Feedback for my Story

[ofLebanon]

I'd love some feedback for this story, it's the first time I've tried to write horror.

http://www.literotica.com/s/hello-darkness-1

Thanks!

 

[PennLady]

Well, I just read it and I have to say it left me a bit confused.

First, you jump from her being alone to having someone touching her. There's no drift off, no pause, no nothing. It was jarring for me, and I think jarred me right out of the story.

The sex scene was fine, but I didn't find anything terribly horrific about this. Okay, she's sick and not eating, and apparently not getting any medical advice, but -- what's so awful about that?

And then after what is apparently a very nice memory of a sexual encounter... she dies.

Who are all these people that depend on her? I think it might have helped to know that. Do they really depend on her, or is she being a bit of a martyr about things? Is she a mom with a husband and kids? A daughter forced to take care of elderly parents?

I feel like what you have here is the beginning of something with a decent premise, like a good first draft. However, it feels rushed in its current state. I had no time to empathize (or not) with the character and then she was gone.

 

[PacoFear]

Hi OfLebanon,

PennLady rose picked up on the main things that had me confuzzled as well.

Not all that horrific...
Just because a character dies at the end of the story does not make it a horror story. As part of a larger work, I could easily see this as the bittersweet conclusion to a star-crossed romance.

The no name game...
Names. You don't have 'em. There are folks here who come out on all sides of whether or not it's a good idea to do this. I understand the theory that "it'll make it more universal if I let the reader supply their own names." I just don't buy the theory. It proves too much. A blank page would tell the most universal story; readers get to fill it all in for themselves! This sounds just as silly as it is. Pick a name for your peeps and make it a reflection of your characters. A "Tiffany" in your story is going to say something way different than a "Delilah."

Perspective...
Hang around here for more than five minutes and you'll stumble over a heated argument related to point of view. Fiction writers obsess over it and for good reason. As a writer, you're literally choosing the angle from which your readers are going to view the events you're describing. On my read, you've got an awkward angle, what's called "third person omniscient." It rings funny to me and some percentage of readers because, I think, it's unrealistic. In everyday life, we're not privy to the thoughts of the folks around us. So when you detail what your "she" is thinking and then what your "he" is thinking, it's jarring. The term for this I saw on Lit for the first time is "head hopping." Avoid it by narrowing your insights to just one character's thoughts. What other characters are thinking can be described as how the main character perceives their actions, responses, etc.

Hope this helps,

-PF

 

[LaBurquette]

I agree with the above posters about how abrupt it was to go right into the sex scene. I know that she's writing about a past experience but I think you need more lead-in. Maybe if you talked a little bit about why she's writing this little piece of memoir, it would flow a little more smoothly.

There are things I liked a lot, too. Some of your word choices are fantastic. Her nipples being "raspberry confections" was a gorgeous image. The way her nightgown "puddled" was a strong, vivid verb. And I love how playful the sex was.

Something you might try is putting down a story like this and coming back to it in a day or two. When it's not fresh in your head, you'll see the confusing parts more easily.