Feedback - Biggest Boobs in Guyana

[al_Ussa]

So... figured I would take advantage of this forum and ask for anyone who is interested to provide feedback on my story Biggest Boobs in Guyana. It's a First Time story involving an Indian-American teen who is visiting relatives down in Guyana and winds up getting introduced to sex by a busty widow. It might be a bit heavy on the Asian-isms but please let me know what you think and how it might be improved or perhaps even continued. Honest feedback welcome and encouraged.

Also I'm more than happy to answer any questions or give insight into this story. The original inspiration for this story came from a series of pictures featuring a big boobed MILF that I found on an Indian newsgroup back in the day.

Guyana and the various specific references are all parts of the Indian diaspora, which stretches from London to Fiji.

 

[Jay_Lloyd]

Ok... I've not done this 'criticism' thing before, but, I am an author (of sorts), so what the hell. I enjoyed it, and you made Mrs Patel sound very hot. The plot twist with her character was very good.

I think that you gave your narrative character a lot of background, before you got to the 'action.' This is always good, but you overdid it a touch in comparison with the story's length. Also, you write good dialogue, which made me wish for more in the story. They were hot together, and the smack of realism was there. It would have been good to have had more sex, as it was enjoyable to read. As for a follow-up, you may have semi killed that with her character revelation, but I am sure you could work out something.

Overall, to me, it was a well written, hot sex story - enjoyable to read, but a tiny bit shy on dialogue and sex. I’d look for you again having read this.

 

[henderson791]

very very informative post; I learn a lot here.
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[bountifulmimi]

Nice

I enjoyed your story very much, thank you for sharing it.

From a female point of view I really enjoyed the lead up to the sexual encounter. It was quite a turn on from a female perspective to hear your private thoughts and desires and how much Mrs Patel turned you on.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

IMHO, I think Jay is right on the button.

After people have clicked on your story, you have to keep them scrolling down so you need to jump into the action immediately. You take about a thousand words before the story starts. I would suggest you start on the plane to Guyana, with the parents asleep and just let the protag mull over the events that got him there and his insecurities. This avoids the ‘click back’ and the problem you have with present and past tenses.

You can slowly drip the background in as you move the story forward.

Also, progressing the story with dialogue – not narrative – keeps us more connected.

“Since we were visiting family, we wound up staying with one of my (many) uncles who owned a place down there. It was pretty humble, especially by American standards, but it had a nice warm bed, a kitchen, and a roof to keep the rain out, so it wasn't really that bad. Especially since the weather down in Guyana is warm and tropical year round. It was also located in the middle of a bustling Indo-Guyanese town.”

This is bland. Why not tell it as an observer with surprise. ‘I couldn’t believe the humble simplicity of their life . . .’ ‘Coming from an upmarket American subdivision I was amazed . . .’. You need to show us the lifestyle contrast more, it is crucial to your story and explains why he behaves differently in Guyana than in the US.

No, I don’t think you have ‘over-Asianed’ the story; in fact the reverse. You write a good story but keep trying to avoid the ethnic connotations that would let us Anglo-Saxons into the world and culture of the Indian sub-continent.

I wanted to read more description of the Guyanan village, the video shop is clearly not Blockbusters, and your use of the adjective Indian actually served to make the description of Mrs Patel’s breasts less erotic. Be yourself, tell us what your reactions are, or use third person. The hero is in thrall to Mrs Patel’s dusky brown breasts, hanging like ripe fruit in front of him, with their erect, dark chocolate nipples – not ‘her Indian breasts’.

In summary, a good story which you have watered down by not taking us deeper into the ethnicity and exotic surroundings. There are thousands of ‘first time’ stories on Lit. Your unique selling point of the culture stress between American and Hindu values and losing virginity I think you underplay, to the detriment of the story.

I am often accused of being simplistic but I totally believe that, until you have found your feet in storytelling, first person tends to encourage talking to the readers – a great put-off – and gets writers to ignore developing supporting characters.

You write well and this site could really do with more erotic fiction from different ethnic standpoints.

Elle

 

[D_K_Moon]

You write well and this site could really do with more erotic fiction from different ethnic standpoints.

Elle

I totally agree with this! I loved his voice in this story!