Father of daughters

[oggbashan]

In a few days I will reach one of those significant birthdays with a zero on the end, or as Og with three zeros.

It will be the occasion of a family gathering and I will get presents for which I will be suitably grateful (and surprised).

I want to recognise this significant milestone by writing a letter to my three daughters who will be 28, 25 and 23. Some older members of the AH may remember the text of my speech at my youngest daughter’s wedding.

The letter will not be fatherly advice. I give that only when asked and on the specific subject. I make it clear that they can choose to disregard my advice without offending me.

I have drafted the letter. The main subject is that I love my daughters for WHO they are and that I haven’t told them often enough that I do love them and why. It is not an easy letter to write. It will be one letter to all three because I want to avoid comparisons.

So now I am seeking serious (and perhaps not so serious) advice from my friends the AH. (not 'my friends on the AH', but all those who participate here. In some sense you are all 'my friends')

What would you have liked your father to say to you?

What did your father say to you that you appreciated?

What should your father have said but didn’t?

Og

 

[minsue]

Wow. Lots of answers to all 3 of those questions. Late for work, though.

I'm very curious to see the replies you get.

- Mindy

 

[Guest]

Og,

This is a wonderful thing for you to do, and I know, for a fact, that your daughters will appreciate anything you have to say to them. If only my Dad would.

I would love my Dad to say the following to me:

Katie, I love you. I am proud of you. I am proud of the person you have grown into, and seeing you smile melts my heart. All I have ever wanted is for you to be happy. I wish I could take away any pain you have ever experienced, but I can't do that. What I can do is be here for you; to give you hugs and be that pillar of strength and support, whenever you need me.

He did once tell me that I am the best daughter he could have ever wished for. He said I am a good person and he appreciates the way I am always there for him and Mum. I can't express how good that made me feel.

Sorry, can't add any more than that right now. I'll have a bit more of a think and maybe PM you.

Lou

 

[oggbashan]

Thank you for the replies and PMs so far.

One of my daughters just rang me. That reminded me that I ought to add a postscript to the remark about fatherly advice.

I am as likely to ask my daughters for advice as they are to ask for advice from me. I just did and got some specific and useful remarks.

Og

 

[herecomestherain]

Lovely thing to do Ogg. My father and I were very , very close when I was a child, I used to spend all my time in the garden or garage with him "helping" and were still close now. One of my favourite things about my Dad is that he taught me how to do stuff like fix things and grow things. I have two older brothers who weren't terribly interested in the kind of things he loved and loves to do.

He paid me the oddest compliment a few years ago when we were building a chicken coop with my husband, he told my husband about how as a little girl I spent so much time with him outdoors, he descibed me as the son he never had. He meant no disrespect to my brothers but it was an acknowledgement of the interests we had and continue to have in common and how important that is to him.



Cheers 'rain

 

[cloudy]

Oh my, Og, this brings up some memories.....some good, and some not so.

I always felt that no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough for my dad - I always felt he thought I could have done better. Maybe its that thing dad's have about their youngest daughter being perfect, I dunno.

Just once I would have liked to have heard that I had delighted him with my accomplishments.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Dear Og,

Happy Birthday (to be)! I don't really think you can go wrong here. It's obvious just from your initial post how much you adore your daughters, but it sounds like you want it to mean a great deal. That is admirable and I love the idea.

My father and I are very close and have always been. I've never known highs higher than the times he beamed with love and pride over my accomplishments, nor have I ever felt lower than the times I had disappointed him. (Thankfully they have been few so far.)

The thing my Dad has always done that gets to me is telling me how proud he is of me as a person. He's somehow able to make me believe that he's removed all fatherly bias and is speaking to me as he would a friend or employee. He's an intense business person and demands the most of his employees and friends. So hearing this from him moves me up into the highest of his good graces and always makes me feel that I'm on the right track. It gives me the feeling that I'm seizing the opportunities that he worked so hard to provide and that I'm handling myself in a way that he admires.

I'm fortunate in that there has never been a doubt in my mind how much he loves me. Even during times of disappointment and anger, the love has remained as intense as I've always remembered it. So hearing that I am becoming/have become the woman he always knew I could be and hoped I would be, is absolutely the most wonderful feeling there is. Hopefully this applies to all of your girls, but I don't think you can go wrong with anything you say.

