Feedback much appreciated

[PaulX35]

Ok, I took another jump and started writing a longer story. The first three chapters meanwhile feature here, and I'd appreciate comments from fellow writers!

Thanks on this place to Damppanties and Alex - the_bragis for tackling earlier versions of this.

Paul

Ch1: Black Ice
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=70414

Ch2: Lasagna Confessions
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=70415

Ch3: Kind of Blue
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=70416

 

[dr_mabeuse]

One sentence confused me tremendously:

"They were not what a fellow leg amputee student would wish for."

Doesn't this mean that Jason is also a "leg amputee student"? Or do you mean "a fellow student" who is a leg amputee? I assume it's the latter.

I think the theme of this story is going to put a bunch of people off, but I suppose it will also attract a bunch of people. It's not my cup of tea, but to each his/her own.

It's very good. Some will say that the beginning is too long, but since this is a novel, I think we can give you some time before the clothes start flying. I think the opening meeting was handled very nicely, and it rings true, at least to me. They both come across as appealing.

I wonder if you could cut the opening scene with her and the cell phone and all. She tells Jason what's what when they meet and he figured out the rest, so the beginning is kind of superfluous. If you're going to keep it I would go through and cross out a lot of the superfluous detail. Don't really need to know what the color of the pocket she keeps her cell phone in is, do we? Or that Jason is the tallest in his group?

Also, I don't think you give the reader enough credit for figuring out what's going on from the characters' conversation. I didn't record a specific example, but it's like when he says something that shows he's obviously interested in her, you then tell us afterwards that he's interested in her. Your dialogue is very good and can stand on its own in my opinion. It's pretty clear what's going on and what they think is apparent from what they say

There's some proofreading errors. "The car could only go a few miles" because of the ice should be "miles an hour" I would think.

I only read Chapter 1. That's quite a task to read 3 chapters. (Actually, the chapters are pretty short, so it's not that big a deal, but even so...)

But it's very good.

---dr.M.

 

[icebaby]

Re feedback

Hi i have just read all three chapters and found it to be a different but intresting story, dr- mabeuse like you i found it a bit long but then again i prefer short storys, but i must add even if you skip chapter two you should read chapter three the sex is so hot
carry on the good work Paul

STORIES BY ICEBABY

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?

 

[Rusher]

This is a great hook for a story (no pun intended). I think it's a very evocative and literate creation (I'll refer to all 3 as one story). I think you write the attraction and flirting scenes very well. And you deserve credit for creating an interesting relationship.

One question which occurred to me right from the start and never left was why she doesn't have an artificial limb. I don't know if you intend on just leaving that question hanging there, or if you plan to explain it in later chapters. But certainly the entire first chapter would have been different if she had a good artificial limb instead of trying to walk around on crutches. And given how much trouble she was having getting around (even on dry ground) it would only seem natural to have a leg.

Also, for me it takes away from the romance of the story that he has what basically amounts to a fetish for women with one leg. And I wondered at the fact that she seemed so accepting of that as the reason he originally made contact with her. Is it desperation for love on her part, or is she so attracted to this guy that she's willing to overlook what amounts to his objectifying her?

I found the conversations leading up to the sex scenes to be very good and entertaining. However, the 'ughs' and 'arghs' during sex really detracted from the sensuality of their lovemaking for me.

One thing I noticed is that there are paragraphs containing both his thoughts and her thoughts. I think they should be in seperate paragraphs, since they are seperate ideas. Also, it's unclear to me the extent to which you intend to see things from his perspective and include his thougts and feelings. So far, it's t told almost completely from her perspective, but then you have a few asides of his thoughts.

I was also a bit confused by the paragraph near the end of part III that began "The endless dance..." I couldn't tell if that was a memory of something that had already happened, and if so when.


I don't want it to sound as though I didn't enjoy the stories. I think they are very well written and entertaining. Overall, I say good job to you, sir. Keep it up.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Chapter 3: HOT!

Okay. Chapter 3 was hot. Chapter 3 was extremely hot! Very nicely done! Very juicy, very oozey...

