Feedback for the Feeders

[NCmVoyeur]

Much of the feedback here seems to center on the "first time poster" stories. That's fine, of course, but I thought it fitting for those who've spent time critiquing to have a chance to visit (or revisit) some of their own stories.

So give me your tired, your poor, that long-neglected labor of love yearning again to see the light of day.

I've got time in the coming days to hit maybe 4 - 6 stories, depending on length, and then more time again in about 10 days or so. The only criteria are:

1. You must have given a reasonably in-depth review of another's work (i.e., something much more than "I really liked it") on this Board within recent memory.

2. I'm more at home within the Romance, Erotic Couplings, Ex/Voy, Loving wives, Mature, and Non-Erotic categories. Gay, Fetish, Toys, Incest, and Extreme aren't my thing. Lesbian is intriguing, but recognize that I'm male. Sci/Fantasy and Mindcontrol are 'I'm open' categories, having read one brilliant example of the former recently. BDSM is possible, though I find with those that all sense of character is subordinated to the person's 'role' as D/S, and thus I find the characters to be one-dimensional and largely interchangeble from story to story; I'd like to see a story where that isn't so. Any story written in the second person POV, and any Non-consent story where the victim mysteriously comes to enjoy the sex, is probably D.O.A.; both just annoy me.

With that, who's up?

 

[ladyphoenix]

Feedback

Voyeur,
I'd love for you to have a go at me, so to speak. You choose, but pretend "Wildlife" and "Wedding Jitters" don't exist, will you? Thanks, darlin

 

[NCmVoyeur]

After my heart slowed down (that 'have a go at me' line distracted me for a bit), I selected "The Lady & the Voyeur (surprise; how could I pass that up?).

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30118

I took a look at the Lit. vote score on this; it's a healthy 4.42, which is above anything I've mustered, so that should serve as one large grain of salt with which to flavor the following.

Overall, the story is imaginative, and you show some nice attention to what I'll term 'multi-sensory detail.' However, the reason given for the main characters' staying apart made little sense once Nicole showed she was willing to risk her marriage by playing with the other guy. The train came off the track for me at that point and never quite got back on.

The title: Very catchy.

The opening: Very good--

He'd made love to her a hundred times.

He'd held her, opened the delicate seam of her lips with his tongue; delved into the mysteries of the sweet fire in her mouth as no other man had ever done. He'd had her on the stairs; the kitchen counter, in the gazebo during a hard summer rain.

They'd taken long, luxurious baths together, laughing in the bubbles until she'd straddled him in the big tub, sinking down onto his hard shaft and turning his laughter into thick moans of pleasure.

And she'd cum for him, all silk and fire and liquid heat for his hands and mouth and cock.

But tonight, for the very first time, he was going to see her.

I really liked how the first four paragraphs set up the fifth--the sudden reorientation of the reader's mental picture was effective.

There were some rough sentences early on:

She had asked him in her erotic email invitation to take this route, parking three streets away from and behind the home she was caring for while a friend was on vacation, and taking the simple twists of several connected alleyways to find her.

"Parking three streets away" is an adverbial clause. The problem is the subject of the sentence is 'she,' which makes the mind want to connect the adverbial action to the subject and predicate. Better to say: "She had asked him . . . to take this route . . and to park three streets away. . . "

"New Times Roman" s/b "Times New Roman."

what were the odds that he could have found someone so...perfect?

I'll accept use of an ellipsis to indicate a 'verbal pause' while the mind searches for the right term to complete the thought. Though 'she was perfect' hardly seems the sort of hard-to-put-into-words-thought which would require this.

If this were the only ellipsis question, it wouldn't have been a big deal for me. But ellipsis overuse and abuse is a recurring problem. Like the next sentence:

He'd been online for six months when she'd come along, fairly savvy about most things in modern cyberworlds, and surprisingly fairly jaded...wondering if all he would ever find would be hot, fast, nameless orgasms on the other end of the line.

You're piling on clause after clause and making it hard for the reader to connect the clause to the proper subject. "Fairly savv . . " refers to her. So does "fairly jaded." But 'wondering if . . ' jumps back to him. Break up the clauses:

"He'd been online for six months when she came along. She was savvy about the 'cyberword,' but had become jaded. Still, he had been wondering if he'd ever find more than faceless orgasms broadcast from a computer screen."

Sure, that was fine enough...he'd done it himself and enjoyed it immensely...there had even been a few women (except the one who'd turned out to be a man, of course...god, was he ever glad the guy had told him BEFORE anything had gone on between them sexually) he considered friends; they were sweet and demure or hot and lusty, and just damn nice people.

