Feedback for first ever story...

[catrinaclarke]

Hi,

Long time reader, first time poster. Would love your feedback on this story:

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-property-manager

 

[AlinaX]

A brief note to say: When tagging dialogue, don’t separate dialogue from tag with a period.

Okay:
“What the hell,” she said.
Okay, if awkward:
“What the hell!” she said.
“What the hell?” she said.
Not okay:
“What the hell.” she said.

 

[catrinaclarke]

Thanks for the feedback! I will start using this from now on.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Warning: my personal tastes may not be everyone's.

To me, the beginning part is too long. Ask yourself this: if you started the story at the line, "Claudia could feel his eyes coveting her ..." would anything be lost for the reader? Does the reader need that section of background and scene-setting?

In several stories, I've written two or three pages of setup and then, after writing what becomes the actual story, just deleted it because it turns out not to be important to anyone but me as the writer.

There's also the concept of a "hook". Ideally, your first paragraph should capture the reader's attention and make them want to read more.

--Annie

 

[dirk2024]

Warning: my personal tastes may not be everyone's.

To me, the beginning part is too long. Ask yourself this: if you started the story at the line, "Claudia could feel his eyes coveting her ..." would anything be lost for the reader? Does the reader need that section of background and scene-setting?

In several stories, I've written two or three pages of setup and then, after writing what becomes the actual story, just deleted it because it turns out not to be important to anyone but me as the writer.

There's also the concept of a "hook". Ideally, your first paragraph should capture the reader's attention and make them want to read more.

--Annie

I haven't read this story yet, but I've been told by another author here that scene setting was important.

 

[catrinaclarke]

Warning: my personal tastes may not be everyone's.

To me, the beginning part is too long. Ask yourself this: if you started the story at the line, "Claudia could feel his eyes coveting her ..." would anything be lost for the reader? Does the reader need that section of background and scene-setting?

In several stories, I've written two or three pages of setup and then, after writing what becomes the actual story, just deleted it because it turns out not to be important to anyone but me as the writer.

There's also the concept of a "hook". Ideally, your first paragraph should capture the reader's attention and make them want to read more.

--Annie

Hey, thanks for reading my story! I was worried the set-up was too long. I suppose its a bit of a balancing act. I want the characters to feel real, which is why the backstory is so elaborate. I will take what you're saying and try to make the intros shorter in the future.

 

[catrinaclarke]

I haven't read this story yet, but I've been told by another author here that scene setting was important.

Yeah, I definitely think scene setting is important. I guess its a matter of taste for how elaborate the scene setting is. You should read my story and tell me what you think. haha.

 

[AlinaX]

Hey, thanks for reading my story! I was worried the set-up was too long. I suppose its a bit of a balancing act. I want the characters to feel real, which is why the backstory is so elaborate. I will take what you're saying and try to make the intros shorter in the future.

It's good to dive into some action and weave in the backstory as needed.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

What @AlinaX said. I think, oh, Tom Sawyer feels real. His story starts with dialogue, no background.

“Tom!”

No answer.

“TOM!”

No answer.

“What’s gone with that boy, I wonder? You TOM!”

No answer.

The old lady pulled her spectacles down and looked over them about the
room ...

Establishes character and setting with story, not with explanatory text.

Now, other great writers (Jane Austen, Charles Dickens) do like the "insert setting here" style. Like I said, my own taste. I do feel that for a short story you can't spend as much time on that sort of material as you can in Persuasion or A Tale of Two Cities.

--Annie

 

[darwin1859]

I thought the story was very well written aside from the punctuation issue @AlinaX raised. You write likable and interesting characters and your sex scene was arousing. Your style is narration-heavy, which I don't think is bad. If you'd started out part-way through Chapter 2, I would have missed some of the intro and the back and forth between Jeremy and Claudia. I did think you could omit a few lines. Chapter 1 could end with "Shall we go in?" We don't need to hear about the keys.

Some of the very specific choices seemed odd to my American ear. In the UK, do electricians go around in singlet's? Like a wrestler? How would she even know it's a singlet if he's wearing pants? Is "awning" the way you'd describe a sheltered entrance in the UK? In the US, houses have fixed porches and awnings refer "a sheet of canvas or other material stretched on a frame and used to keep the sun or rain off a storefront, window, doorway, or deck."

Also not sure why you felt like you needed to create chapters. They're very, very short.

I wasn't sure if you were setting up a series. He does have two buddies...

 

[Gamblnluck]

I haven't read this story yet, but I've been told by another author here that scene setting was important.

Often scene setting goes way too far. Too many authors give the MC's full resume then a description of the night, the furniture etc. You can incorporate some of those things into the telling of the story as you go. With one of my stories, I jumped immediately into a dialog between my MC and a cop. The story unfolded from that conversation. (My Fragile Male Ego).