Fantasy Question for anyone.

[millman96]

Hi,
I've been around here for ages now, just lerking, reading and being kinda quiet. I don't quite know how to put this, so, I'll start at the begining.

I have been married for almost 31 years to the same women, the mother of our three children. A while back, we were sitting in the truck, in the yard, watching a thunderstorm work it's way through and talking. I asked her what her biggest fantasy was/is. She looked me straight in the face and told me she didn't have any fantasies. I said "Really!! You have to be kidding, no dreams or any curiousities that swim around in your head"?? She just said no.

Now I have a bunch of them and have told her a few(some she would freek out over). My question is, is this normal?? I know she's lead a sheltered life for the most part.(busy with ther kids and all) But I know she reads a lot of romance novels and things like that. It's not like she's been in a box or anything. Is there something I can do to get her to open her mind to get some sexual insight flowing through her mind??

She won't watch porn, thinks my fantasies are really weird(well most of them, the ones I've told her, anyways). I'm just worried that she is missing out on a very erotic thing and don't know how to stimulate her mind to help her experiance all the wonderful things that an active mind can come up with, wheather acted upon or not.

Did all that make sence?? Short of thearopy....I'm out of ideas. (I can't aford threaropy anyhow...lol) Thanks for reading this. I know there are good people out there that can help. This the coolest site and has the most awsome people.

Thanks, Millman

 

[SweetErika]

I don't know if your wife has fantasies or not. She probably does, especially if she masturbates. However, some people like to keep their fantasies private. I'm kind of that way - I like to keep my best ones to myself because they seem to lose some zest if I share them. Of course there are other things I think about and am happy to try, but the really good masturbation fodder never comes out for more than a general overview.

So, what I'd suggest is focusing on "spicing things up" or "trying some new things." You could start with mild parts of your fantasies, or ask her if she'd be up for being ravished (it's probably the most common female fantasy), then talk about what that could mean for her. You might even ask her to look through some stories or The Blank Manual sticky (highlighted at the top of the main How To forum page) to see if any ideas pique her interest.

 

[subwannabe]

I don't think my wife has any fantasies either. Sounds like your wife's fantasy is romance, not sexual things. I am kind of in the same boat as you so maybe I can say that your question is a little on the selfish side since you seem more to be concerned with living some of your own fantasies that you fear may never come to fruition. I didn't mean that in a mean way. It may just be the mars/venus thing. Your fantasies revolve around sexual things while hers are romantic things.

 

[berg177]

There's a working theory in anthropology that a culture only develops the tools it needs to meet it's needs and then ceases to develop more of a material culture.

Your wife may very well be completely satisfied sexually and have no need to wonder or fantasize about other possibilities. It's probably a little sad since fantasies are such fun but it isn't necessarily keeping her from a fully actualized sex life.

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

Hi,
I've been around here for ages now, just lerking, reading and being kinda quiet. I don't quite know how to put this, so, I'll start at the begining.

I have been married for almost 31 years to the same women, the mother of our three children. A while back, we were sitting in the truck, in the yard, watching a thunderstorm work it's way through and talking. I asked her what her biggest fantasy was/is. She looked me straight in the face and told me she didn't have any fantasies. I said "Really!! You have to be kidding, no dreams or any curiousities that swim around in your head"?? She just said no.

Now I have a bunch of them and have told her a few(some she would freek out over). My question is, is this normal?? I know she's lead a sheltered life for the most part.(busy with ther kids and all) But I know she reads a lot of romance novels and things like that. It's not like she's been in a box or anything. Is there something I can do to get her to open her mind to get some sexual insight flowing through her mind??

She won't watch porn, thinks my fantasies are really weird(well most of them, the ones I've told her, anyways). I'm just worried that she is missing out on a very erotic thing and don't know how to stimulate her mind to help her experiance all the wonderful things that an active mind can come up with, wheather acted upon or not.

Did all that make sence?? Short of thearopy....I'm out of ideas. (I can't aford threaropy anyhow...lol) Thanks for reading this. I know there are good people out there that can help. This the coolest site and has the most awsome people.

Thanks, Millman

Therapy for who? You or her? Maybe she is happy with her life like it is. There is no rule that says every person has to have fantasies.

 

[NippleMuncher]

My girl has also professed no fantasies and no curiosities, nothing new to try, etc., yada, yada.

I do agree with the romance/ravishing answers, as these are things that you can research and do on your own without any verbal input from her. When you do implement your changes, do them slowly and subtly and watch for physical cues from her as to whether she's enjoying it or not.

One of my favorite things is a full body massage that leaves no spot untouched. Yes, you'll get to play with all the goodies in the process, but the point of the massage is to relax her and open her to new things, so focus on her entire body, particularly stress points, such as shoulders, chest wall muscles, legs, calves, and feet.

Once you've spent at least half an hour on the whole body, then you can start to spend a little more time finding and activating her erogenous zones - the back of the knees, small of the back, nape of the neck are common biggies. Again, keep your focus on a general body massage, so you're not spending a lot of time in any one place trying to get a reaction.

In my experience with this technique, as you get to her "hot" spots, you'll see, feel, and hear her melt. As she starts getting fired up, you'll start seeing reactions for more of whatever you're doing in the moment the reactions occur, that is when you can shift from "massage" to cultivating the delights that lay ahead.

If you really want to blow her mind, give her a no-strings-attached massage! Again, in my experience, if you're doing them right, you don't give too many of them before she's all over you.

 

[twister947]

Your post resonates...my wife is a woman who demands complexity and layers of meaning in food and literature, yet brings zero imagination to the bedroom. Menopause hasn't helped things, either. Imo, your options are limited, and none of them involve changing her.

