Feedbac request on a story that didn't quite work

[manyeyedhydra]

Hi all,

This went up last Friday:

Crushed Between her Breasts
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=355600

It was a silly idea I had for the "Crush your enemy like a grape" competition Anna_Malia started up.

The vote count has been better than I normally get, but the score is lower and I haven't received any comments yet.

The idea is obviously ridiculous and I maybe tried to play it too seriously. When rereading there were also some stylistic points that felt a little awkward. I'd appreciate some feedback to confirm where I think the weaknesses are. I'm still trying to iron out the general flaws in my writing and all that

The story is in the erotic horror section so the usual caveats apply: Something bad will happen to someone at some point.

thanks for any help
Many-Eyed Hydra

Edited straight after, nope fail, can't correct the typo on the thread heading, d'oh

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Just keep in mind that scores are lower as a whole since they changed the voting system.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

I hope no one minds if i give this a little bump (horrible typo in the title an' all)

This one nags at me because I think I screwed it up somewhere and can't quite put a finger on where.

Wrong arousal/horror balance? Too silly? Or maybe I rushed it out too quickly.

Any thoughts?

Of course these may be the same 'no comment' thoughts as when I first put the thread up. In which case please let this thread sink to the depths of ignominy it deserves

thanks

 

[tickledkitty]

Ok, first of all, I think you are introducing too many characters too quickly. I mean, just in the first section we have Nancy, Paula, and the strange woman. Then in the first few paragraphs of the next section, in addition to Nancy and Paula we have Brian, Barbara, Clive, Rob...See what I mean? Some of them may not be important, and I may not need to remember them, but I don't know that at this point. I think in a short story, the fewer characters, the better.

Nancy had never liked Brian. He was the odious little toad that had been given the job she deserved. She'd been running the small IT section of Songswan ever since Clive Little had run off to god knows where. When Rob Hambly had finally got round to filling the gap he'd put one of his old university cronies in the role instead of promoting Nancy to the job she'd effectively been doing for the past three months anyway. No, apparently girlies couldn't be allowed to work with computers in case their tiny minds exploded from the technical overload.

This seems like too much information. Unless Clive and Rob are important to the plot of the story, I don't think you should even mention their names. Also, you say Brian was given the job she deserved, then a few lines later, you say the bit about "one of his old university cronies...instead of promoting Nancy" etc. That seems a bit redundant.

All this is not horrible. It's just kind of hard to process all of it.

I notice that you switched from using double quotes to single. Is there a reason for that? I'm thinking you should just stick to double quotes throughout. That seems to be the standard.

'You made me look stupid,' he hissed in her ear. 'No cunt does that to me.'

Grasping hands came around from behind and painfully gripped her breasts with iron fingers. His erection felt more prominent as he pushed it against her leg.

'It'd be like doing it with a man,' he said in disgust, releasing her shaking body and stalking off towards the exit.

'Cross me again and I'll really fuck you up,' he said softly, before opening the door and walking back into the well-lit office.

I think you're using too many dialogue tags in this section. The third and fourth paragraphs could be combined something like this:

"It'd be like doing it with a man." He released her shaking body in disgust and stalked off towards the exit. "Cross me again, and I'll really fuck you up," he murmured as he opened the door and walked back into the well-lit office.

That way, you're not saying "he said" twice in close proximity.

I've noticed lots of places where you need commas. Their absence makes this a bit more difficult to read.

In the next section, where Erica is introduced, I'm getting that feeling of too many names being thrown at me. We have Nancy, of course. Then there are Janet and Erica. Then, further down you mention Chris, then Brian again. I think I'd leave Chris and Janet out of it. You could just say "HR rep" or something like that for Janet and "one of the programmers" or something similar for Chris. Again, if they're not important to the story, I don't want to know their names.

I've noticed two places on the first page where sentences should have ended with question marks, but you used a period instead.

He stumbled -- an accident really -- and just happened to fall against Erica. It was purely accidental that while putting out a hand to steady himself he happened to cup her breast.

Excitement surged up his wrist as his hand felt the soft globe of her breast beneath her T-shirt.

She wasn't wearing a bra!

His finger brushed against her nipple and he was surprised to find it was erect.

He apologised for his clumsiness and gave her a wink as he moved away. Erica smiled back with less than complete innocence.