I'll get into the good stuff later. First a very few niggling gripes:
(1) I know "Kind of Blue" so I know exactly what you're talking about when you weave the music into the love-making. But what about someone who doesn't know it? I'm very very cautious about name-dropping in any kind of lit unless you're talking about something so well known that it's like common knowledge. Because if you tell me you're listening to the MJQ's Pyramid and I don't know the MJQ's Pyramind, I'm going to not only miss the point, but I'm going to resent you for being an elitist snob (as you probably think I am now for mentioning the MJQ & Pyramind).
The other reason I avoid it is because it can be a crutch. It's a lot easier to equate their love-making to the feelings you get listening to "Kind of Blue" than it is finding a way to describe those feelings themselves: that beautiful, bitter-sweet sensuality that the song describes.
(2) How the hell does a person with one leg dance? It comes off like black humor. Maybe it would be better to say that hey embraced and swayed to the music?
(3) Aside from that one part, I don't see her where her conditioon is refelcted in their love making. This isn't really a criticism, it's just that I thought ina story like this you'd want to stress those thigs that make her different as an amputee.

Okay. That's the small stuff.

As for the sensuality, the description and detail, the sexuality and sensuality, it's just fucking great! There are places in there where the prose approaches the level of poetry not only in imagery, but in the flow of the language itself. It's just beautiful to me, and makes my gripes very minor indeed.
I think there's a special power to your writing because--if I'm not mistaken--you're not a native english speaker, right? Now don't take this wrong by any means, but the way you use some terms in the description sex are not really wrong, but they are novel, and that makes the words and concepts very fresh and gives your prose a very unique tone that probably no one else could duplicate even if they tried. I wonder if the-bragis was aware of this and left them unchanged for just this reason. If you like I'll go back and find some examples (no time now), but I wouldn't have you change that for the world. It's a great gift.

You still haven't changed my mind about sex with an amputee, but, other than that, it's very very good. Well done, man!

---dr.M.

 

[Route66Girl]

Hey there, Paul

I’ve read all three chapters, and my overall impression is a really good one. I like the set-up, pace and there's some crackling dialogue I just love. And while I agree that the premise might be repulsive to some, I didn't find it that way at all. Neither the length nor the subject matter put me off in the least.

Dr. Mabeuse and Rusher have made some very astute observations, many of which I agree with, so please forgive me if any of this repeats what they’ve already said.

What Dr. M said about the jazz music is dead-on. I'm not familiar with the music in the story, so I felt a little cheated out of some of the ambience. However, I didn't chalk you up to being an elitist snob, lol. Someone else might, I suppose. Despite the dominance of the music, I still thought the sex scenes were electrifying. So vivid!

Like Rusher, I also wondered why she didn't have a prosthetic leg. I don't think it would have detracted from the plot. Even with a prosthetic leg, walking on ice would still be sufficiently awkward for an amputee. And later, during the dinner scene, taking off the artificial limb could have been a potentially erotic moment. But that's my only puzzlement about the plot.

It didn't bother me that he's got an amputee fetish. That's no more shallow or strange than a man who really likes blondes or redheads or BBWs. True, his initial attraction to her is because she's a "monoped," but you've taken the trouble to make these two really connect on many levels after they meet. I assume (though you might want to actually establish it) that if, upon meeting her, she turned out to be a vapid, unpleasant, dull person, his attraction would have stopped there.

I've gone ahead and done a copy and paste of the first chapter here, with ((my notes)) in double parentheses. If you want me to do the same to the next two chapters, please let me know. I'd be happy to do the job. Also, if you like, I have a few ideas on how to improve the flow.

Before proceeding, I’d like to echo the good Doctor’s comments regarding your use of language. It may be the result of English being your second language, but the prose is unexpected and refreshing, especially in the sex scenes. In many places, as he says, it works beautifully. I’ve left those instances alone. But there are many places in which (I think) corrections of your English could improve the story, so I’ve pointed some of them out along the way. Please don’t be alarmed at how picky I got. Your story is excellent, and your knowledge of English is very impressive. I only wish that I could speak another language as well as you speak English.


Paul X35
PaulX35[/i]

I. Black Ice ((oops!))

- “Fucking hell,” she said to herself.

The view out the window wasn’t promising. From a slate grey sky the fine rain drizzled down on the campus, freezing instantly as it hit the ground. Pretty as the coating of crystalline shimmering black ice looked, it wasn’t making life easy for those attempting to walk out there. Ellen Sanders hated ice rain.

