Feedback for my first story

[The Duchess Diara]

I've mainly been an avid reader, but recently I decided to try my hand at writing erotic fiction. I'd really love to get some feedback on my first story, "One Stormy Night". Please let me know what you think.

Click here to read "One Stormy Night"

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Lord help me but I love women who have rape fantasies! Really, I know that rape is a terrible and heinous and inexcusable crime, but the idea of a woman getting off on a raoe fantasy just makes me extremely hot!

So I guess you could say I was prejudiced. I thought it was a good story--very good for a first attempt--with nice atmosphere and setting. I think it needs work in two areas: emotional tone and concrete detail.

The emotional tone of the piece is pretty much the same throughout: kind of flat and detached. It's the same when she's telling us where she lives as it is when she describes herself having an orgasm. There are writerly tricks you develop to convey excitement: shorter or maybe run-on sentences, a chance in sentence rhythm, more adjectives, exclamations, things like that. There wasn't much of that here.

That ties in with my second point: the lack of concrete detail. Little things can really bring a scene to life. You give us some--like the way her blouse clings to her from the rain--but I would have liked to have seen more during the sex: things like the creaking of the bed, the sound of his breathing, things like that that fgive us a vivid mental picture of what's going on. Telling your readers that something felt good or that you were really excited isn't half as good as letting them hear you moaning and gasping in pleasure or.

I also would have thought she would have been more confused and conflicted about her own reactions. Maybe she was, but if so, it doesn't come across to me.

I have to say too, that while I can appreciate the eroticism of a rape fantasy, I didn't like her getting hit. It really cooled off the erotic heat for me. I never like to see a woman get hit, even in fantasy. Especially in fantasy.

---dr.M.

 

[The Duchess Diara]

Thanks for the tips! I can definitely agree with you after re-reading my story. Some more description would definitely improve things!
I'll keep your suggestions in mind for my next story....