Good luck,
~lucky

 

[damppanties]

What would you have liked your father to say to you?

What did your father say to you that you appreciated?

What should your father have said but didn’t?

Lovely gesture, Og.

I'm the same age as your youngest daughter. In all of these years, I've had a very intense relationship with my dad. In most ways I am like him, stubborn, sometimes detached to the point of being aloof, determined... too many things to say here. When I think about it now, I want to be like him. I admire him immensely and he has always been like the ideal father to have. I'm lucky.

We never had an open relationship. He never told me "I love you" in so many words but I know he does. He has pampered me and has always given importance to my views on any subject, protected me, stood by me.

I don't really know how I'd react to a letter from my father. He and I are not ones for open demonstrations of affection.

Recently he said something which choked me up in a nice sort of a way ... he told my mother something like "I have the confidence in her to let her make her own choices and I know she will do well. She's intelligent." This was when my mom was doubting my capability to do some of the things I was trying to do in future. It touched me deeply.

Sorry can't help more but I know you'll do well. Just the thought is beautiful and I'm sure your daighters will love you for it. Thanks so much for the opportunity to reflect upon some things here.

 

[neonlyte]

Ogg

I talk to my daughter almost every day, she is rapidly approaching the age of your middle girl. We have reached the stage where I seek her advice on matters important to me. She is a joy and a treasure, I'm graced by the warmth of her love.

Advising her is another matter, I long since abandoned any attempt, though she will call me from time to time, ask my opinion, mainly to confirm that her boy friend had got it right.

NL

 

[Colleen Thomas]

I'm proud of you honey. I love you.

Any words beyond those will be icing. To know my dad loves me & resoects me was perhaps the most significant thing he ever said to me.

-Colly

 

[Guest]

My father died when I was ten. What I still appreciate and miss, 47 years later, is that he treated me like a special person, vs. a child. He saw my worth and always made me feel visible and alive. He made me believe I was beautiful. I felt loved and safe. I could not have asked more from him but that he not die so young.

I am sure your daughters have received all this from you Ogg, just keep giving to them. And from me personally, let 'em know they're very fortunate and not to take You for granted.

Perdita

 

[rgraham666]

What would you have liked your father to say to you?

I love you and respect who you are. It will never happen.

What did your father say to you that you appreciated?

I appreciated his silence since he rarely had anything nice to say.

What should your father have said but didn’t?

Og

See question 1.

 

[oggbashan]

Re: Re: Father of daughters

I love you and respect who you are. It will never happen.


I appreciated his silence since he rarely had anything nice to say.


See question 1.

Ouch!

Og

 

[sweetnpetite]

the most important thing.

I think the main thing all parents want to hear from their children is that they are appreciated; and the main thing that all children want to hear from their parents is that they are proud of them.

The greatest thing my dad could ever say to me is the very simple and straightfoward - "I'm proud of you kiddo" Sometimes with all of the effort expended trying to push kids to be better, you can inadvertantly give them the idea that nothing that they do is ever good enough. So a simple statement that you are satisfied with the way they turned out (God looked at all he had created and called it Good...) is probably just the biggest thing that we as children seek and desire (even if we don't realize it).

In a few days I will reach one of those significant birthdays with a zero on the end, or as Og with three zeros.

It will be the occasion of a family gathering and I will get presents for which I will be suitably grateful (and surprised).

I want to recognise this significant milestone by writing a letter to my three daughters who will be 28, 25 and 23. Some older members of the AH may remember the text of my speech at my youngest daughter’s wedding.

The letter will not be fatherly advice. I give that only when asked and on the specific subject. I make it clear that they can choose to disregard my advice without offending me.

I have drafted the letter. The main subject is that I love my daughters for WHO they are and that I haven’t told them often enough that I do love them and why. It is not an easy letter to write. It will be one letter to all three because I want to avoid comparisons.

So now I am seeking serious (and perhaps not so serious) advice from my friends the AH. (not 'my friends on the AH', but all those who participate here. In some sense you are all 'my friends')

What would you have liked your father to say to you?

What did your father say to you that you appreciated?

What should your father have said but didn’t?

Og

 

[sweetnpetite]

Oh my, Og, this brings up some memories.....some good, and some not so.

