Feedback for bw/wm interracial peice

[Midnight_Flux]

Hello everyone

I am looking for a bit of feedback regarding a sequel I wrote to an interracial story (bw/wm) set in the 1970's, involving a biker and disco-chick. For my first part of my story, I have received some useful feedback from readers of that story, and tried to apply it to the sequel.

Thus far, the feedback I have received has been positive- but the voting tells another story-it seems people either love it or hate it. I suspect I am a bit of a troll magnet (from some choice email feedback from my last story, I know there are bridge-dwellers out there who wish myself and my keyboard would self-combust, lol.) However, I also think that this is an opportunity for me to improve how I write, so that readers who like this series will enjoy what follows-I am a total writing amateur, and I know this, so advise and pointers from other writers will be taken on board.


Ain't Budging chapter 2

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=435144

Any criticism anyone, or general feedback? I will definitely appreciate it (unless you happen to resemble an overgrown booger/bogey and like to hoard gold treasures...)

Cheers,


Mflux x

 

[amber03]

Hi Mflux

I took the opportunity to read this, and I've left a comment and my vote.
Fantastic read, you have an excellent writing style and a natural talent. Please keep writing and continue to submit your stories here, you have a new fan!

Amber
x

 

[Midnight_Flux]

Hi Amber,

Thank you for your response, and must say the appreciation is mutual- I had a gander at the first chapter of your story and very much enjoyed it-it is quite sexy. You have a way with the words

I did have a worry that the sex scene I wrote was a bit long- but this was more because I very much enjoyed writing it. In fact, I had originally imagined the second chapter as not containing sex but focusing on plot development.

Cheers,

MFlux

 

[amber03]

You're very sweet to say, thank you. I'm actually in the process of changing it - again! LOL
I have made contact with a publisher who may, just may, be interested in publishing in the full story but says it needs a faster paced beginning which I totally agree with.

Your plot development is good, the story flows well and the sex is really very hot! But, then again, S&M / BDSM, or stories with those tangents are my favourite reads, and you my friend are a very talented writer. I can't wait for your next adventure!

Please do send me a PM when you've written more. Can you add an author to favourites? I don't know if it's possible, but it would save me finding you again.

A
x

 

[amber03]

Oh, I've just checked my submissions and Ch.03 has now been approved too!
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=435710&page=1

Thanks so much for your feedback!

A
x

 

[Midnight_Flux]

Hi Amber,

Thanks for giving me a heads up on the new chapter for your series I'll definitely let you know when I have written the next chapter (and final) chapter. My next story (not part of the series) will be a one-off sci-fi, which, it is quite likely, might not be everyone's cup of tea. It was just one of those stories I felt compelled to write. It will however, soon be followed by the third chapter of Ain't Budging.

As well as an obvious enjoyment of interracial fiction, I also have a preference for bdsm and s&m erotica, so I certainly found reading your work very enjoyable- you seem to know what buttons to press for lovers of the genre. Keep up the good work, and fingers crossed with the potential publisher

 

[driphoney]

I really enjoyed part two. Will move on to part one as soon as I'm done here! Once or twice it felt as if i were reading a Brit writing an American story (the words 'round' and 'whilst',) and once I was snapped to modern lingo folks didn't say back then ('whatever Rhett'.)

Man, that's so decidedly unfair of me for such a great story. I love your characters. I would love to write a rough and tumble man like you've created. I tried it, didn't come close to pulling off what you make look so effortless. You did a great truly great job.

Do, please, please keep writing! (I sound like the average Lit reader! Oh, wait! I am!)

Now off to read chapter 1 with its, no doubt, well-deserved green E!

(I hope I don't resemble a bogey man!)

 

[penandpaper]

You have some great dialogue in your story. I enjoyed how it shifted from playful to sexy to serious to soul searching. (Not in that order, of course.) I also enjoyed the character development. Emotionally they grew and they seemed real.