She turned to place her crutches against the wall and slid her bag off her back. She opened the small red and blue zipper that gave access to the side-pocket where she kept her cell phone. ((Here, I disagree with Dr. Mabeuse slightly. Details about a character’s possessions can provide valuable insight. It brings to mind the details you used about the laptops in your train vignette. Here, though, I think we need more info to make it well-executed; perhaps a brand name? Details about her phone? Is it one of those super-expensive tiny ones? etc.))

Ellen leaned against the wall and looked up a number - her friend’s. ((Would she need to look up a good friend’s phone number?))

The phone rang.

It took ten seconds for the voice mail to respond. Not what she wanted to hear.

‘Shit, it’s Thursday. She’s working,’ she thought.

Ellen sighed, then reached into the front pocket of her jeans, looking at what came out.

- “Oh great.”

Four lousy dollars and some small change. So much for a taxi.

This was not her day.

Not sure of what to do now, she packed her things again and walked back into the campus library. Coffee would not solve any of her problems, but she needed one anyway.

A small group of fellow students were standing in the entrance hall. Jason Lewis was one of them. He was the tallest of the group, and the only one looking to see Ellen turn right and approach the coffee machine. His eyes followed the motion of the woman on crutches. He found her beautiful to watch.

Underneath a bright red ski coat((,)) the cut off left leg of her jeans was carefully tailored around a stump that ended about ten inches below the hip. With every step she took, the legless side of her body titled ((tilted)) with an elegance. (("with elegance” or “elegantly.” “with an elegance” implies more description will follow, which doesn’t happen here))

It was not the first time Jason had observed this woman with only one leg. Actually, he would watch her every time he had the chance.

Jason had also seen today’s weather conditions. They were not what a fellow leg amputee student would wish for. He made a decision. ((As Dr. Mabeuse said, the phrase “fellow leg amputee student” means something you don’t intend. As you have it here, it comes across that he’s not just her fellow student, but also an amputee. It might be better to reduce the phrase to just “leg amputee,” and work “fellow student” into another place)).

- “I’ll be right back,” Jason rather suddenly said to his friends. ((see below))

- “I err...forgot something.”((Merge these parts of his dialogue.))

They looked at him with some surprise, but didn’t pay much further attention. Jason walked off into the corridor.

A little further up, he saw her standing by the machine. His heart raced as he walked closer. She glanced up at him, seeing him reach for a quarter.

Jason smiled as he went to stand beside her.

- “Quite a day eh?,” he said, pointing out the window. It felt like a clumsy try to start some sort of conversation. ((There’s a typo above: It should be: “Quite a day, eh?” he said…))

Ellen took her coffee out, then turned back to look at him. She gave him a vague smile as she observed him. About six foot three, jet black hair and drop looking steel blue eyes. And he knew how to use them. His look was piercing, in a pleasant way. ((The phrase “drop looking” doesn’t make sense, and needs to be replaced or omitted.))

- “Yeah, don’t tell me. I’ve been trying to find a way to get home. No walking outside for me, not unless I’d want to break my neck,” she said.

Jason looked at her, nodding with sympathy. His eyes simply had to wander down. Only shortly, though. He didn’t want to raise suspicion. - “I saw you standing at the entrance earlier, heard you swear too,” Jason told her. “Looks to me ((like)) you could maybe use some help? I mean, this doesn’t look like your type of weather.”

Ellen smiled. “You’re observant. I was trying to phone a friend, but she was not at home. And then I found out I’m pretty much out of cash.”

- “And you haven’t got a car?,” he asked. ((no comma needed after the question mark, and you don't need the phrase "he asked."))

- “Oh((,)) I have one, but I elected today to have it serviced.” ((see below))

She grinned sheepishly. ((see below))

- “Don’t tell me. Lousy planning, I knew the weather might turn bad,” she added. ((Merge these))

Jason chuckled. “Not perfect, no. Far from, even.”

Ellen nodded, looking a bit sad. Then she realized he’d want coffee too, so she moved aside, giving him an apologizing ((apologetic)) look.

- “Sorry, go ahead.”

Jason smiled and gave her a “Thanks”. He inserted the quarter and pushed ‘Cappuccino’. The machine produced a gargling sound when it put the foam topping on the coffee. He pulled the cup out and took a sip.

