"Fake it" or no?

[SexyChele]

Okay, I admit it! I listen to Dr Laura at work. Can't help myself! While I disagree with a majority of what she says (I feel she is just "preachy" and self-righteous), I find her program entertaining and truly feel for some of the people that call in.

A little background: a couple of days ago a woman called into the program and said she was having difficulty feeling sexual towards her husband. Rather than attempting to find out what was going on in this woman's life or recommending this woman might want to look into counseling, Dr. Laura told this woman she should give into her husband's demands for sex, regardless of whether or not the woman feels sexual towards her husband. Dr Laura's premise was that this woman's husband provided for her, took care of her, and therefore was entitled to a wife who was willing to have sex - no matter what.

Today, Dr. Laura read a letter (supposedly) from another woman who stated that she knew women might have issues with being told to "fake it" with their husbands. However, husbands have to "fake it" when they attend social functions they'd rather not or being pleasant to their kids when they had had a bad day. In the end, this woman who wrote the letter stated that "faking it" was really putting love in front of mood.

This kind of struck me and I just wanted to find out what folks here thought of this type of reasoning.

For me, I firmly believe there are compromises made in any relationship, especially marriage. Just as men might be obligated to attend social functions they'd rather not for their wives sake, many women feel obligated to go along with things their husbands want to do that they would rather not do. Example: I'm not a fan of sci fi or action movies, but my S/O loves them. I go with him or watch them when he rents them (and even if I don't like the movie, I enjoy the time we are together), but he returns that by going/doing things I like to do that he isn't always interested in.

However, when it comes to the physical side of our relationship, I think it's different. I would NOT want him to "fake it" that in any way just to make me feel better. At the same time, he has always been respectful if I let him know that I'm just not feeling amorous for whatever reason that evening. We cuddle, we kiss, we call it an evening and neither one of us feels badly about it.

Hopefully, if one or the other of us feels we are no longer physically turned on by the other, we will have the ability to either discuss it or seek outside help.

But....what do those here think? Should a wife "fake" her desire for sex (either for one night or an extended period of time) with her husband/SO/boyfriend simply because he "fakes" other things in life? Is this a fair exchange? And I am very interested in knowing how men think/feel. Would you want your wife/SO to fake her desire just for the sake of letting you get off? Most of the men I've talked to have said if a woman isn't into sex, they'd rather pass it up, but maybe there is something I'm missing?

Sorry for the length, all. But you know how verbose I can be!!

 

[biker50]

faking it

I don't know about other men, so I will not pretend to speak for anyone other than myself.
I would NOT want my wife to "fake it" and pretend that she was enjoying sex when she isn't. I think any man or woman that truely knows their s/o can TELL if it is faked or not.
Just because someone is on the radio spewing out advice doesn't mean he or she knows what they are talking about.
I have listed to Dr. Laura at times also, and most of the time she comes off as someone who is pretty off the wall.
In my opinion, someone who "fakes it" is afraid to communicate with their spouse. Yes, there are always going to be times when sex is less enjoyable than at other times, yet with open and loving communication the lovemaking sessions can get better and better.
Yes, both men and women do things within the marriage that they are doing ONLY because they know it will please the other, marriage is afterall a game of give and take."faking it" to me is being dishonest with ones self AND ones mate.

 

[CelticFrog]

Today, Dr. Laura read a letter (supposedly) from another woman who stated that she knew women might have issues with being told to "fake it" with their husbands. However, husbands have to "fake it" when they attend social functions they'd rather not or being pleasant to their kids when they had had a bad day. In the end, this woman who wrote the letter stated that "faking it" was really putting love in front of mood.

Hell of a question, Chele!!!

I agree with your position and want to expound on it (as usual...)

I understand that men often have to 'fake it' when attending social functions. But like you said, I also have to 'fake it' when he wants to watch a great many of his movies. Women 'fake it' just as often as men in their relationships regardless of the sex.

Sure, in this case, 'faking it' is putting love in front of mood. So?

