Feedback appreciated

[Kristhor]

Hi again,
I didn't feel like making this post, but my friend recommended it.

So Elora, my first ever story was finally released 27th January.
If you could take a look at it, maybe rate it and leave a comment.
I would really appreciate it. All feedback is welcome.

Link: https://literotica.com/s/elora

I'll rerelease chapter 7 once it is complete, which will be next week hopefully.

Oh and i guess you can write what you guess might be happening next in the story.

Thank you and have a nice Sunday.

 

[lanceGibs]

Can you please share a link

 

[Kristhor]

Can you please share a link

Link added

 

[lanceGibs]

Link added

Thank You

 

[BobbyBrandt]

I'm sure it's a fine story so far, but I will wait until it is complete before reading it. Good luck.

 

[Kristhor]

I'm sure it's a fine story so far, but I will wait until it is complete before reading it. Good luck.

Thank you, but I have no idea when it will end, I have no plans of ending it. Hehe

 

[AlinaX]

If you could take a look at it, maybe rate it and leave a comment.
I would really appreciate it. All feedback is welcome.
Link: https://literotica.com/s/elora

You really need to slow down! Your first paragraph is a chaotic blizzard of confusing information.

 

[Kristhor]

You really need to slow down! Your first paragraph is a chaotic blizzard of confusing information.

Thank you for your feedback

 

[AlinaX]

lol - I may give proper feedback sometime when I actually have time to read and respond, but the point stands. You're rushing to tell us so much when you have a whole story to get there.

Keep writing...

 

[AnnieLit]

When asking for feedback, it is always a good idea to mention what category of lit stories your's belongs to. Rarely a person is interested in everything, in your case you don't want people that don't give a damn about fantasy to give you any feedback.

And yes, a rapid fire of short sentences at the very start is confusing. But then I stopped reading at the first mention of who your character is, so maybe there was a reason for such a start.

 

[yukonnights]

I just read a bit of the beginning of your story. Kudos for a good imagination. Sometimes it seems more helpful to try and write a short bit of a story in a different way to offer a bit of advice. The way you crafted yours is more of a "Telling" approach. The goal below is an attempt to give a "Showing" approach.
***

Original:
Elora kicked the guard in his balls. As he screamed in agony, she ran out of the tavern. She ran as fast as she could. Elora was an 18-year-old teen satyr. Her short black hair with a light blue stripe waved in the wind and the right side of her head shaved, with dark gray horns, light blue eyeliner, lipstick, light blue ring piercing above her right eye. She wore a black leather jacket, light blue crop top, and black pants. Her black hooves had light blue spirals on them and black and white fur covered her lower body. Her skin was golden beige. While Elora ran, her mind was racing.

Modified:
The Guard screamed in agony, shocked that the young satyr would do such a thing. But the young wench could easily outrun him even if she hadn't temporarily sidelined him. He made a mental note of her looks though, and jotted it down in his notebook; late-teens, short black hair with a light blue stripe on one side and shaved on the other, dark gray horns and a light blue ring piercing above her right eye. Wearing a well worn black jacket and black pants — dark hooves with light blue spirals. Lower body covered in a mixed black and white fur — skin is a golden beige color.

Her mind racing, Elora ran as fast as her hooves could go in a panic to get clear of the place and the guard. <(note that each character has their separate paragraphs.)
***
Hope this is of some help. You clearly have the imagination to conjure some great stories, you just need to spend a bit of time reading / learning some of the basics in how to put those ideas into a more conventional story writing way. Reading stories by authors you enjoy is a good way to learn. Also, simple searches online about "how to write fiction" should also turn up some good advice.

 

[AlinaX]

Elora ran. She ran as fast as she could, out of the tavern into the dark night. The crescent moon was low on the horizon, its fragile light sufficient for her to pick out a sure path. Behind her, the guard bellowed with rage: "I'll get you, you satyr bitch!" She had been forced to kick him in the balls to escape.

 

[Kristhor]

I just read a bit of the beginning of your story. Kudos for a good imagination. Sometimes it seems more helpful to try and write a short bit of a story in a different way to offer a bit of advice. The way you crafted yours is more of a "Telling" approach. The goal below is an attempt to give a "Showing" approach.
***

Original:
Elora kicked the guard in his balls. As he screamed in agony, she ran out of the tavern. She ran as fast as she could. Elora was an 18-year-old teen satyr. Her short black hair with a light blue stripe waved in the wind and the right side of her head shaved, with dark gray horns, light blue eyeliner, lipstick, light blue ring piercing above her right eye. She wore a black leather jacket, light blue crop top, and black pants. Her black hooves had light blue spirals on them and black and white fur covered her lower body. Her skin was golden beige. While Elora ran, her mind was racing.

