Feedback for Fall of Troy

[alrem]

My first story has been accepted!

Fall of Troy

Thanks for all the comments submitted on the stories and I hope there will be more to come. As of now I'm writing the continuation of this and will use all of your feedbacks for enhancements

Special thanks to TheCaptain for giving a big help in my writings.

I know I need to improve the way I write and I badly needed an editor but unfortunately after more than 4 days of seeking from volunteers I didn't find anyone. It seems everyone is busy this days
he he
When I finished part 2 I'll try my best to hunt for an editor and not to be impatient again submitting my stories unedited.

 

[Hotcappucino]

I only had time to read a few paragraphs, but right off the bat, one thing sticks out, and that is there are a lot of inconsistencies between past & present tense. The story starts out in past tense, but there are many passages in present tense. Since this is a "historical" story, I would suggest sticking to past tense throughout:

Cassandra looks at her with tears in her eyes.
should be
Cassandra looked at her with tears in her eyes.

Cassandra said as she looks towards Nelia's face.
should be
Cassandra said as she looked towards Nelia's face.

As their chariot reaches the camp, Agamemnon lifted Cassandra again on his arm while Nelia trails on their back with another Greek soldier that's guarding her.
should be
As their chariot reached camp, Agamemnon lifted Cassandra again on his arm while Nelia trailed on their back with another Greek soldier that was guarding her.

The story has a lot of promise, and I commend you for undertaking the task of turning a historical event into an erotic tale.

 

[TheCaptain]

An editor seems necessary.

Yes I agree with Hotcappicino completely on the past/present tense aspect.

The premise of the story had me interested from the outset so I was more than willing to send alrem to some interesting websites on the Trojan War, and provide a little bit of help here and there when I could, but I'm a writer and not an editor so I didn't really think I could help out.

Now though I think I probably should so I'm willing to edit future chapters, have already PM'ed alrem with the offer. An editor, a bit more experience at erotica writing and enough historical accuracy to keep people immersed in the timeframe/events, and this will get much better.

Capt

 

[alrem]

Thanks Hotcappucino for your wonderful advise. You've given me a good guideline to just use past tenses through out.


Captain...
I'm very glad that you're extending your arms again to help me. Thanks!

I'm working on the second part but still on the draft stage as of this time. All of your suggestions and feedbacks can really help

 

[TheCaptain]

Captain...
I'm very glad that you're extending your arms again to help me. Thanks!

I'm working on the second part but still on the draft stage as of this time. All of your suggestions and feedbacks can really help

Well yes I'm willing to help you as best I can with keeping the story in tenses, and trying to improve on the events unfolding - just pass along the draft to my email address, if you'd like, and I'll see about making some helpful changes and sending back an edited copy with a brief report

The tenses, of course, are the most glaring issue, as stated by Hotcap in the above post... but that can be rectified with caution and practice

Capt