Your mind works a bit like mine: every thought comes with its own parenthetical qualifier. "There had been a few women" is separated from 'he considered friends" by such a long, complex parenthetical, that it's very taxing on the mind to hold the pieces together. Plus, all three uses of the ellipsis are improper.

It had been perfectly dark an hour ago and now he wandered purposely through this darkened crosshatch alleys of suburban paradise. Backyards, some demurely shielding their beauty behind garments of fences, lined the alleys. Here and there the yawning mouths of garages were open, swallowing minivans and lawnmowers and the dark night air. Bicycles and skateboards; a baseball mitt, sandbox toys and swingsets were abandoned and empty, awaiting another gorgeous summer day and the children who would enjoy them.

This was one good example of pleasant detail. The childhood innocence and suburban propriety contrasting nicely with the lusty deviance of his own mind.

Rounding a corner onto what she had listed as the last alley, Jack brushed by the heavily laden arms of a stocky lilac bush. The scent was thick and sweet, and he found himself pausing for a moment, taking the luxury of the aroma into his lungs and closing his eyes for a moment.

I'm not sure what one terms the literary equivalent of a 'chick flick,' but whatever it's called, this paragraph cements this story as being one of them. Talk about someone ready to be nominated for 'Sensitive Male of the Year.' Yikes! The guy's incredibly turned-on, moments away from visually beholding his lust-object and fantasy woman, driven by the hunter instinct--and he stops to smell the lilacs? Nah. No way. (He does enjoy the scent of the fresh lumber used on the fence. Maybe a mental diversion over the craftsmanship and wonder over what sort of power tools he could buy to do a project like that himself would have worked better.)

She knew things about him even his wife didn't know. He and Nicole had agreed not to make their emotional attachment stronger by trying to have some kind of cyber love affair . .

This guy's so enfatuated with her, bordering on the obsessive, one wonders in what sense this isn't a 'cyber love affair.' The fact that he is so (apparently) in love with her makes it hard for me to later digest what happens. More on that below.

but it was so much safer to tell her that he had always been a closet voyeur

The guy has already had endless cyber and phone chat fantasies and roleplays with her, which are adulterous by their very nature, and quite adventuresome (public places, like the gazebo). The idea that his 'deep dark secret' is simply to watch someone falls a bit flat. I've been given nothing to explain why this fantasy (among all the others) is divulged with such an aura of confidence and hushed secrecy. Oddly, it doesn't seem to have come out in their sexual play, but sounds like it's just part of a discussion of their literary tastes and other preferences.

I now come to the major problem I have with the story:

If the two of them hadn't been married, he would have tracked her down, tied her to some bed, and given her one devastating orgasm after another until she agreed to be his wife. But such were the intricacies of life.

Here, I'm told that his concern over her marriage is a restraining factor in keeping 'distance.'

Nicole's invitation stated plainly that he was to arrive no earlier than ten-forty-five p.m. and no later than eleven-fifteen.

This is a bit of an aside from my major point; but I'm told he's married with kids. I'm wondering how he managed to get out of the house at 11:00 p.m. for a few hours without having to explain his whereabouts. Further, a 7-foot privacy fence will screen Jack from street-level viewers, but what about those looking out the second story from houses across the alley?

She'd politely rebuffed him the first time he'd mentioned it, scolded him lovingly the second. Nearly ripped him a new one the third time. Smiling, Jack watched her moving around inside, laughing--teasing her date, he imagined from her looks and smiles--the way she always teased him into mindless bouts with ecstacy. She had been the one to keep him grounded, even through cyber play and hours of the kinds of pleasure most men only dreamed about on the telephone. While he'd floated, delight and what could nearly pass for worship of her keeping him afloat, she'd made certain they'd both kept their lives intact. He could have fucked it up for everyone--himself, her, their spouses and children--but she hadn't let him.

Again, here it seems she's keeping him at arm's distance because she's married with children and doesn't want to risk jeopardizing that.

Jack was halfway out of his chair, his gaze still riveted on hers, when she turned her face away, glancing over her left shoulder, smiling, and all his blood froze when a man appeared just behind her. Dropping back into the chair, Jack let his breath out in a hard stream, understanding now her true gift to him.

Wait! Another man? What?

If Nicole is keeping Jack at bay because of her concerns over her husband and kids, then why on earth is she about to jump into bed with some other guy? If this other guy is married with kids, then he's in the same boat as Jack. If he's single, then Nicole even more risks the unwanted 'Fatal Attraction' attention of someone immature who might not go away once he's had her the first time. Furthermore, Jack's real fantasy as pertains to Nicole-- the one he has roleplayed with her and fantasized on his own--is to be with her, to touch her and consume her. The thing standing in the way is supposedly Nicole's marriage. Yet, here she is with another guy. Yet Jack strangely doesn't seem to ponder 'if him, why not me?' Rather than being annoyed and jealous (there was one mention of jealously, but it seems to pass quickly), Jack perceives this as a 'great gift.' He's too in love with her to react that way.

