Feedback for a new story

[Tony155]

I would appreciate any constructive criticism, positive or negative concerning my new story, "Is That Really You?". I am inching towards beginning my first novel and I need all the help I can get to make myself a better writer. Thanks so much for your help.

Here is the link:http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=291684

 

[kbate]

The opening paragraph is weak - hints of a 'telling' about to begin. The story gets better and is more interesting once you started telling it through dialogue and actions of the characters. Had you started it in that manner - instead of going through several paragraphs of passively describing the setting and situation, I would rate it much higher.

Some of your sentences ran on into multiple thoughts and became confusing. Overall, it wasn't a problem, but If I have to read a sentence twice to find the flow, something is wrong.

Good story.

 

[Never]

The opening paragraph is weak - hints of a 'telling' about to begin. The story gets better and is more interesting once you started telling it through dialogue and actions of the characters. Had you started it in that manner - instead of going through several paragraphs of passively describing the setting and situation, I would rate it much higher.

Some of your sentences ran on into multiple thoughts and became confusing. Overall, it wasn't a problem, but If I have to read a sentence twice to find the flow, something is wrong.

Good story.

Listen to this woman. I would write a story just to have kbate edit and criticize it.

 

[Tony155]

The opening paragraph is weak - hints of a 'telling' about to begin. The story gets better and is more interesting once you started telling it through dialogue and actions of the characters. Had you started it in that manner - instead of going through several paragraphs of passively describing the setting and situation, I would rate it much higher.

Some of your sentences ran on into multiple thoughts and became confusing. Overall, it wasn't a problem, but If I have to read a sentence twice to find the flow, something is wrong.

Good story.

Thank you very much for reading it and telling me your thoughts. I will re-read the first few paragraphs and see where I could have improved the beginning. As for the multiple thoughts, I know that has been a weakness in my writing and I'll strive to work on that as well. Thanks again.

Tony

 

[Iggy_Piggy]

I only read about the first half of the first page. While it's far from the worst opening I've ever read, it's on the bland side and might suffer from a little too much information provided too soon and in dry manner.

Debbie shrugged indifference. Sometimes, she liked ...
Do we really want to be inside Debbie's head? A point of view switch like this in the middle of a scene is usually a bad idea. Later, the reader gets into Michelle's head too- which makes a little more sense because she's a major character, but my intuition is that you'd still be better off sticking with Gary.

On the technical front:
"Hi there," she said enthusiastically
"Come on in, Gary," she said sweetly
"Sorry about that," she said apologetically
"Where are you from?" she asked curiously.
He turned to her and looked at her quizzically. He raised his eyebrows...
Adverbs are often weak, but those attributed to expressions or dialogue almost always are. If you can't think any better way to say it, you're probably better off just omitting them.

I really started to lose interest here:
Gary excused himself and found the kitchen without any trouble. The sodas were in four large coolers on the floor and there were plastic cups and ice on one of the tables. Chips, crackers, and other snacks covered the table and paper plates were there too.
Who cares? At this point, I was beginning to believe I'd be inundated with tons and tons of extraneous information.

She was one of those girls who blossomed very early and paid dearly for it with taunts and ridicules from the boys and girls alike.
This is touching, but wouldn't it be so much better if I heard her tell of it? And the rumor about them kissing during lunch hour- so real! How I would love to hear them discuss it- how they felt about it then and how they feel about it now. What they said, whether they smiled or frowned or laughed or cried- this would all tell me so much more about who they are and what they feel for one another.

This is where I quit reading:
She also has(sic) lost weight or whatever baby fat she had four years prior. She looked athletic and toned in her jeans and knit shirt.
I think you've some interesting characters, but I'm not sure the same can be said of their story- is there anything they have to overcome in order to be together? I'm not sensing anything in their way and the resulting lack of tension really saps my interest. If there is some obstacle in their future, I think I need some hint or a little foreshadowing- you know?