As for some constructive criticism:

"Her breathing had become shallower in excitement."
"It was a little ghostly."
"Rhett appeared to be in good humor, not genuinely mad, which made Theresa feel relaxed."

These three lines break a few rules. When writing, do not overstate. If her breathing became shallow, that implies excitemnt. If the scene is set up correctly, and it is with them in the shower, then you don't need to add the excitement part. Same thing with ghostly. Something is either ghostly or it's not ghostly. It is never "a little" ghostly. Then the last line breaks the commandment "show, don't tell." Have his actions and her actions show how they feel, don't tell the reader. You do a descent job of this when using dialogue, but not nearly enough body language/facial expressions to show the emotions.

"Theresa uttered mischievously"
"They kissed passionately"

These next two use adverbs. Don't. If the character says something and the reader can't understand how she feels then the scene is not set right or the dialogue is not worded correctly.

Thirdly, use pronouns. I suggest you go back and re-read your first five paragraphs. When there are only two characters in a scene, you do not need to constantly say their name. It sounds a bit like Rhett did this, then Rhett did that, then Teresa did this, and then Teresa did that. He/she will suffice.

Lastly, I would focus on describing the body of your characters a little more. Perhaps, the contrast of their skin, her nipples, the small of her waist, etc. Take time to explore the body.

Overall, I think you did a good job. I enjoyed the ending thoroughly, and look forward to the sequel. Keep on writing.

 

[Midnight_Flux]

Thanks Driphoney

I definitely appreciate your feedback, and very kind words. And unless *eyeballing av* that's what giant bogey's get up to in the midnight hour-one of those you certainly don't resemble.

You're right about the Britishisms, I am British- I started writing this series when I began to muse firstly on the crappy weather, wishing I was somewhere with a touch more sun (it had been raining by that point for days on end) whilst dually wondering what physical embodiments of my two favourite music genres (hard rock & disco/r'n'b) would do if they were people who had bumped into one another in the biblical sense

I decided to set it somewhere sunny, and got jotting.

With the exception of the final story in this series, and the three spin-off stories, my other stories are unlikely to be based in the US - I just couldn't imagine basing this anywhere else.

I mean, imagine....

"Theresa was hitchhiking by the M25, it began to rain, soaked and in need of a cup of tea she sought the refuge of a greasy spoon cafe, and tucked into an egg muffin..."

I just don't know how I would have woven a fruity story out of that.

 

[Midnight_Flux]

Thanks for your feedback PenandPaper, it is good stuff

I am never quite sure what to do with body descriptions- too little and a degree of eroticism is lost, too long and it threatens to send the readers (and writer) into a snooze. I actually heavily edited that shower scene before sending it to the editor because I thought I had added too much description, and I was intent on trying to whittle down the sex scene so that it wasn't overly long. I'll try and get a better balance with whatever follows.

You're right, her 'breathing became shallower' is more effective than 'her breathing became shallower in excitement', so I will definitely look out for overstatements in future.

So thanks for your suggestions. I will reread the story (particularly few paragraphs) and try and apply it in future.

Thank you :-D


MFlux

 

[driphoney]

Thanks Driphoney
I mean, imagine....

"Theresa was hitchhiking by the M25, it began to rain, soaked and in need of a cup of tea she sought the refuge of a greasy spoon cafe, and tucked into an egg muffin..."

I just don't know how I would have woven a fruity story out of that.

Mmm. I don't know. I'm always up for a sappy British romance. Mills & Boone with a lot more punch and hard core sex.

P.S. I'm always open to new pics for my AV. My current model might be getting tired of hanging out under my name, and like to come down for a while.

 

[Midnight_Flux]

Cheers DripHoney,

You gave me an idea for my next story after I have tidied off the third bit of Ain't Budging.

It will be called "The Worstest Luck", and will be romance story set in London, and partly inspired by an unfortunate run in I had with a pigeon....

x

 

[al1ce5]

Oh, I'm really enjoying this series, despite some of the parts that give me pause (which I included in my comments to part 2). Thanks for writing it; I hope you continue it!