Fantasy vs. Reality

[horny_giraffe]

Hey Everybody;

I've only had sex (albeit for hundreds of times) with one woman, and consider myself a relatively inexperienced heterosexual. I am certainly not promiscuous, though I am single and consider myself reasonably attractive. (Not like I would admit it if I was butt ugly, anyway.) I am, in fact, far too ambivalent and tend to get emotionally involved when I have sex (at least so far.)

Actually, I think I like that last part.

Yet, I have actively fantisized about many things legal and illegal:
rape, incest, homosexual encounters, bisexual encounters, bondage and domination, submission, and group orgies.

I am concerned about blurring the boundaries, and from what I've seen here, I feel like I have some reason for concern. I'm worried about what may become a slippery slope between fantasy and reality.

Do you think it's important to limit a fantasy life? Or is fantasy a place where "anything goes?"

 

[Gilly Bean]

Hmm... My husband and I play out our fantasies with each other. For the most part, blurring the line has not been a problem with us, but as we have each other that we trust and play with, it's not quiet the same.

What I would suggest is finding a partner who is a bit outgoing, that you trust, and who trusts you explicitly.

Alot of what you fantisize about can be done through creative role play. We have had simulated consentual rape, we have done some simple bondage, submission and domination. The homosexual can be acheived with the use of a strap on, though you need to find someone who is comfortable enough to do this. Group and 3some would be harder to simulate.

Basically, just make sure you have someone who knows it is just a fantasy, and not reality. Costumes can be fun in bed, fake names, etc.

 

[juicylips]

Hey Everybody;



I am concerned about blurring the boundaries, and from what I've seen here, I feel like I have some reason for concern. I'm worried about what may become a slippery slope between fantasy and reality.

Do you think it's important to limit a fantasy life? Or is fantasy a place where "anything goes?"

You are smart enough to ask these questions, so you know that real life and fantasy can blur. But, you seem to be aware of it. Some people just go off the deep end, so to speak, oblivious to the reprecussions.

Don't limit your fantasy life.. use your imagination. I think as long as you are not hurting anyone, including yourself, you are fine.
What fantasies appeal to you the most? What ones would be the easiest to act out? Gilly Bean had some great advice. Just try some out and see where you go with it.

Cassidy

 

[SexyChele]

There are a couple of things that jump out at me right away.

First, you say you tend to get emotionally attached when you have sex. That is a good thing. But some of the things you've mentioned as being fantasies - rape being one - would require you to be detached if fantasy became reality.

Second, you realize that there is fantasy and there is reality. Blurring occurs when people don't always realize those boundaries.

You say you have had sex with only one woman, yet you also say you are single. I'm wondering if this one woman is still in your life? Or is she now gone?

If she is still in your life, why not try talking to her? Letting her know what some of your fantasies are (the more milder ones at first), and see if she is open to exploring them. As Gilly said, many couples role play a simulated rape. (consentual, of course!) And many people have fantasies about light bondage and domination, but are sometimes fearful to discuss it with their partner. If your partner is open to at least trying some of the fantasies, try one or two. See how it goes - if you both like it, great. If not - a lesson learned. As long as you and your partner realize fantasy from reality, you have no problem.

If you are no longer with this woman, then you might want to start looking for a woman who shares some of the same fantasies you have, and would be interested in exploring them.

I find interesting that you state that there are things that you've seen here that give you cause for pause. What are they? The stories? The bulletin boards? The chat rooms? This particular site is all about fantasy. I mean, there is a Sexual Role Play board, but most of the people who post there have spouses and children and normal lives. There is a certain amount of flirting on the General Board - but in most cases that is all it is. Your comment just interested me, and if you don't mind sharing, I'd be interested in knowing why you feel that way.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best.

