Fairies and Leprechuans

[Beatles5]

This is a poem called Fairies and Leprechuans that I wrote sometime ago. I am very interested in finding out what you think. Hope you enjoy it. Bare in mind that I can't really think right now because my very rude and foul mouthed neighbor is having a very loud phone conversation right underneath my window.

Here it is:

Fairies and Leprechuans...by Beatles5

Flying and dancing,
On the invisible winds of nature's ways.
They have occupied our minds...
In countless ways.

Teasing us with their fairy dust,
And hiding their pots of gold.
They have tended to our imaginations...
And thus made us grow.

But alas; I am afraid,
We have rejected the beautiful gardens of our minds,
That they made.

And have allowed our passionate nature to die;
Thus causing,
The last of The Fairies and Leprechuans...
To fly away.

Let me know what you think.

Wanted to work on Eroticism but I can't because I feel so uninspired.

 

[OT]

It reads more like a short essay rather than a poem.
(AKA, too wordy)

Since you've adopted free-form (no specific rhyming scheme or format) the first thing you should think about is how to scrub every line and stanza and see if you can reword to make it more interesting. Sometimes it helps to go so far as to actaully write in complete sentences the point you are trying to make in each stanza.

A first blush attempt at condensing the first few lines might go something like:

flying and invisible
dancing on the wind
they've occupied our minds
with dust and pots of gold

Since Fairies is in the title, you can do things like use "dust" by itself and let the reader make the connection to "fairy dust"

 

[WickedEve]

Possibly...

On invisible winds
with gold and dust
they tended our gardens,
nurtured dreams
till minds grew tangled
and the last of them flew away.

This is much shorter than what you wrote but I think it has the same basic message. They tended our imagination till weeds of neglect/rejection caused the last of them to go away.

 

[WickedEve]

One more suggestion (that you can use or lose) has to do with the title. How about Mythical Creatures or Fantasy Figures or something similar to that? I think mentioning dust and gold in the body of the poem is enough to give most of us the clue that you're talking about fairies and leprechauns.