Feedback for first ever story...

[catrinaclarke]

Hi,

Long time reader, first time poster. Would love your feedback on this story:

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-property-manager

 

[AlinaX]

A brief note to say: When tagging dialogue, don’t separate dialogue from tag with a period.

Okay:
“What the hell,” she said.
Okay, if awkward:
“What the hell!” she said.
“What the hell?” she said.
Not okay:
“What the hell.” she said.

 

[catrinaclarke]

Thanks for the feedback! I will start using this from now on.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Warning: my personal tastes may not be everyone's.

To me, the beginning part is too long. Ask yourself this: if you started the story at the line, "Claudia could feel his eyes coveting her ..." would anything be lost for the reader? Does the reader need that section of background and scene-setting?

In several stories, I've written two or three pages of setup and then, after writing what becomes the actual story, just deleted it because it turns out not to be important to anyone but me as the writer.

There's also the concept of a "hook". Ideally, your first paragraph should capture the reader's attention and make them want to read more.

--Annie