Feedback for Temple Dog

[Memomax1975]

Hi, all. I've just had my ninth story published, and while I like to think I've improved with each story, feedback doesn't seem to be a priority for most people. I'd like to know what y'all think about this story. It's basically a long prologue to set up the main story I'm working on. I spent quite a bit of time researching ancient Sumer for the facts I twisted to fit my story, and I'm anxious to see what needs further work skill wise. Thanks in advance.

https://www.literotica.com/s/temple-dog-ch-01-inannas-hope

 

[RoperTrace]

I'm only one page in but enjoying it quite a bit. But I had to look up at least two words so far. The first one was mrymidon and I did read Homer's Iliad a long time ago but didn't recall that word.
Minor typo on page 1-
"Her smell, laden with even more pheromones, drove (him?)wild with passion."

This sentence seemed rather lengthy, and I'm guilty of doing the same.
"Her family was...not Muslim, so they had immigrated to the U.S. to avoid the stigma from their neighbors once it became known publicly, according to what she had said in response during a conversation with the corporal her second week at the site."

I didn't quite understand why the corporal's memory gets erased after making love to the beautiful Akilah, but maybe it will become clearer as I continue.

Is it possible for a 21-year-old woman to be 5'7, 130 lbs. and have 32B bust? That's fairly close to my wife at 21, 5'8 and ~128 lbs. I'm not a huge fan of listing bust sizes, but to each their own.

I enjoy the visuals you're providing, both to the landscape and the sex scenes. Good story!

 

[Memomax1975]

Thanks! In regards to the weight, that was an oops. I had done a minor rewrite on Akilah, and must have missed that.

In regards to bust sizes, I'm exploring my writing style, and trying to see which I prefer. I'm coming to realize I think I just prefer describing them, and will probably just do that from now on.

It is explained further in why Jeff has his memory erased, and will also be addressed again in the next chapter.

This is my first attempt at a story that is more than just simply sex, and I'll do my best to avoid long running sentences from here on out.

Again, thank you

 

[Ilfen1]

You need to tag your stories if you want them to get more exposure. Yours appears to be firmly in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy camp, and a smattering of minor tags that I think will be helpful to you, including "action, "goddess", "magic", "impregnation" etc.

I skimmed through your story. There were parts that I liked and parts that I... skimmed through.

It appears to be an action-packed romp with significant sex elements and but very little character and emotional development.

It's not really for me, so I'm not sure how much my criticism really applies. It essentially boils down to: I need more insight into the characters: their thoughts and feelings. If there's little of it then it's very hard for me to care about the sex no matter how much of it there is, and even less about action. Think of it like this: how would you re-write or add sections to the story so that you would feel comfortable with adding the "romance" tag to it?

I skimmed through the thing trying to find a hook: What are Jeff and Akilah's motivations? Didn't find it till half way through with him meeting the Goddess. It needs to be front and centre.

 

[Memomax1975]

Thank you for the suggestions. I'll definitely take the tags issue into account in the future.

To be honest, I'm really just getting back into writing anything more than RPG adventures for the first time in over 20 years, and while some of it comes back quickly, other things come back a bit more slowly.

I will also definitely work on my character development and hooks. I really appreciate the feedback, and will take it to heart.

Thanks again!

 

[CyranoJ]

Hi, all. I've just had my ninth story published, and while I like to think I've improved with each story, feedback doesn't seem to be a priority for most people. I'd like to know what y'all think about this story.

The lore and concept are pretty neat, on the whole. I like erotic fantasy that finds creative excuses for the sexual side of things, and you've got that covered. Your writing style delivers pretty well on both the action and sexual fronts, which is to say those scenes are involving and I'm not tempted to skim through them.

The downside of the lore is that it is a bit... intricate, and in parts confusing. I don't understand what things like the Lifestream and the Bloodstream are and how they're supposed to work, for example. That aspect of things feels a bit like I'm reading fiction based on an RPG whose magic system I haven't been fully read in on. And though I like the idea of casting Gilgamesh as the antagonist in theory, his execution is maybe a wee bit on the over-the-top side for my tastes (though it might be interesting to learn why there's such a wide gap between ancient Sumerian myths about him and the real thing, what made him this ravening horror instead of just being kind of a nonce like he is in the epic).

And I would agree with the poster who said that it would be interesting to see character work fleshed out a bit more. The characters in this initial chapter certainly feel to me like they're mainly there to set the stage for the really interesting cast, so it's hard to get too invested at this stage.

Most of that is just personal-taste stuff, though. In terms of overall execution, I was still happy to hit you with five stars. I'd check out further chapters.

 

[Memomax1975]

Thanks!

Yes, this chapter was all about setup. The Lifestream and Bloodstream will be explained in coming chapters, as will the story of Gilgamesh and why he is the way he is.

This was actually just supposed to be a few thousand words of prologue with the start of the actual story included, but as I wrote, the story took more of its own path and I kind of just followed.

I just hope people like the following chapters.

Thanks again!