Feedback for this story

[Georgepat]

Hi,
This is one of my first stories I posted here and figured I'd like to get some feedback from some of the regulars.
Positive or negative comments needed to help me learn to write a better story.
My story can be found here:
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=201854
Thanks for your help.
Georgepat

 

[Georgepat]

Hi Again,
I'm sorry, but I feel as if I've done something wrong on here. I can't seem to get any feedback.
Someone, please explain whats wrong.
Thanks,
Georgepat

 

[windstormy]

Hi Again,
I'm sorry, but I feel as if I've done something wrong on here. I can't seem to get any feedback.
Someone, please explain whats wrong.
Thanks,
Georgepat

No, you didn't do anything wrong. Comments are hard to come by these days.

Anyway, I read it and thought it was very good. You seem to pay close attention to detail. Great job, man.

 

[Hotcappucino]

First two paragraphs start out in present tense, but then rest of the story is in past tense. Probably better to change first two paragraphs.

A few minutes later I heard the car door open and then, to my horror, heard another door open too.

I'm not sure horror would be the appropriate word to use here. Why would the main character be horrified (i.e., scared) to know that someone else was there? Maybe dismay or disappointment would fit better.

A couple of the sentences are a little confusing, specifically those cases where the words she or her are used when referring to either Mary or Sarah. For example:

I heard one of them say that she didn't mind driving Sarah home because she was sort of fucked up and she shouldn't be driving.

At first glance, I thought the second and third she also referred to Mary, since the first she referred to Mary. Of course, that didn't make sense when I stopped to carefully think about it, but maybe it would have been clearer to write:

I heard one of them say that she didn't mind driving Sarah home because Sarah was sort of fucked up and shouldn't be driving.

Another example:

As Sarah sat there with Mary's tits just a few inches away from her face, I saw a look come into Mary's eyes and, without warning, she leaned towards Sarah and her breast brushed her lips.

Again, a little confusion as to which person each of the hers was referring to. Perhaps writing it like this would make it more obvious:

As Sarah sat there with Mary's tits just a few inches away from her face, I saw a look come into Mary's eyes. Without warning, Mary leaned towards Sarah, brushing her breast against Sarah's lips.

I'd suggest working on your dialog to fit the characters better:

Mary was going wild and told Sarah, "Put more fingers in my cunt." Her ass lifted off the bed again and Mary shouted for Sarah to "Cram my cunt full."

Somehow, Mary doesn't seem to be the kind of woman that would use the word "cunt" that freely. In fact, I haven't met any woman that likes the word "cunt" or would use that word in a natural or casual way, and both Mary and Sarah use it freely (although maybe you hang out with a totally different kind of girl than I do ).

Creating good, believeable dialog is probably one of the hardest things to do. Both Mary & Sarah "talk" like Pat, which is not surprising since all three are creations from your own imagination. But I think the story will work better if you give them different personalities, which will translate into different ways of speaking and different ways of acting.

I think it would help to tone down your sex scenes. I admire your enthusiasm; it's clear that you really get into creating them in your writing, but some of it seems "over the top" in this kind of story. Especially the fisting scene between Sarah & Mary. Or the descriptions of Sarah's or Mary's cum gushing out.

As I mentioned earlier, I think the best way to improve your story is to create different personalities for your characters. There are some good articles in the Essays and How To's section on character development. Get as detailed as possible: age, education, career, socioeconomic standing, religion, sexual experience, relationships, childhood, etc. Then, keeping all of these attributes in front of you, you can develop your story using characters that speak and act in a more realistic manner.

Now, because this story is written in the first person, you may not be able to explicitly state each of your characters' backgrounds, but it's easy enough to write in enough clues so your reader has an idea of what they're like.

For example, suppose you decide that Sarah is a 29 year old woman who graduated from the University of Virginia on a soccer scholarship. Attractive, but didn't have many relationships in college. Went on to get her MBA. A hard driving personality, she started off as a financial analyst for an accounting firm but rose quickly through the ranks, working her way up to a management position. Isn't fanatical about working out, but keeps herself in shape by going to the gym three days a week. Etc., etc.