- “Is that as lousy as my regular coffee?” she inquired.

Jason grinned.

- “Close call, but I’d guess this stuff can ((could)) make a real Italian faint.”

Ellen laughed. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

He gave her a closer look. She didn’t seem shy to talk at all. ((I'm not sure you need "to talk" here.)) Her face had an attractive sort of openness, without being classically beautiful. But she had lovely long brown hair, and twinkling almond eyes that were accentuated by a strong jaw line and sharp ((sharply)) defined brown eyebrows. Her ski-coat hid much of her figure, but Jason could tell she had a good looking ((good-looking)) ass. Not very slim, but she seemed well proportioned.

- “So, if you could use a ride home? I’d be happy to drop you off.” ((You can fix these sentences two ways: “So, could you use a ride home? I’d be happy to drop you off.” Or: “So, if you could use a ride home, I’d be happy to drop you off.”))

That sounded like manna from heaven. Ellen smiled, grateful. ((Nitpicky detail. I’d rework that to read: That sounded like manna from heaven to Ellen, who smiled gratefully.))

- “Oh yes, that would be really great.”

Jason smiled back. “Sure, no problem, err...?”

- “Ellen,” she responded quickly, “Ellen Sanders, I’m a psychology major here.” ((You need a period after “Sanders” instead of a comma.))

- “Jason Lewis. Math major.” ((Ironically, you would be better off with a comma after “Lewis” here, instead of a period. But either one works.))

Ellen observed him a little more as he stood before her, relaxed and pleasantly curious. Tight jeans stressed an almost defiant stance, and ((omit "and")) with his sweater hugging nicely around his torso ((.)) ((New sentence)) he ((He)) looked pretty satisfactory from a female point of view. Not totally a hunk maybe, but his self-confidence gave him an appeal she liked. For a moment, she wondered what would have brought him to offer her a ride. ((the phrase "would have brought” can be replaced easily with the word “prompted.”))

- “Math? Hmm, you don’t look very nerdy.” She said it with a teasing, inquisitive look. It couldn’t hurt to throw out a small bite. ((I’m not sure what you mean by “small bite.” Perhaps it could be, “a little bait.”))

- “You don’t look that shrinky yourself, Ellen.”

Together they chuckled. She loved his astuteness. A short spark dropped in their chuckles. ((Odd sentence, but interesting. I’ll leave that alone.)) They were both aware of it.

- “So, when are you ((your)) classes finished((,)) then?,” she asked him. ((Again, the comma doesn’t belong after the question mark.))

He looked at her. “When are yours?”

- “I’m done actually,” Ellen replied. “But I could wait...”

- “No, no, we can go if you want. Was planning to skip stupid Vector Analysis anyway.”

- “Vector Analysis, hmm, ((use an ellipse here... or make it a new sentence)) now you’ve really impressed me.”

She looked up at him with a proper degree of mockery, watching him lift an eyebrow of interest. Another spark exchanged. Jason looked straight into her eyes, playing the game.

- “Are you that easily impressed, Ellen?”

- “It depends. Not as a habit, but I make exceptions.” She replied with a touch of mystery in her smile.

- “I like exceptions,” Jason replied. Ellen noted the subtle wink he added.

He was a good five inches taller. About what she considered ideal for a man. ((You use incomplete sentences frequently, and that’s all right for purposes of style. But you might want to be careful of overdoing it. I’d merge the first two sentences of this paragraph.)) His eyes were scanning her, a pleasure she allowed him without comment. It was pretty hard not to notice her missing leg, so she assumed it wasn’t bothering his obvious flirting. That felt good. Ellen broke the silence by throwing the rest of her coffee into the trash can next to the coffee machine. He responded immediately. - “Listen, I have to go fetch my coat and some stuff, but I’ll be ready for you in a minute, ok?” (Separate this bit of dialogue from the rest of the paragraph.))

She nodded.

- “You want me to wait somewhere? I mean, I don’t know where you parked your car…”

- “I’ll drive it over to the back entrance, ok? It’ll be a few steps to the car from that exit.”

- “You’re a gentleman,” she said.

- “I used to be with the Boy Scouts,” he replied. ((It would sound more natural if he said “I used to be a Boy Scout.”))

