Father Has No Right To Adopt Despite Mother's Deception

[Selena_Kitt]

Father Has No Right To Adopt Despite Mother's Deception

This is shocking to me. I completely agree with the dissenting minority opinion.

 

[TheEarl]

Father Has No Right To Adopt Despite Mother's Deception

This is shocking to me. I completely agree with the dissenting minority opinion.

So the guy should've filed forms to show that he was caring for a child that he thought was dead? There's a perfect example of bureaucracy overcoming logic.

The Earl

 

[Selena_Kitt]

So the guy should've filed forms to show that he was caring for a child that he thought was dead? There's a perfect example of bureaucracy overcoming logic.

The Earl

twisted, isn't it?

 

[Huckleman2000]

That's just bizarre. I know family court makes very hard choices sometimes, but this seems like a total lack of heart. Especially when authorities regularly decry the lack of fathers' participation in raising children - here's a man who seems to want to "do the right thing" by his child, and had done so with stepchildren, and he's shot down by a woman who told a truly heinous lie.

Aside, I love your Colly quote, SelenaKittyn. Self-awareness is such a great quality in a person.

 

[S-Des]

This is absolutely in-line with the idiocy that is our family court system. If you ever want an hour long lecture about how fucked over a father gets (especially one who was never married to the mother), just ask . . . I'll be more than happy to share. In Illinois, I have no rights (that's a big 0) except when it comes to visitation. My ex had automatic rights to be the custodial parent (joint custody is a myth). I have no say in anything, period.

My daughter is 6 and I still get a whopping 2 weeks a year of vacation time. Because her mother makes all the rules, she takes as many weeks as she wants (even though there are none for her in the agreement her lawyer drew up), even though it interferes with my visitation. The last time I asked a lawyer about it, she said I could challenge, but my ex could withhold custody until the outcome of the court decision, but I'd still be on the hook for support, medical, child care, and her legal fees (assuming I lost).

The system is completely fucked because assholes try to dodge their responsibilites when it comes to their kids. The courts are so worried about making sure dead-beats don't get away with it, they forgot that some dads love their kids and would do anything to be with them. This is perfect timing for this because my ex is taking my daughter out of state for 10 days to her dad's (who had some kind of a sick problem with her when she was a kid and they didn't talk for over 20 years because of it . . . again, I have no say whatsoever).

Seriously, never ask me to elaborate on my opinions. I can barely control my hatred of that woman.

 

[tolyk]

This is absolutely in-line with the idiocy that is our family court system. If you ever want an hour long lecture about how fucked over a father gets (especially one who was never married to the mother), just ask . . . I'll be more than happy to share. In Illinois, I have no rights (that's a big 0) except when it comes to visitation. My ex had automatic rights to be the custodial parent (joint custody is a myth). I have no say in anything, period.

My daughter is 6 and I still get a whopping 2 weeks a year of vacation time. Because her mother makes all the rules, she takes as many weeks as she wants (even though there are none for her in the agreement her lawyer drew up), even though it interferes with my visitation. The last time I asked a lawyer about it, she said I could challenge, but my ex could withhold custody until the outcome of the court decision, but I'd still be on the hook for support, medical, child care, and her legal fees (assuming I lost).

The system is completely fucked because assholes try to dodge their responsibilites when it comes to their kids. The courts are so worried about making sure dead-beats don't get away with it, they forgot that some dads love their kids and would do anything to be with them. This is perfect timing for this because my ex is taking my daughter out of state for 10 days to her dad's (who had some kind of a sick problem with her when she was a kid and they didn't talk for over 20 years because of it . . . again, I have no say whatsoever).

Seriously, never ask me to elaborate on my opinions. I can barely control my hatred of that woman.

I feel for you man. Reading shit like this really depresses me. I don't have any court rights with my kids, haven't from day one. I don't even get visitation. The most I get is phone time, and the occassional webcam viewing (very rare).. and when she's in a relationship, I get pushed to the side completely forgotten.

 

[Huckleman2000]

I feel for you man. Reading shit like this really depresses me. I don't have any court rights with my kids, haven't from day one. I don't even get visitation. The most I get is phone time, and the occassional webcam viewing (very rare).. and when she's in a relationship, I get pushed to the side completely forgotten.

How do mothers reconcile this with themselves? Do they honestly think their children are better off without their fathers in their lives? Are they so self-absorbed that they can't separate their own broken relationship from the relationship they are breaking for their children? Can two people who became parents together not at least agree that their child deserves love and care from as many people as possible? Can't they find a way to behave that makes things better for their children, even if it's difficult for themselves? They are the adults, after all. Can't they see when they use their child as a weapon to punish their ex, and that the inevitable consequence is that it will boomerang against them or, even worse, the child?

When we broke up, we saw how inflexible and demeaning childcare arrangements can become. FWIW, I had the upper hand, having been the primary parent while my ex traveled and worked her way up the corporate ladder. We both backed off, postponing the actual divorce until our son was older, though we separated. We both had jobs that required travel, and we generally agreed on issues related to raising a child. Where we didn't, we just agreed to disagree, and not bad-mouth each other to our son. We explained that there were different points of view, and encouraged him to work it out for himself - he was older, by this time. He'd always been in culturally diverse classrooms and activities, and so he was emotionally equipped to deal with diversity of background and lifestyles. Luckily, that's one thing his mother and I agreed on. Plus, with our business travel, we had little choice but to work things out.

Stories like these make me wonder if maybe I had a better relationship with my ex than many marriages.