 

[letsallgetlaid]

I think it is perfectly ok to have all the fantasy's you want. Share them with your partner and she (or he) will say ok and then you can either do the act them out thing. (Which I guess I'm not as keen on, but that's just me.) Or you will continue to fantasize about them and still have wonderfully meaningful sex with your partner.

 

[horny_giraffe]

Thanks to those of you who responded.

GillyBean, I can see where one might safely role-play some particular scenarios with a partner. Thank you for that suggestion. You do seem well balanced.

Actually, I'm not sure that I would want my fantasies to be anything more than fantasies, but I am concerned about subtle changes in thinking that could occur--in particular, desensitization.

I think that much of the appeal of some of these fantasies is the fact that they are forbidden. This is hardly a new idea, but I think that it is reflected in the fact that the fantasies tend toward the extreme--perhaps due to desensitization to previous fantasies.

I have concern that for some people (perhaps me) there may be a sort of reverse sublimation, in the Freudian sense. Rather than sex being sublimated into art or "love," it may be possible that the search for other things (intimacy, love, or life's meaning--for example) becomes transformed into a desire for sex because these other issues (particularly life's meaning, in my case) are difficult to face. The continual frustration of not actual resolving these sublimated issues could result in superamplified behavior.

It could be as if a handyman who did not realize that he was driving a screw into a piece of wood with with a hammer, hammered that much harder until the wood finally split. (I'm sure there is a less awkward analogy, but I hope you get what I'm saying.)


SexyChele;

Actually, at this point I don't have a sexual partner. My previous partner has a combination of life circumstances (very poor health, full time student) and expectations (a greater level of intimacy that she does not feel with me) such that she doesn't want to have sex with me for the indefinite future. I'm not sure how I feel about her. She is aware of many, if not most of my fantasies, but I guess that's sort of irrelevant at this point.

I can try to answer the question about my causes for concern.

Although it is difficult to tell whether or not people are telling the truth, there are people who have posted on the bulletin board that they have done things that are completely taboo and/or inappropriate. I've seen confessions and justifications for incest, for example. I've seen intimations of people inflicting bodily harm on a sexual partner.

The difficulty might be that these people may simply have different values. Still, I personally would find that actual acting out of these sort of scenarios to be completely unethical, regardless of how titillating they might be as fantasies. In addition, some of these things are illegal, as well. I try to draw the line at legality, but even that is a slippery slope. Who among us hasn't jaywalked or driven faster than the speed limit? From what I've seen, it seems to me that the unofficial golden rule is the one of consent. But does that mean I ethically cannot tickle my partner without their consent? It's like quicksand.

 

[petrel]

Mmmmm

good luck with whatever you decide to do
I can appreciate your dilema, i don't have much of a proble sperating fantasy form reality in sex play excepting that in 'reality' i hate mpst oof the dom sub role play - i find it slightly boring to be honest (my personal feeling) however in chat and talking out fantasies with my lover i get incredibly turned on by beign treated liek a little slut sub. this was one i had to talk out with my lover as it was somehting that under certain circumstances i liked to act out but in other circumstnaces actually turned me off.

re posts on the boards that made you concerned. Other peopel will do what they desire - you can't b responsible for this and as you rightly said alot of this is pure fantasy. We are pretty unlikely to ever get to know whether someones posts are 'true' or not and my view is that its pretty pointless to second guess.
This is a free world and if you don't like something feel free to say so, just don't trash other people.

Have you thouhgt about chat as a way to explore fantasies? i found it helped enourmously when i was trying to figure out what turned me on. I cna be soemoen anonymous and totally diffierent online and experiment without hurting anyone.

Me and my lover have a method of catorgrising fantasies - set one are those things that turn us on when we read about them etc but we don't want to incorperate into our sex play at all - my example would be watching/participating in rough and ready gay (male) sex
set two are ones we like to talk about - an example is talking dirty to my partner about fucking him in the ass or him telling me about how he would like to whip me and leave strips on my bum (we do do whipping but not to leave marks that last more than an hour)
set three are ones we would liekt o try out in soem form - me enjoying 'sub-dom' chat online
set four are ones you really wanna try - anal sex; water play or fight/rape fantasies

the golden rules are consent and talk about it!

