Family on the "Outside"--Argh!

[desertslave]

I'm having a tiny little panic attack. Luckily it only happens twice a year.

We're packed and ready, Master, kids and I, for a trip back east to my family. We'll be staying with my Mom for a few days then hitting my favorite NJ beach. I need a 'beach fix' big time this year. It's the place I go to when I need to relax and heal in one way or another.

The tough part is dealing with my Mom. I love her, don't get me wrong, but try as we might we often rub each other the wrong way. See, she's one of the original bra-burning feminist-types and I'm not. I had no ambitions for a career, though I was willing to find decent jobs to provide for my family. I wanted a family more than anything else. She thinks my present work is okay, even brags to her friends and shows off my latest stuff when she can, but I only ever find out about it from others, not from her.

Oddly enough she told Master, the first time she met him, that I needed to be kept on a short leash (her words!) to stay out of trouble. LOL He loves reminding me of that. But at the same time, she gets really bent when she sees me wait on him and defer to him. I've tried, many times to tell her we're both happy with who and how we are, and she's gotten better about keeping her own counsel, but it sure does make for some stressful moments.

We've tried breaking our own habits around her, but that ends up flustering both of us in really weird ways. I swear I just need to pack some valium or something. I just want to hit the beach and hide in the water all day! One more long, hot summer to get through.

Does anyone else have these kinds of family "disconnects"? How do you handle them?

 

[malinborn]

I think my biggest thing is Fi and my Mom... Fi who is mostly submissive is still the woman of the house... but so is mom... and well they butt heads. It's interesting in some ways. My mom is not aware of our lifestyle and sometimes I want to let it be known.

We do not have such difficulties that you and Your hubby/Master encounter and i am thankful of that. Fi does not like how my family makes me feel.. that is their biggest issues... they cannot get passed the clutz and trouble i "USED" to be

anyway... Where in NJ are you gonna be?????
We were in Atlantic City last night

 

[desertslave]

anyway... Where in NJ are you gonna be?????
We were in Atlantic City last night

We're headed to Long Beach Island, just a quaint lil sandbar an hour north of AC. I spent a lot of my teen years at Wildwood and Rehoboth in Delaware. I'll always be a Jersey Girl at heart.

 

[EmpressFi]

I think my biggest thing is Fi and my Mom... Fi who is mostly submissive is still the woman of the house... but so is mom... and well they butt heads. It's interesting in some ways. My mom is not aware of our lifestyle and sometimes I want to let it be known.

We do not have such difficulties that you and Your hubby/Master encounter and i am thankful of that. Fi does not like how my family makes me feel.. that is their biggest issues... they cannot get passed the clutz and trouble i "USED" to be

anyway... Where in NJ are you gonna be?????
We were in Atlantic City last night

Yes, his mom and I clash frequently. Mostly when we share space because we both want to be in charge and well I dont think she approves of me.. in as much as the way I take care of Malin and the house.

Before she passed away, I had a similar relationship as you do with my own mother, but in the opposite way. My ex-husband didnt want me waiting on him hand and foot while we were at home, but if we were around my mom, he'd play it up, knowing if I told him to get his own drink or something like that, she'd freak out.

For me, the only way to deal with it is to remember that we're different people from different generations and then I also hold to the territory thing.. when I was at my mom's, I tried to respect her and meet his needs and with Malin's mom, we've set it up that this is my house.. that is your house.. you can suggest things, but you have no say here.

 

[malinborn]

Oh i know LBI very well
I know all the jersey shores too well... well up to Seaside anyway.. above that and i am not too sure

LBI = no boardwalk and thus a great deal fewer idiots
i was just talking about Wildwood last night and Sawmill pizza.. Mmmmm

We're headed to Long Beach Island, just a quaint lil sandbar an hour north of AC. I spent a lot of my teen years at Wildwood and Rehoboth in Delaware. I'll always be a Jersey Girl at heart.

 

[desertslave]

Yum! I'm craving good pizza (we're too close to California here for the good stuff) and a nice bowl of she-crab soup. And a nice quiet sunset with some kite flying.

 

[malinborn]

And you can't be this close to Philly without getting a Cheese Steak!

