Favourite Comedy Quotes

[scumbag]

Red Dwarf IV

LISTER
Kryten, I'm gonna teach you how to lie and
cheat if it's the last thing I do. I want
you to be unpleasant, cruel, and sarcastic;
it's the only way to break your programming,
man -- make you independent!

KRYTEN
Well, I'm truly grateful, sir. Don't you
think I'd love to be deceitful, unpleasant,
and offensive? Those are the human qualities
I admire the most!

 

[scumbag]

John Cleese's tribute to Graham Chapman

This is John Cleese's eulogy from Graham Chapmans funeral.

"Graham Chapman, co-author of the 'Parrot Sketch,' is no more.

He has ceased to be, bereft of life, he rests in peace, he has kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the Great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky, and I guess that we're all thinking how sad it is that a man of such talent, such capability and kindness, of such intelligence should now be so suddenly spirited away at the age of only forty-eight, before he'd achieved many of the things of which he was capable, and before he'd had enough fun.

Well, I feel that I should say, "Nonsense. Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard! I hope he fries. " And the reason I think I should say this is, he would never forgive me if I didn't, if I threw away this opportunity to shock you all on his behalf. Anything for him but mindless good taste. I could hear him whispering in my ear last night as I was writing this:

"Alright, Cleese, you're very proud of being the first person to ever say 'shit' on television. If this service is really for me, just for starters, I want you to be the first person ever at a British memorial service to say 'fuck'!"

You see, the trouble is, I can't. If he were here with me now I would probably have the courage, because he always emboldened me. But the truth is, I lack his balls, his splendid defiance. And so I'll have to content myself instead with saying 'Betty Mardsen...'

But Bolder and less inhibited spirits than me follow today. Jones and Idle, Gilliam and Palin. Heaven knows what the next hour will bring in Graham's name. Trousers Dropping, blasphemers on pogo sticks, spectacular displays of high-speed farting, synchronised incest. One of the four is planning to stuff a dead ocelot and a 1922 Remington typewriter up his own arse to the sound of the second movement of Elgar's cello concerto. And that's in the first half.

Because you see, Gray would have wanted it this way. Really. Anything for him but mindless good taste. And that's what I'll always remember about him---apart, of course, from his Olympian extravagance. He was the prince of bad taste. He loved to shock. In fact, Gray, more than anyone I knew, embodied and symbolised all that was most offensive and juvenile in Monty Python.

 

[scumbag]

Rodney Rude

This woman had a baby and it was born without any eyelids! The doctor said "don't worry about a thing we haven't circumsized him yet we'll use the extra skin to give him a set of eyelids" The woman said " What he'll be cockeyed" the doctor said "Think of the foresight he'll have"

 

[bertrande]

It wasn't sex - it was goood......


Kirstie Alley - can't remember the name of the movie, but Kirstie Alley's character had been having an affair with her brother-in-law and she was at his funeral when she said it.

 

[scumbag]

Monty Python and the Holy Grail - Avalon

FROG: How you English say: I one more time, mac, I unclog my nose towards you, sons of a window-dresser, so, you think you could out-clever us French fellows with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing behaviour. (blows a raspberry) I wave my private parts at your aunties, you brightly-coloured, mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling, electric donkey-bottom biters.

By this time ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and GALAHAD have reached the door. ARTHUR bangs on the door.

ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle.

Jeering from the battlements.

FROG: No chance, English bed-wetting types. We burst our pimples at you, and call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!

 

[mortalwombat]

Flying High (Airplane!)

One of my all time favourite movies is Flying High as it was called in Australia. The rest of the world called it Airplane!. So as a bump for the thread I thought it was time to share a few quotes from that movie.

Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen): Captain, how soon can you land?
Capt. Clarence Oveur (Peter Graves: I can't tell.
Dr. Rumack: You can tell me, I'm a doctor.
Capt. Clarence Oveur: No, I mean, I'm just not sure.
Dr. Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
Capt. Clarence Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Dr. Rumack: You can't take a guess "for another two hours"?
Capt. Clarence Oveur: No, no, no, I mean we can't land for another two hours.

 

[scumbag]

Lumber Jack Song

Time to resurrect this thread

BARBER:
I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.


MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
BARBER:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.


BARBER:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
BARBER:
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra?!
[talking]
What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!
[singing]
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day

 

[mortalwombat]

Stripes

John Winger (Bill Murry): We're all very different people. We're not Watusi, we're not Spartans, we're Americans. With a capital "A", huh? And you know what that means? Do you? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts.