 

[SexyChele]

Although it is difficult to tell whether or not people are telling the truth, there are people who have posted on the bulletin board that they have done things that are completely taboo and/or inappropriate. I've seen confessions and justifications for incest, for example. I've seen intimations of people inflicting bodily harm on a sexual partner.

The difficulty might be that these people may simply have different values. Still, I personally would find that actual acting out of these sort of scenarios to be completely unethical, regardless of how titillating they might be as fantasies. In addition, some of these things are illegal, as well. I try to draw the line at legality, but even that is a slippery slope. Who among us hasn't jaywalked or driven faster than the speed limit? From what I've seen, it seems to me that the unofficial golden rule is the one of consent. But does that mean I ethically cannot tickle my partner without their consent? It's like quicksand.

You pretty much nailed it in the first paragraph above. This is cyber-world, and, for some people, it affords them the opportunity to be/do/have whatever they feel might be lacking in real life. Why, I've even heard of justifications for pedophilia on the 'net. (thankfully not here at Lit!) Some people truly are into such things as beastiality, incest, scat. Fact. These things are out there and they do have their fans. However, there are also people who would never, under any circumstances engage in such play. And then there are those who say they do, but their real life probably plays out a lot differently.

There are people here at Lit who are very much involved in the BDSM lifestyle. Their views are respected, if not always accepted fully. However, you quickly find out who is really into this lifestyle and who is just "playing". And when you find out who is really involved, it is actually quite interesting to ask them questions and discover more about it - doesn't mean that one will start to get involved, it's just educational.

It sounds as though you have your boundaries firmly put into place. That is good. Problems arise when people have "fuzzy" boundaries or are not strong enough to set them. The part you need to do now is to find a partner who fits within those boundaries, or at least has the same set that you do.

Sometimes just sharing fantasies is enough. Maybe reading stories together or looking at pictures on the 'net or talking about them during sex. But you never really act them out or do them. Other things can be very enjoyable being "acted out" or "role played".

If you stick around Lit long enough, and read through some of the threads, you will quickly find out who is really doing what they say they are and who is just full of "bluster". If you are searching over the 'net, you have to do a lot of filtering to find that special one who will be a fit just for you.

Good luck!

 

[SheIs39]

Re: horny_giraffe

hmmm...VERY good questons...I too have asked myself the same questions....I was with someone for about 1 1/2 years..and frankly, the sex was great. He was a bit younger than I, and floored that after while I would talk openly about sex...unfortunately, the age thing made a big difference eventually.
As for fantasies, I have a few that I would never devulge and would never act on. Others I would devulge, but not act on and a some I have lived out. As for the ones I won't act on, I believe that would take the fantastic out of them if you know what I mean. As for the subject here, I had not even tried anal until about a year ago. It did then, and every time after, hurt like hell! I'm abnormally small there. But it turned him on so much, that at least once or twice a month we did it. It's not even that it turned me off, it just hurt like hell. And please, don't everyone start with the "how tos" been there, done that! But, I did get my partner to admit that the idea of using toys on him turned him on. We used a few. I would have liked to try the strap on thingy with him though ...oh well, such is life.
I say some fantasy are well worth living and dreaming about....some should only be dreamed about. It is up to you to put your vision where your fantasy is and decide if it would be worth it or if would ruin it.
Okay, so I'm rambling......what is a boring Thursday night good for anyway?!

 

[SheIs39]

Re: horny_giraffe

..okay, so I go away from puter...it is on one thread, I come back, I answer, and THEN, of course, only after I answer, do I find out I'm on another thread! Ignore the last post!
Kenmore (a.k.a. very young feline) was lying above my keyboard looking sooo innocent! WRONG!
Sorry all!