 

[kittenartist]

My Mom likes to tell me that my bunny boy is "too submissive" to be with me long term. That makes me laugh because he is so willful and ornery She actually told me, "I have always said you would be attracted to submissive men but your one true love will be a man who can dominate you". She has no thoughts of the lifestyle when she says this... I finally told her that I met my boy on a site where submissive people try to find dominate people. I did not spell it out for her with those four little letters (b-d-s-m) and I think she still fails to make the connection. Being way too open about everything, I figure I will just blurt it all out one day to get her to stop making those unintentionally annoying comments.

 

[myinnerslut]

my parents are aware of my involvement in the lifestyle. they have been since i started at 17. they have met Master. they know that Master is my Master, though it hasnt been spelled out for them explicitly it has been discussed. they dont particularly like parts of it, but the accept it.

the part we have issues with is my father has been holding out hopes for me to be a strong independent women who leans on nobody. while i am independent in my ways, i have my own opinions and im not shy about sharing them, i am and always will be attracted to dominant men. this lesson was kind of drilled in a bit when i left my ex and instead of finding an equal power relationship i started going out with Master. shortly after that we entered a TPE.

this cuased some serious butting of heads between my father and i, as well as some between my father and Master, over the topic of my independence.

 

[licker4450]

Family is the toughest part of any lifestyle choice. They love us and want what is best for us. Unfortunately, especially with parents, they think they know what is best for us. Of course, they do not.

I am 38 and never married. Everyone else in the family is married but me. Now I have determined I am not cut out for the married life, yet my family considers me an oddity. Well, my life choices need to please me and not them so I set my own path.

Good luck with the dilemma with mom. And remember, to thy ownself be true.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm having a tiny little panic attack. Luckily it only happens twice a year.

We're packed and ready, Master, kids and I, for a trip back east to my family. We'll be staying with my Mom for a few days then hitting my favorite NJ beach. I need a 'beach fix' big time this year. It's the place I go to when I need to relax and heal in one way or another.

The tough part is dealing with my Mom. I love her, don't get me wrong, but try as we might we often rub each other the wrong way. See, she's one of the original bra-burning feminist-types and I'm not. I had no ambitions for a career, though I was willing to find decent jobs to provide for my family. I wanted a family more than anything else. She thinks my present work is okay, even brags to her friends and shows off my latest stuff when she can, but I only ever find out about it from others, not from her.

Oddly enough she told Master, the first time she met him, that I needed to be kept on a short leash (her words!) to stay out of trouble. LOL He loves reminding me of that. But at the same time, she gets really bent when she sees me wait on him and defer to him. I've tried, many times to tell her we're both happy with who and how we are, and she's gotten better about keeping her own counsel, but it sure does make for some stressful moments.

We've tried breaking our own habits around her, but that ends up flustering both of us in really weird ways. I swear I just need to pack some valium or something. I just want to hit the beach and hide in the water all day! One more long, hot summer to get through.

Does anyone else have these kinds of family "disconnects"? How do you handle them?

If the kind of behavior we're talking about isn't the kind you hide from your kids, then I wouldn't hide it from your mother either. You, your Master and your kids are all a family, and the sanctity of that family is paramount. I mean, I have no idea what behavior is irking your mother, what her criticisms are, if those criticisms are valid, etc., but you're an adult, you've made your choice and now it seems her comments aren't helpful. So, I would just say once, thank you for the concern, but we are very happy. And not say another thing on the matter. It's tough to stick with this, I know! But really, you have to take a hard line. Eventually, if she doesn't get a reaction, she'll get bored with it and just complain behind your back or whatever.

 

[cloud_leopard]

I have a major disconnect with my father. He raised me to be independent and in control of my own life, but as soon as I show the slightest bit of that, or as soon as I disregard his "advice" or "opinions," he flies off the handle and calls me immature for knowing what I want out of my own life and working for it. He can't stand to have women around him who aren't constantly and absolutely submissive to his desires and tantrums. He broke up with my stepmother because she realized their relationship dynamic had to change after she had battled cancer and found her own strength. Consequently, he and I haven't spoken, beyond a few polite pleasantries, for nearly a year now. *shrugs* But, what to do? Family is still family.

 

[Homburg]

My parents know about the poly side of our relationship. They have some idea about the unequal nature of it. I *think* that my mother, natural dominant that she is, probably understands it better than she lets on. My dad seems quietly boggled by the whole thing, but doesn't really say much about it. I think looking him in the eye and saying "Do you really want to know? If you do, I will tell you everything. Just remember that you asked." really made him think.