At this point, neither character seems credible to me, and the story makes no sense.

The tension between 'realism' and 'fantasy' can be resolved different ways, and many writers and readers want the thrill of fantasy and don't franky care about being sticklers for realism. But this story otherwise seems to aspire to the latter (the detail, the close look at their lives, etc.). I was really expecting Nicole to put on some sort of masturbatory sex show for Jack, which would have been consistent with what I knew about them. The introduction of the other guy just threw me.

I did say at the outset that I liked the details about the sound, the wine, the food, etc. It was an imaginative take on a voyeuristic experience. Front-and-center seating, plus sky-box luxury.

Also, there were some interesting moments as Jack observed and contemplated the difference in technique between the guy and he'd have done to Nicole.

He found his own hips moving in rhythm to theirs, making Jack realize exactly what was so fucking erotic about being a voyeur...it was a threesome, even though all three were not in the same room, and even though one was not aware of another. [

I liked the introspection of this line. Though I don't think that's the nature of voyeurism. It's vicarious thrill. It's observing things that morality or society say shouldn't be seen. It's invasion of privacy and intrusion into someone's most intimate moments. But there's a fundamental disconnect that makes it not a threesome in any sense.

I throw this out mostly to see what other voyeurs and would-be voyeurs think.

A final word on ellipses. In nearly cases of your ellipses, a comma, semi-colon or (most often) a period would have been preferred. This is a story about cyberplay, and I for one developed a bad habit of ellipsis use during my time spent in that endeavor. Ellipses should be used only to indicate omitted words in quotes, interrupted speech, or a haphazard 'stream of consciousness' narrative.

I've promised the__satyr to look at one of his. I'll try to come back to see if there's another of yours that hits me better.

 

[SexyChele]

Okay, I'll give it a go! I do believe I fit the criteria, and respect the person offering, so~

I'm most curious about Cassie's Strange Adventure because this was the first in the "Cassie" series and rates the lowest. Just wondering why that is, as so many people seem to like her as a character. But, even though this is a voyueristic story, there are elements of BDSM (not much) in the story. So, with that in mind, you could choose to look at Cassie Takes Two. It's done okay in the voting, but not as high as some others. And, again, Cassie seems to be a character many like, so it's confusing to me.

Thanks, Voyeur!

 

[ladyphoenix]

Lady and the Voyeur

Dear NC,
WOW. It amazes me how deeply you looked at the story, how greatly detailed your picking out of details was, and all I can say right now is wow.

You thought of things I never even considered while writing. The 'chick flick' quality of his smelling the lilacs, the possibility of someone seeing them from an upstairs window (guess I was assuming all you readers knew that ALL cyber houses are one story. ).

Most particularly I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "oh, geez...he's right about the whole problem with her having another man in when she's so worried about her marriage". I suppose, in my irrational, "I-want-to-think-of-a-rationalization-quick" mentality, I thought she was more worried about Jack than some one night stand because she really CARES for Jack, but that sounds about as limp as the whole problem is to begin with, doesn't it? Drat!

About elipses: yes, I've been chewed out about them over and over again. I'm working on it.

Hey, thank you SO much for the incredible amount of thought and consideration you put into this. I'm already being tough on the next story, wondering what you might find, if you read it.

From me, to you

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Re: Lady and the Voyeur

Most particularly I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "oh, geez...he's right about the whole problem with her having another man in when she's so worried about her marriage

I thought last night while walking the dog (many profound thoughts in that quiet moment) that Nicole should have been divorced. That would have explained her lusty, though jaded mindset, as well as explained her desire to give Jack a gift, but within limits for fear of hurting the innocent spouse. It also would have freed her to dabble with the other guy, while still credibly claiming it was all vicariously directed at Jack, her real soulmate, though one who was offlimits for such play. She would have been a much more appealing and understandable character.

Oh, I forgot to mention. I was curious what readers suggested about the fantasy he should fulfill for her.

The kiss was quite nice.

NC

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Cassie 1

I'm most curious about Cassie's Strange Adventure because this was the first in the "Cassie" series and rates the lowest. Just wondering why that is, as so many people seem to like her as a character. But, even though this is a voyueristic story, there are elements of BDSM (not much) in the story. So, with that in mind, you could choose to look at Cassie Takes Two. It's done okay in the voting, but not as high as some others. And, again, Cassie seems to be a character many like, so it's confusing to me.

