Feedback Appreciated - esp from you ladies!

[Arthog]

My first show at writing erotica so I would love any feedback I can get on this, especially from the ladies as women are my target audience
Following behind I can see your body move purposefully towards the door and open it. You motion me in and I saw you eyes move up and down me as I walk past. The room is dimly lit with a large bed covered in a very large duvet. The room is filled with musk and sandalwood aromas that are instantly arousing. As I stood and looked around I feel hands on my back then around to my chest. I turn and looked into your eyes. I move my hands around you and hold you close to me breathing in the wonderful scent of your hair. Kissing the top of your head I move my hands up to the nape of your neck and gently tip your head backwards. My mouth moves down to meet yours and our lips touch, gently at first then with a firm and passionate pressure.
I hold your head in my hands and kiss you harder my tongue pushing your lips open as you take it into your mouth wrapping yours around mine our bodies press hard into each other.
I feel your soft body against my hard muscular torso; it feels like you are melting into me as I hold you and my arms wrap around your entire body. Moving your hair to one side I start to kiss down your silky neck, it’s delightfully soft and smooth and I kiss gently, letting my lips drag down across your young skin. I nibble you lightly as I get to the base of your neck then suck gently at your skin. You taste so good, so arousing, and so ready.
I reach my hands to the front of your blouse and pull it up over your head, tearing buttons as I do. Lifting your hands over your head I remove it in one movement and I stand in stunned silence as I see your wonderful skin exposed to me. Turning you around I lay you back onto the bed and start to kiss your chest, across your collarbone and up to your naked shoulders. My hands are on your stomach fingers moving up to your cleavage and then back down to the top of you skirt, each time letting my fingers run just under the waistband – then back up to your chest as I kiss your neck, your face and your lips. Moving my hands behind you I unhook your bra and undress you a little further. Your breasts are large and firm and your nipples are rigid and aroused. I move down your body kissing you as I do and take one breast in my hand and massage it firmly but gently. Lower in my mouth towards you I take your nipple in my lips and squeeze it, then suck it slowly into my mouth as I flick it with my tongue. I can taste you again and realise how arousing this is, I really want you, to take you now hard and fast but I realise that to take my time will make the moment far sweeter.
I move to your other breast and lick around your nipple as I let my hands run up and down your body, up to your throat and down to your stomach. My fingers wrap around your neck and I drag my nails down your body lightly across your chest and down to your stomach, again letting my hand move a little lower under your waistband......

 

[kbate]

I'll leave the good: The arousing aroma of musty sandalwood filled my senses.

The rest requires revision or deletion.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Arthog -

You might find that this will do better on the feedback forum. That's where people usually look for such things. This is more of a chat area.

All the best -

Shanglan

 

[kbate]

You might find that this will do better on the feedback forum. That's where people usually look for such things. This is more of a chat area.

No, here I am polite, on feedback I would have no choice but to be scathing.

 

[Guest]

Arthog -

You might find that this will do better on the feedback forum. That's where people usually look for such things. This is more of a chat area.

All the best -

Shanglan

I agree.

I would also suggest changing the story from first person and from present tense. Those are mistakes new writers often make, especially in the telling of "true to life" experiences.

BUT, Arthog, everyone has to begin somewhere. Write it up, spellcheck, edit, rewrite, and submit. We learn and grow from experience.

Good luck.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

No, here I am polite, on feedback I would have no choice but to be scathing.

I think all he needed to do was to change the female to his sister, and add a few potted plants...and voila! Instant contest entry!

 

[TheEarl]

Play nice with the newbie. There is such a thing as tact.

The Earl

 

[Liar]

I think all he needed to do was to change the female to his sister, and add a few potted plants...and voila! Instant contest entry!

Are potted plants big in the contest circus?

 

[Guest]

.....

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Are potted plants big in the contest circus?

Well, no, not really, but he could introduce a rare, and threatened African Violet into the pot...so, by the slimmest of margins the goal of the contest thread has been met...

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Play nice with the newbie. There is such a thing as tact.

The Earl

I was told to pick all of the tacts up, someone might step on them....

 

[3113]

Play nice with the newbie. There is such a thing as tact.

No mercy. Better he get it now and from us than from readers. They'd be ten times worse...and voting.

 

[Penelope Street]

Sex itself is the least important ingredient of the story for me, even an erotic one. I need to know who the characters are, what they want, and why they want it. When a 'story' starts with a sex scene, I start looking for a new story.

Second-person point of view was probably not the best choice. I've read exactly one story on this site where the "you" perspective worked for me, and it worked as a comedy. For more on this issue, you might consider googling: Fiction "Point of view" Second-Person

I did like the bit about the sandlewood scents.

 

[TheEarl]

No mercy. Better he get it now and from us than from readers. They'd be ten times worse...and voting.

Yeah, but what he's being given here is no good to man nor beast. Saying, "That's awful," gets you nowhere. Saying, "You need to do this, this, this and this, then come back to us," is far better.