My parents do not really approve. They are not so dissapproving as to do anything about it, but my mother is on edge. Given how rocky our relationship is, I really don't care. My father and I get on fine generally speaking. And MIS visited and hung out with my folks, they got on well. It helsp that she is a genuinely wonderful and friendly woman. She's virtually impossible not to like.

viv's parents do not know, and I have no idea if they suspect. I would be surprised if her mother did not suspect. She's met MIS and hung out with her, and viv's mom is a canny woman. No conversation ha sbeen had, but I would be surprised if she did not suspect. Then again, I have the sneaking suspicion that her mom has some freak in her closet anyway.

this cuased some serious butting of heads between my father and i, as well as some between my father and Master, over the topic of my independence.

This has slacked off between her father and I. There are a variety of reasons here, but chief among them is that he is realising that I will run myself beyond ragged taking care of her when she needs it. Much as above, it helps that her father and I get along as people. I like her dad and he finds himself liking me. Let me tell you, a whole lot can be forgivien simply because you like the person.

 

[Netzach]

Sounds to me that it's less about wanting you to be independent as wanting you NOT to be controlled by people other than...her.

Normal mom stuff in a lot of ways.

Oh well.

 

[Yasashii_Kaze]

My family is highly religious and will never know about my lifestyle if I have any say in the matter. If it should ever reach the point where I introduce an SO to them, they will be told that he is my boyfriend. I have accepted the fact that my parents will never accept anyone I choose to be with, so no great loss.

However, I do admit to being slightly envious of those who can share their lifestyle choices with any member of their family. I dislike having a "dark side" that I cannot share with the people who should love me most. I can't complain, though. I've been really lucky to have some close friends who are not only understanding, but have similar interests.

 

[EmpressFi]

However, I do admit to being slightly envious of those who can share their lifestyle choices with any member of their family. I dislike having a "dark side" that I cannot share with the people who should love me most. I can't complain, though. I've been really lucky to have some close friends who are not only understanding, but have similar interests.

I'm like this as well. I dont want to tell people the things that malin and I do in the bedroom..but it would be great if I could talk about my "boyfriend" and/or my trip to wisconsin, or hanging out with Master's puppy, instead of having to remember which excuse we used this time for me not being home over the weekend.

 

[Homburg]

I'm like this as well. I dont want to tell people the things that malin and I do in the bedroom..but it would be great if I could talk about my "boyfriend" and/or my trip to wisconsin, or hanging out with Master's puppy, instead of having to remember which excuse we used this time for me not being home over the weekend.

I don't sweat it these days. I work out of the house, so I've no co-workers to talk to. My friends tend to know of my proclivities, at least to an extent, so it is generally no big thing. Every once in a while something pops up, but it is pretty easily dealt with.

In some ways it's easier because even my friends think I'm a bastard. I'm a funny bastard, and one they like hanging out with (on the rare occassions that I have time), but still a bastard. So if I go off and do something not "socially acceptable", it is par for the course. Most of my buddies are jealous anyway

My family rarely gets told anything. viv might say I'm travelling for the weekend. If I get asked, I just tell the truth. Going to visit MIS, or to drive her back north, or whatever.

Still, the key to remember here is that I did not have a choice as to whether or not my folks knew. I was outed to them by the wife of a friend. At that point, no real reason to worry. It's not like I'm going to shock them further by having MIS in my life. That said, I don't talk about BDSM with them. No reason to do so.

 

[malinborn]

Well my family is very tight and still does various functions like birthdays together.. so when i show up to a nephews birthday, the last one we will be attending because of our move and fi not being there.. the question of where she is comes up... so she was sick. *nods*

Sometimes I want to tell my family. My dad in a weird way would likely be proud of me. My mom would not get it at all. I want to look at them and say.. "Have you seen Swingtown? Have you seen Big Love? What do you think of those shows?" And then based on their answers i would make my choice. LOL

 

[EmpressFi]

Well my family is very tight and still does various functions like birthdays together.. so when i show up to a nephews birthday, the last one we will be attending because of our move and fi not being there.. the question of where she is comes up... so she was sick. *nods*

Sometimes I want to tell my family. My dad in a weird way would likely be proud of me. My mom would not get it at all. I want to look at them and say.. "Have you seen Swingtown? Have you seen Big Love? What do you think of those shows?" And then based on their answers i would make my choice. LOL

*nods*

This came to a head for me yesterday as we were over at Malin's brother's house. It started with their dog catching the scent of Keeper of Fi's dog on my shoe and following me around, nudging and sniffing. Then when everyone arrived, getting asked seven times if I was feeling better.... thank god I remembered that Malin had told them I was sick last Sunday... but still, each time was like a little pang in my gut..especially when our nephew, whose birthday party I missed, asked me.

