"Fake it" or no?

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

While we're admitting what radio shows we listen to...can I admit an unhealthy enjoyment of Loveline?

Around my town I'm the only one who has ever heard of Loveline. I love it ^_^

On the whole faking issue... everything I would say has already been said. I am completely against it, and I fully trust my darling to not lie to me in such an intimite way. I would much rather not do anything then have her fake it. Then again she does have the higher sex drive usually so that shouldn't be a problem. ^_^

-Zergplex

 

[handlebars69]

Re: faking it

I don't know about other men, so I will not pretend to speak for anyone other than myself.
I would NOT want my wife to "fake it" and pretend that she was enjoying sex when she isn't. I think any man or woman that truely knows their s/o can TELL if it is faked or not.
Just because someone is on the radio spewing out advice doesn't mean he or she knows what they are talking about.
I have listed to Dr. Laura at times also, and most of the time she comes off as someone who is pretty off the wall.
In my opinion, someone who "fakes it" is afraid to communicate with their spouse. Yes, there are always going to be times when sex is less enjoyable than at other times, yet with open and loving communication the lovemaking sessions can get better and better.
Yes, both men and women do things within the marriage that they are doing ONLY because they know it will please the other, marriage is afterall a game of give and take."faking it" to me is being dishonest with ones self AND ones mate.

just lettign you know, other men arent as, um, capable of accepting the truth as you.... i had a friend with benifits, we had only had sex twice, but when i told him i didnt orgasm, well, lets say i havent seen him since, and it was not my choosing

 

[pruh]

fake it?

Faking it isn't as simple as a woman pretending to like sex when she doesn't. Most men don't realize the female orgasm is pretty complicated, and comes in a lot of different levels. Sometimes it is just a few little shivers and cramps, sometimes it is toe curling, gut wrenching and utterly devastating. All types are good, and satisfying. But men's orgasms are pretty uniform, in comparison, and they tend to think in terms of the gut wrenching ones as being the only 'real' ones. A woman can have a great time during sex, enjoying all the erotic sensations, not just the 'closeness' cliche, but still not explode. Sometimes it is simpler to exaggerate the expression of pleasure rather than sit down with your post-orgasmic lover (who really just wants to take a nap) and explain the myriad variations. Maybe it isn't technically honest, but I think faking it can actually be a reflection of the genuine underlying feelings, not a lie.

 

[Bobmi357]

Re: fake it?

Faking it isn't as simple as a woman pretending to like sex when she doesn't. Most men don't realize the female orgasm is pretty complicated, and comes in a lot of different levels. Sometimes it is just a few little shivers and cramps, sometimes it is toe curling, gut wrenching and utterly devastating. All types are good, and satisfying. But men's orgasms are pretty uniform, in comparison, and they tend to think in terms of the gut wrenching ones as being the only 'real' ones. A woman can have a great time during sex, enjoying all the erotic sensations, not just the 'closeness' cliche, but still not explode. Sometimes it is simpler to exaggerate the expression of pleasure rather than sit down with your post-orgasmic lover (who really just wants to take a nap) and explain the myriad variations. Maybe it isn't technically honest, but I think faking it can actually be a reflection of the genuine underlying feelings, not a lie.

This would probably be true, IF we were talking about faking an orgasm. But if you check the first post again, we're not talking about orgasms, we're talking about faking desire.

 

[angela146]

Am I missing something here? Are those opposed to faking it really suggesting that if you're not in the mood you shouldn't *occasionally* pretend to be in the mood just to make it fun for your partner?

Does revealing the truth an hour later really not matter?

If you're having sex on a regular basis and once a month or two you pretend to be in the mood when you're not, isn't that part of being in a relationship?

Gosh, it doesn't feel like much of a sacrifice to throw in a freebie one time in thirty (freebie as in "I don't need to get off tonight, but I wouldn't mind getting you off really good").

Sure, if you're faking it a lot, especially if you're not talking about it, that's a problem but the idea of *never* faking it seems a little extreme.

 

[quickfoot]

To me it seems there is a difference between wanting to have some form of sexual contact or pleasuring your partner and being aroused by that but not wanting to actually have PIV intercourse either because you aren't in the mood, too tired, etc and faking the desire completely in some misguided belief that it is good for your relationship or some form of duty.

If you really are not in the mood your partner should respect that, you should not feel the need to fake something, again you set false future expectations.

