Feedback for "Proving the Bet"

[AverageBear]

I'd love to hear from some of you on my newest posting, "Proving the Bet", in the Group Sex category. I've won short story contests in non-erotica, and am wondering if the standards for erotica are different. I believe in building up the characters and relationships before getting to the "main event" - am I wrong? Or is the category wrong? The feedback is pretty good, but the number of public comments is way less than I'd expected. The number of hits is also down - maybe it's the season, since it wound up getting released on Dec. 23. Anway, both positive and negative feedback would be welcome. I'd just like to know that people are enjoying my work, or let me know what would make it more enjoyable.

Thanks,

AverageBear

P.S. Here's the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=398507

 

[poppy_cock]

How many public comments were you expecting?

3 isn't bad going for a comparatively new author and judging by the stories on the first page of the toplist for Group Sex, better than average for that category.

There's nothing much wrong with your story, and as others have already stated, many things that are very right. The switching of POVs between husband and wife was particularly effective. I can see why you've won awards for short stories too. The only thing I might say though, is to be careful not to over-egg the pudding. Your opening for example:

The salty sea air rushed sideways over my flip-flop-clad toes. The wind was being generated primarily by the forward motion of the ship. From my vantage point on our private balcony, the cobalt blue sky appeared to be dusted with feathery white cirrus clouds.

While it paints a good picture, it's actually a bit over the top. You're trying too hard with those descriptions. Sometimes, less is more. But that's something experience will take care of. Believe me, in time, you'll re-read that opening and cringe a little.

That said, I will say you have the makings of a very good writer. Once you've submitted a few more stories here, you'll find that votes and comments begin to pick up as you get yourself more of a following. But you'll also notice that readers of different categories vote differently. You'll pick up a lot of comments if you post a Loving Wives story but will get very few if you post a Toys and Masturbation story, for example. Just the way it seems to be.

Keep writing. I'll be looking out for your next submission.

 

[AverageBear]

Thanks

Thanks for both the affirmation and the constructive criticism, Poppy_Cock. All your points are well taken and much appreciated. Your willingness to spend the time reading and giving thought to your critique will not go to waste.

Feedback from others will be appreciated as well.

AverageBear

 

[caspersghoast]

i like it just give it some time

 

[GeorgieH]

Hi there,

I've left a public comment, having thoroughly enjoyed your well-paced story with its believable characters and gently sizzling plot, but I thought I'd add my feedback here as well pour encourager les autres.

I think you handled the pov switches very well indeed - it's a device that can seriously detract from a good story if executed badly, but in your case its effect was quite the opposite. I guess that I would have to concur (reluctantly) with Poppy about the 'over-egging', but since it's something I can often be guilty of, I won't make too much of it...

I love your writing style and most of all, I love the fact that after reading your story I was left feeling a great deal of empathy with your lead characters.

Keep it up!

Georgie
x

(PS Thank you again for your feedback on my own scribblings - much appreciated)