Feedback Before I Lose My Nerve!!!!!

[Chicklet]

Hey everyone,

this isn't the first story I've submitted but it's the first one that I'm rather proud of...I put a lot more thought in to it than my little quickies. Please, please, please! I need some constructive criticism to help me improve in the future, and if you have any idea's about where this should go or what readers would like to see in the future.

it's a nonconsent story, just to forewarn you, but I implore you, critics, give me some feedback. Any comments will be greatly appreciated.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=45569

Chicklet

 

[80niner]

Chicklet. . .
I downloaded your story and did some line editing on it.
I cut it from 3210 words to 2532.
That is close to 700 words I found unnecessary.
I would suggest that you print this out and compare
with your story. Try to figure out why I eliminated
those words.
Also. You are basically in the POV (point of view) of
Amanda but at least twice you reverted to Caitlin’s
Hope I helped
80niner

The Alternative
by Chicklet ©
Amanda flipped the envelope over and knew it was hopeless. There was nothing to tell her who sent it. Someone had slipped it in to her mailbox the previous day. She re-read it for the thousandth time; no point, she knew it by heart.

"I know about Keith Henderson and Zane Smith. I know what you did with them. I know everything you got out of it."

Short sentences, no major information revealed. To Amanda, it was a nightmare coming true. In 27 years, Amanda had done little she wasn't proud of. In school she'd been a good student, top of her class, popular. College had been nodifferent, no drug or late night parties, no boyfriends talking her in to things that she would later regret. Amanda had been a good girl. . . but even the good girls falter. Sometimes a girl does something no one would think she would and someone finds out.

Keith Henderson. Zane Smith. Two names Amanda never wanted to hear again. How had anyone found out? More importantly, what did they want from Amanda?

***

At work, Amanda felt paranoid. It was not an emotion she was comfortable with. Everywhere she looked, she saw people she knew, people she didn't know. . . anyone could be the person behind the letter. When her secretary knocked on Amanda's door, she almost peed her pants.

"I'm sorry, Miss Mitchell," said Susan. "Didn't mean to scare you." She smiled at Amanda.

"It's okay, Sue," Amanda reassured her. "I'm jumpy today."

"Mr. Smith wants these on his desk by Friday morning." Susan dropped a pile of files in front of Amanda.

Amanda shuddered. Zane Smith, her boss. She could see the note in her mind. Someone knew.

"…And filed." Susan finished.

"I'm sorry?" Said Amanda.

"Geeze, Miss Mitchell, maybe you should take a lunch break."

Amanda shot her a look that let Susan know what she thought of that comment.

"Everyone deserves a break now and then, Miss Mitchell."

Susan left the office, leaving Amanda with the files.

"Maybe I will take a break." She pushed her chair back from the desk and got up. A long, lunch break. Maybe a salad would help her regain her cool.

As she was leaving, the phone rang. She heard Susan pick it up, the seconds later Susan buzzed in.

"Phone, Miss Mitchell. She said it's urgent."

Amanda picked up the phone.

A quiet, feminine voice purred "Amanda, I hope you got my note. I think we should meet for lunch."

"Who are you? What do you want?" Amanda whispered in to the receiver. She locked the office door, afraid Susan might enter and see her in her upset state.

"Go to Tino's Italian restaurant across the street. Get a a booth, away from the window. I’ll be there in five minutes. Be there or I’ll go public."

The woman hung up. Amanda took a deep breath. Her heart was pounding much faster than normal. She grabbed her coat and left.

She got a booth as instructed. Amanda paid no attention to the menu. She scanned the room. She had no idea of what to expect, but in an unreasonable way thought that she could spot her when she came in.

The woman was already there. She slipped into the booth, across from Amanda, before she realized it.

"Hello Miss Mitchell." The woman was almost insolent. "I'm so glad you could make it."

The woman’s long, black hair, pulled in to a French braid, fell past her shoulders. Her almond shaped, dark brown eyes were framed by long dark lashes. The dark smooth skin gave her an ageless quality that could put her between 25 and 45. Amanda thought she might be Native American or perhaps have a black relative generations back. Her full lips, painted a blood red, curled into a smile, displaying a row of pearly teeth.

Amanda swallowed hard. Had they met in different circumstances, she could be attracted to this woman. She had never been with a girl, but she felt it would be exciting. She sometimes wished for the chance to have a threesome.

"My name is Caitlin Henderson," the dark woman said. "We met once when I was with my husband, Keith."

Amanda felt the blood drain from her face. She dropped her menu.

"I see that you appreciate who I am," said Caitlin. "I want you to know that if you cooperate, no one need know what I do."

"What do you know, Mrs. Henderson?" Amanda winced at the quiver in her voice. Why was she being such a coward? This woman probably knew everything, had proof…and was out for blood.