Wouldn't 'faking it' it in this situation also entail the husband understanding that his wife (just assume here that I'm also talking SOs) just doesn't WANT to have sex right then?

In that situation, why is the woman being expected to 'fake it' more than the man?
When does it become a question of selling out?
When does it no longer become a partnership and instead a competition?

I will say that sometimes, it could be a good thing to 'give in' and more or less allow him to 'have his way'.
Before I'm flamed for this opinion, let me explain in terms of my marriage. I tend to have a really hard time getting turned on in the context of daily life. My mind seems to be more in control than it 'should' be. Physicality almost NEVER turns me on without the mind behind it.
Sometimes, J will approach me, turned on. And my subconscious will roll its eyes. Still, I'm not really 'against' the idea of sex, just not 'for' it either. I don't really want sex, but I am WILLING to 'fake it' for his sake. THAT there is an important factor. Generally, once we get into it, and he does the moves that he knows I like, my mind gets more into it and my body follows. I end up enjoying it. Like a movie that we rent even though I don't really want to watch it. I'll sit through it with J, just to be with him, and sometimes I find that I have really enjoyed the movie, despite my expectations.

So in ONE SPECIFIC context, in SOME situations, 'faking it' in my opinion is understandable, even encouraged. However, in pretty much any other sexual context, it turns my stomach.

My three.
Ang

 

[SexyChele]

Re: faking it

Yes, both men and women do things within the marriage that they are doing ONLY because they know it will please the other, marriage is afterall a game of give and take."faking it" to me is being dishonest with ones self AND ones mate.

Thank you so much for your opinion and feelings! My SO and I are lucky in that we are at ease talking about sex, but it's always nice to know what men in general think!

Oh, and welcome to Lit!

 

[SexyChele]

Re: Re: "Fake it" or no?

Hell of a question, Chele!!!

<SNIP>

So in ONE SPECIFIC context, in SOME situations, 'faking it' in my opinion is understandable, even encouraged. However, in pretty much any other sexual context, it turns my stomach.

My three.
Ang

Thank you, Ang!

Actually, your specific situation makes a good deal of sense. I could see a woman who is busy with household duties, kids, family, etc might not think about sex or be in the mood at the drop of a hat. But it seems as though you and your husband have worked out your own way of settling this and it seems to be mutually satisfying. And that's all that matters, right?

The woman on the radio a few days ago was of a mind that her husband no longer turned her on, period. It didn't sound as though it were a periodic thing or that she was distracted. She simply had no desire for her husband at all. I just think that telling this woman to "do it" to keep hubby happy was totally wrong. Eventually, as biker50 stated, her husband is going to know that she isn't into it, she going to build up resentment at having to "fake it", and this could lead to the destruction of a marriage. The sad part is, had this woman received advice (which hopefully she still might) that perhaps she seek out counseling, she might be able to get to the root of her problem.

Sometimes these radio talk show hosts just make my blood boil!!

 

[Missingmeds]

Absolutely no faking. If something needs to change then so be it. But faking is not the answer. Because at some point someone is going to find out and that will just make bad matters worse, in my personal opinion.

 

[midwestyankee]

Faking it is dishonest, period, end of story.

And if a man is at all paying attention to his lover, he will know she is faking it. There is no "eventually" about it in this case.

My wife and I have experienced numerous periods where her interest is very low, often due to fatigue. Even though we've gone ahead with sex sometimes despite this, it was often very unsatisfying. Now I would rather just wait for another night when her energy level is higher.

It isn't easy to admit that you aren't excited about making love to your wife or husband. But I would think that at some level it would also be very difficult to live with your own dishonesty if you established a pattern of faking your interest for some reason.

Just my 2 pennies worth, in late remembrance of Abe's birthday.

 

[SlowGuy]

I guess I see two parts to this. One is engaging in sex when you don't really feel like it, the other is faking enthusiasm you don't feel -- up to faking an orgasm.