'Cassie I' defies categorization, I'll grant that. Part voy/ex, part D/S, part coercion. That may be partly why it hasn't done as well, since no predominant 'flavor' emerges, which confuses those expecting one type or hoping for another.

I think what can be said about the story as a whole can be said about Cassie: in the end, I'm not quite sure what to make of her. I feel like I've kinda gotten a sense of her, but not really.

I noticed some inconsistencies in treatment of her character and a tendency to have her move emotionally in one direction, only to almost immediately 'right herself' in another.

Examples:

She hesitated slightly, but being in a public place she figured she was as safe as anywhere.

I start thinking she's young and uneasy, yet a few sentences later I learn that has been out hitchhiking alone for 6 months. So why does she momentarily act worried about her safety in a cafe/market (it wasn't clear where she was)?

"Because I said you are. And you have a certain look I like. I'm going to photograph you."

At her startled expression, he returned to his food.

"I will pay you, naturally. Hurry up and finish, I want to finish the job early."

She ate as she watched him warily, wondering what he had in mind.

Again, which is she? A complete ingenue who can't figure out that he wants to take nude photos of her. Or an analytical soul who, despite acting nervous moments earlier at the mere idea of sitting with him in public, is now pondering seriously what sort of photographs this man might intend when she's completely alone with him?

As she climbed into his truck, she felt a stirring of doubt, but quickly erased it.

Why did the doubt arise? What was she thinking? And why did it as suddenly leave? What did she tell herself to calm her down?

When she gets to his house, only then (strangely) does she wonder if he is married, or even to think to ask his name.

In a huff, she turned and went down the hallway to the bathroom. She would have left, but he had mentioned that he would pay her. Swearing softly under her breath, she slipped off the t-shirt and threw it into her bag.

I can't tell why she's huffy and swearing. Because he's asked her to undress? (A rather delayed reaction) Or because he asks to be called 'Sir' (she's blithely assenting to undress, but finds the name irksome?) Either way, I can't figure her out.

"Yes, of course. I'll give you $50 for the afternoon. I'd say that would be much better than most of your, uh, customers would be willing to pay."

She bristled at the comment, but the idea of $50 soothed her feelings just a bit.

The guy seems smart and self-assured. I can't believe he actually thinks she's a hooker (she hardly dresses or acts the part). Is it to humiliate her? If so, he never continues much in that vein later, when it would be expected.

Again with Cassie, she's irked, but almost immediately calms down.

She moved towards him, wanting to feel him, but he held her at a distance. She looked up at him with a question in her eyes.

"Don't you like what you see?"

He reached around and gave her ass a small, sharp smack. Although it wasn't hard, the slight humiliation at being treated this way colored her cheeks, and she was about to protest.

Here, I sense she might be insecure over his aloofness, and it certainly uneasy about being smacked.

. She had not yet met a man who could resist her once she turned on the charm, and she started in with various poses.

Four sentences later, I sense a self-assured, confident, seductive Cassie.

She gasped, alarmed at this sense of vulnerability.

"Hold out your arms in front of you, Pet."

Not able to determine why she did as she was told, she obediently placed her arms in front of her.

I can't tell why she's doing it either, and without some insight, I'm seeing her less as a real character and more as a prop. When the blindfold came on was a good time to explore her thoughts and feelings beyond the mere brief mention of vulnerability. I mean, surely at some point she must wonder if this guy's some sadist. Or how it feels to be blindfolded (has she tried this before)?

She felt cold metal surrounding each wrist, heard the click of the cuffs as they enclosed her wrists in their prison. She tested the distance, and discovered she could not move her hands more than a few inches apart. Grabbing each wrist, she felt Sir put a leather cuff on each wrist. She sensed him moving away from her, and then felt him at her ankles, cuffing them in leather as well.

"Stretch out, Pet, on the mattress. I want your legs splayed open, your hands across your waist."

She smiled to herself as she complied with his wishes, spreading herself out on the mattress,

Is this really the same character who initially felt uneasy about merely sitting down with this man at the restaurant? I understand that characters can change, but here I'm given little to explain the change, other than that a promise of 50 bucks and a stern "call me Sir" demeanor has magically given her a passive and serene disposition.

Frightened now, she was tempted to scramble off the bed.

Why then? Why is she so trusting of this total stranger who suddenly and without warning clamps handcuffs on her, but so frightened of the others?

Trembling, but not sure if it was from fear or desire, she could only mumble, "Yes, Sir."

She might (for any of a number of reasons) have spoken only two words. But her interior thoughts at this point (really, for the whole story) would have been fascinating to discover.

She heard the shuffling of feet and bodies, and suddenly she grew frightened. Although she could not see them, she could feel the bodies pressed around her. She felt fingers and hands reach out and touch her body, pinching her nipples, toying with her sensitive clit. Despite herself, she found she was becoming wet once more, and she felt her body responding to the touches being placed on her body.

