Fatal Things To Tell Your Pregnant Wife

[Rumple Foreskin]

Motherhood, it's cause and possible cure, has been the subject of many recent posts here at the AH. Being biologically incapable of having any "been there, done that" type experiences to share, I'm usually content with the role of lurker on such threads.

However, the following informative e-mail came my way this morning and I felt lead to share it. Feel free to add thoughts of your own, or those of anyone else who won't notice or care what you're doing.

Rumple Foreskin

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Top 17 Fatal Things to Say if Your Wife is Pregnant

17. "I finished the Oreo's."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

 

[Zeb_Carter]

L M A O
EDIT: What the fuck?!?! Damn form is changing what I type!

 

[Elsie Grey]

Lol! Thats great!

Elsie

xxx

 

[TheeGoatPig]

My sister's husband told her that aside from childbirth, she wasn't allowed to get any heavier than she was when they got married. Of course, she was six months pregnant at the time, so she was happy with that statement, because it meant that she could balloon up 30 pounds if she really wanted to and still be in good with him

 

[Guest]

Top 17 Fatal Things to Say if Your Wife is Pregnant

I'd get my eyes ripped out of my head if mine even knew I read this.


( my girl's 5 month-old preggy belly)

 

[Alessia Brio]

( my girl's 5 month-old preggy belly)

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

 

[Toa_lin]

18. Chocolate? Why would I save you any of that?

 

[Guest]

My sister's husband told her that aside from childbirth, she wasn't allowed to get any heavier than she was when they got married. Of course, she was six months pregnant at the time, so she was happy with that statement, because it meant that she could balloon up 30 pounds if she really wanted to and still be in good with him

He decided that his wife wasn't allowed to gain any weight?

And he still lives?

 

[arienette]

He decided that his wife wasn't allowed to gain any weight?

And he still lives?

The same thing ran through my head.
I think I would devise a plan to gain a bunch of weight just because I was told I couldn't...

 

[Guest]

The same thing ran through my head.
I think I would devise a plan to gain a bunch of weight just because I was told I couldn't...

Makes me wonder what else is mandated around that house.

 

[arienette]

Makes me wonder what else is mandated around that house.

And you must cook every meal naked. And rub my feet before I fall asleep. And if this house isn't spotless by the time I get home...

 

[Guest]

And you must cook every meal naked. And rub my feet before I fall asleep. And if this house isn't spotless by the time I get home...

 

[arienette]

Good to know I wasn't the only one with such things in my mind reading that.

 

[MagicaPractica]

The same thing ran through my head.
I think I would devise a plan to gain a bunch of weight just because I was told I couldn't...

My mother says she did.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

Makes me wonder what else is mandated around that house.

Well, I don't know what kind've rules he has over her, but I know that he isn't allowed to have any cash unless she rations it out first.

 

[FallingToFly]

And you must cook every meal naked. And rub my feet before I fall asleep. And if this house isn't spotless by the time I get home...

You'll what?

(charlie Brown's teacher squawking)

Oh... really?

*loud banging and squelching- as though a giant was hammering a tent peg for his tent into a large muddy puddle, commence, punctuated by screaming*

See, I told you I wasn't kidding about why Aunt Arvenia gave me that railroad spike for a wedding present.... so, how do YOU feel about anal now?

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

And you must cook every meal naked. And rub my feet before I fall asleep. And if this house isn't spotless by the time I get home...

Reminds me of the joke about the middle-aged man with a rare disease. The doctor asked to speak alone to his wife and explained that if he was to have any chance of recovery, she'd have to do all those things Ari mentioned plus other related disgusting things anytime he asked.

Later, the man asks his wife what the doctor told her. She looked at her husband of many years and shook her head. "He said you're gonna die."

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Dr_Strabismus]

Right now I'm going through my wife's menopause.

 

[neonlyte]

Right now I'm going through my wife's menopause.

And still managing to type.

Seriously, it's not so bad, your's will be far worse.

 

[bullfolks]

19. Make sure the doctor puts in a couple of extra stitches.

 

[bullfolks]

20. I was just poking a little fun at you and you took me serious.

 

[cloudy]

a lot of those apply AFTER childbirth, as well.

True story:

A friend of mine who is a little bitty thing, maybe 100 lbs soaking wet, had just come home from the hospital two days before with her first child. They only had one car.

Her husband told her he was going to the store, would be right back, and then stayed gone for hours upon hours. Turned out, he'd gone to hang out with "the boys" and came home rather worse for wear - they'd been tossing back more than a few beers.

She had a mild case of post-partum depression, and leaving a woman like that at home with a newborn who isn't sleeping, and fussy about eating will turn a normally easy-going woman into a raging bitch, as you shall see.

After he passed out in their bed, she SEWED him into the bed covers so he couldn't move, sat on his chest, and knocked him upside the head with a cast-iron frying pan, knocking out several teeth.

They're still married, but he doesn't disappear anymore.

 

[MaeveoSliabh]

a lot of those apply AFTER childbirth, as well.

True story:

A friend of mine who is a little bitty thing, maybe 100 lbs soaking wet, had just come home from the hospital two days before with her first child. They only had one car.

Her husband told her he was going to the store, would be right back, and then stayed gone for hours upon hours. Turned out, he'd gone to hang out with "the boys" and came home rather worse for wear - they'd been tossing back more than a few beers.

She had a mild case of post-partum depression, and leaving a woman like that at home with a newborn who isn't sleeping, and fussy about eating will turn a normally easy-going woman into a raging bitch, as you shall see.

After he passed out in their bed, she SEWED him into the bed covers so he couldn't move, sat on his chest, and knocked him upside the head with a cast-iron frying pan, knocking out several teeth.

They're still married, but he doesn't disappear anymore.

i like her... And to think, all i had to do was threaten to go out to the barn and get the whip...

 

[ChristopherMaxwell]

Remind me to get snipped. Don't need those hormones raging on me. Just kidding, or am I, ladies? It sounds like both partners have crazy rules (rationed money, no weight gain, who the bloody hell are these folks). Just plain batty. But, seriously, no more murder jokes. It's not funny, ever. Murder, that is. Okay, time to go out for a fag. I need to poison myself, before you ladies get to it first. J/k. Blame my Rhodesian sense of humor. But, seriously, I've dealt with enough violence that I don't approve of it in a relationship, by anyone and against anyone. It's just too scary and wrong in a marriage or other such arrangement.

 

[FallingToFly]

Remind me to get snipped. Don't need those hormones raging on me. Just kidding, or am I, ladies? It sounds like both partners have crazy rules (rationed money, no weight gain, who the bloody hell are these folks). Just plain batty. But, seriously, no more murder jokes. It's not funny, ever. Murder, that is. Okay, time to go out for a fag. I need to poison myself, before you ladies get to it first. J/k. Blame my Rhodesian sense of humor. But, seriously, I've dealt with enough violence that I don't approve of it in a relationship, by anyone and against anyone. It's just too scary and wrong in a marriage or other such arrangement.

Are you kidding? Murder is the Valium in my day... I spend hours dreaming up inventive and particularly cruel ways to kill people.

Violence makes me calm. That's why I have plants. I can cut pieces off them all day, whack at them with machetes, poison them, choke them, rip them from life, torture them into exotic and satisfying shapes, and not go to jail for it.

Gardening is sadism for the passive-aggressive.