Fairly new writer

[Zraii]

I have made three submissions so far and would welcome feed back on any of them. All three are in the erotic couplings group and listed in the order they were created.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=425458
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=428527
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=433921

 

[Hotcappucino]

Not much of a plot to all three stories; they are, basically, three sex scenes. I prefer a bit longer story, where we get to know the characters a little better.

I personally don't care for stories in the second-person present (you do this, then you do that). It makes your reader feel like they're the woman (in the case of these stories), which is not the point-of-view favored by most male readers. I would suggest changing to third-person (he did this, then she did that), or first person (I did this, then she did that). And change from present tense to past. There's a tendency for some beginning writers to use second-person present because they want the story to sound like it's happening now, but it actually turns out very awkward, and changing to either first-person past or third-person past would be much better. Leave second-person present to cybersex sessions.

There are some punctuation corrections that need to be made in all three stories, and I think the wording needs to be tightened up a little. For example (from The Dinner):

"Now, I want it now" You say as you grab my hair and pull me up from between your legs by the hair with both hands.​

The word "hair" is used twice in this sentence, i.e., it's redundant. Try something like:

"Now, I want it now," you say as you grab my hair with both hands and pull me up from between your legs.​

Or in first-person past:

"Now, I want it now," she groaned lustily, grabbing my hair with both hands and pulling me up from between her legs.​

The sex, itself, is well described in all three stories, but the paragraphs should be broken up in The Dinner.