I've had sex with my SO when I didn't feel like it because she was really horny. I did my best to satisfy her, talking dirty and such not, but I didn't orgasm and I stopped when she did. She's done the same thing. We've also begged off when we weren't in the mood at all.

So, I think it's okay to do occasionally, if it's done out of desire to please rather than a sense of obligation. If there is *never* any sexual desire in your relationship, then there is a severe problem that needs to be addressed right away.

OTOH, faking an orgasm is going too far, in my opinion. It implies everything is fine when it's not, and if your SO needs that kind of validation every time you have sex, something is wrong.

Of course, I tend to see everything in shades of gray, so I may not be the best person to ask.

 

[Guest]

I'd have to say that I wouldn't want my wife to fake it. There are times when she doesn't get off, and she'll tell me. Not rudely or pointing and laughing, but she'll just say that she didn't have an orgasm. That doesn't happen often, and when it does, she says its just because she might be tired or something, but she still enjoyed being with me. She still feels good knowing she got me off. I think women who fake for years and years, and then complain because their husband never pleases them have created their own problem. If he thinks he's pleasing her, he's not going to change anything. Just my 2 cents.

 

[warrior queen]

ok, i DON'T agree with faking orgasm.
ever.

BUT......

i have read many studies that show that the more you have sex, the more the desire to have sex is stimulated.
so......... if i fake being 'in the mood' in order to actually have sex, then end up enjoying the act, with or without having an orgasm, then my desire to repeat the experience is increased.
yes, i have tried and tested this, and i find that if my libido is slightly low, but i go ahead and have sex anyway (and given that i pretty much always enjoy my encounters when they happen), then i find that i am actually looking forward to repeating it.
and it builds from there.
if i have sex once a day, then my desire increases to wanting it twice a day. not only that, because i am anticipating it, i also find that orgasm tends to come quicker as well.

it seems to work for all my friends that have tried it also.
all of them have reported a renewed interest in sex, and that was after they 'faked' desire and 'gave in' to having sex with their partners.

so in certain circumstances, i would have to say that i agree with 'faking it' in order to work towards ultimately fixing whatever caused the problem in the first place.

 

[CelticFrog]

I may be jumping the gun here, but I think something I stated in my previous post may have been totally misunderstood.

Then again, it may just be a misunderstood thread in general.

The way I see it, this thread is not about faking orgasm. In any way. Merely faking the desire for sex.

Having said that, I am getting the feeling that maybe my original post was taken to say that faking an orgasm was okay. Although I have no clue as to where that conclusion could have been achieved, I am going to state for the record NOW that I never said that.

Nor have I seen anyone saying that in this thread, which is a good thing.

Ang

 

[Needssome]

All I have to say is Dr. Laura has a Ph.D. in physiology - not exactly a degree that should give you any credibility when dispensing advice. Unfortunately you stick the word Dr. in front of someone's name and everybody thinks you know everything (okay once I get my Ph.D. I won't be complaining but until then...).

On the flip side as well, a complete disinterest in sex can be both psychological or biological. The woman could have a medical condition that has rid her of her sex drive. She should be visiting her doctor and getting herself checked out and then deciding whether she should be faking it or not.

 

[SensualCealy]

Okay guys,
I have only one thing to say- "Whiskey Dick!"
Who in their right mind wants to mess with a man with Whiskey dick, they can fuck all night and get nothing accomplished!! Its easier to do the 'Ohs and Ahhhhs' to get things done and hes none the wiser.

Many, many times Ive had to GET in the mood when I really wasnt only so I didnt have to listen to the pouting and forever hearing, you never want to do it. MGM- We do it as often as you ask!!! Or heaven forbid us women of child bearing years take a WEEK off, the answer to that one is- you have a mouth dont you!

Now if you have read any of my replies you will know Im up for pretty much anything, but why do men NEED it NOW and us women can wait until the men are no longer tired? I just dont get it.

Oh sorry the answer to your question is- Yes faking an orgasm can help you deal with your marriage if it pleases him and you can get some sleep to deal with the other 40000 jobs you have to do tomorrow!!