Modified:
The Guard screamed in agony, shocked that the young satyr would do such a thing. But the young wench could easily outrun him even if she hadn't temporarily sidelined him. He made a mental note of her looks though, and jotted it down in his notebook; late-teens, short black hair with a light blue stripe on one side and shaved on the other, dark gray horns and a light blue ring piercing above her right eye. Wearing a well worn black jacket and black pants — dark hooves with light blue spirals. Lower body covered in a mixed black and white fur — skin is a golden beige color.

Her mind racing, Elora ran as fast as her hooves could go in a panic to get clear of the place and the guard. <(note that each character has their separate paragraphs.)
***
Hope this is of some help. You clearly have the imagination to conjure some great stories, you just need to spend a bit of time reading / learning some of the basics in how to put those ideas into a more conventional story writing way. Reading stories by authors you enjoy is a good way to learn. Also, simple searches online about "how to write fiction" should also turn up some good advice.

Thank you this was really helpful ☺

 

[Kristhor]

When asking for feedback, it is always a good idea to mention what category of lit stories your's belongs to. Rarely a person is interested in everything, in your case you don't want people that don't give a damn about fantasy to give you any feedback.

And yes, a rapid fire of short sentences at the very start is confusing. But then I stopped reading at the first mention of who your character is, so maybe there was a reason for such a start.

So is it only the way the text was written or do you dislike the character herself? I can say that the reason for such start was that was excitement and the case that I'm very much an amateur

 

[Stimtheone]

Oooh... interesting story. Potential, but a few issues that I do hope you can grow out of. But, onto the "mistakes noticed":

First, indeed things seem a bit... rushed... at times. Too much happening in one segment. It's a good idea if there are too many things happening to sort of start another paragraph. And beginning was a bit too abrupt. Just threw us into the action. You wanna ease people in and out of the mood of a scene. You can't have the mood shift too fast. Kinda feels like an excited child is dragging you from one attraction to the other... at the risk of purple prose... linger on something.

Second, I said the part about overusing words to reference someone or something. Reading "Elora" so many times is making the world lose meaning. Seriously, at one point I read it three times in three very short lines. "The satyr", "the girl", "our hero", "the slut in denial" (not that I am in any way assuming to really know her). Diversity. You tire of eating the same thing.

Just a few "construction" issues here and there... non-capitalized beginnings, missing commas... in some cases missing words. In my experience, Google docs has helped me fix so many of these kinds of issues. Sometimes it's wrong, but most times it has a point. And I could almost guess that English is not your first language. Neither is it mine, but you're missing articles and such that... while the sentence still makes sense, it sounds off... like I'm hearing someone speak with an accent.

Characters feel at time quite wooden and almost like they're reading from a script while still holding it. They are introduced and easily abandoned, they go through the motions without feeling like they have a real investment. Even as such people come and go, one should take a moment to develop them a bit even behind the scenes. Develop your characters enough and you don't even need to plan a scene... just put them somewhere and you know what they will do.

I can see a slowly growing quality as things move forward, so there are some clear improvements in all the aspects. But... I say there is a way to go.

 

[Kristhor]

Oooh... interesting story. Potential, but a few issues that I do hope you can grow out of. But, onto the "mistakes noticed":

First, indeed things seem a bit... rushed... at times. Too much happening in one segment. It's a good idea if there are too many things happening to sort of start another paragraph. And beginning was a bit too abrupt. Just threw us into the action. You wanna ease people in and out of the mood of a scene. You can't have the mood shift too fast. Kinda feels like an excited child is dragging you from one attraction to the other... at the risk of purple prose... linger on something.

Second, I said the part about overusing words to reference someone or something. Reading "Elora" so many times is making the world lose meaning. Seriously, at one point I read it three times in three very short lines. "The satyr", "the girl", "our hero", "the slut in denial" (not that I am in any way assuming to really know her). Diversity. You tire of eating the same thing.

Just a few "construction" issues here and there... non-capitalized beginnings, missing commas... in some cases missing words. In my experience, Google docs has helped me fix so many of these kinds of issues. Sometimes it's wrong, but most times it has a point. And I could almost guess that English is not your first language. Neither is it mine, but you're missing articles and such that... while the sentence still makes sense, it sounds off... like I'm hearing someone speak with an accent.