 

[mortalwombat]

Rat Race

Fantastic movie this one-get it if you haven't seen it! stars john cleese, seth green, rowan atkinson, jon lovitz, kathy najimy, whoopi goldberg, cuba goodding junior-the list goes on!

Bev Pear (Kathy Najimy): Your daughter has to go to the bathroom!
Randy Pear (John Lovitz): All right, all right, Jason, look in the back for an empty jar.
Bev Pear: A jar? Girls don't pee in jars.
Randy Pear: Oh, right. Sorry. Jason, we're gonna need a jar and a funnel.

 

[foofoo416]

Addams Family Values

Ok, I know this is a kid's movie, but I laugh every damn time it's on. It still kills me. I know there are many others, and much better, but I find myself leaving it on every time I see it. I like it better than the original, which is rare for sequels.

Fester: I'm her husband.
Debbie: Fester, shut it!
Fester: Gimme a kiss!
Debbie: Gimme a twenty.
---------------------------------

Morticia: You have enslaved him with sex...I can respect that. But Debbie...pastels?

 

[foofoo416]

Clerks

Ok, full of quotes, but I'll be nice and just do one


"She'll get over fucking a dead guy. My mom's been fucking a dead guy for thirty years. I call him Dad."

 

[Raidho]

I had put Rat Race on my to-see list, but somehow lost track of it.

I think I'll check it out next time I get a chance

And Clerks. Jeez. Love that movie, love KS, period. Dogma has to be one of my all-time favorite movies.

Holy Bartender!

 

[foofoo416]

I had put Rat Race on my to-see list, but somehow lost track of it.

I think I'll check it out next time I get a chance

And Clerks. Jeez. Love that movie, love KS, period. Dogma has to be one of my all-time favorite movies.

Holy Bartender!

LOL! Yes, all hail KS! Did you see the preview for Clerks 2? Awesome! They all go work at Mooby's!

 

[Slow Ride469]

"if you can't fix it with Duct Tape,it's fuckin' broke"

 

[mortalwombat]

addams family

Ok, I know this is a kid's movie, but I laugh every damn time it's on. It still kills me. I know there are many others, and much better, but I find myself leaving it on every time I see it. I like it better than the original, which is rare for sequels.

Fester: I'm her husband.
Debbie: Fester, shut it!
Fester: Gimme a kiss!
Debbie: Gimme a twenty.
---------------------------------

Morticia: You have enslaved him with sex...I can respect that. But Debbie...pastels?

funnily enough i haven't seen this one-saw the first movie and enjoyed it but havent seen the sequel-strange really. I dug out a couple from the original series which i loved as a kid!

Pugsley: Mother! Father! Wednesday's flown the coop!
Gomez: Talk sense boy.
Pugsley: She's run away from home.
Gomez: Really? Very adventurous spirit. I didn't run away from home until I was eight.
Morticia: That's ridiculous.
Pugsley: She even left a note. I helped her write it.
[Hands note to Morticia]
Morticia: [reading] "Dear Mother and Father, I hate you. Love, Wednesday. P.S. Don't bother looking for me because I'm not anywhere. Goodbye, W."

and:
Gomez: Now, if you'll observe, my dear, croquet is a combination of TWO things: balance, timing, peripheral vision, superb coordination, and a killer's instinct!

and lastly:
Morticia: Think of Romeo and Juliet.
Gomez: They died!
Morticia: Oh, but what fun they had those last three days.

hope you enjoy them!

 

[foofoo416]

funnily enough i haven't seen this one-saw the first movie and enjoyed it but havent seen the sequel-strange really. I dug out a couple from the original series which i loved as a kid!

Pugsley: Mother! Father! Wednesday's flown the coop!
Gomez: Talk sense boy.
Pugsley: She's run away from home.
Gomez: Really? Very adventurous spirit. I didn't run away from home until I was eight.
Morticia: That's ridiculous.
Pugsley: She even left a note. I helped her write it.
[Hands note to Morticia]
Morticia: [reading] "Dear Mother and Father, I hate you. Love, Wednesday. P.S. Don't bother looking for me because I'm not anywhere. Goodbye, W."

and:
Gomez: Now, if you'll observe, my dear, croquet is a combination of TWO things: balance, timing, peripheral vision, superb coordination, and a killer's instinct!

and lastly:
Morticia: Think of Romeo and Juliet.
Gomez: They died!
Morticia: Oh, but what fun they had those last three days.

hope you enjoy them!

LOL, that's great! Seriously, you should check out the sequel. I love it!

 

[Raidho]

I *loved* the Addams Family.