As Ellen watched him walk away, she realized she liked him. Jason fancied her too. And he also found this might be his lucky day. ((This last sentence seems awkward. Perhaps you should reword it as: “Jason fancied her, too, and felt this might be his lucky day.”

His car was a bit of a wreck, actually. But at this moment it did (("looked" instead of "did")) every bit as fine as a brand new Corvette. He stopped it right before the back door entrance and gallantly swung the right door open. Ellen giggled for a moment as she saw him. Carefully, she started placing ((nix “started placing” and replace with “placed”)) her crutches on the icy pavement.

- “Need a hand?,” Jason shouted from the car. “Hang on, let me give you a hand.”

It was still very slippery. She felt dependant on the help of others. That was why she hated this weather so much. It made her feel like a cripple. ((This is very good information about her, but you might want to rephrase it.))

- “Just keep a close eye if you will, please. I’ll try by myself then.”

Jason did, moving over to walk right behind her. As he did, he remembered how he would always call her his “one-legged beauty”, in an impersonal way. ((“impersonal” might not be the word you’re looking for here. It sounds detatched. Try “casual” instead)) This flirty chat had((,)) however((,)) shown him that she was a witty, smart, attractive woman too. ((You already established that he thinks she’s pretty, so try, “… she was a witty, smart woman, in addition to being attractive.””)) Not drop dead gorgeous in the way the guys discussed girls over a beer. But she sure as hell wasn’t unattractive at all.

Right now she was also trying her damn hardest (replace “her damn hardest” with “damn hard”)) not to slip and fall. ‘Not all grace and beauty. Fuck, this ((that)) can’t be fun,’ he thought while watching her make it to the car. ((You might want to use more description here about his observation of her slow progress over the ice.))

Despite almost falling a few times, she made ((it)). He closed the door for her and jumped in at ((omit "at")) the driver’s side.

- “Phew, am I glad I’m in this car!,” she exclaimed, giving him a genuine look of gratitude. “I really appreciate this,” she added.

She ((un))zipped her ski-coat open ((nix “open”)), unconscious of the view ((of her figure)) it offered at her figure ((nix “at her figure”)).

- “It’s nothing, really,” Jason replied, noting her coat slide open. He glanced at her jeans and a (("the" sounds better than "a")) brown sweater curving over the swell of her breasts.

- “It is for me, Jason,((.)) ((end sentence here)) thanks ((Thanks)) a bunch.”

He nodded. “Can imagine this must suck.”

- “Yeah, believe me((,)) it does.” replied she.(("replied she" is not incorrect, but it sounds awkward)) “Much as I appreciate your help, of course, it really pisses me off to be so immobile. I hate it.”

- “You seemed experienced with it though, ((two separate sentences here)) at least((,)) to me you are.”

He smiled at her, putting the car in “D”. It took off slowly and turned, the wheels spinning already.

- “It comes with practice,” she replied.

- “Can imagine yes. How long have you had the chance to practice then, if I may ask?”

His curiosity was obvious, but she kind of enjoyed it.

- “I was fifteen when I had the amputation,” she replied.

- “So, that makes how many years of practice?”

‘Ah, he’s finding out my age too,’ she thought, smiling. ((You can omit this inner thought of hers. The next piece of her dialogue is so clever that it reveals her thought without this exposition.))

- “That makes eight years of practice,” she smiled. “And how old are you?”

Jason laughed. “Twenty-four.”

As he drove off the university parking lot he looked at her. ((He might want to "glance" at her instead of looking at her. Taking his eyes off the icy roads for too long could be fatal, hehehe))

- “So, where do I drop you off then, Ellen?”

- “I live at Chalmers, third block. I guess you know where that is?”

- “Yup, I do,” he replied, ((. Then new sentence))“used ((Used)) to live there actually.”

- “Really?”

The car wheels spun so easily that it was impossible to go faster than a few miles. ((Dr. Mabeuse already pointed out a problem with this sentence, and I agree)). Jason seemed in control though. She observed his firm hands at the steering wheel, his strong arms stretched. His leaned back driving (("His leaned back driving" indicates that his driving is leaning back, when it's his body that's leaning back. Use "His leaned back body" instead, perhaps)) also offered a view at ((of- we “look at” things, or have “a view of” them)) his tight jeans, subtly bulging in the crotch.