I think you could combine some of this into one or two longer paragraphs. Also, in the first paragraph you use the word accident and then accidental. Again, this is redundant.

Next, not only do we have yet another character being introduced, her name begins with an E, as well. Eunice and Erica. This might add to the confusion.

Again, none of this is horrible. It's just...tedious, I guess.

You used the phrase "empty black pools" twice. I'd make sure to use descriptive phrases like that only once.

I found the part near the end a bit confusing. Again, the name thing. Except this time, you changed the names of the interns/succubi/demons, making it four names to remember for these two characters that all begin with E. Also, were the succubi? Were they demons? Is that the same thing? I just don't know.

I liked the whole idea of the story, but it just wasn't very engaging. Honestly, if I hadn't been specifically doing a critique, I don't think I'd have been able to stick with it to the end, and not because of believablity. I'd have liked to know Nancy a little better. I'd have liked to be able to root for her to get her revenge.

Wow, I didn't mean to write a book. I hope this is helpful.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Much appreciated.

The name thing is something I need to be careful of. I'll have to remember to think of it from the viewpoint of the reader sometimes. They don't have the luxury of already knowing who the main characters are when they read the first couple of paragraphs!

I notice that you switched from using double quotes to single. Is there a reason for that? I'm thinking you should just stick to double quotes throughout. That seems to be the standard.

I wanted to distinguish between the dialogue she is having with her friends from the dialogue she remembers from the incident with Brian. This whole section is a little awkward though. As much as I hate 'telling' over 'showing' I suspect I should have probably done away with her two friends and moved straight to her in the shop with a little flashback as explanation as to why she was there.

I've noticed lots of places where you need commas. Their absence makes this a bit more difficult to read.

Eek, sloppy punctuation. If you can remember where these places are i'd love to see the examples. I'm always paranoid about not getting my punctuation correct.

I found the part near the end a bit confusing. Again, the name thing. Except this time, you changed the names of the interns/succubi/demons, making it four names to remember for these two characters that all begin with E. Also, were the succubi? Were they demons? Is that the same thing? I just don't know.

Succubi are female demons, but Nancy probably wouldn't have known this and this part of the story is from her viewpoint. I should have just referred to them as demons. It would have been cleaner.

I liked the whole idea of the story, but it just wasn't very engaging. Honestly, if I hadn't been specifically doing a critique, I don't think I'd have been able to stick with it to the end, and not because of believablity. I'd have liked to know Nancy a little better. I'd have liked to be able to root for her to get her revenge.

I think the absence of comments probably meant a lot of other readers felt the same. I suspect switching viewpoints between Nancy and Brian probably didn't help. I wanted the reader to initially root for Nancy and then, like her, be shocked by both the consequences and the disproportionate nature of the revenge.

Wow, I didn't mean to write a book. I hope this is helpful.

More than helpful. Thanks for taking the time. Next time i need to remember to let the story sit on the laptop for a while before firing it off for submission

 

[windstormy]

I wanted to distinguish between the dialogue she is having with her friends from the dialogue she remembers from the incident with Brian. This whole section is a little awkward though. As much as I hate 'telling' over 'showing' I suspect I should have probably done away with her two friends and moved straight to her in the shop with a little flashback as explanation as to why she was there.

I always use italics to single out past events recalled and flashbacks. Don't know if that's correct of not. Maybe one of the more seasoned writers would have a better answer.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

I always use italics to single out past events recalled and flashbacks. Don't know if that's correct of not. Maybe one of the more seasoned writers would have a better answer.

Speaking as a reader rather than a writer, it's not always needed. Some stories are explicitly designed to confuse the reader's sense of time and space.

 

[tickledkitty]

You're welcome. I enjoy it and learn from it too.

Just scanning back over the story, I couldn't find any good examples of places where you needed a comma. Most of them were compound sentences. Any time you have two phrases that could stand alone as sentences, you need a comma or sometimes a semicolon. Otherwise, they need to be two separate sentences.

I agree with you about the POV shifts. I'm not sure why it doesn't work here. Maybe because the story is pretty short?

I think you did manage to pull off the shock of the consequences for Nancy. I thought that was a nice touch. However, if I had gotten to know Nancy a little better, I think I'd have felt more empathy for her at that point.