You don't include all of that detail in your story, but it gives you a basis to determine whether or not she is speaking or acting the way you would expect her to. Pat can clue us in some aspects of her background by what he observes. Perhaps he tells us that that Sarah owns a three bedroom house that's well maintained. He sees the two women pulling up to her home that evening in Sarah's Lexus. She's sharply dressed in a dark blue business suit that shows off her firm calves under a knee-length skirt. Wearing pearl earrings and her blonde hair gathered up in a small bun. Inside her house, she drinks red wine. Now the reader knows that she's a professional woman, probably fairly successful at what she does, somewhat sophisticated, fit.

Or let's say you make Sarah a 23 year old girl who's renting a one bedroom house. She barely made it through high school, works as a waitress at a seedy bar in Albuquerque. Smokes Marlboro 100s. Parties on weekends with her friends, usually a barbeque with lots of beer and a little bit of pot.

Again, Pat can clue us in on what she's like by telling us what he sees: what kind of car (or truck) she drives, how she's dressed, the things she says.

Sorry if this has turned out long winded, but I hope you see what I'm trying to get across, because I think it will really help out your writing in the future.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It's a very good one for a first story, but if you really want to improve, there's some things you can do.

First of all, Hotcap gave you some excellent advice on dialog and on how to make your characters come alive as people and not a stock Literotica fuck-dummies. Not that there's anything wroing with your characters now, but they do seem to be pretty much the same person. They all talk alike, they all pretty much act alike, even though two are female and the other's male.

In my opinion, the heat in an erotic story isn't generated by close-up descrptions of what people's genitals are doing, but rather in what the characters are feeling. The things they do and they way they do them are actually expressions of their emotions, and that's where the heat comes in: seeing a woman using a man's cock for her own selfish pleasure, seeing a character's helpless surrender as they come, things like that. Too much focus on who's putting what where can actually detract from that feeling of emotional excitement and make the writing seem cold and clinical. It's the counterpart of the porno film "meat shot" where we see the organs but don't see the people attached to them. For me, at least, that's just not very interesting.

You have a pretty decent mix of graphic description and emotion, but I think you could use more of the latter. In my opinion, it's hard to have too much emotion in a story, and people having sex without being excited about it is just plain dull in my book.

That means that when you describe what the characters are doing, you want to decribe how they're doing it too. Example:

Sarah stood and removed her panties, then slid her hand between her legs and rubbed her pussy for a few moments.

That's from the story. But how did she rub her pussy? Did she scratch it? Rub it in circles? Use both hands?

Check this out:

Sarah stood and removed her panties, then slid her hand between her legs. He middle finger came out and slid along her crease a few times as if getting herself ready, then plunged inside. Her head snapped up and I heard her moan with lascivious pleasure.

It doesn't all have to be like that, but showing us how someone does something brings the picture vividly to life. We know just what she's feeling as she's rubbing herself and what it means and says about her. We can almost share her slutty pleasure.

It's the difference between telling us what happened and painting us a picture so we can see it ourselves. The best porn (my opinion again) paints us pictures.

This is a voyeur story and so telling it in first person is appropriate, but if you want to challenge youself, you should try writing something in third person (he/she rather than I/she). Third person forces you to describe things better. You have to "show" rather than "tell", and it makes you look at characters in a new way.

But as I say, this was very good for a first time out. Your mecahnics--your punctuation and paragraphing and all that garmmar stuff--is excellent, so you've got all the tools you need. Now you just have to bring those pictures to life.

All the best,

---dr.M.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

I can't do much at all to follow what has already been written in the posts above, and hotcap, has been very succiinct in the post provided. Also, to get such advice from the esteemed dr.M, well done you!
My only tidbit to offer is that it's very handy to use an editor. I write my stuff for my own reasons, and I've had varying responses to it. I'm not a 'writer' by any stretch of the imagination, but my meagre offerings have improved (in my own opinion) of late, due to the patience and efforts of an editor.
keep going and have fun doing it.

 

[dr_dave]

Your story turned me on. As said above you can always improve but don't get dishartened. Use this and I can't wait for your next servings.

 

[rydia57]

Hi,

I thought it was very good writing.... did you say that was first time? Yes, i thought it was very good. It didn't get me off tho. I guess there were things that were hard for me to see, be a little more visual when you write. But what do I know? LOL... Please continue to write, and I will read them..