- “Just moved last year. It was a cool block when I lived there,” Jason continued.

- “Yeah, it’s not bad,” she replied. “Though I just came to live there. I used to study at Ithaca, but I switched last August.”

- “I see,” said Jason. “That explains.” ((“That explains” is incomplete. You need to change it to “That explains that.” or “That explains it.”))

She smiled curiously. “Explains what?”

- “Nothing important. It’s just that I don’t recall ever having seen you at the campus, until after summer. And you didn’t look like a first-year to me then.”

Ellen smiled again. “Then?”

Jason looked at her, his eyes moving to her lower body, intently.

- “Well, you hardly go unnoticed, do you?”

His directness made Ellen grin. ‘Was this just curiosity?’

- “It’s pretty hard to hide((,)) yes. That’s why I don’t,” she replied.

- “Yeah, I noticed that too,” he replied. “I like the way you don’t hide it. It shows courage, and it looks good.”

The tone of his voice remained almost challenging. This sure didn’t sound like average curiosity.

- “Well thank you, Jason. I’m flattered,” she smiled, noticing another subtle wink of his as he took the left into ((onto)) Chalmers.

Instead of the usual five, the drive took more than fifteen minutes. He eventually made it though, and parked the car right in front of the entrance.

- “I sure hope it’s not too slippery here,” Ellen said((,)) as she was about to get out.

Jason got out as well, just to see if she’d need any more help. But she was ok. ((I’m not sure about this, but, technically, you should only use the phrase “ok” in dialogue as slang, and even then, spell it out- “okay.” Otherwise, use things like “all right,” “fine,” etc. OK? )) The entrance to the flat had an awning, ((no comma needed)) that sagged from the weight of frozen rain ((,)) but had left the pavement free of ice. Ellen turned to face him, her hands ((you don’t need “her hands” here. Just “…leaning on her crutches” will do)) leaning on her crutches.

- “Thanks again, Jason.”

- “Really, it was my pleasure, Ellen.”

He stood right in front of her, stance widened a little, hands in his pockets now. His jet black ((Be careful That’s the second time you’ve described his hair as “jet black”)) hair was wet from the rain. Steel blue eyes ((Second time for that despcription as well. It’s good to vary your descriptive words a little.)) were watching her from underneath brushy eyebrows. They determined his facial expression in a way that was strong and interesting. She could sense his confidence about how he looked.

- “What you did was very sweet, Jason. I was thinking of a way to err... maybe return the favour?”

- “I could think of a few ways I would enjoy,” he replied instantly.

His eyes twinkled. She was almost sure he was planning to ask her out too, but was simply enjoying to see ((“enjoying to see” doesn’t make sense. Replace it with, “enjoyed seeing")) if she would make the first move herself. Aware of the game, she allowed him his bit of fun.

- “Ever went ((gone)) out with a girl with one leg before?”

Her voice now sounded provocative. Jason lifted an eyebrow as he chuckled. She could see him slowly shake his head. ((Merge these last two sentences and get rid of her seeing him do it. They’re looking at each other and flirting- we don’t need to be told that she’s observing his movements.))

- “Nope, but I could be persuaded to make an… exception.”

She laughed out loud.

- “I could live with an exception,” she replied coyly. “Any plans for tomorrow night?”

- “Not yet, no.”

- “Good,((.)) ((New sentence)) then I guess you just got yourself a date, Mister Lewis.”

- “I never thought it’d be so easy, Miss Sanders,” he replied, giving her yet another wink. “Nine-ish?”

She paused for a moment.

- “Can you make it seven thirty? I’ll make you dinner first then. If you like?” ((“I’ll make you dinner first, if you like.”))

- “Can I trust your cooking?,” he teased in reply. Ellen laughed again.

- “One way to find out, I guess.”

- “True,” he said, grinning. “Ok, seven thirty it’ll be((,)) then.”

- “It’s number 59, fifth floor,” she added.

- “I don’t think I’ll need to write that down.”

Their eyes met one more time as they both had a few thoughts. Then they said goodbye. ((Perhaps try this: “Their eyes met thoughtfully one more time, and then they said their goodbyes.”))

As Ellen stepped out ((in?)) the elevator, she saw his car disappear in ((into)) the drizzly winter sunset.