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

Count Your Blessings

If you have a woman who is a good wife and mother, count your blessings!

 

[millman96]

Thanks

Thanks to all,,

I knew I would get some good feed back. In all fairness, I am conserned for her. We are going through the big M together and she is having a bit of a time with that. This deal with her fantasies, has been a long term thing though. I love her very much and am just conserned for her.

I do the messages and pamper her every chance I get.(we are busy people) She wants for nothing. If she mentions any wants or needs in general conversation, (or when ever they come up), I see that they are attended too. Maybe not on the spur of the moment, I like to suprise her with them after she thinks I have foregotten all about what ever it may have been. I think that is one reason we have been married for 31 years. Her needs and happieness far outweigh any of mine. I try my best to see to all of them. I'm really not a selfish pearson. I get more pleasure from giving than recieving. She has told me she is content with the way things are. I don't want to change her, I'd just like a little more passion. Ya know?? Before any body jumps me for that one, I do realize that she has two jobs. She works all day and then comes home and puts in another eight hours at home. Lets face it, she's tired at the end of the day, trust me, I do understand that. I commend her for that, I spoil her for that, love her, idolize her for that. I wish I had that kind of energy. I wouldn't know what to do without her. She's my world.

Soooo, back to the topic. Thanks for everyones input. I had no clue that all people don't have fantasies. I just figured it was something all of us humans had in common. Who knew....right???

Have a great day and thanks again, millman

 

[subwannabe]

Good luck. Have you tried actually scheduling time? Sponanaitity has it's points but scheduling can too, especially for busy and tired people. I have just got that crowbar in the door with my wife and I'm hoping it works. We too are busy and tired people and scheduling may help us. I brought up several kinds of better timing with my wife that she had never even considered.

 

[yuna1981]

One of my favorite things is a full body massage that leaves no spot untouched. Yes, you'll get to play with all the goodies in the process, but the point of the massage is to relax her and open her to new things, so focus on her entire body, particularly stress points, such as shoulders, chest wall muscles, legs, calves, and feet.

Once you've spent at least half an hour on the whole body, then you can start to spend a little more time finding and activating her erogenous zones - the back of the knees, small of the back, nape of the neck are common biggies. Again, keep your focus on a general body massage, so you're not spending a lot of time in any one place trying to get a reaction.

In my experience with this technique, as you get to her "hot" spots, you'll see, feel, and hear her melt. As she starts getting fired up, you'll start seeing reactions for more of whatever you're doing in the moment the reactions occur, that is when you can shift from "massage" to cultivating the delights that lay ahead.

If you really want to blow her mind, give her a no-strings-attached massage! Again, in my experience, if you're doing them right, you don't give too many of them before she's all over you.

Um, yes. This.

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

I think my wife and I are pretty open about our fantasies with each other. After reading your post I asked her this question in much this way. "Do you have any fantasies you have not told me about? I will not ask you a single question about any of them if you say yes. I promise."

She thought for a moment or two and said."Yes, nothing important but things that sometimes that just pop up and then they are gone." I did not ask a single question as I had promised. I am only minimally curious.

I also think most women are much more reluctant to discuss their thoughts and ideas with a man then vice versa.

Some think their fantasies will cause you to think less of them if they tell you. Some may also think by reveling their deepest desires they will look bad in their own eyes.

I had a weekend thing with a young woman years ago. She got off on being humiliated. The first time I was with her I accidentally humiliated her and she turned into a really hot piece in bed. She would never admit what turned her on, wouldn't discuss it, or allow it even to be spoken about when she was present.

Once we were in bed filthy talk and degrading her just lit her fire.

As I have seen on other posts Some fantasies never want to be lived out so are best left unspoken.

Just of my thoughts. I suggest you just leave it alone and enjoy what you have.

Mike

 

[Eilan]

As others have said, it's possible that she doesn't have fantasies.

What I've noticed from years of lurking and participating on these boards is that a lot of people are reluctant to share their fantasies because:

• They're afraid that their partners will nag them endlessly about making the fantasy a reality ("How to I get/make/convince my SO to. . . ?")
• They're afraid that their partners will judge them or somehow use the fantasy against them

Other people's mileage may vary, obviously.

I see sharing fantasies as similar to discussing previous sexual experiences with current partners: if you really want to know about these things, you damn well better be able to handle the response you get.

 

[CurvAppeal]

Not sure if anyone else has said this, if so, I sincerely give out my apologies as of now.

Your wife may be completely satisfied sexually already. There is nothing wrong with being happy for the way things are. Not sure how to help you on this one hun. She just may be the type that doesn't like to explore, or like I said, sexually content.

Just talk more, see if you get anywhere, really listen to what she has to say, don't always focus on your fantasies.

Also, if my man/lady told me that I'm completely happy with the way things are, that means she/he is very happy with you. Don't view that as a bad thing, view that as you've done your job, you satisfied her completely. =) That's kinda sexy haha (Not saying that is the case for you though)

Best of luck M'dear.

 

[NippleMuncher]

*****

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

very interesting

Fantasies? My wife has the same response. Fantasies? Why would I want to fantasize? I suspect it is connected to childhood when scratching "down there" was not to be done, religion was VERY important, and outlets for pleasure were limited. At the same time, she admits to having had an affair while married, and has joked about "swapping" with a couple we have palled around with. Sex is kinda tough and she get's off with difficulty unless she uses a vibrator by herself. I wish there was a game involving fantasies or I could get her involved in truth or dare but I do not know the rules.
I'd look for the basis of lack of fantasy to be a restricted childhood where it was not OK to enjoy ones body or imagination was frowned upon.
N