If you want to work out a compromise, I am not in the mood for <n> tonight but I understand your needs and want to help you by doing <o> that is fine, as long as both people understand where the other is coming from, your SO may also not be interested in having the entire event that night. Doing this also relieves any expectations on him to perform after an event,some guys will hold off finishing so that they can participate in penetration or other activities later (not everyone recovers quickly) so he may more fully relax and enjoy the encounter.

He/she may decide a compromise is fine or may decide they would rather wait for another time when you are in the mood and will be able to enjoy it more fully. Sometimes people don't realize when even their closest friends are stressed or have just had a bad day.

In the end for me it comes down to faking it is deceitful and as noted in the other posts will probably bite you at some other time.

For me the problem would not be my wife not being in the mood at a particular time, but that she faked something that is intended to be intimate and giving and did not feel that she could openly communicate her feelings to me.

Being with a woman is great when she is in to it, but I think that some people overvalue PIV sex, guys can accomplish the same outcome faster and with less effort by themselves and without having to worry about a partner, for me at least the mere act of penetration is not the attraction to it and in my opinion intentionally withholding an element of it is morally incorrect. In the end good communication in this matter as in so many others is key, most the time people aren't as good at faking it as they think they are anyway .

 

[SexyChele]

My apologies for all for not being around this weekend to respond. I was, uh, a bit busy.

However, I am thankful for the wonderful mix of opinions and responses! Thank you all!

Just a little clarification: This thread was not meant to be about faking an orgasm. (Warrior Queen, I do completely understand the point you were trying to make) And, I am not talking about a spouse who, at the end of a particularly tiring or stressful day, lets their partner know they just are not in the mood. What was relayed through the program is that strange phenomenon where a woman (and I suppose a man as well) loses their sexual desire for their partner. For whatever reason. It might be physical. It may be emotional. Could be stress. Could be all those and more. The advice given this woman was that she was married to this man, he expected sex (this was implied as the woman never stated if her husband had been told/realized his wife's lack of desire), and the woman was under a certain obligation to provide her husband with that physical intimacy. I have heard of women calling in previously stating they had - for whatever reason - no longer felt "chemistry" towards their husbands, to which Dr Laura replies that she "doesn't know what that means." (I do swear, I think that woman is daft sometimes!)

Anyways, the "faking" part involves a woman who feels no physical attraction towards her partner whatsoever and is being told that because he must sacrifice to make her happy, it is her lot to sacrifice to make him happy. I hope that makes things a bit clearer?

Oh, and there have definitely been times when I felt tired or out of sorts and the last thing on my mind was sex. Yet, a bit of kissing, cuddling, teasing, etc, did get my libido going to where I really did want sex and enjoyed it. I think almost everyone has gone through that once or twice at least in their lifetimes?

 

[Bobmi357]

Anyways, the "faking" part involves a woman who feels no physical attraction towards her partner whatsoever and is being told that because he must sacrifice to make her happy, it is her lot to sacrifice to make him happy. I hope that makes things a bit clearer?

Ok, lets think about this one for a second. First off, lets forget Dr. Laura, she's emotionally and intellectually constipated. Lets put this into an non-gender related relief.

If you are talking about an occasional thing, then I still don't see any problem in giving in once in a while to your partner's needs. Mind you, I'm talking about either partner here.

On the other hand if one partner has no "physical attraction towards her/his partner whatsoever" and this is an ongoing thing, then there is a lot more here to worry about than just giving in.

So yeah, I will say there is nothing wrong with occasionally giving in to your partner's needs. On the other hand if you findself ALWAYS giving in to your partners needs and never seem to get turned on by your partner, then I'd say you have a much deeper problem than just worrying about giving in.

 

[ReadyOne]

My ex was very good at "faking" attention, as if I couldn't tell. She would be pissed off as hell at someone (or the kids) one instant, and the next instant so very kind, loving, willing, and devoted to me. And when we finished interacting, she was instantly back to one pissed off lady.

I figured out quick that she did it because her behavior toward me was what she believed that a wife should give a husband.

Underneath, she was mad at me, and it grew so strong, that soon after she anounced her intention to divorce I had to get a restraining order.

Fake it once if you have to, but don't make it a habit!!!!

 

[strgzr1230]

my body....

Maybe I am just not very nice when it comes to these things, but if I don't want sex at a particular time, It's not happening. My take is it's my body. If my body isn't into it, How good could it be for the other party? I have friends who feel obligated to have sex every time a lover wants to, And it ends up being dull, unemotional, lay there sex. So as for me, Not in the mood? No dice.
















