feedback for a sex story with no actual sex

[DarlingNikki]

I submitted a piece that included making out and masturbation but no actual sex. It seems to be doing pretty well in that in the few days since it's been up it's gotten more votes than almost all my other stories and lots of nice feedback.

However the score is not as high as the score of a story of mine which I think is less well written and could stand to be edited for length. I didn't get any feedback from anyone who voted low and explained why. I know votes are erratic and not the greatest indicator of anything, but still.

I'm curious to hear from someone who wasn't so crazy about the story. What made you/would make you vote low? Was it the lack of penetrative sex, or was it the a more typical writing issue that I could work on: style, plot, characterization, flow, sentence variation, description, etc. that's holding it back? Was it because it's not exactly a story, but more of just a description of something that happened? How could I make it better?

The link to the piece (Casual Kissing) is below.

Thanks for any input...

Nikki

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Tease!

No, I'm kidding. Well, only partly.

It's an excellent story in my opinion. Just beautiful. The writing is gorgeous and effortless, the descriptions realistic, dialogue is right on, the kissing sensual and juicy. The problem is, the story's one long tease, and I don't like to be teased. No one likes to be teased. Especially not the horny guys who come to Lit looking for some stroke fodder.

My guess is that the people who read your story are just like David only worse. They know you said it's kissing only, but they figure: sure, right. Kissing only. Un-huh. And then your story gets very hot, and they're getting into it, and then: shit! she's gone! The bitch just left! What is this?

That's called being a prick tease, darling. A literary prick tease, but a prick tease nonetheless.

I'll bet you anything that's why it got voted low.

---dr.M.

P.S. All that other stuff you were worried about, the literary stuff. I wouldn't worry. Your writing in this one was gorgeous. Seriously. The way you handled the backstory, the awkward meeting... Very pro. Forget about the writing. Work on the penetration

 

[*Catbabe*]

Nikki,

"His lips brushed along my cheek by accident, but strayed to my lips on purpose." I love that line.


My only quibble with your story is that for whatever reason, I knew that Nikki was never going to change her mind right from the beginning. No matter how turned on they became, she didn't reach a level of internal conflict that I wondered where the night was going to end. It would have been a stronger story for me if I felt as a reader, that David had a shot at convincing her to have sex or if her own desires could tempt her enough to change her mind.


Cat

 

[DarlingNikki]

Tease!

No, I'm kidding. Well, only partly.

It's an excellent story in my opinion. Just beautiful. The writing is gorgeous and effortless, the descriptions realistic, dialogue is right on, the kissing sensual and juicy. The problem is, the story's one long tease, and I don't like to be teased. No one likes to be teased. Especially not the horny guys who come to Lit looking for some stroke fodder.

My guess is that the people who read your story are just like David only worse. They know you said it's kissing only, but they figure: sure, right. Kissing only. Un-huh. And then your story gets very hot, and they're getting into it, and then: shit! she's gone! The bitch just left! What is this?

That's called being a prick tease, darling. A literary prick tease, but a prick tease nonetheless.

I'll bet you anything that's why it got voted low.

---dr.M.

P.S. All that other stuff you were worried about, the literary stuff. I wouldn't worry. Your writing in this one was gorgeous. Seriously. The way you handled the backstory, the awkward meeting... Very pro. Forget about the writing. Work on the penetration

LOL… it’s not the first time I’ve been called a tease... But if it’s just that, I’ll have to live with the lower score. Although I don’t know that no one likes being teased. I got a few feedbacks from people who specifically mentioned liking that aspect of the story and I know I like to read that myself to a certain extent. But yeah, I know most people don’t feel that way. I guess they are the ones voting the story down. Oh well. I see myself exploring the teasing thing in future stories; I guess I’ll just brace myself.

Thanks for the nice things you said about my writing. It’s very hard for me to evaluate my own work, no matter how many times I read it over. It either sounds horribly choppy or horribly run-on and I have no idea how accurate my evaluation is at any given time. I’ve generally agreed with your critiques of other stories, so it makes me feel hopeful.

Nikki

 

[DarlingNikki]

Nikki,

"His lips brushed along my cheek by accident, but strayed to my lips on purpose." I love that line.


My only quibble with your story is that for whatever reason, I knew that Nikki was never going to change her mind right from the beginning. No matter how turned on they became, she didn't reach a level of internal conflict that I wondered where the night was going to end. It would have been a stronger story for me if I felt as a reader, that David had a shot at convincing her to have sex or if her own desires could tempt her enough to change her mind.


Cat

Thanks, Catbabe. You make a really good point. The problem is I was trying to do with the story the same thing I would do in really life: pound the "no sex" thing into the ground so that the guy/reader doesn't get angry and feel like I promised something I didn't deliver. It's something to think about as I will probably be dealing with this in the future, at least storywise.

Nikki

 

[wishfulthinking]

Tease

Hi, I think tease is good. I have just written a story where there is no sex, but there is a possibility of sex in the future, and have had excellent feedback. I think people hold off on giving a 5 because of this, so don't let it discourage you! S

 

[HapLess Husband]

I've done the same thing a couple of times, leaving the sex for the coming chapters. What I've found out is that if it is not made known to the reader that you plan on following up (i.e., calling it chapter 1 or something like that) the comments may be good but the scores will suffer. (That really should not be a huge concern to us)

I like doing it and will continue to do so. When you're walking a fine line between teasing and tantalizing no telling what the response will be.

If you enjoy doing it and think it adds to your stories, keep it up!

 

[Mind_Games]

First of all, I'd distinguish between what you want to accomplish in the story and what sort of rating it gets.

I liked your premise ... trying to get into the mind of someone wanting to relive the pre-intercourse days. It's a tough subject for this site because going all the way is more or less the common assumption. Thus, the low rating.

But if your goal is to do a study of witholding desire then you're going in a good direction. The writing is fine. The low rating practically means that the story is a success.

That said, you might want to experiment with getting into Nikki's mind and focus less on the mechanics of kissing. Or maybe adjust the balance to get more motive in. The challenge here is to portray an 'on-line' account of what's going on in her mind. You did it a bit, but maybe you need to set up the tension more ... more than allude to highschool dating days or whatever.

Set up in the right way, what she then does in the cab would better finish off and convey the degree of sexual tension which had built up.
Done right, people should not be bothered by knowing she won't go all the way. That's not the point. Presumably, the point is how she feels about not going all the way. Her motive, what she wants to experience, how she is experiencing it.