Well, there you have it Let me know if you want the same treatment for the other two chapters.

 

[PaulX35]

Thanks, this is great feedback!

Dear forum-members,

Read through the feedback given so far; thanks a LOT for all your detailed reading, and for the many compliments.
Like dr.M. already said, English is not my first language, so this whole publishing in English has a bit of an extra challenge for me
Another challenge for me is in getting the somewhat unusual erotic attraction to amputees into an erotic framework. I have and enjoy this attraction myself, which means I went through a good bit of thinking to get it into a picture that would both be respectful - and not downright objectifying - and at the same time not boring to pieces. I'm glad to see I seem to be on the right track here.
As some already included in their comments, these are the first three chapters of a novel. Pre-posting part of a longer story is not without risk, but I decided to take it because I wanted to have some feedback on the question if a theme like this would make a good read at all to people not sharing this fascination. Comments so far encourage me to go on.

Dr.M.

Your smaller points as to unclear sentences have been written down and will be used in the revision.
Seeing you classify the writing of a non-native speaker of English as "approaching poetry level" almost left me shy; thanks man!

Also, I don't think you give the reader enough credit for figuring out what's going on from the characters' conversation. I didn't record a specific example, but it's like when he says something that shows he's obviously interested in her, you then tell us afterwards that he's interested in her. Your dialogue is very good and can stand on its own in my opinion. It's pretty clear what's going on and what they think is apparent from what they say
Excellent point. More people have indicated that the dialogue used is good enough to be able to do without quite a few of these reflections. It will give the story more speed as well. Thanks for bringing it up.

About "Kind of Blue" added in: I'm still figuring out to what extend to use it. It provides an interesting type of sub-line in the story, I think, and it gives the chapter ending a nice small touch. But there is indeed the danger of it becoming irritating to people who don't know this music. I will reconsider the amount of detail used, thanks.

Sex-wise I see you were convinced, which is not the least important piece of positive feedback for an erotic story, I think. I'm glad a subtle PM seduced you into reading it *grin*

(2) How the hell does a person with one leg dance? It comes off like black humor. Maybe it would be better to say that hey embraced and swayed to the music?
I did have slow-dance in mind yes, but apparently readers didn't pick that up, which means I have to write that down better. Sway and embrace look like the words to do that, thanks. Incidentally: I've once seen a one-legged woman do a "Funking for Jamaica" dance that convinced me it is quite possible to dance with one leg, but that's another matter

(3) Aside from that one part, I don't see her where her conditioon is refelcted in their love making. This isn't really a criticism, it's just that I thought ina story like this you'd want to stress those thigs that make her different as an amputee.
It isn't a lot so far, but there will be chapters dedicated in more detail to this, have patience
More as a general note: I have tried to write a piece of work that would also appeal to those not interested in this fascination. Furthermore it's entirely credible - I think - that not every bit of sex they engage in will be stump-centered, so to say. There is a question of still seeking balance in this, I admit (no pun intended).


Icebaby,
Thanks for the important remark of enjoying this "even when it was different" and "even when you prefer short stories".
And for liking it of course


Rusher,

As to the artificial limb question, I think this has a lot to do with a personal preference of mine for an amputee to use crutches. Technically this would not be impossible or incredible, I think, as many amputees either are unable to wear one (too short a stump) or simply prefer crutches since an artificial leg can be uncomfortable in many ways.
Ice btw makes amputees immobile, be they on crutches or wearing a leg. In terms of the story, though, there is a good case for making the crutches-matter clear pretty fast, to not leave the reader with questions you apparently had, so good feedback in that sense, thanks.

Also, for me it takes away from the romance of the story that he has what basically amounts to a fetish for women with one leg. And I wondered at the fact that she seemed so accepting of that as the reason he originally made contact with her. Is it desperation for love on her part, or is she so attracted to this guy that she's willing to overlook what amounts to his objectifying her?
Hmm, this are very important comments to me, as I went through a great deal of work and thinking to get this into the picture in a non-objectifying way. Did you read ch2 carefully? I did try a lot to paint it there, but if you'd still have this impression after ch2 I think it requires further revision in that respect. Later on in the story it will become more and more clear that it's neither Jason's "fetish" nor Ellen's desperation (where did you get that impression from btw?) that keeps them together. The attraction is and will be the reason he went after her in the first place, though. I hope I made that appear as belonging in similar categories as route66girl described: it's a tad more unusual but when enjoyed in a healthy way, it's really not fundamentally different from hitting on someone because she's BBW, big breasted or has a smashing set of two legs