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[ExtacyCouple]

It's funny, I read this thread origionally on Friday and then on Monday I was listening to Dr. Luara (crazy bitch) and a woman called with a very similar problem. the advice was a little different as she did not say "fake it" but rather you better get in there and make him happy. Not sure what the real answer is to these problems but I think her advice is over simplified and she is setting these people up for a disaster if she thinks someone can just jump in and change their attitude like that. I do believe that these people should really put some effort into solving there problems and not just saying that I have lost my desire so deal with it. My opinion is that if a couple can't enjoy each other on every level they should not just accept that thats just the way it is. But I too live in the real world and know that that is a hard thing to accomplish on a daily basis and my opinion is directed at more long term problems.

 

[SexyChele]

It's funny, I read this thread origionally on Friday and then on Monday I was listening to Dr. Luara (crazy bitch) and a woman called with a very similar problem. the advice was a little different as she did not say "fake it" but rather you better get in there and make him happy.

I didn't catch her program on Monday - had the day off from work and just had too many other things going on. However, it does seem she gets at least one of these types of calls a day. (I never knew this situation was so common!) While I do firmly belive that this Laura person minimizes the problems presented to her, I also feel suspect towards the people that call in. I mean, really, calling a radio talk show for serious relationship issues!?!? Didn't really think of it until now, but I think that has signs of a larger problem.

But....I'll still listen in on occasion!

 

[ExtacyCouple]

I didn't catch her program on Monday - had the day off from work and just had too many other things going on. However, it does seem she gets at least one of these types of calls a day. (I never knew this situation was so common!) While I do firmly belive that this Laura person minimizes the problems presented to her, I also feel suspect towards the people that call in. I mean, really, calling a radio talk show for serious relationship issues!?!? Didn't really think of it until now, but I think that has signs of a larger problem.

But....I'll still listen in on occasion!

I think alot (not all) of these people call in looking for her to say well if you don't want to have sex then don't and you husband is a jerk for wanting it to much. They are in for a big surprise when she says the exact opposite and tells them to just do it weather they like it or not. I think the answer is somewhere in the middle and Dr. Luara will never be the person to help you through that problem. She is good at question like "I havn't talked to my father in 15 years and I am afraid to tell him I don't want him to walk me down the isle when I get married. What should I do?"

Actually, I don't even think she is good at those questions...lol

The bigger problem here is what the hell am I doing listening to Dr. Luara so much....

 

[BTK51]

I don’t think that there is an answer to this question other than, it depends. IMO there truly is an obligation of sorts for physical intimacy in most relationships. I know relationships (and very happy ones) that have none, and I just think it’s weird – but it works for them so who am I to pass judgment? The net of it is that the two people have to communicate these issues and reach agreement.

There are lots of things that all of us do for our partners in our relationships that we exaggerate our enthusiasm for or pretend that we like it so as to either give to, or not take away any the enjoyment from them. Is this really any different? Let me use an example:

I used to enjoy going clothes shopping just for my wife along with her. I would never suggest doing it but I did enjoy it a little, a very little. Now I hate it. It would be my own personal challenge on Fear Factor, which afterwards, I’d be off the show! She loves having me go with her to “get my opinion”, which I might add she never takes, but that’s a topic for a different thread. I will try (and it takes a lot of effort) to be enthusiastic about it. Sometimes, I actually pull it off and she’ll say something afterwards like “see how much you enjoyed that”. She had so much fun that I’d feel like a prick telling her the truth. Am I being dishonest and deceitful, or am I trying to give of myself. I think the latter.

Now let’s take the situation back to sex. IMO there is an obligation in a committed relationship to make your partner happy in all sorts of things, and especially, this? I want to make my wife happy (well most times I do) and do all sorts of things just for her. As long as it is not hurting me shouldn’t I make an attempt to pleasure her (and vice versa)? If I’m not willing to give permission for her to be with another man, and until another compromise can be reached, don’t I have that obligation to give her sexual enjoyment? And if just going through the motions and making it obvious how disinterested I am ruins it for her, wouldn’t I also have the obligation to fake it?

In a perfect world communication works and a compromise is reached. I am going under the assumption that this is not a once-in-a-while thing for her to call in a radio show. There have been many of those “I’m just not in the mood right now” things for us over the years and each one has been negotiated individually. Sometimes, the horny one backs off and sometimes he/she presses one more time (and sometimes one more time after that). We usually figure out who has the higher degree of horniness or unhorniness (how’s that for a word?) and that person wins out. It is always just a matter of having to make the effort because once the decision is made to “go for it” both of us get off, hence no need to fake orgasms.

