Favourite Comedy Quotes

[scumbag]

I have seen a lot of dedicated comedy threads for Monty Python etc. and thought one where people could quote their favourite comedy lines or sketches from any show would be fun. So amuse us all with your quips!

One to start it off.

Blackadder the Second, Episode Six – Chains

L: = Prince Ludwig the Indestructible
M: = Lord Melchett

L: Lord Melchett, we meet again.
M: No, I don't think we've had the pleasure...
L: You do not recognise me, then?
M: No...
L: Let me refresh your memory. You remember when you were in Cornwall; at the monastery, there was an old shepherd with whom you used to talk.
M: Good Lord! Dimkins?
L: Yes! I was one of his sheep.
M: One of his sheep? Not...?
L: Yes!
M: Flossy?
L: Yes!
M: But didn't we...? (waves his hands in an exchanging fashion)
L: Yes, Lord Melchett! BBBAAAAA!

 

[scumbag]

The Bruce's

Being a Bruce from Australia I have to include this one

Monty Python's Flying Circus

Everybruce: G'day!
Michael: Hello.
Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.
First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce?
Michael: No, it's Michael.
Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.
Third Bruce: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear?
Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer.
First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!
Everybruce: Amen!
Fourth Bruce: Crack tubes! (Sound of cans opening) Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty.
Second Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommey bastard to God's own Earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here.
Everybruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!
Fourth Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge of the sheep dip.
Third Bruce: What's New-Bruce going to teach?
Fourth Bruce: New-Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and Benaud.
Second Bruce: Those are all cricketers!
Fourth Bruce: Aww, spit!
Third Bruce: Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce!
Everybruce: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen!
Fourth Bruce:Bruce: Crack tube! (Sound of cans opening) Any questions?
Second Bruce: New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?
Fourth Bruce: Are you a Poofter?
Michael: No!
Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One!
Everybruce: No Poofters!
Fourth Bruce: Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?
Everybruce: No Poofters!!
Fourth Bruce: Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking. Rule Five,
Everybruce: No Poofters!
Fourth Bruce: Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six. Rule Seven,
Everybruce: No Poofters!!
Fourth Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.
First Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.
Everybruce: Amen!

 

[Quoll]

Red Dwarf

Rimmer: So what happens now? How... (sighs) how do I die?
Cassandra: Lister catches you making love to Kochanski and shoots you through the head with a harpoon gun.
Rimmer: [Slowly becomes stunned] Can you just double-check that?
Cassandra: I've seen it. It's what happens in the old laundry room.
Rimmer: So let me repeat what I think you're saying. Arnold, that's me, and Kochanski, that's the woman, the really attractive one you saw earlier; me and her are in bed giving it rizz, when Lister, that's the short dumpy one with the stupid haircut, walks in and shoots me through the head while I'm making love to Kochanski.
Cassandra: That is what's going to happen.
Rimmer: FANTASTIC.

 

[scumbag]

Gotta Love Red Dwarf

" Oh, screw down my diodes and call me Frank! "
- Kryten

 

[scumbag]

Kevin Bloody Wilson - A Christmas Song

Some Aussie humour!

Hey Santa claus you cunt!
Where's me fucking bike?
I've unwrapped all this other junk and there's nothing that I like.
I wrote you a fucking letter and I come to see you twice
Ya worn out geriatric fart, you forgot me fucking bike.
If I wanted a pair of bloody thongs, I'd have bloody asked.
And this cowboy suit and ping pong set you can shove right up your arse!
You've stuffed me bloody order up
It's enough to make you spew
And I'm not the only one who's snakey
Me sisters dirty too!
(female voice)
Hey santa clause you cunt!
Where's me fucking pram?
You promised me you'd bring me one, you remember who I am.
'Cause I'm the little girl who you made sit right on your hand
I'll give you fucking ho ho ho
You forgot me fucking pram
(male voice)
Next time I come to see ya, I'm gonna punch you in the guts
And I'll let your fucking reihndeer go and kick Rudolf in the nuts!
You just wait 'till next year, when you go to that store
And me and me little sister, come stomping through the door
And we'll say, yeah you wait for it
Hey mums and dads you smell his breath and check his bloodshot eyes
And don't listen to him boys and girls 'cause he tells fucking lies
He's just a piss tank and a pervert, and he's not even very bright
'Cause the old fucking wanker Forgot me fucking bike.
You wait you old cunt, I'm gonna dob you in
Tell me old man on you, he's gonna punch your fucking lights out
"I saw mummy sucking santa clause"

 

[pleasteasme]

"Oh, Behave!" ~ Austin Powers

Yeah baby, Yeah!