Again, the impact of her fear barely has time to settle in on the reader before she's turned back to a state of arousal. I think you could get more mileage and depth out of the story by elaborating before moving on.


The specatacle of her performing in front of a group of men was indeed arousing. I found myself being part of that group quite easily.

She felt spurts of jism fly across her belly, her breasts, her cheek. She wished she could have seen them, but the excitement of not seeing them made her pussy drip.

The high point of the story, for sure.

She looked up at him expecting to see some softening. Yet, he still had the same calm demeanor as before. She wanted to tell him that she still wanted him, not simply as a show, but for mutual pleasure. She searched frantically for the words to say that very thing.

"You'd better get yourself cleaned up. There should be some clean towels in the bathroom."

Her mouth dropped open. She looked down at herself and saw the cum drying on her skin, felt it on her face. As she slid to one side of the bed, he walked over and unlocked the cuffs, setting her free. She walked down the hallway to the bathroom and found what she needed to clean herself up. Dressing quickly, she walked back out to the room, not sure what to say, but not wanting it to end.

Again, there's a hint of emotion rising to the surface, but it quickly dissipates. Her jaw dropping seems the wrong reaction; why is she so surprised he's treating her so matter-of-factly? He's been doing that all along.

I keep wanting Cassie to 'find her voice,' either internally or externally. I'm at the end of the story, and she's still a fragmented, mostly shallow puzzle.

He never responded. She let herself out and walked quickly to the main road. She knew she would never forget about this stranger, or her strange adventure.

Hmmm. I guess 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn' and the horseride into the sunset were taken already. At least it was memorable for Cassie. (sigh)

I'm left in the end with this 'that was nice, but it could have been so much more' feeling. Technically, the writing is solid (I don't think I saw error). But Cassie needs more of a personality and voice. The story is like a first date with someone who mostly just sits quietly and listens (while wearing a see through shirt).

On to Part II.

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Cassie 2

This will be much shorter than Part 1.

My observations on Part 2 are much as they were with Part 1: solid writing, good pacing, technically sound (though how did 'Cassie quickly discerned that the driver was the better looking of the 2' slip by?), sex that pleased me (and I'm sure the masses as well), but with my continued frustration that Cassie isn't fleshed out more as a character. I really wish you had written these stories in first person.

The story suffered a bit from the fact that you put in two Latino characters, but nothing in the story apart from their names gave them a latin flavor. I'm not suggesting that stereotypes need to be exploited; but they didn't strike me as Latino. Miguel is described as 'tall'--a Texas latino is invariably Mexican; not a people known for height; Cassie puts in the tape and out comes R&B (R&B? How about ranchero, cumbia, tejano, or even salsa or merengue).

Language: Their speech is pure gringo. While having them speak in dialect is tricky to pull off, I thought it would have been simple enough to interject a spanish word or two. "Hola" (hello) upon meeting. Or Miguel could have muttered 'puta' (slut) a few times during the sex. (Which, whether or not she knew the meaning would have added an interesting dimension). Having the male latinos speak to each other in spanish, or even partial spanish might have been beyond your language skills, but a word or two is easily obtained from any online dictionary. Or at least their speech could have been described as 'accented' or the narrator mention that Miguel uttered something in Spanish to Julio that Cassie didn't get. (If during sex, it's sort of like the 'blindfold' idea of the first story; her eroticism is enhanced by the element of mystery).

The only mystery in the story (it was pretty obvious from early on she'd get picked up and have sex) was the taciturn Julio. Though his behavior was not really explained.

Other oddities: a curvacious 23 year old, curly tressed, tight jeaned, midriff exposed woman hitchhiker sits on the curb without a ride for hours? Hmmmmmmmmm.

 

[SexyChele]

Thank you so much for your feedback and opinions, voyeur! The problem with having friends read one's stories is that everything is "okay" with them! Frustrating when you know your story really needs something.

I understand perfectly what you are saying about Cassie. Glancing back over the stories with your comments in mind, I can truly see her as a one dimensional character. I'm currently writing the fourth Cassie story, and will take your suggestions very much to heart and try to develop Cassie as a true person.

I think part of the problem is that I've modeled Cassie a little after myself, and by revealing too much of her character it reveals too much of me. I think I need to distance myself from her, make her just a literary figure.

I'm sorry, but I had to smile about the comments regarding the two Latinos. (And, yes, just how did that one phrase get in there?!?! ) Actually, both men are based on R/L people completely in total. I know that most Mexicans are of short stature, but I really do know a Mexican guy who stands over 6 feet tall and listens to R&B! I wrote the story in part for him, so I didn't change the characters at all and hadn't really meant the Latinos to be the "highlight" of the story. But, could be that some people saw that in the tagline and were expecting something else? Something to think about, as I'm awful at thinking up titles and taglines!

