Faking orgasms

[Guest]

I've been waiting to get the nerve to post my problem.

I have been with my husband for 7 years and while I love him very much I have a problem. He has never been able to make me orgasm, it my fault because when we first started having sex he was upset about not being able to help me have an orgasm so I started, well, faking it. Now he thinks he is the worlds greatest lover and I am left high and dry.
I enjoy having sex with him but am often left feeling frustrated and annoyed (more at myself than him). If I told him that I have been faking it for 7 years then he would be devestated so I don't want to do that.
A few times I have not faked it and he has either gotten very upset at himself or not bothered about it because he figures that he suceeds all the other times.
I can orgasm when masturbating, and he does all the right things although not always the right amount of pressure, speed or for long enough. How do I show him what I need without breaking his heart?

Sorry I am unregistered but hubby reads this forum too.....

 

[Datadr]

{I can orgasm when masturbating, and he does all the right things although not always the right amount of pressure, speed or for long enough. How do I show him what I need without breaking his heart? }

Try taking his hand while he is doing all the right things, and guide his fingers with yours. Try wrapping your hands in his hair, and directing his tongue where you want it. When he does get it right, tell him, even a moan will help. A few "lessons" will probably get the idea across to him, and unless I miss my guess he will love it too. You know you can always call out "faster, harder, slower" and follow that with a "thats it baby, Oh my God"

Some women are open enough to masturbate in front of their lover. If you can do this, you will be able to show him what you need. The key here is to communicate, but not all communication has to be with words.

I have yet to meet a man that didn't enjoy his partner more when she was truly having an incredible time also.

Good luck.

 

[Dynamite]

Maybe you should take the lead?

Maybe be the leader. Faking it won't help.

Make sure he doesn't feel like a lesser man if he doesn't get you to orgasm.

Remember, you're responsible for your orgasms. He's really just a means of getting there.

 

[P. B. Walker]

Some would say you've made your bed and now you have to sleep in it. I don't think it's all that bad, but you really made a bad choice by starting to fake it. Personally, I think you've totally screwed yourself (no pun intended).

I don't see how you can ever get him to do the right things without letting him know you have not been totally honest with him up to this point.

My advice, take it or leave it, is to put your cards on the table with him right now. Let him know your sorry and you didnt' want to hurt him. Let him know that you really think he can give you an orgasm if he does a few things differently. Then once you two get that all worked out... just think of all the great sex you can have once you have that off your back and can really relax and enjoy it.

Just my humble opinion. Sorry. I know it's not something you wanted to hear.

- PBW

 

[Guest]

Some would say you've made your bed and now you have to sleep in it. I don't think it's all that bad, but you really made a bad choice by starting to fake it. Personally, I think you've totally screwed yourself (no pun intended).

I don't see how you can ever get him to do the right things without letting him know you have not been totally honest with him up to this point.

My advice, take it or leave it, is to put your cards on the table with him right now. Let him know your sorry and you didnt' want to hurt him. Let him know that you really think he can give you an orgasm if he does a few things differently. Then once you two get that all worked out... just think of all the great sex you can have once you have that off your back and can really relax and enjoy it.

Just my humble opinion. Sorry. I know it's not something you wanted to hear.

- PBW

As much as I hate to admit I think that you may have a good (be right even...).
Even the thought of me telling him terrifies me to the bone, he is extremely sensitive of his lovemaking skills (due to an ex girlfriend's callous name calling) that I am afraid he will be terribly hurt.
I did make my own bed, (silly girl that I am) but I don't want to lie in it any more. Its getting to the stage that I am actually avoiding sex because I just don't know if I can continue to fake it anymore.
I wonder how other men would take it if their girlfriends/wives told them tomorrow that they had been faking orgasms?


Also in reply to Datadr I have masturbated in front of him many times before but it has made no difference - he still plods along doing what he always does. Once again this is my own fault and the result of my superb acting skills.....sob!

 

[P. B. Walker]

His feelings vs. Your pleasure

Basically, what it will come down to is whether or not you're willing to hurt him in order for you to have pleasure. It kinda sounds like to me that it's becoming unbearable for you. And that's not a good thing. Sooner or later, other parts of your relationship will be affected. Who knows where it could stop. But I think if you do it right, he will understand and maybe (but not likely) thank you in the end.

Personally, if my GF told me she'd be faking for 7 years, I'd be totally dumbfounded at first, and then kinda pissed, and yes, a little hurt. I am man enough to know that I cannot please every woman out there. Every woman is different. I had one girlfriend in college where it seemed all I had to do was snap my fingers and she was in orgasmic bliss. Whereas, with my last girlfriend, I had to work my butt off to make her cum. But she was very willing to guide me and help me along the way after my initial attempts to please her failed.

To me, faking is just a total waste of time. I would rather she tell me right up front that I'm not blowing her skirt up than to fake it and let me keep going along feeling like superman. And faking for 7 years... uggh...

I think there are two keys points that you need to make with him. 1) You were scared to tell him because you did not want to hurt his feelings. 2) You know he can do it with your help. And that you really want to work on this.

Good luck.

- PBW

 

[Guest]

used to have same problem

i used to do the same thing. i just got so frustrated with my husband for doing "all the wrong things" that i ended up faking it regularly right after he came to end the sex.

after about a year, i found that the lack of good sex was making me irritable and left me looking at way too many lovely stories on this site. so i figured i had to tell him the truth.

