"F-You!"-phemisms

[Guest]

I have to admit, the flame wars on a number of threads are disheartening; but, I've never seen a board NOT devolve into namecalling at some point, so I suppose it's to be expected.

But here's the thing, folks--we're supposed to be WRITERS. Surely, we can do better than to regurgitate insults that most of us learned on our elementary school playgrounds. Yes, there is a certain visceral satisfaction in using four- or five-letter insults, but really!

So, I propose that we elevate the tone of our flame wars by exercising our collective talents to create an extensive list of "F-You!"-phemisms that will replace the crude vulgarities that litter these pages. I think that, in time, such a list could become an invaluable resource!

And, I'll send out the first salvo by suggesting that those who don't agree with my idea would be well served to attempt aerial fornication with a piece of centerless, rotating pastry. *

Ta, all!


* "Go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut."

 

[Chantilyvamp]

I like using the one I came up with in university and a bit drunk (ok a lot drunk) and told someone to 'shove a pissed off porcupine up their ass'

 

[BlackShanglan]

For registering cavalier and humorous disinterest in another's troubles, I have greatly enjoyed my discovery of "Fuck you, Jack, I'm fireproof." I don't know why, but it makes me laugh.

Catch-phrase insults don't often grab me, although "Eat my socks" has a certain gleeful charm. I tend to most admire the more subtle ironic tradition, as in "I assure you that I don't listen to a word from your detractors. Nothing anyone says could possibly make me think less of you."

 

[fieryjen]

"Lick me where I pee"

That one was quite popular with my rugby team.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

As a service to aspiring authors, maybe we need to begin critiquing insults, phillipics, and personal diatribes for style and originality.

Just a thought.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[adetaildiva]

Erm, okay, some oldies, but goodies:

1. take a long walk off a short pier

2. take a north-bound jump into a south-bound mule {I think that's right}

3. bite me

4. sit on it [credit to "Happy Days", '70's TV show]

5. bless you [credit to "Sister Act", movie]

6. up yoah nose wid a rubbah hose [credit to "Welcome Back, Kotter", '70's TV show]

7. May the bird of paradise fly up your nose [credit Little Jimmy Dickens C&W song titled the same, ca. '40's or '50's]



This is fun .......

 

[TheeGoatPig]

Suck my big black boot-lace.

P.S.

anyone who sucks my big black boot lace gets kicked in the face

 

[Ǽltya]

take a north-bound jump into a south-bound mule

I heard it as "you're the north end of a south-bound mule."

Great remembrances.

 

[Trombonus]

"May a plague of Squirrel Monkeys forever torment your twisted soul!"

Hee hee

 

[Brute_Force]

"Suck my dick!" (especially when spoken by a gorgeous woman).

"Sod you!"

"Eat shit and die!"

"Beat it."

 

[starrkers]

My personal favourite:

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.

 

[Katyusha]

"Go plant your posterior on a pile of sour citrus fruits and rotate for awhile."

ETA: "I will beat you about the head and shoulders with a wet lasagna noodle."

 

[Guest]

Oldies but goodies

My personal favourite:

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.

Gotta love Johnny Carson! How about this one: "May a a weird holy man marry your sister."

Or, for those who remember Camel cigarette commercials, "May you walk a mile UNDER a camel."

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

There's always the scathing:

Your dog's ugly and your mother dresses you funny.

Yeah, I know, a bit rough.

Maybe a more authorial put-down:

May all your infinitives be split and your participles dangle.

That'll get 'em.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[maybenicegirl]

Sit and spin!

 

[TE999]

Go pound sand!

 

[cloudy]

"Bless your heart"

(of course, you have to be southern to be able to say it right )

 

[Katyusha]

Maybe a more authorial put-down:

May all your infinitives be split and your participles dangle.

That'll get 'em.

Rumple Foreskin

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! That's awesome, may I steal it?

 

[Boxlicker101]

"Lick me where I pee"

That one was quite popular with my rugby team.

Actually, if you said that to me, I would happily comply.

 

[Boxlicker101]

For registering cavalier and humorous disinterest in another's troubles, I have greatly enjoyed my discovery of "Fuck you, Jack, I'm fireproof." I don't know why, but it makes me laugh.

Catch-phrase insults don't often grab me, although "Eat my socks" has a certain gleeful charm. I tend to most admire the more subtle ironic tradition, as in "I assure you that I don't listen to a word from your detractors. Nothing anyone says could possibly make me think less of you."

I think what Bart Simpson says is "Eat my shorts."

 

[cantdog]

Using insults they have to look up, like, say, pillock, is a good move.

 

[Chantilyvamp]

'go shove a hot poker up your dick'

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! That's awesome, may I steal it?

Only two times: daytime and/or nighttime. Take your pick.

And thanks for the BWAHAHAH etc., etc..

Rumple Foreskin

 

[TheeGoatPig]

'go shove a hot poker up your dick'

I've told my brother to shove a dick up his cock-hole.

 

[Guest]

I don't know, I guess I was thinking of something... more genteel, if less viscerally satisfying. You know:


"You suffer from delusions of adequacy."

"Your village called. They want their idiot back."

"You want to talk? Was it about... anything?"

"You're the only person I've met who's still functional after a complete brain removal."

"Even assuming you might be right... who asked you?"


Or am I just living in the wrong century? DAMN that time-travel machine!