Again, thanks a lot! You have already given some great direction on where to go with the story I'm currently writing.

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Reader expectations

Your friend is intriguing, but most readers aren't likely to have the experience of knowing a tall mexican who's into R&B. I think this is one case where you have to anticipate the questions a reader might naturally have and answer them through your protagonist and narrator:

E.g., As it pulled up next to her, the passenger window rolled down, and Cassie could saw two men. They were dark complected; Mexican.

* * *
Cassie watched as the passenger grudgingly got out of the truck before she slung her bag onto the floor of the truck and then climbed in. She slid next to the driver, and couldn't help but notice that, standing, he must be very tall. Odd, she thought, most Mexicans she knew were on the shorter side. But his height gave him a pleasing, attractive appearance.


Or: Cassie pushed the tape into the player, and the cab filled with the hard, driving beat of R&B. She looked a Miguel with a surprised smile on her face.

"Hey, how'd you come to like R&B so much?" she asked.

"Years back, Julio and I crossed over into Looz'yana and tried to pick up some work playing mariachi at weddings. Turns out, not too many were into that. But I got lucky and got some gigs playing rhythm guitar for 'Billy Beaudreax & the Bayou Bluemen.' It didn't last for long; but Billy's wife now makes the best 'Cajun Tacos' in the world."

Well, you get the idea.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Why the heck not.

I'm working on the sequel now (two years later). This is an old one of mine, so if you run across punctuation and grammar that makes your hind-teeth grind, just go ahead and ignore it. I have learned my lessons there. Really, I have.

The Gathering Night
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=3261

It's in erotic couplings, no horrible objectionable material I hope.

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Who let the dogs out?

Oh, my. A request to review a KM story. It's like--being asked to hear the Pope's confession. Wow.

The opening: The cold Wyoming wind swept across the brazen prairie and deep into his heart. He lifted his face to the gathering Night. It was that time again.

Very good cinematographic image with a hint of mystery and 'something to come.' You've got my attention.

Two nights later he returned home, limping and bruised to his core. How had Grandfather described it? A pain of the soul, not of the body. Sometime after the Night he’d tangled with something tougher than he was. He searched his memory, but found nothing but black fog and blood. Always the blood.

You're adding more mystery here. But, I'm still keeping my mind open. (Strangely, even at the end of the story, the "Night" is still enshrouded in a good bit of fog.)

For writers and would-be writers reading along here, I will hold up He searched his memory, but found nothing but black fog and blood. Always the blood. as a great example of effective use of a sentence fragment.

He would be getting no work done it for at least a few weeks. For a normal man, this would be months, for him it was only a few weeks. A convenience he would rather have done without, all things considered.

"Convenience" seems out of place. What's convenient? His unplanned vacation? (That seems inconvenient, at best.) His ability to heal faster than others? (That's convenient, but why then would he rather do without?) Confusing.

He growled deep in his throat, giving vent to the anger of the white in his heritage.

I puzzled over 'the anger of the white in his heritage.' An odd expression. In the next paragraph the reader learns of a possible tribal heritage; so I then assumed it refers to some idea of caucasian-blood mix. My thought (then) was that the two ideas should have been reversed in sequence. (By the end of the story, I'm back again to greater confusion over what that expression means.)

Mariah eyed the newcomer curiously over her coffee cup. She’d only been in town six months, but this man, she’d never seen. She’d been told that he was as native to this place as the grass was. His roots went as far back as the Lakota themselves.

More puzzling, contradictory expressions. It seems he's the native and she's the newcomer.

His features were as ageless as the mountains around them.

This simile has a bit of that 'as honest as the day is long' feel. If "ageless" is meant in the sense of "not showing the effect of aging," I understand how 'features' could have that attribute, but then the comparison to mountains is odd (how the hell do I tell a youthful-looking mountain from an old one?) If "ageless" is meant as "classic" or 'timeless," I understand how mountains have that eternal feel, but then I'm not sure what 'timeless features' in a man are supposed to be.

Mariah took one last fortifying sip of her coffee and watched Wring stare morosely at the chipped tabletop. He was in the diner to hire a hand. She knew for a fact that she was the only one applying for the job.

Wring could feel her eyes on him, this stranger. Unfortunately, she was the only person who’d shown him any interest in the last three hours. This was his second trip to town, if this widening in the road could be called “town,” in the last week for this purpose. No one wanted the job.