On to happier topics,
Cealy

 

[VSE]

Should a wife "fake" her desire for sex (either for one night or an extended period of time) with her husband/SO/boyfriend simply because he "fakes" other things in life? Is this a fair exchange? And I am very interested in knowing how men think/feel. Would you want your wife/SO to fake her desire just for the sake of letting you get off?

Erm, I dont think I can quite reconcile this one. Because I might feign interest in being dragged round a personal hell hole like a shopping centre (mall?) my imaginary SO should put any personal feelings aside and let me fuck her?

I would be appalled to find out that she'd "put out" purely as an exchange for me (to use the above example) having trawled round a shopping centre. If I want to fuck someone who isnt interested in it, I'll skip the crap I dont want to do and go see a prostitute.

If I'm that horny, I'll sidle off somewhere quiet and have a wank, sex isnt about me alone, its a joint excercise, if you aren't enjoying it, nor am I (and yes, I was a crap shag long enough to recognise the "haven't you finished yet?" signs).

Doing the dirty when you'd rather just go to sleep is one thing (or is it? ), but when it turns into "if I let you spill your mess will you wash the car, come shopping, clean the oven etc etc" then there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship imo.

with regards to the faking the orgasm thing, personally I'd rather you didn't. Put simply, if you pretend to enjoy it that much I'll be running around thinking I'm casanova and I'll be doing exactly the same thing next time round (wow I never knew me leaving the room and going to watch TV got her that hot!)

 

[Tchalla]

I don't think that there is anything wrong with occasionally having sex with your partner when you aren't in the mood and you are doing it to please them. I think that it is common for 2 people to just have different libidos.

My GF and I have each had times when we had sex just to please the other. Neither of us feels obligated to do it but we want to please each other. There have been times when one of us said no and that is ok.

 

[warrior queen]

I may be jumping the gun here, but I think something I stated in my previous post may have been totally misunderstood.

Then again, it may just be a misunderstood thread in general.

The way I see it, this thread is not about faking orgasm. In any way. Merely faking the desire for sex.

Having said that, I am getting the feeling that maybe my original post was taken to say that faking an orgasm was okay. Although I have no clue as to where that conclusion could have been achieved, I am going to state for the record NOW that I never said that.

Nor have I seen anyone saying that in this thread, which is a good thing.

Ang

i am fully aware that your original post was not about faking orgsm......

however, i thought it was necessary to put that into my post, because the second anyone reads or hears those two words - fake it - the inference is there in the mind that they're referring to orgasm, as opposed to any other form of faking it.

and i wanted to make the clear distinction between the two.

hazarding here.... that most other posters in this thread are also making things clear as to them not meaning faking orgasm.

 

[Bobmi357]

Celtic is right, this isn't about faking an orgasm, that particular topic is down three threads, second door to the right.

I suppose its ok to occasionally give in to a partner wanting sex when the other isn't in the mood. But occasionally, not a continual thing or on an ongoing basis.

What bothers me about this thread is that there is an implied assumption that "giving in" to your partner is somehow violating your rights or something. Warriorqueen makes an excellent case for someone that is trying to rebuild a loss of libido (and I'd still like to find those references you once mentioned WQ).

Is it wrong to give in to the desires of one's partner, be those desires carnal, or more in the nature of seeing a movie you know you're going to hate? I think we all have to compromise when we're in a relationship. We've all heard the comments about chic flicks, or dumb action movies, but compromise is part of a stable relationship. Without it, the relationship becomes lop sided. And its not something worth keeping score over. I don't know about others, but I don't say "I had to take you to that chic flick, now you've got to blow me".

Life is full of compromises, the difference it to know when you're compromising and when you're being taken advantage of.

I don't mind some of the chick flicks my wife has brought home, but some of her movies I absolutely refuse to sit through (I hate cowboy movies). That doesn't mean she can't watch them, it just means I'll go do something else while she's watching her movie.

Being in a relationship isn't a game for points, we compromise because the health and happiness of our mates is important to us.

