Feedback for Christie and Cindy's Intro (both parts)

[TeroWright]

So I'm doing a series based around these two girls, however, their first story (and also the second, which is in a different post) is told from the 1st person perspective of the guy they meet.

So far I only have the one comment from someone who has followed me from another site, and while it is positive, I'm hoping to get more eyes on the material and find out if I'm really telling a good 1st person story or not. I'm not too concerned about the score (even though it's doing pretty well at the moment, but I know that can change).

Just as a heads up, the fetish theme is foot and trample, and it's purposely set in a more realistic setting - no mistresses or slaves.


https://www.literotica.com/s/christie-and-cindy-01-intro-pt-01

https://www.literotica.com/s/christie-and-cindy-01-intro-pt-02


I am also a novice writer, so I know the word choice is amateur, however, it does improve a little in later stories. This was also written as a test to see how well I could maintain a certain type of story (i.e. 1st person, 3rd person, transcript, etc.).

Thanks in advance.

 

[yukonnights]

I just read part one. In general, I think you did pretty good in regard to the first person pov. However, you did shift from present to past tense a time or two.

*You wrote; "Hey," I say getting her attention as she walks towards my general direction, "keep going!" handing her my bills.

While this is understandable, is it necessary to break the actual dialogue with the narrative in between? "Hey, keep going!" My shout grabs her attention and I hand her my bills.

*Just a tip; It's a bit easier to keep track of the characters if the names start with a different letter. You have Christie and Cindy. You also prefer to omit as many dialogue references as possible (so do I). Maybe next time it's Cindy and Jasmine

* You wrote; "You here by yourself?" Cindy says. This should be; Cindy asks.

* You wrote; "it's a shame you're leaving, otherwise you'd be welcome to join us." Note 'it' is not capitalized.

I won't belabor every little nit-pick. I think you don't need to worry about your ability to spin a good story. I was interested and engaged with your characters. Probably the best advice I can offer is to find a "friend" who can beta-read/proof-read your stories before publication. It's hard for any of us to catch our own typos since our mind reads what we thought we wrote. ~ Hope this is of some help.

 

[LesDesirable]

The typos and punctuation problems are not bad enough to make any story unreadable.

The slipping into past tense at times, weakens the story, although If it was told entirely in past, it might be stronger.

The dialogue jumps between the stilted and current. Not bad, but distracting. Choose a style for their speech and stay with it. Each character can have their own style, perhaps the girls similar to each other, the other characters in their own voice.

One last thing, this is a fetish story, and your protagonist is apparently living the dream. Two (and later more) girls, both out of his league, sharing his fetish, but he goes through the whole episode, and more in the rest of your stories, without becoming aroused in most of it. The first person telling, gives you the ability to lay out his thoughts in excruciating detail, to describe the sexual tension, his arousal, his fears, his pain, and everything else, but you do not exploit that strength of first person, giving us your protagonist at a level of detail only available from inside his thoughts. No sex or release is required, but the same effect should be obvious through the act of the trample, if indeed he is a true connoisseur.

I read the two intros, the party series, and 2,6,8,9,10 of the sequel series. I did not read your interview portions.

 

[TeroWright]

Yukonnights -
I broke the dialog in that manner as to emphasize the pause in time it took for Cindy to walk towards him.

The issue with the names became apparent to me after getting into the Party stories. The Party introduces Amber and Ariel - both start with 'A' but they sound different enough to work out in my mind. This is further worked out in future stories, but none are or will be omitted.

I tried reading up about words like 'says' and 'asks', and thought 'asks' would be redundant since the dialog ends with a '?'. I used 'Cindy says' to make it clear who is saying what after a non-verbal expression from Christie, otherwise it would've been left out.

I wrote; "it's a shame you're not leaving..." You mention that "it" is not capitalized - should it have been? I noted that myself but left it as it is because it wasn't the start of a paragraph, nor did it follow a period in the middle of a paragraph. A small thing I can keep an eye on in the future if it should be capitalized.


LesDesirable -
The dialog was meant to mimic the way people actually talk to each other.* I know writing it out has its own 'rules', but when I wrote out scenes with that in mind, they didn't feel right to me.
*I know not everyone talks the way these characters do - I think of it as the way they talk in the part of the world they're in, their accent if you will.

This is my first time writing 1st person, so I'm not aware of what all the pros are of using it, such as going into detail with the protagonist's thoughts. For the time being, I would have to say that I may have been tight on the thoughts because I didn't want to bog readers down too long in one moment.

I'll be interested to hear your thoughts on the the Party story and Christie's Homeless Friend (at least the parts that you read) when I start a feedback thread for them.


To Both of you -
I'm not sure I understand the remarks about the tense shifts. I know at the beginning, Brian is recalling moments leading up to the moment he acknowledges Cindy, so it intentionally shifts to present tense when he says "Hey." Without specific bits pointed out, all I can say is the research I did regarding subtle tense shifts said they were ok as long as they didn't mess with time too much, which they don't.