 

[Quoll]

Hitchhikers Guide

Did I say something wrong? Sorry, pardon me for breathing which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it oh God I'm so depressed.

 

[scumbag]

The Jerk - Steve Martin

Mother: Feeling different again, huh?
Navin: It's like I feel different. It's like I don't belong here.
Mother: It's your birthday, and it's time you knew. Navin, you're
not our natural born child.
Navin: I'm not?
Mother: You were left on our doorstep. But we raised you like you
were one of us.
Navin: You mean I'm going to stay this color? (Navin cries)
Mother: Navin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboons
ass.

 

[scumbag]

Monty Python and the Holy Grail - The Black Knight

BLACK KNIGHT: I'll do you for that.
ARTHUR: You'll what ... ?
BLACK KNIGHT: Come Here.
ARTHUR: What are you going to do. bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
ARTHUR: You're a looney.
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!
ARTHUR takes his last leg off. The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright.
BLACK KNIGHT: All right, we'll call it a draw.
ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
ARTHUR and PATSY start to cross the bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Running away eh? You yellow bastard, Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

 

[mortalwombat]

" me fail english? thats unpossible!" ralph wiggum, the simpsons

 

[scumbag]

Rodney Rude

This is an Aussie stand up comedian...and Narrara was a weekend long concert just so you know what he is on about.

I was up at Narrara a few months back, pissing down rain it was awful. There was nothing much to do but hide and get out of the rain and that and I didnt have a place to stay....but I met a really ugly lesbian who had a tent. She couldnt get any girls to root her because she was so ugly. As soon as I looked at her I got a soft-on!
She was so ugly - crowd "How Ugly!"
She used to have a job in a cake shop, they used to push her face into the dough to make gorilla biscuits!
She was so ugly - crowd "How Ugly!"
If you woke up in a motel room and your arm was under her head, you wouldnt wake her up youd chew your own arm off! Dingo Ugly!
crowd "How Ugly!"
So anyway after I fucked her, cause I'd fuck a black snake with a pheasant arse if you held it's head....only if you held it's head.
So anyway were laying in the tent and she lets of a fart that would bring tears to your eyes ...Bllluuuuuurp... 1 - Nil she says. Five minutes later she lets off another ...bllluuuuurp... 2 - Nil she says. I wondered what she was doing so I said "Why are you farting like that and then yelling out the score" She says " Well there's nothing much to do so I though we'd have a farting competition". So I thought I'll give this bastard a run for her money, so I rip one off ...bllluuuuurp... 2 - 1 I says, I rips off another ...bllluuuuurp... 2 - All I says. She say's "Your Fuckin' Good"
She tries really hard ....bllluuuuurp... Ahhhhhhh she shit the bed, blew her whistle, said "Half time change sides"

 

[Xstatic]

Another one from Blackadder II...

Blackadder: Right Baldrick, let's try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?

Baldrick: Some beans.

Blackadder: Yes... and no. Let's try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make?

Baldrick: A very small casserole.

Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?

Baldrick: Three.

Blackadder: What?

Baldrick: ...and that one.

Blackadder: Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?

Baldrick: Oh. Some beans.

Blackadder: Yes. To you Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?

 

[scumbag]

Blackadder: Right Baldrick, let's try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?

Baldrick: Some beans.

Blackadder: Yes... and no. Let's try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make?

Baldrick: A very small casserole.

Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?

Baldrick: Three.

Blackadder: What?

Baldrick: ...and that one.

Blackadder: Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?

Baldrick: Oh. Some beans.

Blackadder: Yes. To you Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?

LMAO - Good One

 

[australwind]

I like it!

 

[scumbag]

Monty Python and the Holy Grail - Castle Anthrax

GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?
DINGO: Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment .. you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her. Come!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you may deal with her as you like and then ... spank me.
AMAZING: And spank me!
STUNNER: And me.
LOVELY: And me.
DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS: A spanking. A spanking. There is going to be a spanking tonight.
DINGO: And after the spanking ... the oral sex.
GALAHAD: Oh, dear! Well, I...
GIRLS: The oral sex ... The oral sex.
GALAHAD: Well, I suppose I could stay a BIT longer.

 

[pleasteasme]

GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?
DINGO: Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment .. you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her. Come!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you may deal with her as you like and then ... spank me.
AMAZING: And spank me!
STUNNER: And me.
LOVELY: And me.
DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS: A spanking. A spanking. There is going to be a spanking tonight.
DINGO: And after the spanking ... the oral sex.
GALAHAD: Oh, dear! Well, I...
GIRLS: The oral sex ... The oral sex.
GALAHAD: Well, I suppose I could stay a BIT longer.

