Feedback for Newbies Please

[dp_sluts_5000]

Hi Everyone!
This our first post, and we recently made our first submission.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=139885
We would greatly appreciate if anyone has any feedback.
Thanks, D & P

 

[Hotcappucino]

D & P:

Very nice first story. I enjoyed the exquisite descriptions of their love-making. I normally don't like second-person perspectives; in fact, if I see that a story is in second-person, I usually don't bother reading it, but I'm happy I stuck through this one.

In my opinion, though, this particular story might come across better in first person from the woman's perspective, because I think it would seem more real if the woman writes what she's feeling, thinking, and experiencing rather than what someone else is telling us she's feeling, etc. You might want to play around with that.

You also might want to incorporate some smells in your description, maybe some more textures. To me, stories that throw in a little bit of each of the senses (taste, sound, smell, touch/texture, sight) add to the fullness.

I would probably have broken the next to last paragraph into two, only because it's a little long.

Personally, I would have left the very last sentence off. It jarred me away from the mental image of the three bodies sprawled on the bed, and I think that would have been a better impression to leave your readers.

Your spelling, grammar & punctuation are excellent for the most part. Only a very few minor errors:
"lillies" should be "lilies"
"Hi sweetheart, hi Steve" should have commas after each "hi."
"... your last spasms subsides ..." should be "... your last spasms subside ..."
"Oh God Mike, ..." should be "Oh God, Mike, ..."
The word "that" needs to be taken out of the sentence, "We clean up and decide that to act out another fantasy."

Once again, nice little short story. Intro was tantalizing enough to draw me in but not so long as to bore me. Good build-up to the conclusion. As I mentioned earlier, the strength of the writing is in the detailed descriptions. Looking forward to your next effort.