I've been pondering your use of alternating, omniscient perspectives. It does help the reader see Wring from 'outside,' though at times the shifts seem a bit abrupt. Here, I was moving along into the next paragraph when I did a 'whoa, I guess I'm not inside her head anymore' doubletake. Later on, there was another time, specifically--

The interesting threads her life had woven to bring her to this couch.

The stupid woman had finally fallen asleep.

--when the shift was even more confusing. Better there to have had Wring sit up (the idea of the next sentence) before letting the mental thought emerge. It reads here like the narrator thinks the woman is stupid. Same goes for the paragraph opening "Once again that blasted woman did the last thing he’d expected."

She could still feel the pads of his fingers against her flesh, even though he was no longer touching her.

Pads. Very clever beginning segue.

“You have the most beautiful eyes.” She murmured . .

Now, admit it. You wrote this, all the while having this shit-eating grin on your face, as the unspoken retort "All the better to see you with, my dear" echoed in your brain. 'Fess up, you bad girl, you.

“How did you know my name?” She asked as her hair spilled across his bed.

How ever did you resist having the wind kick up and howl through the glass panes at that moment?

("A-way out west, they have a name, for rain and wind and fire . . ." Ahem. Sorry. Musical interlude is over; back to work.)


The 'lapping,' 'salivating,' the scents, his 'prowling up the length of her body'--you were having just too much fun, weren't you?

Now, the 64 dollar question: was the imagery too obvious and too heavy so as to spoil the ending? All I can say is: I blew it. About midway to 2/3 in I wondered how long this was going to be (not that I was bored, just pressed for time) and scrolled down to see if there was a page '2, 3 or 4.' Unfortunately, my eyes took in the last 3 lines at that point. (Sorry. You may spank me. 'And after the spanking . . .'). I'm curious how others have may have answered this.

Mariah opened her eyes, gasping. He was staring down into her, intense and wild as the wind she’d been named for.

Finally. Though it's not clear what's 'intense and wild'--Mariah, or Wring and his stare. Could have used a re-write.

I think it would have been better, as suggested above, to simply have put 'Mariah' and 'wind' in proximity and let the reader connect the dots. People either know the song (or the idea on which it's based) or they don't. If they do, they'll smile wryly at the subtlety. If they don't 'the wind she'd been named for' will elicit a 'what on earth is she talking about' reaction.

The same part of him that had been in his father and driven his father insane.

I liked having a line that re-visited the story's mysterious quality, giving a momentary pause to the pure sexual description while not distracting from it.

Wring, she discovered, was a blanket hog. The parts of her pressed to his parts were toasty warm, the rest of her was turning into a Mariahsicle.

Yikes. Such a sudden change in tone. The whole story has been shrouded in these mysterious, primal, earthy tones, and suddenly out pops these cutesy 'blanket hog' and 'Mariahsicle' terms. It's as if the narrator needed a post-coital cigarette break and flipped on Jay Leno.

Overall, it's a worthy and typical KM story--rich in imagery and imagination, well-conceived with good pacing. The technical glitches I'm sure you've long since discovered (one instance of internal dialogue in quotes; some dialogue that ends with periods, not commas; a few stray/missing words, etc.)

There's certainly a lot that could be grist for Part 2 (the "Night," the ancestral mystery, etc.) Though you do seem to face the George Lucas-type challenge of explaining the story-before-the-story, with the reader already partly clued into the background.

 

[Route66Girl]

Feedback?

Your original post on this thread was a little while ago, so I don't know if you're still at leisure to do in-depth critiques. But, if you are...

I've only got two submissions on Lit right now. If you get the chance, I'd welcome your take on either one. I'll give you a quick description so you can take your pick.

Miss Nova is a two-pager; a vignette-type piece about a Vegas girl, her Chevy Nova convertible and a mysterious cowboy.

A Memory of Red is a three-pager about a young blind man who has his first time. It was mainly experimental; I'd never written from the male POV and I wanted to try to create eroticism without visual description.

A sequel for the first, Miss Nova, is in the works. So a review of that one could really help shape the next part.



Miss Nova

A Memory of Red

 

[KillerMuffin]

Thank you, NCmV. I really appreciate that.

 

[NCmVoyeur]

OK

Thank you, NCmV. I really appreciate that.

I'm glad you appreciated it, though I thought that a few comments would elicit a reaction. (Not going to comment on my "Red Riding Hood" allusion? )

 

[KillerMuffin]

Of course I am, in the absolutely best way. I've already written the line, I'm just waiting to get around to it in the story. The end of the current chapter, of course.

Mariah leaned against the doorjamb, watching him bathe. Something in the way he turned those yellow eyes on her made her feel like a voyeur. "I feel like Little Red Riding Hood."

