Kaena
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2007
- Posts
- 4,047
Hey I would love feedback on any of the stories I have written here. You can find my stories here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=843176&page=submissions
Feedback Desired... PLEASE :)
- Thread starter Kaena
- Start date
manyeyedhydra
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 8, 2007
- Posts
- 1,014
Hiya,
Read Drive Shaft 1 & 2.
I notice you've picked up a few of the little H's so you're doing something right
There are a number of silly typo's in the first story I noticed while going through it. Basic stuff word processors miss like an 'it' instead of 'in' and a repeated 'would'. It felt like you missed off that all-important final 'fine-tooth comb' read through to clean up the little bloopers we all make. There were about five in the first story in around the space of a few paragraphs that was fairly jarring though. The second story had less of them that I noticed.
My biggest problem was that Mike seemed to be too much of an arse. You painted Jessie as a strong female character in a traditionally male dominated world. I couldn't see why she would even bother to spend the time on Mike that she did. I can see the humiliation angle, but I'm less convinced on why she would want to have sex with him.
my thoughts anyway.
Many-Eyed Hydra
Read Drive Shaft 1 & 2.
I notice you've picked up a few of the little H's so you're doing something right
There are a number of silly typo's in the first story I noticed while going through it. Basic stuff word processors miss like an 'it' instead of 'in' and a repeated 'would'. It felt like you missed off that all-important final 'fine-tooth comb' read through to clean up the little bloopers we all make. There were about five in the first story in around the space of a few paragraphs that was fairly jarring though. The second story had less of them that I noticed.
My biggest problem was that Mike seemed to be too much of an arse. You painted Jessie as a strong female character in a traditionally male dominated world. I couldn't see why she would even bother to spend the time on Mike that she did. I can see the humiliation angle, but I'm less convinced on why she would want to have sex with him.
my thoughts anyway.
Many-Eyed Hydra
litchipking
Experienced
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2008
- Posts
- 77
Took a peek
Hey Kaena,
I just finished reading your Drive Shaft series - I voted (5) and left a comment.
Just wanted to say that I really enjoyed your writing. The whole hot-chick-in-a-man's-world thing was just great. I meant what I said in the comment I left - you have a wicked and talented mind.
Suggestion though: there are several careless mistakes in both stories. I don't know if you had anyone read them before you posted, but you may want to consider doing so. I know it made a difference from my first story (no editor) to my second.
When I get the chance I plan on visiting your page again and reading more of your stories. I like what I've seen so far.
Happy writing,
Chip
Hey Kaena,
I just finished reading your Drive Shaft series - I voted (5) and left a comment.
Just wanted to say that I really enjoyed your writing. The whole hot-chick-in-a-man's-world thing was just great. I meant what I said in the comment I left - you have a wicked and talented mind.
Suggestion though: there are several careless mistakes in both stories. I don't know if you had anyone read them before you posted, but you may want to consider doing so. I know it made a difference from my first story (no editor) to my second.
When I get the chance I plan on visiting your page again and reading more of your stories. I like what I've seen so far.
Happy writing,
Chip
litchipking
Experienced
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2008
- Posts
- 77
Back again
Just read "The New Tenant", just the first chapter. I had a hard time with it.
He rents a room in her house and in their first meal together and first real conversation, she tries to masturbate him with her foot under the table. Then he goes to bed and wakes up to find that she has tied his hands to the bed rail and plans to fuck him.
There may be some excitement in all that but overall I think she sounds scary. This is psycho type shit. Why did she have to have him right then – and without even asking?
He just rented a room. They were going to be sharing meals and bathrooms and lots of opportunities would have presented themselves. I’m sure you explored all of that in your later chapters but you lost me before I could get there.
Sorry, but you asked.
Chip
Just read "The New Tenant", just the first chapter. I had a hard time with it.
He rents a room in her house and in their first meal together and first real conversation, she tries to masturbate him with her foot under the table. Then he goes to bed and wakes up to find that she has tied his hands to the bed rail and plans to fuck him.
There may be some excitement in all that but overall I think she sounds scary. This is psycho type shit. Why did she have to have him right then – and without even asking?
