Feedback, Fantasy Story about a Barbarian and a Princess

[Priscilla_June]

Big part of why I write here is to grow as an author, so I want to consistently ask for feedback as I can.

Recently I wrote a story for the Geek Pride event, The Barbarian: A Princess’ Fantasy. I’d love for any feedback folks have in it! Trying to work on deepening my characters a tad, at least personality wise as to not make them generic.

For those willing to review, this story has themes of rough (but consensual) sex in a fantasy setting.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Okay, so I read a bit of the story,

I knew going into this that I would not enjoy it, (I detest infidelity tales, regardless of gender)
Still, no one else commented on this feedback request, so I figured I'd read a bit for you, since nobody likes being ignored in the forums.

I read the first page. Obviously, it wasn't for me, but I didn't see any glaring errors. As far as I could tell, it was tagged correctly, which is super important. Writing in an older style of English, in a higher language so to speak, can be difficult, but I feel like you managed it pretty well. I was expecting the tales of the barbarian to be exaggerations, (like the Dread Pirate Roberts in "The Princess Bride") but if this was the case, then the twist must have been later in the story.

I didn't rate your story, because I know it wasn't intended for me, but I did think it was decently well written from the relatively small portion I read.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

 

[Priscilla_June]

Okay, so I read a bit of the story,

I knew going into this that I would not enjoy it, (I detest infidelity tales, regardless of gender)
Still, no one else commented on this feedback request, so I figured I'd read a bit for you, since nobody likes being ignored in the forums.

I read the first page. Obviously, it wasn't for me, but I didn't see any glaring errors. As far as I could tell, it was tagged correctly, which is super important. Writing in an older style of English, in a higher language so to speak, can be difficult, but I feel like you managed it pretty well. I was expecting the tales of the barbarian to be exaggerations, (like the Dread Pirate Roberts in "The Princess Bride") but if this was the case, then the twist must have been later in the story.

I didn't rate your story, because I know it wasn't intended for me, but I did think it was decently well written from the relatively small portion I read.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

Thanks for reading as much as you did despite it not being your style of story. glad i did the higher-english well enough, it always worries me that I tread too much into the purple language category.

 

[SeraphNocturne]

I'm pressed for time right now, I've got a few beta-reads ahead of this, but I promise I'll double back to you. I started this (and at least five others) from the Geek Pride list already so hopefully it shouldn't take me too long to review for you!

 

[Priscilla_June]

I'm pressed for time right now, I've got a few beta-reads ahead of this, but I promise I'll double back to you. I started this (and at least five others) from the Geek Pride list already so hopefully it shouldn't take me too long to review for you!

Thank you!!!

 

[joy_of_cooking]

I liked the beginning and the ending.

The beginning because of the style, as others have noted. It felt like the archaic cadences of "once upon a time..." but still had the lurid details. Not just "dark, violent deeds" but "burning whole towns to the ground," "a hooked and rusted seax," "took the virtue of a town's worth of fresh maidens personally," etc.

The ending was a good twist. I'll say no more, in case anyone else here wants to experience it firsthand.

In between, I found myself skimming. Maybe this is a personal thing. I'm not much into the kind of sex you were writing. I wouldn't read too much into this. Take it as "not rated" rather than "didn't like."

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Gaaaahh! @joy_of_cooking made me curious, after mentioning a "twist"

I had to check out the rest of the story, and it was intriguing. I still didn't vote on it, because I can't give 5 stars to a story with a premise that I hate... but I did think the twist was darkly satisfying.

 

[Priscilla_June]

Glad you both were able to take something of enjoyment away from it

 

[ChuckWolf]

Not really my thing, but it was well-written.

 

[Priscilla_June]

Thanks all I appreciate folks taking a look at it despite it not being their style.

Sadly it seems I’ve taken an unforeseen hit in the ratings for this one lol so must not be a lot of people’s style LOL

 

[Priscilla_June]

So legitimate question. Is the type of themes in the story the reason for poorer ratings? Is it because of the exposure of Geek Pride who may not have read it before?

 

[AwkwardlySet]

Judging by the tags only, I would say no. Maledom is far more popular than femdom. The only tag that could be a potential problem is the "infidelity" one. I have no idea what exactly happens in your story, but if there is cheating involved, then yeah, that could be the reason.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

The infidelity angle was the only thing that scared me off initially. Perhaps others avoided it for the same reason? Or rated it poorly for that reason? (That seems very unfair to me; infidelity was listed right in the tags)

Ironically, if it didn't have the infidelity angle I probably would have given it 5 stars, but with the cheating being such a prominent feature, I elected not to vote.

I see no reason to punish you just for selling something that I don't want to buy. Not everyone shares that viewpoint though.

 

[Priscilla_June]

understood. It does seem to track with some of my other stories about infidelity. Just sucks when you are all the way up at 4.6 and suddenly it plummets lol. Purely because I wonder if less people end up reading lower ranked stories.


Thanks for the feedback tho!