I always felt that no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough for my dad - I always felt he thought I could have done better. Maybe its that thing dad's have about their youngest daughter being perfect, I dunno.

Just once I would have liked to have heard that I had delighted him with my accomplishments.

My dad's like that too. And not one for emotional displays. I got a card once at christmas that said something like, "I love you, and we've all been thinking about you" and my eyes started to tear up. That's emotional coming from him!

I'm the oldest (girl) and my dad shows he cares in a variety of ways (sending me money, bringing me groceries), but I never get the impression that he's *proud* of me, more that he's still waiting for me to get my life straightened out. I feel his love, but not his approval.

 

[sweetnpetite]

Too true.

I'm proud of you honey. I love you.

Any words beyond those will be icing.
-Colly

 

[Sabledrake]

I envy your daughters, Og.

My parents have both grown so flaky over the years that they've basically estranged themselves from their kids, grandkids, and indeed the entire family.

Sabledrake

 

[rgraham666]

I shouldn't be too hard on my dad. He was out of his depth as a father.

He never had the chance to learn anything about rasing a family, because his mother was the same way.

And her father, who I met, was also a miserable person.

I don't know how far back it went, but it shows that heredity is not necessarily genetics alone.

 

[SeaCat]

Og, I can't answer for your daughters. (I have the wrong plumbing to even think of answering for them.) However I can remember the most meaningfull coment he ever gave concerning me. He told an ex-Army buddy of his. "I trust him with more than my life. I trust him with my honor."
That to me meant more than any other praise i have ever received.

SeaCat

 

[damppanties]

"I trust him with more than my life. I trust him with my honor."

That's lovely.

 

[Edward Teach]

Terrific idea, Og. Wish I had thought of it.

One of the grandest gifts you gave me was to become good women. You made others think I was a good father.

Teach

 

[oggbashan]

I shouldn't be too hard on my dad. He was out of his depth as a father.

He never had the chance to learn anything about rasing a family, because his mother was the same way.

And her father, who I met, was also a miserable person.

I don't know how far back it went, but it shows that heredity is not necessarily genetics alone.

That is why I think I need to do something. My father was not demonstrative and judged his sons only by his view of their achievements although he didn't understand the environment in which my brother worked and to which I moved.

My father was a Civil Servant. He was proud when I became one as well and he could measure my success until I left the Civil Service. That hurt him even though I had a better job, more pay, more responsibility. My brother started as a food chemist and ended up as production manager for seven food processing factories yet my father never knew what a success my brother was. I had 150 people working for me; my brother had 7,000 yet my father thought I'd achieved more because I had been a Civil Servant.

As for my grandfather - he was a craftsman printer and never understood his sons' achievements in the Civil Service, nor his daughters' skills. His eldest daughter was a house owner in her own right when she was 25 - in 1927. That was unheard of for a woman who had got there by her own efforts yet her father never appreciated how much she had done.

Neither father nor grandfather were ever know to express their love for their children. I have tried hard not to follow their example.

Og

PS. My eldest aunt, the house owner, was a lifelong example of a strong woman for me to appreciate. When she died aged 90 she still had a job as an advisor on pensioner's issues, telling what she described as 'old ladies of 75' on how to campaign for better treatment from the state. She also ran a Sunday School for 'difficult teenagers', mainly West Indian by birth or descent, who had been referred by the police and/or their parents for dabbling in drug-taking. She was MathGirl size, walked with two sticks, but stood no nonsense from large young men who considered themselves street-hardened.

 

[oggbashan]

Terrific idea, Og. Wish I had thought of it.

One of the grandest gifts you gave me was to become good women. You made others think I was a good father.

Teach

Thank you for that. That statement is worth plaigarising for my letter.

Og

 

[rgraham666]

Og, I can't see you doing your daughters wrong because you think about what you're doing.

I don't know who started all this 'don't show your emotions' bullshit, but I'm sure there is a special place in Hell for them.

 

[cloudy]

Og, I can't see you doing your daughters wrong because you think about what you're doing.

I don't know who started all this 'don't show your emotions' bullshit, but I'm sure there is a special place in Hell for them.

Amen to both of those statements.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression from my earlier post. I know that my father loved me with all his heart. But he was so successful, and so intelligent that he was a really hard act to follow.....for all of the kids, I think. And to be fair, I believe he was as hard on himself as he was on us.