Feedback for feedback

[Star of Penumbra]

You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.

The following link will take you to the first story I submitted here. I asked for feedback on it a little while ago and got responses from an overwhelming 2 people!

So here's the deal: You post a link to a story you want feedback on, and I'll give it to you. in return you give me feedback on mine.

Mine is a rather long and twisted story. I do so sincerely hope you enjoy it.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=49497

 

[JerseyBoy]

Don't be discouraged..

...you'll get your readers.

I'll admit I'm not into a tribal epic of mousemen, especially 5 pages. That shouldn't discourage a reader but perhaps breaking it up into shorter 'chapters'...I know it wounds wimpy to say I don't want to read 5 pages...but I enjoy a quick one or two page read

but anyways, there should be many here that will indulge you...

good luck.

-Ws

 

[damppanties]

Star of Penumbra says:
You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.

Here's my back.

I think I qualified for your return feedback as I already gave feedback for your story on the first thread. I have a thread on in here 'Request for feedback - new writer' in which you can give feedback. The link to my story is:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...ry.php?id=48116

Waiting for some good results,
-DP.

 

[Star of Penumbra]

damppanties' story

Sex for the sake of sex has never been particularly erotic to me. I have to feel that the characters emotional involvement goes beyond simply lust.

That said, it's quite well written. I only have two small problems with it. The characters (the human ones, that is) just sort of seemed to jump into it, which I happen to find a bit unrealistic (possibly because it's never happened to me). But, since you've read my story, you know I have no maneuverability when it comes to talking about realism, so maybe it's just me.

The other problem has to do with this passage

Quote:
I lay my head back and felt him start to nuzzle my clit with his nose. He pressed his mouth to my wet cunt and licked the juices flowing out. I had my hands on my breasts; pressing, tugging, squeezing. Then he pulled me onto the floor, on top of the rough carpet and entered me in a rush.

The change in positions seems rather abrupt. I've never had wild, passionate, hot sweaty jungle-sex like the characters in your story, but I still find a minor suspension in belief necessary when I read that passage.

Other than those two sudden changes, it is very well written. Keep up the good work.

BTW, I gave it a 5 (that's not biased; I really think it deserves it).

 

[damppanties]

Thanks!!

Thanks Star of Penumbra. My next story is going to be submitted in the Romance category. Hope you'll enjoy that one. No sex just for the sake of it there.

The change in positions thingie was really valid. Thanks. I'll keep that in mind next time I'm writing.

-DP.

P.S: Loved the 5!

 

[Star of Penumbra]

I'm looking forward to the next one DP.