So my main suggestions would be:

a. Inject some conflict into the plot. If the characters don't have something to struggle against, it makes for a dull story. A little mystery wouldn't hurt either- telling us at every turn what each character is experiencing makes it pretty easy to guess what will happen next.
b. Cut out the extra or redundant information. I get the impression the author isn't confident the reader will understand everything and resorts to overemphasizing just to be sure.
c. Reveal as much as possible about the characters through their words and deeds instead of telling about their history.
d. Watch out for those adverbs.
e. Try and stick to one character's point of view throughout a given scene.

 

[Tony155]

I only read about the first half of the first page. While it's far from the worst opening I've ever read, it's on the bland side and might suffer from a little too much information provided too soon and in dry manner.

Debbie shrugged indifference. Sometimes, she liked ...
Do we really want to be inside Debbie's head? A point of view switch like this in the middle of a scene is usually a bad idea. Later, the reader gets into Michelle's head too- which makes a little more sense because she's a major character, but my intuition is that you'd still be better off sticking with Gary.

On the technical front:
"Hi there," she said enthusiastically
"Come on in, Gary," she said sweetly
"Sorry about that," she said apologetically
"Where are you from?" she asked curiously.
He turned to her and looked at her quizzically. He raised his eyebrows...
Adverbs are often weak, but those attributed to expressions or dialogue almost always are. If you can't think any better way to say it, you're probably better off just omitting them.

I really started to lose interest here:
Gary excused himself and found the kitchen without any trouble. The sodas were in four large coolers on the floor and there were plastic cups and ice on one of the tables. Chips, crackers, and other snacks covered the table and paper plates were there too.
Who cares? At this point, I was beginning to believe I'd be inundated with tons and tons of extraneous information.

She was one of those girls who blossomed very early and paid dearly for it with taunts and ridicules from the boys and girls alike.
This is touching, but wouldn't it be so much better if I heard her tell of it? And the rumor about them kissing during lunch hour- so real! How I would love to hear them discuss it- how they felt about it then and how they feel about it now. What they said, whether they smiled or frowned or laughed or cried- this would all tell me so much more about who they are and what they feel for one another.

This is where I quit reading:
She also has(sic) lost weight or whatever baby fat she had four years prior. She looked athletic and toned in her jeans and knit shirt.
I think you've some interesting characters, but I'm not sure the same can be said of their story- is there anything they have to overcome in order to be together? I'm not sensing anything in their way and the resulting lack of tension really saps my interest. If there is some obstacle in their future, I think I need some hint or a little foreshadowing- you know?

So my main suggestions would be:

a. Inject some conflict into the plot. If the characters don't have something to struggle against, it makes for a dull story. A little mystery wouldn't hurt either- telling us at every turn what each character is experiencing makes it pretty easy to guess what will happen next.
b. Cut out the extra or redundant information. I get the impression the author isn't confident the reader will understand everything and resorts to overemphasizing just to be sure.
c. Reveal as much as possible about the characters through their words and deeds instead of telling about their history.
d. Watch out for those adverbs.
e. Try and stick to one character's point of view throughout a given scene.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read what you did and for your opinions of my story. I think you make some valid points, although I don't necessarily agree with everything you wrote. But, as always, I'll try to do better next time. Thanks again.

Tony

 

[Luscious_Girl]

My two cents worth

Hi Tony

Your story really didn't grab my interest - I didn't get past page 4. I think the issue for me is that you almost tell us too much and too many details which don't actually help the story flow along. I also found I didn't really care much about the characters - perhaps because the details make me feel a bit detached from them. I think the specifcfeedback which IggyPiggy gives is quite good and matches my thoughts too.

Good luck.

LG

 

[Tony155]

Hi Tony

Your story really didn't grab my interest - I didn't get past page 4. I think the issue for me is that you almost tell us too much and too many details which don't actually help the story flow along. I also found I didn't really care much about the characters - perhaps because the details make me feel a bit detached from them. I think the specifcfeedback which IggyPiggy gives is quite good and matches my thoughts too.

Good luck.

LG

Thanks a lot for your input. It seems like it's getting love/hate comments. You either love it or hate it, but I can live with that. I'll try to do better next time.