John Astin was fantastic.

funnily enough i haven't seen this one-saw the first movie and enjoyed it but havent seen the sequel-strange really. I dug out a couple from the original series which i loved as a kid!

Pugsley: Mother! Father! Wednesday's flown the coop!
Gomez: Talk sense boy.
Pugsley: She's run away from home.
Gomez: Really? Very adventurous spirit. I didn't run away from home until I was eight.
Morticia: That's ridiculous.
Pugsley: She even left a note. I helped her write it.
[Hands note to Morticia]
Morticia: [reading] "Dear Mother and Father, I hate you. Love, Wednesday. P.S. Don't bother looking for me because I'm not anywhere. Goodbye, W."

and:
Gomez: Now, if you'll observe, my dear, croquet is a combination of TWO things: balance, timing, peripheral vision, superb coordination, and a killer's instinct!

and lastly:
Morticia: Think of Romeo and Juliet.
Gomez: They died!
Morticia: Oh, but what fun they had those last three days.

hope you enjoy them!

 

[Raidho]

LOL! Yes, all hail KS! Did you see the preview for Clerks 2? Awesome! They all go work at Mooby's!

I can't imagine it topping Clerks, really. I had heard he's coming out with C2, but haven't seen the preview.

 

[mortalwombat]

LOL, that's great! Seriously, you should check out the sequel. I love it!

i will-i hear the 2nd sequel was crap tho.

I *loved* the Addams Family.

John Astin was fantastic

John Astin is always fantastic-i remember he had a re-occuring role in nightcourt many years ago-and do you remember him playing the riddler in batman in the 60's?

from nightcourt
Buddy Ryan (John Astin): With friends like these, who needs hallucinations?

 

[Raidho]

Wombat,

Can't say that I remember him from Batman or Nightcourt (Never really saw either), but I do seem to remember him having guest spots on some show? And he seemed very Gomez-ish, which made me think that he defined the character.

Because, IMO, he definitely defined the show. I loved his and Morticia's "romantic talk."

 

[foofoo416]

Wombat,

Can't say that I remember him from Batman or Nightcourt (Never really saw either), but I do seem to remember him having guest spots on some show? And he seemed very Gomez-ish, which made me think that he defined the character.

Because, IMO, he definitely defined the show. I loved his and Morticia's "romantic talk."

I remember him on Night Court. He was great. Loved him in the Addams series too. "Tish! You spoke French!"

 

[mortalwombat]

Wombat,

Can't say that I remember him from Batman or Nightcourt (Never really saw either), but I do seem to remember him having guest spots on some show? And he seemed very Gomez-ish, which made me think that he defined the character.

Because, IMO, he definitely defined the show. I loved his and Morticia's "romantic talk."

he made appearences in murder she wrote and the loveboat and stuff like that-starred in all the "attack of the killer tomato's" sequels-but not in the original if i remember right. he's done voices in various cartoons. just looked it up-he was in episodes of the nanny and step by step as well. theres other stuff there i dont know-being in australia alot of shows we either dont get, only have on cable, or are on so late no one watches!

 

[mortalwombat]

I remember him on Night Court. He was great. Loved him in the Addams series too. "Tish! You spoke French!"

more from the series
Gomez: I'm quite proud of Mrs. Addams' hothouse. She's raised these plants from tiny weeds.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gomez: Somebody... down there... likes me!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morticia: [to Gomez] I've been yours since that first day you carved my initials in your leg.

 

[mortalwombat]

Get Smart

Another old favourite of mine is Get Smart. I just read that there is a new mivie coming out with Steve Carrol playing Maxwell Smart. He might just be able to do it to. With this in mind I thought a few from the original series might be in order.

Chief(Edward Platt) : There's no telling where they'll be able to infiltrate next. May be even the Pentagon.
Maxwell Smart (Don Adams): You're right, Chief. But even if they do get a man into the Pentagon, that's not saying he'll be able to get out. I remember one of our own agents was lost in there for three days.
Chief: Three days? Max, no agent could be that confused.
Maxwell Smart: Well, let me see. I went in on a Friday...

Agent 99 (Barbara Feldon): You're not taking me on this assignment, are you, Max?
Maxwell Smart: No, I'm not.
Agent 99: But, Max, this is the biggest case that's ever been given to Control, it could mean the end of the world.
Maxwell Smart: If it's going to mean the end of the world, I want to make sure that you're all right

Maxwell Smart: I'm sorry I'm late, Chief, but I was stuck in the car for almost twenty minutes.
Chief: I know, 86. The traffic.
Maxwell Smart: No, the seat belt. I can never get that darn thing unbuckled.

I might have more later-hope you enjoy!