I stopped faking - which actually required more effort then I thought it would as it was such a habit. Then I began to bring up the fact that LATELY i wasn't satisfied in bed. I still haven't told him that how crap the sex was for over a year and I don't intend to. I feel that it the situation worse then it needs to be.

Since I told him he's been a lot more interested in trying new things, buying toys, and talking dirty to me (something i absolutely love!)

Also the assumption that we must both has orgasms every time we have sex has been kinda set aside. Sometimes he makes me cum and then I talk dirty to him while he masturbates and vice versa.

Telling your husband your are not satisfied is something you will have to do. I don't think you need to tell him how long the problem has existed - especially if you think it'll really hurt his feelings.

Be comfortable with yourself. Take responsibility for your own orgasm, don't rely on your husband to fulfill you everytime.

 

[just_so_mmmmm]

i know just how you feel.

i faked it with a guy in the beginning of our relationship. at one point we had a bit of a rough time. to get back at him, i told him the truth: you have never made me cum.

he laughed. he couldnt do anything else. he was in shock. but he was hurt and he still hasnt forgotten about it.

but we loved each other and worked through it. i showed him exactly what i wanted and NOTHING was going to get in his way of getting me to cum. it was like a mission he had to complete. and let me tell you, that was FUN.

i feel bad that i kept the truth from him. it really wasnt doing any good for either of us. now we joke about it, but i can still sense it bothers him.

if you choose to tell him, i hope things work out. if you dont, well i would try the stuff the others have suggested. that is, to guide him specifically to what you want. maybe tell him it's something new, a new spot or technique, that you'd like to try out and when you cum, REALLY cum. if he sees that you like this "new" way better, then perhaps he'll keep on doing it that way.

 

[DopeyAngel]

I had the same problem with my current boyfriend for a few months at the beginning of our relationship. I realised that I was frustrating myself, and decided that I needed the physical side of our relationchip to work.

I encouraged him to do more things that I liked i.e. slower, faster, listen to my breathing, watch what I do etc. Without ever actually haveing to mention that he had never given me an orgasm before; the result, one day with my encouragements he got it right and realised that it was different and real when I actually had an orgasm.

I did confess to him, but you could skip that part (as you said he was sensitive) your husband would probably guess anyhow, just encourage him when he does the right things.

I know how difficult it can be, it's kind of a habit, and it seems 'easier', not to mention less painful, but I swear, the longer it drags on the worse it will be.

Just go for it chick!

 

[Babydoll5272]

Bad situation to be in

WOW I feel for you although you have made a big mess I also understand why you did what you did!! My suggestion is to maybe either rent a video and suggest to your husband that maybe you should try that to try and get him into tryin new things with the hope you will get off as well!

Or maybe make a romantic dinner, with candlelight and get a magazine or book with diffrent love making styles and make it a game and tell him you want to spice things up with him. Lets see how long it takes us t o complete all of these diffrent positions and then mark which ones we really like!!

Hope this helps a little Good luck!

DOLL

 

[looking4fun]

Unreg,

Being male, I think I would be a little crushed by the news. So I think maybe you should not come 100% clean.

Maybe you should do as us males do on occasion. Which is strecth the truth a little. I think you should come clean to him & let him know that for the last sevearl months you have had problems reaching the the big O.

So you have been faking it at times, not 100%, but sometimes. Let him know that your body is changing as you age & what felt good in the past is not as enjoyable. Therefore you think we should try a different approach to our love making.

Before you start talking to him I would suggest yopu get the setting going. Pick a night & time when you will not be interupted. Turn off the phones, pagers & TV. A sexy outfit, candles & a bottle of wine gets my attention. Then have your talk & end with a session of hot sex. Encourage your man & help him with positive feedback.

Good Luck

 

[Batgirl]

I agree with 'looking4fun', telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth would probably crush him and you have said that he is sensitive.

 

[SilverVeil]

Alas I have the same problem as you. But with my current boyfriend I was open with him from the start. There are a lot of women I have found that are the same as I am. We do not achieve orgasm during regular sex.

Have you tried you being on top astride him, take his hand or even your hand and rub your clit while you ride his cock ? Have him play with your nipples ? Or even use a vibe on your clit while he is inside you ? He will be able to feel the buzz while he is in there and it will be really different.

 

[Phil333]

does he ever give you head?? can you orgasm then??

 

[Guest]

does he ever give you head?? can you orgasm then??

Thanks once again everybody for the great advice!

Yes I can orgasm, and yes he does give me oral sex - but to tell you the truth he doesn't put a lot of effort into it; and why should he? After all he thinks he is doing a wonderful job.....my fault again!!!

Its harder to stop faking it than I thought, I'm actually trying to wean down so he doesn't get too suspicious....like last night I told him that I was having trouble and he said "don't worry about it" then he rolled over and went to sleep!

Makes me wonder why I am trying ot be sooo nice???

 

[abashed-dreamer]

What does the male feel, in such a case.

Once, after a couple of years my partner said she didn't come. She didn't fake it, but seemed to enjoy intercourse. I simply assumed.
I was quite stunned when she said she didn't come, and yes, hurt, but we picked up. I count it as a moment of enlightenment, since I had made the assumption of a proud 30 yr old that intercourse, done right, and prolonged, was the key.

It does modify the male ego to know that your gf must be masturbated after intercourse, but that's the truth quite often, I'm told.

'Jack'
abashed-dreamer