I'm being hypocritical, as I'm not helping either, but at least I'm not taking potshots at the poor guy's ego.

The Earl

 

[kbate]

Yeah, but what he's being given here is no good to man nor beast. Saying, "That's awful," gets you nowhere. Saying, "You need to do this, this, this and this, then come back to us," is far better.

I stand by the feedback in my first post in this thread. In my opinion, I told him the best I could.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

I'm a woman, but not one in your target audience probably and it does nothing for me. to be fair, in a snippet this short, nothing short of perhaps Voltaire or Jack London would do anything for me. There is simply not enough there to stimulate my mind.

I know neigther participant and so I have no reason to invest any emotional capital in the interaction described.

This isn't a comment on the technical skill, nore even your mastery or lack of mastery with it. If you are serious about writing for women though, my advice is that no amount of technical skill is going to make up for a lack of emotional involvement in the characters.

Your sin then, isn't in the writing itself, neither is it in the mechanics. It's in thinking a female audicence could make a judgement call on somethinng so scant in emotional content.

Rather than directing you to story feedback, I would direct you to the how to section of lit. I would also suggest a careful reading os fome of the better authors here who do appeal to a female audience. I'm not suggesting you copy them, conciously or no. I am suggesting you can get a feel for what dynamics within the story give women an emotionally satisfying reading experience.

Technical merit only comes with experience. Talent and imagination you either have or you do not. But if you truly have a tagret audience in mind, then you are behooved to tailor both talent and skill to a presentation that audience will appreciate.

Welcome to the Ah

 

[alice_underneath]

My first show at writing erotica so I would love any feedback I can get on this, especially from the ladies as women are my target audience

Welcome to Lit, Arthog.

I am a reader, not a writer. Since I've never had the patience or courage to write a story here, you're already doing better than I am.

I have several suggestions for you. First, a technicality. Those loooooooooong paragraphs are very difficult to read. If you break up your work into more manageable sections, it will be much easier for the reader to follow the text.

Next, a general comment. When you write the story as 'You' and 'I' (instead of 'Jack' and 'Julie'), the wording can become a bit awkward. In addition, you are trying to draw me into a story in a way that rarely works for me.

I don't know the guy touching 'me' in the story at all. I have no hint as to his personality, and no idea why I would want him to be touching me in the first place. This makes it harder for me to suspend disbelief and get lost in the story. Does that make sense?

It is not impossible to convey personality and sexual tension in a first person (I/you) story, but the successful ones seem few and far between. Here is one that I found very arousing. I recommend that you read it, and see if you can ascertain the difference between his tale and yours.

http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=24290

Even though that story is in the Erotic Couplings category, there is more to the story than just the act of sex itself. Even more importantly - the personalities and emotions of both the man and the woman are conveyed in a very short period of time.

Following behind I can see your body move purposefully towards the door and open it. You motion me in and I saw you eyes move up and down me as I walk past. The room is dimly lit with a large bed covered in a very large duvet. The room is filled with musk and sandalwood aromas that are instantly arousing. As I stood and looked around I feel hands on my back then around to my chest.

This excerpt was the beginning of your story. I cut it off here to draw your attention to the last point where the female does anything. After this point, she does not stroke, press, quiver, sigh, moan, grab, twist, or anything else. He might as well be touching an inflatable doll!

Again, I urge you to read the story at the link I provided and note the contrast between the way in which the female moves and reacts in his story and yours.

I hope this helps.

Good luck with your writing,

Alice

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Well, I don't think it was a serious attempt to write, it looks and reads more like someone trying to entice someone into having cybersex...

He posted the same thing in the Lit Personals...

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=422348

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Well, I don't think it was a serious attempt to write, it looks and reads more like someone trying to entice someone into having cybersex...

I think it was very serious.
He seriously wanted to get laid.

 

[angelicminx]

<snip>It is not impossible to convey personality and sexual tension in a first person (I/you) story, but the successful ones seem few and far between. Here is one that I found very arousing. I recommend that you read it, and see if you can ascertain the difference between his tale and yours.

http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=24290

Even though that story is in the Erotic Couplings category, there is more to the story than just the act of sex itself. Even more importantly - the personalities and emotions of both the man and the woman are conveyed in a very short period of time.
<snip>

I'm sorry to say, this story did nothing for me. I believe it's a classic "backclick". I read further than I normally would have, to see what was so impressive to you, Alice, but when I got to "The honey from your sex is literally soaking the insides of your thighs" it had to go.

Art, stick around the AH, read what these authors have written and pay attention. You have the imagination. The skill can be learned. Lord knows I'm not an expert, but the fine people here on the AH have taught me alot. Compare my first- Dreams of Meeting- with my favorite submission to date- Lustful Leeves Ch. 01- and you will see a marked difference.

Check out a few of my favorite authors as well. You won't be disappointed. There would be more there, if Lit space allowed, but it's a starting point.

Good Luck, Art! Welcome to the AH!