He just rented a room. They were going to be sharing meals and bathrooms and lots of opportunities would have presented themselves. I’m sure you explored all of that in your later chapters but you lost me before I could get there.
Sorry, but you asked.
Chip
elfin_odalisque
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2004
- Posts
- 10,056
I took a look at a couple of your stories that didn't get the pink squares.
First, I agree with the comment that you should be more careful proofing your stories. The typos and glitches are no more than off-putting, but so it is when sound and vision aren't sychned on TV.
Short stories are more difficult to write (well) than novel-length stories. Every word has to be weighed and there is no time to have lulls or diversions.
In 'Valentine Date' I thought you spent far too long on the background to the date, not anythinglike enough time on the date itself, then rushed the sex scene like an NFL playoff. If you are going to write good romance, you have to concentrate on emotions - not reactions. You write great dialogue but it is 2D - it doesn't show us how Selena and her Beau end up in bed.
In Romance especially, we have to want the denouement.
As lipchitking said, 'The New Tenant' doesn't make sense. A power exchange relationship takes time and trust and you rush it on first meeting. It's not credible. It's the same problem as Valentine Date - you spend too much time on the peripheral detail, timeline and intro and not enough on the interplay (emotional and physical) that moves strangers to lovers.
I think you write well, you need to tidy your text a bit, but you fall into the trap of spending far too much time laying out your stall - then rush your story. Three lit pages is not a put-off for most readers. Not feeling the emotions of your protags is.
Elle
First, I agree with the comment that you should be more careful proofing your stories. The typos and glitches are no more than off-putting, but so it is when sound and vision aren't sychned on TV.
Short stories are more difficult to write (well) than novel-length stories. Every word has to be weighed and there is no time to have lulls or diversions.
In 'Valentine Date' I thought you spent far too long on the background to the date, not anythinglike enough time on the date itself, then rushed the sex scene like an NFL playoff. If you are going to write good romance, you have to concentrate on emotions - not reactions. You write great dialogue but it is 2D - it doesn't show us how Selena and her Beau end up in bed.
In Romance especially, we have to want the denouement.
As lipchitking said, 'The New Tenant' doesn't make sense. A power exchange relationship takes time and trust and you rush it on first meeting. It's not credible. It's the same problem as Valentine Date - you spend too much time on the peripheral detail, timeline and intro and not enough on the interplay (emotional and physical) that moves strangers to lovers.
I think you write well, you need to tidy your text a bit, but you fall into the trap of spending far too much time laying out your stall - then rush your story. Three lit pages is not a put-off for most readers. Not feeling the emotions of your protags is.
Elle
August_Bouvier
Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2007
- Posts
- 75
Valentine Date
You've got a gift for dialogue, for sure.
I think this story could be stretched out more, it has a good foundation, seeing that it's Romance. I could see you hooking an audience as you take them on the adventure. That way you could sprinkle in the details and unveil character bios/emotions over a few chapters instead of feeling like you have to jam it all in in 2 pages.
The transition from flirting to consumation felt a bit rushed for Maria, seeing the way you wrote her character. (It could very well be that this story covers one night, over several chapters). I don't think it's a stretch that she's been celibate for a while--provided that you create a context that makes the choice a fit for her character.
I think romance readers want the anticipation to build and build until they're practically cheering for your characters to get together. Don't be afraid to slow things down a bit.
You've got a gift for dialogue, for sure.
I think this story could be stretched out more, it has a good foundation, seeing that it's Romance. I could see you hooking an audience as you take them on the adventure. That way you could sprinkle in the details and unveil character bios/emotions over a few chapters instead of feeling like you have to jam it all in in 2 pages.
The transition from flirting to consumation felt a bit rushed for Maria, seeing the way you wrote her character. (It could very well be that this story covers one night, over several chapters). I don't think it's a stretch that she's been celibate for a while--provided that you create a context that makes the choice a fit for her character.
I think romance readers want the anticipation to build and build until they're practically cheering for your characters to get together. Don't be afraid to slow things down a bit.
Similar threads