"In 1998 my husband and Zane Smith worked together. Their firm was doing poorly. There were problems about money embezzled from the clients. They were being investigated. You were Mr. Smith's assistant. Smith gave evidence to the authorities incriminating my husband. He was sentenced to prison. We have since divorced. I believe Smith knew the investigation would go on until one of them was incriminated. With your help, he made sure it wouldn't be him. I know, Miss Mitchell, that you took evidence from Smith's files, and altered it to look as though it belonged to Keith. Then you testified against my husband. My husband was convicted, but they never found the money. I know that you have it."

"You can't prove that," said Amanda.

"Yes, I can. When I divorced Keith I sorted through our things, I found a diary he kept during the ordeal. He wrote about your affair with Zane Smith. He wrote it so that if anything happened to him, everyone involved would go down. He has copies of receipts, deposit slips, everything I need to send you to prison."

Caitlin leaned back against the seat. She looked quite content, like the cat that got the cream.

Amanda leaned back, folded her arms across her chest.

"Where does this put us?" Amanda gathered the courage to look Caitlin in the eye.

"I want you," said Caitlin. "I’ve always wanted you. Since meeting you at the company New Year’s party, I've thought about you. If you want me to keep quiet, you will meet me tonight. Follow the directions exactly as written. You have until then to decide."

The older woman stood and walked out. Amanda looked at the card Caitlin left. On the front an address was printed in black ink. On the back, in small, neat handwriting it said:

"Wear a short dress. Pumps. Nothing else. Arrive at nine."

Amanda put her head in her hands. The bottom of her world had fallen out.

***

Amanda had pictured the house to be some sort of gothic mansion, a fence around large grounds, a circular driveway and bars on three stories of windows. In reality, the house she looked quite lovely. A modest two story home with a large porch, brightly painted, with a double garage. There were flowers in the front yard and a tall fence enclosed the back. Amanda parked in the driveway and walked to the door.

She felt quite ridiculous with no panties on, but she was afraid Caitlin would check, and use any excuse to turn her in. This was probably for humiliation, right? What other reason would the woman have for asking her not to wear panties or a bra. Amanda stood at the door for three minutes. It felt like thirty. Taking deep breaths, she gathered enough courage to ring the bell.

The door opened immediately, Caitlin stood in the doorway. She was tall, probably five-ten, in flat-soled shoes. She wore a casual pants suit. The wine red color went quite well with her dark features.

"Won't you come in?" She smirked at the younger girl. Amanda looked great, thought Caitlin. The way she had looked nearly five years ago. Amanda was a petite blonde, wispy white blonde hair cut in to a stylish pageboy. Her supple body was curvy, good-sized chest, a C cup, slim waist, and wider hips, giving her a classic hourglass figure any girl would have coveted in the 50's. Now, in the 21st century, people seemed to think that women shouldn't have a figure. The women Caitlin saw on television had as much shape as twigs. Amanda was the type that Caitlin lusted after. Amanda's blue eyes, pert nose, and luscious lips needed no cosmetic enhancement.

Amanda walked past Caitlin in to a comortable sitting room. The soft carpet made walking difficult in her high heels. She didn't know if it would be appropriate for her to take them off. Caitlin read her puzzled mind.

"Remove your shoes, Amanda." Caitlin walked to the couch, sat and rested her arms on the back of the couch. "Won't you have a seat, dear?"

Amanda made as if to sit in one of the cream colored chairs.

"I was thinking that you could sit on the floor, Amanda." Caitlin smiled.

Amanda shot her a look of fire before setting herself on the thick carpet. It was awkward, finding a comfortable position that did not remind her of the fact that she wore no panties under her dress. She felt the carpet on her naked legs, and was embarrassed to feel it through her dress pushing against her pussy lips. The friction made her more aware of her near nakedness in front of this other woman.

"So," Caitlin began, "You have a choice to make, Amanda -- "

"Look," Amanda interrupted, scared to death. She wanted this to be over. "You’ve got me, ma'am. What is your silence going to cost? I don't have much money. What I have, I am willing to give you. I'll do anything you ask. Tell me and let it be over."

Caitlin smiled.

"That makes it easier, doesn't it?" she smirked. "I want all of you. I want you to quit your job, get rid of your apartment. Move in with me…as, shall we say…my maid. As my maid you will obey me. My word will be law. You will clean for me, shop for me, cook for me, serve me, and…well…service me."

Caitlin felt like a fool, on the exterior she remained a calm, collected individual blackmailing a girl into what was practically slavery, but when she said it out loud she knew how it sounded.

"Service you how?" said Amanda. Caitlin saw the genuine puzzlement on her face.

"Sexually. Absolutely anything I say, you will do, or else you will go to prison."

"I hardly think that fair." Amanda rose from her place on the couch. "Prison would be temporary, how would this be better?"

"Well," said Caitlin, "We could work something out. Lets say . . . two years in my service. Then I will give you the hard copies of all documents and you can go on with your life."

Amanda looked at the floor, where she'd been sitting a moment before.

"I'm not a lesbian," Amanda said quietly. "I've never been with a woman, never imagined it." Her heart was fluttering. That was not quite true. It had been her fantasy to be with a woman, but not something she'd seriously considered. But in this situation, there was no choice involved. She herself becoming moist.