~Minx

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I think it was very serious.
He seriously wanted to get laid.

snicker...snicker...snicker...good one

 

[alice_underneath]

I'm sorry to say, this story did nothing for me. I believe it's a classic "backclick".

There's no need to apologize.

I didn't say the story would win a Pulitzer Prize. I said that it aroused me. Big difference.

If I am in the mood for fine literature, I head to Barnes & Noble. If I want to read something that turns me on, I'll look for a story on Lit.

What arouses one person would leave another cold and turn a third off completely.

Again - no need to apologize for a difference of opinion of this type.

Alice

 

[Arthog]

Thanks for all the feedback
As many of you have pointed out this was not a real attempt at producing a piece of quality writing. This was something I put together so as to have something to post; hence the errors in tense jumping and spelling errors.
I was more interested in hearing the kind of feedback one can get from this site. Pretty much a mixed bag ranging from well thought out critical appraisal down to what appears to be infantile sniping
Think I'll have to find a more appropriate area to put any real work
Thanks to all for taking the time to comment!
Art

 

[Guest]

Thanks for all the feedback
As many of you have pointed out this was not a real attempt at producing a piece of quality writing. This was something I put together so as to have something to post; hence the errors in tense jumping and spelling errors.
I was more interested in hearing the kind of feedback one can get from this site. Pretty much a mixed bag ranging from well thought out critical appraisal down to what appears to be infantile sniping
Think I'll have to find a more appropriate area to put any real work
Thanks to all for taking the time to comment!
Art

Interesting.

You tossed out some bait, didn't get the response you expected (Lit womenfolk to swoon at your feet because of your amazing erotica) so now you decide to take your keyboard and go home, first stopping to insult the lot of us on your way out.

Yes, there was some playing at your expense, but there were also well wishes, a few 'welcomes' to Literotica, some honest critique and miscellaneous helpful suggestions.

And yet you feel the need to spit on all of that. Good luck finding a more helpful forum (many of us post stories on several different sites - we know).

Don't let the door hit you on your ass as you leave.

 

[Tom Collins]

My first show at writing erotica so I would love any feedback I can get on this, especially from the ladies as women are my target audience
Following behind I can see your body move purposefully towards the door and open it. You motion me in and I saw you eyes move up and down me as I walk past. The room is dimly lit with a large bed covered in a very large duvet. The room is filled with musk and sandalwood aromas that are instantly arousing. As I stood and looked around I feel hands on my back then around to my chest. I turn and looked into your eyes. I move my hands around you and hold you close to me breathing in the wonderful scent of your hair. Kissing the top of your head I move my hands up to the nape of your neck and gently tip your head backwards. My mouth moves down to meet yours and our lips touch, gently at first then with a firm and passionate pressure.
I hold your head in my hands and kiss you harder my tongue pushing your lips open as you take it into your mouth wrapping yours around mine our bodies press hard into each other.
I feel your soft body against my hard muscular torso; it feels like you are melting into me as I hold you and my arms wrap around your entire body. Moving your hair to one side I start to kiss down your silky neck, it’s delightfully soft and smooth and I kiss gently, letting my lips drag down across your young skin. I nibble you lightly as I get to the base of your neck then suck gently at your skin. You taste so good, so arousing, and so ready.
I reach my hands to the front of your blouse and pull it up over your head, tearing buttons as I do. Lifting your hands over your head I remove it in one movement and I stand in stunned silence as I see your wonderful skin exposed to me. Turning you around I lay you back onto the bed and start to kiss your chest, across your collarbone and up to your naked shoulders. My hands are on your stomach fingers moving up to your cleavage and then back down to the top of you skirt, each time letting my fingers run just under the waistband – then back up to your chest as I kiss your neck, your face and your lips. Moving my hands behind you I unhook your bra and undress you a little further. Your breasts are large and firm and your nipples are rigid and aroused. I move down your body kissing you as I do and take one breast in my hand and massage it firmly but gently. Lower in my mouth towards you I take your nipple in my lips and squeeze it, then suck it slowly into my mouth as I flick it with my tongue. I can taste you again and realise how arousing this is, I really want you, to take you now hard and fast but I realise that to take my time will make the moment far sweeter.
I move to your other breast and lick around your nipple as I let my hands run up and down your body, up to your throat and down to your stomach. My fingers wrap around your neck and I drag my nails down your body lightly across your chest and down to your stomach, again letting my hand move a little lower under your waistband......

Ok...first thing that hits me right off the bat, babe, is that you need to decide what tense that story is in and be very careful to stick with it. The only time the tense in a story should change is if you've got a flash back sequence and I wouldn't recomend that at this juncture.
Second thing...understand that this is a personal thing for me...i really dont want to read a "I do to you" story that's been writen by a stranger. It's writen as if it should be intamate and personal but I don't know the person and they're talking about my body parts in the wrong way. It's just creepy...but that is just me and one person not liking that kind of an angle on a story should not, in any way, disuade you from going for it.
Third thing...most of the problems that I saw would be cleared up with the help of a really good editor, which you could redily find in the editor's forum.

Good luck, babe.