And yeah Malin, your dad would probably look at you and smile or say, "You mean Fi lets you sleep with other women?? Think I could get your mom to do that?"

 

[YourCaptor]

My mother, ha, let me give you an idea. She would make one hell of a domme.

She probably had more then a little to do with my stubbornness. Giver her and inch and she will never give it back.

Plus their is no acceptance of anything with her.

Enough said.

 

[catalina_francisco]

We've tried breaking our own habits around her, but that ends up flustering both of us in really weird ways. I swear I just need to pack some valium or something. I just want to hit the beach and hide in the water all day! One more long, hot summer to get through.

Does anyone else have these kinds of family "disconnects"? How do you handle them?

We don't share with parents about the dynamics of our relationship, but in respect to my own parents (now only mother), there came a time when I had to stand up to them telling me how to live my life. It didn't go over well but it just had to be done as it was escalating to the point my father was ripping new plants from my garden if he didn't like them personally, and my mother was visiting and while I was out getting the kids from school etc., she would rearrange my kitchen in the way 'she' preferred it to be and throw out anything personal in the house which she didn't think was necessary....and given she had a few memory issues, it was not uncommon to find important documents such as the mortgage contract, and bills in the bin because as she put it 'I didn't know what they were so figured they were rubbish'...or deny she put them in the bin altogether. That was just a small example. Sometimes you have to remind them you are no longer a child and as an adult have made the choices right for you. It doesn't mean they have to know the dynamics, just respect the way you are in that you like to wait on him etc.

Catalina

 

[lilylicious]

The parental units

No matter how many times I find my parents are disappointed in me, no matter how many times they disappoint me themselves, it's still upsetting, so I understand your anxiety. You're an adult now and you want to be able to share the things that are important to you or, at the very least, not feel as though you need to hide them.

I think it's totally normal to be anxious about your visit, even without the additional family dynamics being an issue. Just try to enjoy your time with your family in a way that you will have the least regrets later on.

For me, I just try to accept that I will never be able to please my parents and make the best decisions I can for myself. I know they want the best for me, and in their own awkward ways, their condemnation is their way of showing they love me and want what they think is best for me. I just keep reminding myself that they don't have all the facts. They don't know the situation. So how could they possibly understand why I make the decisions that I do?

Trust yourself and just try to remember your parents love you even if they don't express it the way you might.

 

[intothewoods]

It's tough to have a huge family that's always in your business, or has something to say about where your wife is (to use Fi and malin's example). I'm somewhat lucky in that my dad is not the prying type. On the other hand, it made me completely unprepared for inlaws! And also, my dad does press on some issues. Every family relationship has their hot button issue.

I feel like I'm pretty conscious of my feelings, and pretty good at expressing myself, but I find expressing myself productively to be a strong challenge with family. It's just so easy to slip into old patterns.

One thing I've found with working through those issues with family is that you've really got to be 1000% comfortable with who you are and your life choices. If there's some doubt in yourself, your parents and siblings (sometimes) know how to get at you. I don't think they always do it on purpose either. They're just projecting their fears and hopes for you. It's tough to hold back as a parent. I think even the best parent struggles with this. At any rate, unless you're dealing with a really toxic parent, I think it makes a lot of sense to take what they say at face value (on your own time, in a neutral space) and work through that. Challenge yourself. Is there any truth to what they are saying, or not saying? Also, guard your privacy jealously. You have to be strong enough to say, that's between us. I appreciate your concern, but it's between us. I truly believe that a relationship that can do this is the stronger for it.

On another note, just fwiw, I was recently talking to a poly friend of mine who told me he talks about he and his wife's girlfriend (they're a triad) often as a close family friend. In other words, he doesn't hide her existence. He talks about how important she is to his wife and to him. So people are clued into the fact that she is part of the family without his ever mentioning their sex life. It's worked very well.

 

[the_mgp]

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