Interested in feedback for story. Please let me know how you feel.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=21422
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=21422
FEEDBACK FOR STORY - Sinful Staff Member
- Thread starter ESQUIRED
- Start date
Laurel
Kitty Mama
- Joined
- Aug 27, 1999
- Posts
- 20,692
The best way to get feedback is to give feedback. With so many authors seeking advice, the best way to get your story noticed and critiqued is to respect other authors and help them out. Showing up and immediately demanding feedback will get you a lukewarm reaction, if any. Good luck, and take care! 
Rumple Foreskin
The AH Patriarch
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2002
- Posts
- 11,109
ESQUIRED,
First of all, I'd like to second and re-state the wisdom of Laurel. In critiquing, if you want to get, then give. Besides, IMHO, it's as helping to give the fool things as it is to get 'em.
I also agree with ccb2. The main problem with your story was the weak, familiar (same ole same ole) plot.
This was not a bad first effort. Your mechanics are good, however you need to spend time working on plotting and characterization-and critiquing other folks work. Good luck. RF
First of all, I'd like to second and re-state the wisdom of Laurel. In critiquing, if you want to get, then give. Besides, IMHO, it's as helping to give the fool things as it is to get 'em.
I also agree with ccb2. The main problem with your story was the weak, familiar (same ole same ole) plot.
This was not a bad first effort. Your mechanics are good, however you need to spend time working on plotting and characterization-and critiquing other folks work. Good luck. RF
Ray Dario
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2000
- Posts
- 529
You asked for it, You got it.
ESQUIRED,
First of all, the "Plot" to this story, may have seemed same ole' to others, but I don't think it was the plot that was the problem. There are only a few stories in the universe, so rehashing them is what we as writers do. This could have been a very hot story. So I will try to tell you what I think happened. Remember that this is only my opinion.
First of all, point of view. By choosing first person point of view for your story you automatically increase the difficulty of the writing. First person is harder to make interesting to the reader than third person. However it can be used effectively, it is just more difficult.
Second of all. Dialog. If you had any, I missed it. Dialog is essential to all stories no matter the point of view. It should be set apart in seperate paragraphs.
Third of all. Show don't tell. Your story is a very classic example of telling not showing. An example. You tell us that MJ had a penchant for threesomes. Instead of doing that you could have used dialog to show us this by having her say something like.
"Wow, I noticed the cute little sexatery you have outside. Think she would like to join us?"
Or something. You would have to keep it in character, but because you simply told us, she doesn't have any real character which brings me to my last point.
Character building. You didn't take the time to develop any of the characters. Not even the main one. I never got any feel for them, never "got to know them". Take some time to show us the characters, build them up and make them real. It is sometimes hard, especially in short stories where you have to do it quickly.
If you want to develop your writing, and since you asked for feedback I assume you do, then read and think about the story you are reading. Read some of the good writers here at Lit. I'd give you a list, but I'd miss someone and offend everyone I left off the list, but the "Good" writers aren't hard to pick out. And also keep writing, try to make each story better than the last. Get a good editor and if the editor you use doesn't help, try another until you get one or two or more that really give you good honest feedback.
Don't be offended when people give you negative feedback. Read it and try to learn from it, and if it is total crap then ignore it. Keep writing and keep submitting your stories. I will say this. Your story is better than many that are posted here. It could also be much better.
Remember, this was just my opinion. It was worth about what you paid for it, maybe not quite that much, but maybe I have given you something to think about.
Good luck!
Ray
ESQUIRED,
First of all, the "Plot" to this story, may have seemed same ole' to others, but I don't think it was the plot that was the problem. There are only a few stories in the universe, so rehashing them is what we as writers do. This could have been a very hot story. So I will try to tell you what I think happened. Remember that this is only my opinion.
First of all, point of view. By choosing first person point of view for your story you automatically increase the difficulty of the writing. First person is harder to make interesting to the reader than third person. However it can be used effectively, it is just more difficult.
Second of all. Dialog. If you had any, I missed it. Dialog is essential to all stories no matter the point of view. It should be set apart in seperate paragraphs.
Third of all. Show don't tell. Your story is a very classic example of telling not showing. An example. You tell us that MJ had a penchant for threesomes. Instead of doing that you could have used dialog to show us this by having her say something like.
"Wow, I noticed the cute little sexatery you have outside. Think she would like to join us?"
Or something. You would have to keep it in character, but because you simply told us, she doesn't have any real character which brings me to my last point.
Character building. You didn't take the time to develop any of the characters. Not even the main one. I never got any feel for them, never "got to know them". Take some time to show us the characters, build them up and make them real. It is sometimes hard, especially in short stories where you have to do it quickly.
If you want to develop your writing, and since you asked for feedback I assume you do, then read and think about the story you are reading. Read some of the good writers here at Lit. I'd give you a list, but I'd miss someone and offend everyone I left off the list, but the "Good" writers aren't hard to pick out. And also keep writing, try to make each story better than the last. Get a good editor and if the editor you use doesn't help, try another until you get one or two or more that really give you good honest feedback.
Don't be offended when people give you negative feedback. Read it and try to learn from it, and if it is total crap then ignore it. Keep writing and keep submitting your stories. I will say this. Your story is better than many that are posted here. It could also be much better.
Remember, this was just my opinion. It was worth about what you paid for it, maybe not quite that much, but maybe I have given you something to think about.
Good luck!
Ray
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