Feed Back On New Story

[BJ]

Just wanted to let interested readers know that I have posted a new story. Took me long enough. It's called Dean's Summer Dream.

 

[Hotcappucino]

Watch your punctuation and spelling. For example:

"Come on Dean.," One of my friends I think it was Harry said, "Your mom is one hot looking woman, I wouldn't mind getting her naked." I can still see the leering look on his face like he ment it.

Should be:

"Come on, Dean," one of my friends, I think it was Harry, said. "You're mom is one hot looking woman. I wouldn't mind getting her naked." I can still see the leering look on his face like he meant it.

There's many instances throughout the story where you use a comma and period together when you shouldn't. I know it sounds nit-pickey, but proper spelling and punctuation is a major pet peeve for a lot of readers and many won't even finish a story if the grammar, spelling or punctuation is really bad, no matter how good the storyline.

Learn how to keep paragraphs confined to a single idea. For example, the third paragraph is too long and needs to be broken up.

I would probably have used something other than the phrase "demented dream" to describe the first sexual encounter. To me, a "demented dream" has a negative connotation, that is, something unpleasant. It didn't seem from his experience that it was unpleasant, only strange.

Storyline is good. I would just take some time to polish it a little more. You can always edit it and resubmit.

 

[BJ]

Thanks for the reply

Thanks for the input.

 

[cahab]

"Come on, Dean," one of my friends, I think it was Harry, said. "You're mom is one hot looking woman. I wouldn't mind getting her naked." I can still see the leering look on his face like he meant it.

Sorry, H, but I couldn't let that one pass. You're mom would be a contraction of 'you are mom' which doesn't make sense. The original was correct.

 

[Hotcappucino]

Oops, you're quite right! Now, how did that little brain fade get by...