Route66girl,

Wow, I owe you a big thanks for going through Ch1 in such detail. It's feedback on these language and idiom details that is really priceless for a non-native speaker of English!
I'll take you on on the offer of going through the other chapters as well. In that respect it might be wise to send you a text-file over email, since I saw that the final posting as it appears here differs considerably from how things looked when I hit the OK button after final editing. Especially with respect to merging the original in Word-format looks a lot better. That doesn't mean I am not delighted to accept your offer. Drop me an email please to receive the file? (paulx35@hotmail.com)

Thanks again all, you've been a GREAT help

Paul

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Hi Paul,
I've bookmarked your stories for later. With the holiday right around the corner I've been so busy. I will read them as soon as I can and give feedback.
Wicked

 

[PaulX35]

Thanks

Hi Paul,
I've bookmarked your stories for later. With the holiday right around the corner I've been so busy. I will read them as soon as I can and give feedback.
Wicked

Hi Wicked

I always enjoy and value your comments, so please do. I can't wait, but I'll be a patient boy

Paul

 

[Route66Girl]

You're very welcome, Paul! Check your Pm box

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Paul,
Finally I'm getting to the feedback I'd promised. While your fetish is not what I'd call strange it is definately different than the typical foot, shoe and toe sucking fetishes I've heard more about. You paint a great picture as to what someone with this desire feels. You show and not tell a lot, which is something I have trouble doing. I wasnt really into the first 2 chapters but the 3rd made up for it, not that I was just waiting on the good sex parts. It was much better. The only thing I could see that could have used a little more detailed showing was the first paragraph in the 3rd chapter, for example:

"Behind closed curtains, the rain pattered against the window. A dim light shone from one small lamp on the bookcase. Scattered clothes the silent signs of previous undressing."
This is good, and take my comments with a grain of salt if you will. I would have added a bit more to show the signs of undressing:

Behind closed curtains, the rain pattered steadily against the window. A dim light shone from one small lamp on the bookcase, casting shadows across the adjacent wall. A bra clinging to the lamp shade, panties hanging haphazardly from the bind of a book were silent signs of the previous undressing.

The next 2 paragraphs I think could have been combined.

A sultry John Coltrane tenor-sax sounded from the speakers; “Kind of Blue” was the favourite CD. It was close to three thirty in the morning.

And Jason’s room was permeated with the scent of sex.

Jason's room was permeated with the scent of sex as a sultry John Coltrane tenor-sax sounded from the speakers. It was close to three thirty in the morning and "Kind of Blue", the favorite CD, continued to play.

As I said it's good writing, keep up the nice work. I'm just a sucker for getting every little detail into a story to paint a good picture for the reader. I like to make a reader see the scene, adding as much about the surroundings as possible.
Hope this helps some.
Wicked

My Stories

 

[PaulX35]

Thanks!

Hi Wicked

Thanks for your comments, worth the wait as usual
Allow me a few questions in return?

Originally posted by Wicked-N-Erotic

I wasnt really into the first 2 chapters but the 3rd made up for it, not that I was just waiting on the good sex parts. It was much better.

Could you shortly describe what you found the difference between Ch's 1 & 2 and Ch 3, maybe?

I'm just a sucker for getting every little detail into a story to paint a good picture for the reader. I like to make a reader see the scene, adding as much about the surroundings as possible.
Hope this helps some.

Makes two then, trust me that your comments will be either used directly or play a role in the re-write.

Paul

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Differences between 1, 2 and 3...
Chapter one to me was a basic background setting chapter, telling the when,where and how they met. How his fetish was to play a role later. Chapter 2 was more of a getting to know each other setting, with way more dialogue.(which was well done BTW) It came across as I'm sure you meant it to, of 2 friends having dinner, having a good time. But yet, his underlying motives were clear, maybe not motives but desire.
And chapter 3, of course was the sex, I get the feeling from it that this may have actually happened and that it's not just a fantasy story.
Hope this helps and is what you were looking for.
Wicked