Feedback for sramir2

[sramir2]

I'm writing "Kate and I" and would like some comments about what people think of it. I don't care if it's criticism or appreciation, just please put a name, not a fan of anonymous comments. I'm a rookie at this writing thing, lol. Thank you

 

[sr71plt]

http://www.literotica.com/s/kate-and-i-ch-01

Novels/novellas

 

[sramir2]

Thank you, lol. That might help to actually post the story, lol.

 

[Blind_Justice]

I'm sorry to say this, but your chapter needs a lot of work. I understand it's a first effort and it takes balls to put it in front of strangers, but you're making a ton of mistakes.

First and foremost, please get an editor. Your sentences range from passable to "a jumbled mess", with sloppy punctuation and far too many repeated words. I generally "get" what you want to say, but it's not even close to a smooth read. I don't expect razor-sharp prose, especially In a first effort, but at least a firm grasp of your chosen language would be nice. Also, your character talks about himself far too much. You could have him overhear two of his subordinates talking about him instead of rattling off that long monologue about how he thinks they view him. It would have made that section a lot more lively.

Second, what you posted isn't quite a story yet. It's more like the intro to one, especially given the category. My first question after reading it was "Huh? Now what?" Guy wakes up, goes to work, gets hit on by gorgeous office slut #1, brushes her off and meets office... lady #2. Gorgeous, of course.

And that's the third thing rubbing me the wrong way. You're laying it on much too thick. When the protag's football career came up and you tossed the Skyrim reference, I was about to toss it. Supermen and Supermodels are very problematic, you will run out of superlatives very quickly and your characters will all become caricatures. Flaws make characters believable and interesting. I know that stories, especially erotica, is some kind of wish fulfillment, but drilling <insert current, hot supermodel> will get stale after a while.

Most of my criticisms can be dealt with. Keep on writing, you will get better, both on a technical (grammar) and storytelling level if you put in the effort to learn from your mistakes. If you want, I can go over your first chapter and at least fix the grammar, so you have something to work with.

 

[PennLady]

I have to agree with Mr. Justice above. You threw way too much information at the reader all at once, and in a scattershot way. You need to work on punctuation and organization, and structure.

It is hard to say anything about the characters, as we don't know much about them from this little bit aside from superficial things.

And you do lay it on thick. You could have cut Aden's football story way down -- we don't need every injury he had. Not to mention -- an arrow to the knee? Way too much.

It's not that people can't have back stories, or be fantastic athletes or gorgeous. but when all of them are like that, it's boring.

 

[sramir2]

Thank you for the criticism. It always appreciated. I'm going to answer some of it.

The shortness of this chapter will be taken care of because, I have already posted other chapters of the same stories if you are interested. They are better trust me, or at least I think so.

For the other chapters that I have posted I'm using an I editor now, if interested its sexnovella

These characters are flawed, you'll learn about it later.


The "arrow to a knee" was joke.

When I labeled the stories I screwed up, but I didn't know what else to label them as.

If I seem mad when answering these I'm not, in really do appreciated to comments.