"I don't care if you're a lesbian or not," Caitlin said sharply. "Tell me now or I'll go to the police."

"I'll do it." Amanda could hardly believe she heard herself say it. Caitlin, too, was surprised. She had worked on this plan out for months. Now it was actually clicking in to place.

"Kneel in front of the couch."

Amanda walked to the couch and got on her knees, looking up at Caitlin, nervously.

"Remove your dress."

The dress slipped off of Amanda's body. She dropped it to the side. Nude, her body blushed with embarrassment. She had never been naked in front of a woman before. Her hand moved to cover her pubic mound.

"Hands behind your head, dear." Caitlin spoke less sharply now that she had the girl naked at her feet.

Caitlin eyes roamed over Amanda's body. It was more glorious than she had imagined. The skin was flawless, pale. Goosebumps were beginning to rise on Amanda's skin. Her nipples were becoming erect, wrinkling the pink skin of the small, surrounding areoles and the eraser sized buds. With arms behind her head the breasts thrust forward, offering themselves to Caitlin's hands.

But Caitlin was waiting. She didn't want to wear her prize out too soon, no. She had a plan for tonight.

"Very nice," Caitlin murmured. "Very nice indeed."

Amanda's pussy began to throb. She was aroused from the humiliation of being exposed in front of a near stranger. She wanted Caitlin to touch her breast. Amanda thrust out her chest to make it look enticing

Caitlin did not move from her place.

"Now," said Caitlin, "spread your legs, knees apart, until you're almost falling over backwards."

Amanda moved awkwardly to get into position.

"Good girl. Now, take your right hand and put it between your legs. Show me your treasures, Amanda."

Her hand cautiously made its way to the furrow between her legs. Amanda spread her pussy lips, letting her audience have a full view of her 'treasures.'

"Slide your middle finger inside your cunt," Caitlin purred. She adjusted herself on the couch ever so slightly. Her panties were becoming moist. She fought an urge to finger herself while watching Amanda play. "Yes, now, tease your clit. Keep your pussy lips open."

Amanda's face felt on fire, a mixture of embarrassment and arousal. She stroked the inside of her pussy with her middle finger, lightly scraping the side with her nail. The soft pad of her index finger stroked her clit. It needed little urging to pop out of its hood.

"Touch your breasts," Caitlin’s breath came in shorter gasps as she watched the gorgeous body in front of her shake with need.

Amanda's breathing was irregular too. Caitlin knew the woman wanted to cum.

"Now, cum for me, Amanda. Fuck yourself and orgasm for me." Amanda's fingers moved faster. Her left hand twirled her left nipple, pulling it and twisting it. Her right hand’s middle finger thrust inside her. Her thumb teased her clit. "Cum for me, baby. You're mine now. You'll do what I say. When I want you to cum, you'll cum. If I want to cum, you'll lick me and fuck me until I cum. Now baby, cum for me."

Amanda whimpered and moaned. Her orgasm began. The flesh around her middle finger gripped it, trying to suck it in further. Her thumb slowed, but did not stop, caressing the swollen clit. Amanda's legs shook. She had not had an orgasm this good since her boyfriend had left her.

Once the spasms stopped, Amanda knelt, panting, at Caitlin's feet. Her head hung down, her arms lay limply at her sides. She looked up at the woman on the couch.

"Very good, Amanda," smiled Caitlin. "I think that our arrangment will work just fine."

T

 

[Chicklet]

Many Thanks

Thank you very much for your help, I'll definatly work on cutting out useless words in the next one = ) = )

 

[carly10]

Re: Many Thanks

Thank you very much for your help, I'll definatly work on cutting out useless words in the next one = ) = )

I liked your story a lot. At first I didn't know about the nonconsent thing but then I read the story and it was great!!! Good job.

 

[Chicklet]

Thank You Carly = ) you made me feel all bubbly inside

Chicklet

 

[jon.hayworth]

Chicklet,

I've just read your story.

I have not gone to the extent 80niner did by editing it. I thought it was a good story, - the question in the back of my mind was should this be in Non-Consent.

I know it was non-consential but the action was more like that I would expect to find in a BDSM story. Basically it was a relationship between a Dominatrix and a Submissive. I have also seen non-consential stories in the Lesbian stories. But no it was BDSM Caitlin was getting her rocks off by controlling Amanda!

Keep writing you are right to be proud of the story. I too often have a problem pidgeon-holing a story.

jon

 

[Chicklet]

moving my story

Sometimes it's hard for me to decide whether I think an idea would constitute as BDSM or NonConsent. I read both kinds of stories often and sometimes find one or another that I think should be in the other section. I definatly don't want mine in the wrong one!
So, off I go to try to fix this mistake - I think I read that I need to re-submit it with a title like "please change" right?
Thanks for your help, Jon, I definatly appreciate it = ) = )

Chicklet

 

[JohnOne]

I liked the story -- of course you already knew that from my e-mail if you got it. Can't wait to hear more. The premise of the story has a lot of potential for some really hot stuff.