 

[S-Des]

When we broke up, we saw how inflexible and demeaning childcare arrangements can become. FWIW, I had the upper hand, having been the primary parent while my ex traveled and worked her way up the corporate ladder. We both backed off, postponing the actual divorce until our son was older, though we separated. We both had jobs that required travel, and we generally agreed on issues related to raising a child. Where we didn't, we just agreed to disagree, and not bad-mouth each other to our son. We explained that there were different points of view, and encouraged him to work it out for himself - he was older, by this time.
Stories like these make me wonder if maybe I had a better relationship with my ex than many marriages.

I don't know, but your son obviously had good parents. I'll never understand why my ex feels the need to tell my daughter that I don't make enough money (despite me never being late on a payment or asking for a reduction when I lost my job) or any one of a number of things that I hear about. I only get part of what she tells her, but it's enough to make me sick. Everyone tells me it will backfire and my daughter will eventually resent her, but I don't care. I just wish we could get along. Attacking the other parent is a cowardly thing to do and I consider it borderline child abuse.

Congrats on getting to be the custodial parent. Bigger congrats for treating it the way it should be. You have my respect.

 

[angelicminx]

How do mothers reconcile this with themselves? Do they honestly think their children are better off without their fathers in their lives? Are they so self-absorbed that they can't separate their own broken relationship from the relationship they are breaking for their children? Can two people who became parents together not at least agree that their child deserves love and care from as many people as possible? Can't they find a way to behave that makes things better for their children, even if it's difficult for themselves? They are the adults, after all. Can't they see when they use their child as a weapon to punish their ex, and that the inevitable consequence is that it will boomerang against them or, even worse, the child?

When we broke up, we saw how inflexible and demeaning childcare arrangements can become. FWIW, I had the upper hand, having been the primary parent while my ex traveled and worked her way up the corporate ladder. We both backed off, postponing the actual divorce until our son was older, though we separated. We both had jobs that required travel, and we generally agreed on issues related to raising a child. Where we didn't, we just agreed to disagree, and not bad-mouth each other to our son. We explained that there were different points of view, and encouraged him to work it out for himself - he was older, by this time. He'd always been in culturally diverse classrooms and activities, and so he was emotionally equipped to deal with diversity of background and lifestyles. Luckily, that's one thing his mother and I agreed on. Plus, with our business travel, we had little choice but to work things out.

Stories like these make me wonder if maybe I had a better relationship with my ex than many marriages.

I have to agree with you on this one. However, I'm on the receiving end. My ex has decided to try and remove me from our child's life. He's still pissed that I asked for a divorce and is using my love for our daughter as a weapon. Things were going fine, and I bent over backward to accomodate his changing social life. Now he's using it against me. I feel that she needs both of us equally. Doesn't mean equal time, at least during the school year. We tried splitting the week during the last school year and failed her in the process. Come fall she will reside primarily with me during the week. He doesn't like that and can't see that it's only in her best interest.

 

[Huckleman2000]

I don't know, but your son obviously had good parents. I'll never understand why my ex feels the need to tell my daughter that I don't make enough money (despite me never being late on a payment or asking for a reduction when I lost my job) or any one of a number of things that I hear about. I only get part of what she tells her, but it's enough to make me sick. Everyone tells me it will backfire and my daughter will eventually resent her, but I don't care. I just wish we could get along. Attacking the other parent is a cowardly thing to do and I consider it borderline child abuse.

Congrats on getting to be the custodial parent. Bigger congrats for treating it the way it should be. You have my respect.

Thanks. I know ours was a "non-traditional" relationship, and that has it's own set of accompanying problems. I think a key point was when her lawyer told her that she wouldn't be the custodial parent by default. After that, we were on a far more equal footing and came to an agreement that we would both keep our son's best interests in mind, and work things out like we were both well-adjusted adults. I'm not sure that we are, even today, but we at least tried to act like it for his sake.

Still, until she had to come to grips with the fact that being a woman didn't entitle her to primary custody and all that, it was definitely more adversarial. I'll never forget the phone call when she admitted that she wasn't in the catbird seat, and started to talk about working things out for The Kid. I can't imagine having both the mother and the courts working against me. My respect to you for dealing with that injustice.

 

[Huckleman2000]

I have to agree with you on this one. However, I'm on the receiving end. My ex has decided to try and remove me from our child's life. He's still pissed that I asked for a divorce and is using my love for our daughter as a weapon. Things were going fine, and I bent over backward to accomodate his changing social life. Now he's using it against me. I feel that she needs both of us equally. Doesn't mean equal time, at least during the school year. We tried splitting the week during the last school year and failed her in the process. Come fall she will reside primarily with me during the week. He doesn't like that and can't see that it's only in her best interest.

I'm so sorry to hear that, although I'm glad that your daughter is in one spot for the school week. Developing a regular schedule of school and homework and care (dinner, getting up and dressed, the basics so she knows she's taken care of, and still has some responsibility to get her schoolwork done) is really essential, I thnk. She knows her role, she knows that she has a place to go to, and she will come to understand that her world isn't always on the verge of chaos. Without that reassurance, it's really hard to get a kid to concentrate on fractions . I hope her father can at least understand that exposing her to the disagreement is making things a lot harder on her than it should be - even if the two of you disagree, she needs to know that it's not her fault, and it's sort of not her business, either, if you know what I mean.

[edit to add] I'm assuming your daughter is in elementary school or early middle school. Once they get into the teens, it's much harder, because then they start to have a voice despite what either of you does. If they aren't reasonably well-grounded by then, well, it's probably going to be difficult, and I doubt there's any one formula that's going to work. by that time, you're dealing with a person who's got their own point of view and agenda, stupid though it may be , and unless you and her father are really on top of things together, it's going to be hard. My niece went through some crazy years, although now that she's in her late 20's she has pulled it together and become a really cool person. For awhile though, YOIKS! My sister is still recovering, I think.