There have been times when she has cuddled up to me and whispered “I’m really horny” or something similar and I’m about 30 seconds away from deep REM sleep. I’ve faked enthusiasm when all I wanted to do was doze off. I also know that a lot of those times, let’s just say weren’t exactly the most memorable sexual experiences for her. She never told me how bad I was. Was she being deceitful when she’d bullshit me by saying how good it was for her? I think not! --- Did I know the truth? Yeah, I sucked and should have made more of an effort.

 

[Falkieri]

There is a difference, though, between trying to please your partner by "faking it" during those times you're just not in the mood, and having no sexual attraction for your SO. Doing things to please your partner is part of loving them, just going along with whatever (s)he wants all the time shows there are problems that are likely to cascade to even bigger problems for the relationship as a whole.

 

[BTK51]

I agree but ...

There is a difference, though, between trying to please your partner by "faking it" during those times you're just not in the mood, and having no sexual attraction for your SO. Doing things to please your partner is part of loving them, just going along with whatever (s)he wants all the time shows there are problems that are likely to cascade to even bigger problems for the relationship as a whole.

I didn't get the impression that this was an all the time thing. Anyone who gets what they want all the time points out to me a BIG problem area exists somewhere. That needs to be addressed somehow.

A relationship should always be give-and-take. Some situations call for a bigger give than others. As long as the person giving is okay with that, there shouldn't be a problem.

While I was trying to address the occasional or short-term thing, it could be applicable on a long-term basis if the giving person is okay with it. It is a fine line between give-and-take and taking advantage of/being taken advantage of.

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

Well honesty and comprimise are very important parts of a relationship, I think that the intimite side of a relationship needs extra care. For most people it's the most difficult part of a relationship to talk about, and comprimising about sex is in essence comprimising your body. I'm not saying you shouldn't comprimise, but when comprimising about intimite things you have to be very careful to not do/say something you will regret.

And to Pruh, male orgasms are not as uniform as you may think. Mine are pretty varied themselves, covering the lines between barely a muscle twitch at orgasm to full-on muscle convulsing orgasms. I havn't heard of many other men like that, but I am proof they are out there ^_^

-Zergplex

 

[BTK51]

Re: Zergplex Says

I havn't heard of many other men like that, but I am proof they are out there ^_^

-Zergplex

There is a big difference in my orgasms as well. I don't believe that it is uncommon at all. I have never had a conversation about about my orgasms with another guy & I don't know of any guy who has had that conversation. I always thought that was the norm.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I absolutely will not fake pleasure. Sorry, no dice. I don't believe in stroking a man's ego like that in bed, because doing so not only gives him a false sense of accomplishment, it leaves me hanging, wanting more, and unsatisfied. Not a great situation.

My S/O and I don't often have interests that conflict that badly that we'd have to 'make it up' to each other. Granted, he didn't want to come to my company's Christmas dinner, but the deep-tissue massage I gave him afterword made it worth it to him. (Notice, no faking for me, I just returned a favour with another kind of pleasure). He watches hockey. Incessantly. I often miss out on getting laid because of hockey. So, when there's a game on, and I don't feel like watching (sometimes I do, sometimes I don't), I go downstairs, and play on the computer, or watch a movie, or something. In that case, we're both doing something we want to do, and when both things are done, we crawl into bed together, and fall asleep in each other's arms.

In regards to Dr Laura, who I think is a misogyinistic bible-thumping moron, I can understand 'faking it' as far as 'my husband didn't want to go to that chick flick, so I'll go to an actioni movie later with him'. I get that. Returning the favour in kind. I don't have a problem with that. I have a problem when a woman, who may be a stay-at-home mom, and whose husband may be the 'breadwinner', is told by Dr Laura that her only method of 'returning the favour' is by faking it in the bedroom, by giving in to her husband's desires. So what, women are back to the stage where we're thought of as empty-headed baby-making machines?

Like seriously. That stay-at-home mom could cook her husband a lovely dinner. She could send the child to stay with grandma, and they could have an evening of watching movies, maybe a foot massage for him, whatever. She can 'repay' his efforts in many ways outside of the bedroom.

Any relationship that adheres to that kind of advice is disfunctional, and headed for severe resentment, and Lorenna Bobbit futures.

 

[sexxyange1]

I made the mistake of 'faking it' with my SO. It on ly left me unsatisfied, and when i fessed up he felt betrayed *(who can blame him) now that i've been honest, were working more on me being honest abuot my pleasure, so far i've had no need to fake it! Communication seems to be the key. Committed partners are usually really into pleasing one another