 

[angela146]

Instead of "faking it", I usually tell my husband, "I'm not horny but I wouldn't mind laying back for you."

On those rare occasions when I'm not in the mood to have sex and he is, I can usually find a way of giving my husband a good time, Cuz I'm almost always in a mood to make him happy.

Besides that, it's fun to see him have an orgasm at a moment when I'm not wrapped up in my own desire. He looks really cute when he's getting off.

I get that back from him all the time. He goes down on me, fingers me and sometimes even fucks me when he's not in the mood (yes, it's possible). It isn't a case of paying each other back for stuff the other does. It's more that we take pleasure in giving pleasure to each other.

 

[ToXicGiirl]

I fake it when I'm fucking a drunk person. Drunk men last forever and a fucking day. I feel bad cuz I get bored.

 

[College_geek]

Instead of "faking it", I usually tell my husband, "I'm not horny but I wouldn't mind laying back for you."

On those rare occasions when I'm not in the mood to have sex and he is, I can usually find a way of giving my husband a good time, Cuz I'm almost always in a mood to make him happy.

Besides that, it's fun to see him have an orgasm at a moment when I'm not wrapped up in my own desire. He looks really cute when he's getting off.

I get that back from him all the time. He goes down on me, fingers me and sometimes even fucks me when he's not in the mood (yes, it's possible). It isn't a case of paying each other back for stuff the other does. It's more that we take pleasure in giving pleasure to each other.

I like the sound of that idea. As long as the guy is okay with it, (I would have thought that guys would love to get off and not have to worry about the female once in a while, but I've met a lot of guys who don't enjoy it unless the female is...) I think that would be a good way to manage it.

 

[cb_63]

Just my opinion, but Dr. Laura is an idiot. She preaches too much and takes herself WAY to seriously. I'd rather watch Jerry Springer- at least he knows you know he's full of shit

As for faking it- Stupid! I'm a firm believer that most of our problems with sex (or anything else for that matter) is that we don't communicat as well as we should. I, myself, tend to project how I think others feel about something and gear up my opinion with that in mind. You can imagine that I have been WAY wrong and surprised many times. So sometimes a woman (or a man) doesn't feel sexy or interested at that time- shouldn't their partner understand this and care more baout how they feel than getting their rocks off?

 

[Youkikun]

I've never listened to Dr. Laura, but from what you say, she sounds horrible

when I'm having sex, I don't want my girlfriend or wife to fake it. I only want to have sex if she wants to. even if I'm horny as hell, I'm not going to make her do it when she doesn't want to. I'll just go jerk off or something...

so faking is a bad thing

 

[quickfoot]

I don't think that anyone but the most shallow person would want their spouse to fake either orgasm or interest in sex when it is not there.

For me knowing the other person is not really interested and is simply submitting for my benefit completely destroys the desire or ability to actually have sex, I am completely uninterested and even if the ability was there it would be a complete waste of time for both of us.

In my opinion faking either one is harmful instead of hepful to the relationship. Even if the other spouse never finds out they are leading the more driven spouse to believe they have a higher sex drive than they really do and that they are making them orgasm which they probably aren't.

At some point the person will revert to what is natural to them leaving the more driven spouse wondering what has happened to so suddenly and drastically change their sex life.

The only time I listen to DR Laura is when I am taking the world too seriously and need to laugh at someone's completely uninformed, uneducated, unconsiderate and generally stupid view on life.

 

[Etoile]

While we're admitting what radio shows we listen to...can I admit an unhealthy enjoyment of Loveline?

 

[LuckyDragon]

Faking it should be outlawed! It makes your hair to grow back into your head causing tumors. FOR BOTH PARTNERS!

Really it sucks if she isn't getting everything out of it that I am. But some times after a week without sex my high moral ground gets pretty shallow. Then I really don't mind if she fakes it, hell it beats fucking her while she sleeps.

Note to fakers: Take it from behind, that way you can concentrate on faking body movements and don't have to worry about whether you look like your having the big O.