Characters feel at time quite wooden and almost like they're reading from a script while still holding it. They are introduced and easily abandoned, they go through the motions without feeling like they have a real investment. Even as such people come and go, one should take a moment to develop them a bit even behind the scenes. Develop your characters enough and you don't even need to plan a scene... just put them somewhere and you know what they will do.

I can see a slowly growing quality as things move forward, so there are some clear improvements in all the aspects. But... I say there is a way to go.

Yes the beginning is rushed, at that point I didn't have a clear idea what to write. I just wanted to get the beginning out of the way. I know it is bad.

About referencing someone, yes it happens a lot, but I don't know how to fix it.

About construction, I wasn't aware that there are still a lot of errors, so thank you. The story has gone through two rewrites. And I guess I have to do one more. I have used Prowritingaid to fix my text.

About characters, yes I know I should work on describing and developing the characters more... I haven't bothered much with characters that I don't consider important to the plot. In Chapter two I got clear idea who are the main characters.

I should also work on describing atmosphere and places in general. I'm more focused on characters and their interactions.

Someone also said something similar that as I went on with the story the text improved, but I dunno

 

[Bramblethorn]

Elora ran. She ran as fast as she could, out of the tavern into the dark night. The crescent moon was low on the horizon, its fragile light sufficient for her to pick out a sure path. Behind her, the guard bellowed with rage: "I'll get you, you satyr bitch!" She had been forced to kick him in the balls to escape.

This would work much better for me.

A couple more possibilities for slipping info into the storytelling naturally:

"She ran as fast as her hooves could carry her"
"Her hooves clattered on the tavern floor as she bounded out into the dark night"

Or even mention that the guard ended up with a cloven hoof-print in the balls.

 

[AnnieLit]

So is it only the way the text was written or do you dislike the character herself? I can say that the reason for such start was that was excitement and the case that I'm very much an amateur

Both. First the rush of short sentences that didn't look justified in any way. But I thought maybe you will slow down later. Then I got to the satyr part and that was it for me - this is absolutely not my thing, so no reason to read on and see if you did slow down.

 

[Bramblethorn]

This would work much better for me.

A couple more possibilities for slipping info into the storytelling naturally:

"She ran as fast as her hooves could carry her"
"Her hooves clattered on the tavern floor as she bounded out into the dark night"

Or even mention that the guard ended up with a cloven hoof-print in the balls.

Just to expand on that a bit, now I have more time: the more you can integrate who the character is with how they interact with their world, the better it tends to work.

In a fantasy novel, when non-human races (species) are part of the setting, those species differences tend to be a big part of how they interact with one another and with the world. Legolas and Gimli distrust one another at first because there's bad blood between dwarves and elves going way back. An elf falling in love with a human is a kind of tragedy, because elves are immortal and human lives are so short.

In fantasy MMOs, the backstory usually reflects those same kinds of difference. Orcs vs. humans, etc. etc. But when somebody creates a MMO character, race is usually a pretty superficial choice. Maybe somebody takes a dwarf because they get more hit points, or a troll because they're going to be staring at this character's butt for a long time and troll butt is more attractive than elf butt. But as soon as they start playing, you'll see all those races teaming up together (as much as the game allows them to) and nobody cares that the elf is going to outlive the human, and that the elf's uncle murdered the dwarf's great-great-great-great-grandfather.

I only read the first page, but what I did read had that MMO feel to it. There were humans and satyrs and dwarves and orcs, but those distinctions all felt very cosmetic. If you take out the first-paragraph description, and a few lines that directly reference "hooves" or "satyr", there's nothing that makes Elora feel like anything other than an angsty human teenager.

The further you go from the real modern-day world, the more work it is for readers to understand the setting. Do satyrs have magical powers? Is sleeping with an orc something that society would consider shameful? Hell if I know. The more I'm trying to figure those out, the less capacity I have for just following and enjoying whatever story it is you're telling. Other posters have already commented on how the first paragraph goes wrong combining action with info-dump, and a fantasy setting increases the risk of that kind of problem.

That doesn't mean that nobody should write fantasy! But it does mean that if you have fantasy elements in the story, they should earn their keep - think through them, think about how those elements would change the story, make sure they're not just a bit of bling thrown on top of people who might as well just be humans. If you're writing a satyr, think about how the world is different for a satyr.

Not all of that has to go into the first paragraph, or even the first page. But if I see a few signs early on that you're thinking about these things - even minor physical stuff, like how running for a satyr would be a bit different to running for a human - that gives me a bit more confidence that you might be planning to do something interesting with those fantasy aspects, and that might get me to read a little longer to find out.