Feedback for first story

[OldnotDead]

Hello. My first story was posted almost twelve days ago, so it is no longer in the 'New' lists. You'll have to find it via my nic, the name (Ready to Take This Chance) or the link below. I did have some editing help from some friends that were supportive, but the errors are mine.

I'm working on additional chapters, so will be looking at your thoughts as I add to the adventure.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=***77

Thanks, in advance,

Edited to repost link

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

The story idea is great. There are a few too long sentences, and a few typo's, but other than that it's good. Here's the link as i know most people hate to look for them. Keep writing.
Wicked


oldnotdead's

Ready To Take This Chance

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

OldnotDead,

For some reason links to your post do not work. I have no idea if it makes any difference, but the id number ***77 shows up as ***77. You might send Laural a note about the problem.

Not having a link is a shame, because, IMHO, you've done a first-rate job. I agree with Wicked-n-Erotic that there are some typos and a few sentences are too long. There are also some slightly confusing passages and the beginning is a tad slow. BUT, the story pulled a 5 vote from me, and that's rare.

My main complaints include having no idea about the time period (he took off his coat (sports, suit, over?) when they got to the bedroom but it must have been late summer because he'd mentioned possibly going to the beach). There's also no mention of the couple's age or looks, except that she had great eyes and a nice ass. One thing you might do to, at least partially, solve this problem and "hook" Lit readers, is give a more detailed discription of her in the opening scene.

Hope some of this helps, and keep writing.

Rumple Foreskin

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=***77

 

[PaulX35]

A few comments

Hi Oldnotdead,

Great story, written with real well-reading speed and lightness. It left me with the feeling that I didn't want it to be finsihed, which is usually a good sign
My compliments, and maybe you'd want to work it out towards an ending that allows us to be in that room for a bit longer?

...They had the elevator to themselves and she turned to him (Had she unbuttoned her coat, or was it his imagination? Who cared) He...

Maybe it's allowed, but I hate the use of brackets. If you add in a few hard returns, you can do without them here, I think. That allows the reader to switch perspective as well, and get the idea of a thought being added in before the story moves on.

Detailwise, I also stumbled over a few very small things, that only went noticed because I love food & wine.
But you mention culinary details, so you get feedback on them

...St. Emillion. He had been staying away from the big reds for too long, drinking light, but it was just the right touch with the Chateubriand...

This hearty Bordeaux is spelled "St. Emilion" (so one "l" only).
In a story, I would say "Saint Emilion" too.
And a good St. Emilion should not be a "big red" but rather an elegant yet full bodied one, but that's nitpicking from a wino .

The famous dish is spelled "Châteaubriand"

"Maitre 'd "
I'm familiar with this very American expression, though it's not used anywhere else in this specific, abbreviated form as far as I know.
Since it's originally French, correct spelling would be "Maître d' ", so with accent circonflex. Also note the apostrophe after the "d".

Thanks for a great story; keep writing

Paul

 

[OldnotDead]

Good evening,

Wicked, Rumple and Paul, thank you for taking the time to not only read, but comment as well. Your collective support encourages me to finish Chapter 2 if I could only get real life to move out of the way for a few moments <G>.

Paul, your editorial corrections show an appreciation for wine and food that make me know we would enjoy some of the same restaurants.

I tried to repost the link. It failed again. I will contact Laurel

Thank you, again

Ond