Father Daughter Incest Story want feed back

[Ldy_Sea]

https://www.literotica.com/s/sitting-on-daddys-lap

It just went online and I believe this is the hottest and best story I've written in my life. I would like constructive criticism on it. Tell me your honest opinion on the writing, not the subject matter. If incest is not your cip of tea that's fine but don't critize me for writting it.

Thanks in Advance.

 

[Carnal_Flower]

I loved it! Very hot and original!

LOVED the scene of Daddy under her wedding dress when mom comes in. It was funny AND hot--not an easy feat

Loved how you kept mom in the mix and didn't turn her into a raging bitch. Also hard to do. The dad was fun and realistic.

A very fresh take on D/d. I really liked it.

A couple of critiques--did not care for the loooooong Author's Note at the beginning. Just get to the story, it was so good. And could have used a proofreading pass, as some comments noted.

Congrats! Love seeing new good D/d with real, adult characters.

https://www.literotica.com/s/sitting-on-daddys-lap

It just went online and I believe this is the hottest and best story I've written in my life. I would like constructive criticism on it. Tell me your honest opinion on the writing, not the subject matter. If incest is not your cip of tea that's fine but don't critize me for writting it.

Thanks in Advance.

 

[DirtyAllie]

Wow! Great job on this!

I'm not a huge dad daughter fan, I lean more towards siblings, but this was a breath of fresh air.

As Carnal Flower said I like the way mom was not the stereo type bitch and was a real character and there was none of the cliche "mom hates dad so he turns to..." its a nice take.

I like the lap premise just because I am tired of seeing the endless mom sits on son's lap cliche so fun to go the other way.

Overall, fun, sexy and most of all it was...fresh and we see little of that in the incest category these days.

I hope you do more like this.

Just adding one critique...I agree again with CF the author's note was very long. If I wasn't checking this out though this forum, I might have clicked off which would have been my loss.

In my opinion as a reader overly long author's notes tell me the author has some lack of confidence in the story and feels they need to explain too much. Just my take.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I read parts of it. I didn't comment or score it.

As entertainment its 5 stars.

As writing its 1 star. Learn writing basics and apply them.

I cant name one famous writer who composes perfect prose, and all make errors. But ignorance stands out prominently, and ignorance gets repeated.

 

[LastLostIdols]

Looks abit long for right now, but I've bookmarked it and I'll give it a read sometime soon. I can safely say I have already read retired04's mother/son lap roadtrip story. Haha.

Good to see a different scenario on it at last.

--LLI

 

[allnitediner]

Liked all the characters except maybe the bellhop. He had too much dialogue for me and actually calling Ashlynn by name and giving her advice just didn't feel right. I had a little trouble believing that all that the movement, talking, not to mention the smell of sex in a closed car would escape the mother's notice so I'm just going to go along with the veiled premise that she knew and approved.

Like JBJ you get 5 stars from me for entertainment but 3 for crafting the story. I did vote you 4 stars and favourited you so I can read more. All the best

 

[Rox88]

I enjoyed it and how it contained humor as well.

 

[Ldy_Sea]

I loved it! Very hot and original!

LOVED the scene of Daddy under her wedding dress when mom comes in. It was funny AND hot--not an easy feat

Loved how you kept mom in the mix and didn't turn her into a raging bitch. Also hard to do. The dad was fun and realistic.

A very fresh take on D/d. I really liked it.

A couple of critiques--did not care for the loooooong Author's Note at the beginning. Just get to the story, it was so good. And could have used a proofreading pass, as some comments noted.

Congrats! Love seeing new good D/d with real, adult characters.

Thank you Carnal_Flower. I did have an editor review it. I guess he missed some things too. I will consider shortening the Authors note.

 

[Ldy_Sea]

Wow! Great job on this!

I'm not a huge dad daughter fan, I lean more towards siblings, but this was a breath of fresh air.

As Carnal Flower said I like the way mom was not the stereo type bitch and was a real character and there was none of the cliche "mom hates dad so he turns to..." its a nice take.

I like the lap premise just because I am tired of seeing the endless mom sits on son's lap cliche so fun to go the other way.

Overall, fun, sexy and most of all it was...fresh and we see little of that in the incest category these days.

I hope you do more like this.

Just adding one critique...I agree again with CF the author's note was very long. If I wasn't checking this out though this forum, I might have clicked off which would have been my loss.

In my opinion as a reader overly long author's notes tell me the author has some lack of confidence in the story and feels they need to explain too much. Just my take.

THank you Dirty Allie.

I will probably change the authors note a bit and take out the extraenous info. I appreciate your feedback.

PS I've never seen a post by you before, and your pic is hot. I have a thing for redheads.

 

[Ldy_Sea]

Liked all the characters except maybe the bellhop. He had too much dialogue for me and actually calling Ashlynn by name and giving her advice just didn't feel right. I had a little trouble believing that all that the movement, talking, not to mention the smell of sex in a closed car would escape the mother's notice so I'm just going to go along with the veiled premise that she knew and approved.

Like JBJ you get 5 stars from me for entertainment but 3 for crafting the story. I did vote you 4 stars and favourited you so I can read more. All the best

Thank you. Mike was used to be an homage to my favorite story in this genre. He was the main character in another authors story where he fucked his mom who was riding on his lap.

I used him to solve the problem of where to sit, and to show that Ashlynn was a huge flirt and tease. I deleted several paragraphs where Ashlynn and Mike had a passionate make out session, as they didn't move the story along, and readers of incest dislike non relatives being involved. His actions would hav emade more sense, but would have added another 1K words. This was supposed to be a 1.5-2K word stroker, and turned into a 10K word first chapter.

If I do write another chapter he might make another appearance if the other author allows me to use him again.

I agree in all these stories the smell would be hard to miss, so it's just ignored in the stories. This is erotic fiction, so limited suspension of disbelief is required. Also remember it took place between 1:30am and 4am after all the participants had been up and running around like crazy since probably 6 or 7am and were very active. Everyone was exhausted and even though mom was sober enough to drive, doesn't mean her judgement wasn't affected by the booze, exhaustion and emotions.

 

[Ldy_Sea]

I enjoyed it and how it contained humor as well.

Thanks for commenting on the jokes. I love to laugh and joke around, as does my family and I wanted to add that into the story. Too many people take their erotica too seriously and forget the lighthearted side.

 

[Tigersman]

The plot and character development was good. The spelling was not so good. Nothing an old fashion dictionary couldn't correct as it would have shown you " over took" is all one word and that " son in law" has a hyphen between son and in and another one between in and law.

The length was fine, not too short but not too long either. I agree with the comment about the bellhop's dialogue with Ashlyn. It seemed he was acting too familiar unless Ashlyn had chatted with him earlier which the reader had not seen. Otherwise good writing.

 

[Mehere1981]

That's a good story!

That was a great read... The story line was good enough to keep you wanting more... Any plans on expansion/additions? Just curious is there any of yourself in the story or just a fantastic mind behind it all?