Incidentally, there's no actual confirmation of what Wring is claiming to be, just the "He's my father" statement in #1 (which she blows off as the man being totally insane in #2)--could he be?

I can't yet confirm or deny. It's a possibility. #2 is going to deal with him trying to convince her that he's not insane when he already believes that he's insane.

 

[NCmVoyeur]

I get my kicks . . .

Route66Girl, I picked "A Memory of Red." I value attempts at experimentation.

Overall, I thought the experiment worked. I thought David was well-developed, well thought-out character. It was a good choice for a woman writer delving into the male psyche, since it seems natural that he would be sensitive (sensory-driven) male. I really didn't notice the lack of visual cues at all; the story flowed quite well without.

Particular points:

Opening: Good. Enough to pique my curiosity.

Though I thought it would have been better to stick to past tense throughout. Sentences like " But I knew who it was well before she got to the table." while technically correct, just 'sound' off when the tense appears to switch.

I was thoroughly engrossed in the material until catching that beautiful scent, her feet padding quietly along the marble floor as she approached the table.

A bit of a dangling modifier: it reads as if 'her feet' are the 'beautiful scent' he senses.

Her sigh, combined with the quickness of her movements and the apparent nature of her reading gave me to think she might be around my age, perhaps a little younger.

The problem here is that you've not yet given his age, so as a reader I'm thinking "how the heck does he conclude that based on those clues?"

You have a tendency towards wordiness and redundancy. Examples:

Although I could find it myself, Percy led the way straight to my favorite spot by the window in the main study hall, which everyone else used. (I can assume the fact that most--even if not 'everyone'--uses it is precisely why it's the 'main' study hall.)

When he got up to use the restroom, she asked about what had happened to my eyes- the scars around them, you understand. (As dialogue, the wordiness might have seemed appropriate. But in narration 'she asked about the scars around my eyes' would have conveyed the entire thought.)

Sarah and I bantered for a long while after that. "After that" is unnecessary; obviously any banter comes later.

I'd never laughed so much with anybody before. Same goes for 'with anybody.' "I'd never laughed so much before."

As we strolled through a park on our way, an unusual thing happened; something that I'd never shared with anyone before- a comfortable silence. If he'd never experienced it before, then it is 'unusual' by definition. "As we strolled through a park, I experienced a new sensation--comfortable silence."

Eventually, the cool air of spring night started us shivering as the heat of sex left us, and she retrieved my coat so we could cuddle underneath it, holding on to each other. "Cuddling" and "holding onto each other" are pretty much the same thing. Better to get rid of the appendage.

I withdrew my cock in a long, slow stroke and plunged back into the liquid fire of her heat quickly, Fire. Heat. Pick one.


Some good points:

"What's so funny?" the girl whispered.

His unease at approaching her, and the transition into their dialogue was well done.

I had never been kissed like that, not even by Megan. She and I had kissed, but it was only closed-mouthed, and we'd never ventured further than a little timid fondling. But this was a woman who kissed me now; a woman with a sensual, firm body pressed against mine, and she was expressing more than affection. The sweet taste of her hot mouth electrified my body, making it respond with more than I thought was decent; my blood rushed hot through my veins, heart pumping fast, and I was horrified to feel my cock getting hard. Sarah's body was against mine so tightly that she no doubt felt it.

A very nice paragraph; tells me a lot about him and his reactions at the moment.

The sex scenes were solid. Very sensual. My one complaint is that there was relatively little to make him seem like a 'novice.' Not that I wanted him to be inept and fumbling about; but for most of it there was little to distinguish the description from the typical Lit. sex scene. I thought a bit more dialogue where she helps him along a bit would have helped. They were so naturally conversant; they got a bit quiet.

She was snuggled up, facing me, small sounds of licking and sucking coming from her. It took me a moment to realize that she was cleaning her hand with her tongue and mouth.

I really think that was Percy.


The ending: The final line is as perfect a line as I've read on Literotica. So poignant and compelling!

 

[Route66Girl]

If you ever plan to motor west

NCmVoyeur: I really think that was Percy.

LMAO! Oh, what images that brings to mind. Ewwwwww!

Thank you very much for the comments. They were extremely helpful.

I'm always fighting battles against "wordiness and redundancy" and lose more often than not. But I'm hoping to win the war.

I'd never written in present tense before, either. Even though I only used the present tense as bookends in this story, it still (obviously) proved problematic. If I do a rewrite, it'll all be in past tense.

And the sex scene; I hadn't thought about it that way, but you're right- I missed an opportunity or two there for some good dialogue.

All of your suggestions will be worked into any rewrite of A Memory of Red, and I'll keep them in mind for future stories, as well.

Thanks again!

R66G