Whispersecret
Clandestine Sex-pressionist
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2000
- Posts
- 3,089
Perky was (rightfully) upset that we hijacked her thread, so I'm posting my feedback for Mayi here.
I sincerely hope that after this feedback from me and from Redwave and whoever else responds to you, that you return the favor.
Wonderful Man
by Mayi
When I look at him
What do I see?
I see a wonderful man
Looking back at me.
When I look at him
What do I see?
I see his smile
Sending warmth through me.
When I look at him
What do I see?
I see his passionate gaze
Following me.
When I look at him
What do I see?
I see his dark brown eyes
Seeking the thoughts within me.
When I look at him
What do I see?
I see the only man
I want to be with me.
When I look at him
What do I see?
I see the passion
That he has for me.
When I look at him
What do I see?
I see my lover
Looking back at me.
Now, maybe it's just me. I'm a teacher and the mother of two kids under the age of 9, so I'm very familiar with children's books. Anyone else ever read BIll Martin Jr. and Eric Carle's Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See and Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do You Hear?
The text goes like this, "Brown bear, brown bear, what do you hear? I see a pink flamingo looking at me. Pink flamingo, pink flamingo, what do you see? I see a yellow lion looking at me." It's a book with the type of repeated text that is appealing to young children, because the repetition helps them to predict what's coming up, and the rhythm is infectious.
I'm probably the only one who got this sing-song feeling from this poem, so I'll stop harping on it.
I read all of your poems, Mayi. You like to repeat words and lines in a way that I'm not sure adds a lot stylewise. In this poem, it seems like fluff. Perhaps you'd have been better off making the title, "What Do I See?" and then cutting all the lines that say, "When I look at him / What do I see?" and focusing on what you see.
The other suggestion I would make is that you choose your words with more care. For example, you talk about his "dark brown eyes." This doesn't tell me much about his eyes really. Take a few minutes to brainstorm some qualities about his eyes that you like. Their depth, their changability, the way they glitter in the dark...anything! Deep? How about a hole in the earth into which you could fall or be planted? Changeable? Maybe you see his emotions and thoughts flash in his eyes like channels on the TV. Are you getting my drift? Make your reader see more than "dark brown."
Go through the whole thing and be more specific. You're pretty vague throughout this poem and as a result it falls a little flat for me. You have to remember that I'm not your lover. Your lover, if you wrote this for him, is in love with you, so everything you write will be read through love-colored glasses. You and your lover have that connection already and he will be eager and willing to read between the lines to see what you meant. Everyone else won't be so forgiving. You'll have to work harder to get your message across to us.
I sincerely hope that after this feedback from me and from Redwave and whoever else responds to you, that you return the favor.
Wonderful Man
by Mayi
When I look at him
What do I see?
I see a wonderful man
Looking back at me.
When I look at him
What do I see?
I see his smile
Sending warmth through me.
When I look at him
What do I see?
I see his passionate gaze
Following me.
When I look at him
What do I see?
I see his dark brown eyes
Seeking the thoughts within me.
When I look at him
What do I see?
I see the only man
I want to be with me.
When I look at him
What do I see?
I see the passion
That he has for me.
When I look at him
What do I see?
I see my lover
Looking back at me.
Now, maybe it's just me. I'm a teacher and the mother of two kids under the age of 9, so I'm very familiar with children's books. Anyone else ever read BIll Martin Jr. and Eric Carle's Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See and Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do You Hear?
The text goes like this, "Brown bear, brown bear, what do you hear? I see a pink flamingo looking at me. Pink flamingo, pink flamingo, what do you see? I see a yellow lion looking at me." It's a book with the type of repeated text that is appealing to young children, because the repetition helps them to predict what's coming up, and the rhythm is infectious.
I'm probably the only one who got this sing-song feeling from this poem, so I'll stop harping on it.
I read all of your poems, Mayi. You like to repeat words and lines in a way that I'm not sure adds a lot stylewise. In this poem, it seems like fluff. Perhaps you'd have been better off making the title, "What Do I See?" and then cutting all the lines that say, "When I look at him / What do I see?" and focusing on what you see.
The other suggestion I would make is that you choose your words with more care. For example, you talk about his "dark brown eyes." This doesn't tell me much about his eyes really. Take a few minutes to brainstorm some qualities about his eyes that you like. Their depth, their changability, the way they glitter in the dark...anything! Deep? How about a hole in the earth into which you could fall or be planted? Changeable? Maybe you see his emotions and thoughts flash in his eyes like channels on the TV. Are you getting my drift? Make your reader see more than "dark brown."
Go through the whole thing and be more specific. You're pretty vague throughout this poem and as a result it falls a little flat for me. You have to remember that I'm not your lover. Your lover, if you wrote this for him, is in love with you, so everything you write will be read through love-colored glasses. You and your lover have that connection already and he will be eager and willing to read between the lines to see what you meant. Everyone else won't be so forgiving. You'll have to work harder to get your message across to us.