I need to re-watch that!!! *giggles* good one!

 

[JagFarlane]

Do you know how to use that thing?
Yes...pointy end goes into the other man

Mask of Zorro

 

[scumbag]

I need to re-watch that!!! *giggles* good one!

Is one of my favourite films, but hey you guys have Spamalot! I would love to see that especially with Tim Curry in it.

 

[College_geek]

This was from Ellen Degeneres' most recent HBO special. This was when she was talking about Go-gurt and how it was a dumb idea because yogurt doesn't have mobility problems. This was an example of if it did. (Funnier to hear her say it, but I love it anyway. ^_^)


"Hello?..Oh, hi Tom. Ooh, I've been dying to see that movie...Mmm no, I just opened up some yogurt. I am in for the night....Not even later, it's the kind with the fruit on the bottom. Thanks anyway. Have fun."

 

[scumbag]

Do you know how to use that thing?
Yes...pointy end goes into the other man

Mask of Zorro

Havent seen that but I love the quote!

 

[scumbag]

Rowan Atkinson Live

No One called Jones: From Rowan Atkinson: LIVE

[Setting: Rowan stands at a classroom podium, a stern teacher]

Come on, settle down please. Answer your names. Anus. Arsebandit.
Bottom. Clitoris. Where are you, Clitoris? Dodo. Enema. Fistup.
Come on, grow up please. Genital. I'm sorry, Genital. Herpes.
Still with us I see. Imadick. Imadick! Enema, you know Imadick
don't you?

Jaculation. Myprick. Has anybody seen Myprick? Come on! Somebody
must have seen Myprick! Very well. Remind me to beat Myprick a bit
later. Nicenquick. Ontop. Pube. Ahhh, Myprick! So nice of you to
turn up. Yes. Well now that you are here Myprick, perhaps you'd like
to find a seat. Bottom, squeeze Myprick in there somewhere will you?

Rigid. Our Russian exchange student, Suckmeof. Tightfit. Upyours.
Vulva. Yourprick. And Zipper. Zipper? Absent.

Now boys, the headmaster has asked me to speak to you this morning
on the subject of smut. All mmbers of staff have noticed an alarming
increase of the use of silly humour and purile inuendo about the
school. Rigid, Fistup, Bottom, Out!

There have been some disgusting doodlings on the walls of the
lavatories. Sit up straight Ontop. One or two unpleasant health
magazines have been found. If you fall asleep Ontop, I shall be VERY
annoyed. And Mr Hardon tells me that there has been a great deal of
sniggerin in his biology class. Tightfit, for heaven's sake, leave
Yourprick alone! I don't care, Yourprick had no business poking
into your desk in the first place.

I will not put up with this kind of behaviour boys, and neither,
must I warn you will Mr. Gripbighardcock. This is a school for
the sons of gentlemen, and the theory is that someday you will
become a gentleman too. That is with the exception of Genital, who
appears to be turning into a ferrett. So there will be an end to
this second form toilet humour where so much conversation is
devoted to smutty double entendre. Dodo Suckmeof Nicenquick,
detention Saturday. Right, I'm going to the staff room now,
and when I come back, if I catch Herpes in the corridor like the
headmaster did yesterday, then there'll be trouble!

 

[bertrande]

Grreeeeeaaaaaaaattttttt thread Scummie - woohoo

 

[scumbag]

Grreeeeeaaaaaaaattttttt thread Scummie - woohoo

Thanks Miss 'B'

 

[scumbag]

Baldrick from Blackadder

I have a cunning plan!

To those that have seen it they will know what I mean

 

[Xstatic]

A couple more from Blackadder II

Just because I can

Blackadder: Baldrick, get the door.
[there is a crash and Baldrick enters with the door]
Blackadder: Now, Baldrick, I advise you to make whatever explanation you are about to give exceptionally good.
Baldrick: You said get the door.
Blackadder: Not good enough, you're fired.
Baldrick: But I've been in your family since 1557.
Blackadder: So has syphilis. Now get out.

Blackadder: Aah, and who is Jane?
Lord Percy: I'm sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know.
[Blackadder kicks Lord Percy in the crotch]
Ooh, ouch... Jane Herrington. We're very much in love, my lord.
Blackadder: This is *the* Jane Herrington?
Lord Percy: Yes.
Blackadder: Jane "bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin" Herrington?
Lord Percy: I... , I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons.
Blackadder: No... Tall, blond, elegant?
Lord Percy: Right, that's right.
Blackadder: Goes like a privy door when the plague's in town?