Feedback for my newest story?
- Thread starter Brett315
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elfin_odalisque
Literotica Guru
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Shwenn
This is the RIGHT place. Sorry, Story Feedback and someone asks for Feedback on a Story? Doh!
Shwenn
This is the RIGHT place. Sorry, Story Feedback and someone asks for Feedback on a Story? Doh!
Sorry, I posted a response that I had to edit because I posted it on the wrong thread. That's what I meant by "wrong place". I meant that response to go to "Where did I drop the ball?" but I posted it here for some retarded reason.
I am not that person.
Honestly, if this were a thread asking how to shoe a horse I wouldn't tell the person they were posting in the wrong place. Fuck, maybe somebody here actually knows how to shoe a horse.
Ah, not so perfect then.
Got an angry little boner for me there, glory?
No, lol. Yours is certainly an intelligent and adult posting, isn't it?
Just, seeing that you were throwing rocks at other people's houses . . .
Not in this thread.
Stop following me into completely different threads with your angry little boner.
Keep it in the relevant thread.
Strange that you'd make that some sort of rule (specially since you just arrived at Literotica).
Because I've seen at least two threads that you started throwing your rocks at without any sort of invitation or introduction.
Might try calming down and looking around before you pick those rocks up. You haven't shows that your shit smells any better than anyone elses. lol.
I'll stick with the authors who are well-published where I can see and read them.
tickledkitty
Precious.
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2007
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- 6,753
How 'bout we just give the OP some feedback, huh?
tickledkitty
Precious.
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2007
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- 6,753
I felt that you were building into a much longer and more detailed story, which I'd have actually liked. I wanted to get to know the two main characters better. I do think you introduced too many characters at the beginning who really didn't have anything to do with the story, other than they were swept away right before Sam's eyes, but you never went back to that. She never was really upset by it. That is kind of hard to believe. This was her best friend, right?
I found her name confusing, as well. I was assuming she was a male at first. When she introduces herself to Mike, I found the "My name's Samantha but call me Sam" thing a bit much. They're in a life or death situation. I just don't find it believeable that she would say that.
I think your dialogue is a bit stilted, and the characters use each other's names too much. Try saying the dialogue aloud a couple times and see if you think these people would actually talk like that.
Again, I really felt like you were building into something more when:
She was getting aroused as he was pulling her out of the water? Again, not very believeable.
Your writing is actually not bad overall. I did see a few grammatical things but nothing major. I think this could be a really good story if you expanded on it, made it have more of a plot.
I found her name confusing, as well. I was assuming she was a male at first. When she introduces herself to Mike, I found the "My name's Samantha but call me Sam" thing a bit much. They're in a life or death situation. I just don't find it believeable that she would say that.
I think your dialogue is a bit stilted, and the characters use each other's names too much. Try saying the dialogue aloud a couple times and see if you think these people would actually talk like that.
Again, I really felt like you were building into something more when:
What? This woman has nearly drowned, seen her whole world swept away, been in "hell", as you said, but she's going to fuck some guy she doesn't even know? I find that hard to believe. There's no tension there, nothing keeping them apart. You could have had her upset and him comforting her as a way for them to get physically close. You could have also had them stranded there in the woods for longer, making sexual contact more believeable and making your story more interesting in the process.
She was getting aroused as he was pulling her out of the water? Again, not very believeable.
Your writing is actually not bad overall. I did see a few grammatical things but nothing major. I think this could be a really good story if you expanded on it, made it have more of a plot.
The_Fractal_King
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2007
- Posts
- 441
This is probably going to be incoherent (prescription tranqs are a bitch) but I'll try.
I think you need more obvious dividing lines. There were a couple time where I wasn't sure how the characters had traveled through time and space in the course of the break between paragraphs. I'm not sure where the sexual connection came between your characters, nearly freezing to death isn't typically arousing. There's also that they knew each other for all of maybe 15 minutes (not couting time unconcious) before this happens.
I think you need more obvious dividing lines. There were a couple time where I wasn't sure how the characters had traveled through time and space in the course of the break between paragraphs. I'm not sure where the sexual connection came between your characters, nearly freezing to death isn't typically arousing. There's also that they knew each other for all of maybe 15 minutes (not couting time unconcious) before this happens.
A
AsylumSeeker
Guest
Dude, leave 4g ALONE!
Besides, OU will leave McCoy licking his chops soon enough!
Dude, go away if you're not here to participate in our on-line community. Im sorry you're from Texas!
elfin_odalisque
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 3, 2004
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Well said - though it took me a while to work out what 'OP' meant. Older Person, Ornery Pervert, Obama president?
Please, Schwenn, 4glory6 and AsylumSeeker, don't trash someone else's thread and your stuff is really out of place on a Story Feedback forum. Show some respect.
Brett, I agree totally with TK's and Fractal's comment.
The opening seemed topsy-turvy. You go into backstory and stay there, the sex of Sam could have been made clear less clunkingly, as TK pointed out.
I go with TK that this is a longer story that you rushed and would be more enjoyable if you explored the scenario and the emotions more.
The writing is good - with a few faults that a strict proofread could pick up - and I was really wanting more all the way through. I was imagining Katrina and Bourbon Street and wondering what did your place smell like, must have been putrid. The dialogue was a tad stitled and you could have used it to describe the fear more.
Overall, I liked your story a lot.
