feedback for my first

[lovage]

Hello Everybody,

I'm new here, and my first story has just been approved. I'd love some feedback. It's my first completed erotic story; and I'm hoping you all enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I'm open to any feedback.

It's called "The Mouth of a Techno Goddess."

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=134908

 

[silky-bi-girl]

Great story Lovage. I loved your description of her fishnest stockings and the gentle sway of her hips. A hot little story. Hope you write more.
Would love your feedback

 

[Spurious Scribe]

Okay, read your story and was definitely impressed. You could stand to do just a bit more proofing; there are a few grammatical errors that got missed. But then, like body blimishes, we all have at least one!

What most impressed me is your writing. You did an excellent job of describing the action. I was a bit at loose ends tryng to understand some of the gaming references, but then I'm over twice your age and the age of your characters.

But if you are being truthful about your age and if this is your first piece of erotica, then let me know when you've gotten a bit more experience under your belt. For sure, you're an up and comer!

Nice job on your first story.

 

[lovage]

Thanks for the feedback!

I'm always worried about my grammar. It's so important but I always manage to let a few slip by.

And I'll be sure to leave the language more readily understandable by everyone.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

That was a wonderful little story. You really have a natural talent, with none of the stiffness and awkwardness you’d expect in a first effort. The story flowed beautifully; the characters were skillfully drawn with just a few strokes (a sure sign of talent in my book), the actions were believable, the dialogue natural, and you managed to weave your descriptions into the fabric of the story without stopping the action for the usual “She was 5’4” with long black hair…” type of thing you see so often in new writers.

What impressed me most was the originality of the language and imagery. I don’t think I saw a single cliché in here. Everything was bright and fresh.

That was also a very clever opening: plopping us right down in the middle of the game. Skimming it, the second thing I read was about him blowing her up and killing her a few more times, and I knew I had to read what the hell was going on. Very grabby without being gimmicky. Good writer's instincts.

My only suggestions would be that you show us a bit more of how she’s feeling about what she’s doing, but that's just my own taste showing through. I wouldn’t do this by direct telling, but by describing her own reactions to what she's doing. The story begs the question of just why she’s doing this for him—what does this mean to their relationship; what’s she getting out of it—and that could have been shown by describing the way she acted while doing this for him.

Oh, and you’ve got a character saying “1:30” when it should be “One thirty.”

But this is an extrremely impressive debut. I know people who’ve been posting stories here for years who don’t have a tenth of your originality and command. I look forward to seeing more. Lit really needs more of this kind of stuff.

---dr.M.

 

[lovage]

Wow! Thank you so much!

Those are excellent points. I'm glad you pointed out the "1:30" slip-up; I think I'm least confident with my grammar and those kind of details.

I think I know what you mean about her showing more of her feelings towards him. I have a fuller idea of her now that I've finished the story. I'm tempted to send in a revised version. But either way, these'll help with my future stories. Thanks again for the feedback!

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Beautifully fresh and original, I have to agree. You capture the reality of the people and their situation just right, and all the language is clear, original, and compelling. Keep going.