Tony

 

[playbook]

The story tells me that you are an inexperienced writer. You just write it in boring way. You have not created any situation. There is not any continuity in the story. It did not convince me to read more.

 

[Tony155]

The story tells me that you are an inexperienced writer. You just write it in boring way. You have not created any situation. There is not any continuity in the story. It did not convince me to read more.

Thank you for expressing your opinion, but why must there be a situation in this story? Why must there be a conflict? Isn't it good enough to have a story where two people love each other? Apparently not, at least in some reader's minds. I have no idea what you mean by it not having continuity. The scenes and the writing flowed together as many other readers have said in their feedback and emails to me. Inexperienced? If you mean I haven't had anything published, you are correct, but I've submitted 25 stories and have received a few awards on this site. Maybe my writing isn't as horrible as you think it is.

Tony

 

[Gaia_Lorraine]

Can anyone help me?
I need access to a Moderator
An injustice has been done and I want it rectified.

 

[Iggy_Piggy]

... Why must there be a conflict? ...

Please understand, I'm not trying to be unduly cruel or pick on you or boost my own ego or anything else of the sort. I was a little more pointed in my earlier criticism than I might otherwise have been because I got the impression that publishing was a short-term goal for you and I don't think you're quite there yet- especially in light of questions like the one above.

But why take my word for it? Seriously, you don't know if I'm your favorite author or the idiot neighbor who can't figure out how to put the flag on the mailbox down- so why not do a bit of research?

Just for starters, you might google these:

"Elements of Fiction" Conflict

"head hopping" perspective

"overuse of adverbs" dialogue

"Showing versus telling"

 

[Iggy_Piggy]

Can anyone help me?
I need access to a Moderator
An injustice has been done and I want it rectified.

This thread is about Tony's story. I'm not a moderator and I don't know what the injustice is, but if it's a story or post that violates the site's rules, I think each story or post has a link at the bottom that can be used to report policy issues to the site administrators. If that doesn't work or the issue is more complicated, perhaps you might start your own thread?

 

[Gaia_Lorraine]

This thread is about Tony's story. I'm not a moderator and I don't know what the injustice is, but if it's a story or post that violates the site's rules, I think each story or post has a link at the bottom that can be used to report policy issues to the site administrators. If that doesn't work or the issue is more complicated, perhaps you might start your own thread?

I guess I'm in the wrong thread
Nice to meet you Iggy_Piggy

 

[Tony155]

Please understand, I'm not trying to be unduly cruel or pick on you or boost my own ego or anything else of the sort. I was a little more pointed in my earlier criticism than I might otherwise have been because I got the impression that publishing was a short-term goal for you and I don't think you're quite there yet- especially in light of questions like the one above.

But why take my word for it? Seriously, you don't know if I'm your favorite author or the idiot neighbor who can't figure out how to put the flag on the mailbox down- so why not do a bit of research?

Just for starters, you might google these:

"Elements of Fiction" Conflict

"head hopping" perspective

"overuse of adverbs" dialogue

"Showing versus telling"

I have no conflict with you whatsoever. You have given me nothing but constructive criticism and I appreciate that. I recognize the mistakes I made, especially with the adverbs, but I don't necessarily agree with everything you say. It's nothing against you. I realize I need to improve my skills as an author before I try to be published, but I still don't think this story was as bad as everyone on this forum seems to believe. Could it have had conflict? Yes, but the natural antagonists would have been her parents and I felt the story was already going to be long enough, so I shortened that part and had it resolved within the family. I know you and others won't agree with me on that, but that's okay. I will check out the items you posted and I do appreciate you taking the time to write.

Sincerely, Tony

 

[Iggy_Piggy]

I have no conflict with you whatsoever. You have given me nothing but constructive criticism and I appreciate that. I recognize the mistakes I made, especially with the adverbs, but I don't necessarily agree with everything you say. It's nothing against you. I realize I need to improve my skills as an author before I try to be published, but I still don't think this story was as bad as everyone on this forum seems to believe.

Good! It's so easy to take things the wrong way, especially written things. If you wish to discuss the areas where we disagree, feel free to point them out.