Feedback desired

[Belle2]

I wrote this story about a year ago and finally decided to submit it. It has 13 votes and a rating of 4.15, but I have not received any feedback and would love some. Will gladly give feedback for feedback.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=39429



"Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice, it is not a thing to be waited for, but something to be achieved." ~William Jennings Bryan

 

[damppanties]

My comments

Remember, these are just my comments and suggestions:

In the first paragraph you're talking about one person but you use "you" and "him".

"that wonderful morning filled with making love WITH you . A soft gasp escapes my lips. I know that My Master would not be pleased to know that I was thinking of pleasing myself without His permission, but I will pay the price."

Making love WITH you?? Why is the "WITH" in caps?

The line, which is paragraph 3 is unnecessary. It just repeats the thought in the earlier paragraph.

One thing I noticed was that the character has a dialogue going on in her head, talking to herself. It should either be in "quotes" or italics to set it apart from the narrative.

Eg: He sits down and begins flipping through the channels on the TV. I begin to wonder what His plan is for me. Do I stand? Do I sit? What does He want? I wait. He wants me to wonder.

Is the capitalising of 'h' necessary when you mention the male character as him/his? It made me stress that word out aloud while I was reading, which turned out to be quite irritating.

There are some spelling mistakes, words which the spell chacker won't catch (like fell in place of feel). You've used commas a lot.

Finally, JUST AS IT WAS GETTING INTERESTING, IT WAS CUT OFF!! You simply cannot stop a story at a high point and leave the reader dangling.

-DP.

 

[Guest]

I have to laugh at some of your thoughts. I don't mean that in a bad way, so please do not take offense. The WITH being caps was a personal thing for the person the story was written for... just forgot to change it. The "Him"s etc, are always capatalized because in a Dom/sub relationship, referring to the Dom is always in proper form. Like "Him" being a name. I did a lot of research on the subject. As for all the commas, it was either correct according to my most recent English book (I guess I did take that the semester before last...lol) or they were used for effect. Gonna have to check into the dialogue to herself being italicized or in quotes. That was something I did not find one specific rule on while I was writing. This is all quite technical, but please don't feel that I don't appreciate your feedback, cuz I do. I am a writer, hard to not defend my work...lol. This is just the first time I have written this type of work. Just wanted to know if it was good or not. As for leavin you hanging... that was the plan. lol Again, thank you for your feedback. Would be happy to give you some if you'd like. Just let me know a story.

 

[Belle2]

Opps! forgot to log in before replying instead of doig it through my email. Sorry. that was me. lol Was also gonna tell you that I plan to look over everything you said and while I may sound ungrateful, I can always take constructive criticism. My defenses, please excuse... bad habit. Thank you again.

 

[SpaceToast]

Most of what damp said I agree with, but I wished to disagree on one point. Thoughts such as "Do I stand? Do I sit?" etc. are very frequently expressed in paragraph without quotes or italics. It should be noted that this is a first person narrative, essentially a personal oral history, which allows the storyteller to act like a character more than a third person narrative would. Strunk and White caution strongly against being "chatty" -- and rightly so, I think -- but I wouldn't worry too much in this case.

After all, what would "'Repent Harlequin!' said the Ticktock Man" be without its narrator? Cheers-

-M@

 

[SexyChele]

I liked this story - quite a bit! I'm not certain if you are into the BDSM lifestyle or not, but the way you worded the story indicates that you have at least some knowledge of it. That knowledge comes out clearly in the story.

The problem with getting feedback for a BDSM story is that not many people are familiar with the lifestyle or other "dressings" that are common to those who engage in BDSM. I wouldn't sweat the capitiliazion of "Him" because the audience you are writing to will pick it up immediately.

I found the story intriguing and quite erotic, and it was wonderful reading a story of BDSM from some one who either lives the lifestyle or has the slightest knowledge about it. Thank you for that!

I did notice the shift between "you" and "Him" in the beginning paragraph. If you originally wrote this for some one, it makes sense - sometimes you forget to change all the "yous" over. (I've done that!)

I do believe that the third paragraph, consisting of two sentences, is mostly a repeat of the last line of the previous paragraph. Maybe it could have been reworded differently?

What I found distracting, personally, was the overuse of ellipses in the beginning two paragraphs. Just kind of drew me away from what you were saying.

I didn't get the same feeling when the character was thinking to herself. It seemed to blend in naturally to me, plus the story had already swept me up and I felt I became the main character and what she was thinking was what I would be thinking. (how's that for a run on sentence? )

I do understand what people are saying about the ending, and it is the one thing that you will probably receive the most negative feedback on. I wrote a BDSM story in which the action seemingly "cut off" (as I had intended), and all the negative feedback - the most I'd ever gotten for any of my stories - talked about the ending being incomplete. That story is also my lowest scored. Just a note to you in case you receive negative feedback and/or low votes on this story.

The problem I had with the ending was this line:

"Just as I think I cannot hold back any longer, it stops."

What was "it"? It took me a while to wonder if "it" was her orgasm, which would be interesting in itself. Or, rather, the contraption that held her was suddenly cut off. Maybe something a little more clearer here - "Just as I think I cannot hold back any longer, the vibrations cease, and I am left desiring release once again." (If that is the meaning in your ending) This might make the ending a little more clearer to the readers.

Overall, a good story, and one I enjoyed. Just be aware that you will receive comments about the ending. Most will think it is unfinished, and some might be disappointed by that. I've never gone on to write another story in such a way. I've always at least allowed my characters to climax, and the scores and feedback encourage this.

Keep up the writing, and good luck!

 

[ladyphoenix]

Belle,
I loved the story. Oh, there might have been a few misspellings, and minor grammar bumps, but overall it was excellent.
I do think if people understood bdsm better (rather than simply thinking of it as whips and chains and candle wax) they would appreciate all the introspection and the relationship between your lady and her Dom.
I was also disappointed at the end. Leaving readers hanging may have the desired effect of leaving them wanting more, but be careful; it can also leave them angry at you for not finishing what you started. Kind of like getting almost to the orgasm, and having to stop because the in-laws knocked at the door. I think in this particular case you would have been better off giving us more.
Chele was right. You needed to specify what the "it" was in the ending. "It" was very confusing.
I wonder if you've read "Slave"...here's the URL; I'd love to exchange ideas on bdsm stories, if you're interested.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id30113

Again, a really wonderful piece. Thanks for giving it to all of us.

 

[Belle2]

Thank you to both of you for the positive feedback! It is great to get some feedback from someone that knows about the bdsm lifestyle some. I have only touched on living the life, but it is something that intrigues me and I did plenty of research before writing. I thought I would get poor ratings on this story because of the ending like one of you mentioned, but surprisingly, it has a 4.33 or something like that right now. Anyway, again thank you for the feedback. I will definately read the story that the url was left here for and get back to you Ladypheonix. Looking forward to discussing it with you. Let me get through midterms and I am on it. lol Take care both of you. Belle