Extremely long post but help is desperately needed.

[BewilderedBitch]

I feel so odd posting this here, writing to faceless strangers whom I strongly feel aren't going to understand my point of view or feelings about all this. My husband thinks I’m being unreasonable and that I should post here to get other peoples feed back, because we’re getting no where on our own with this.

4 months ago my husband, of 6 years, stated he wanted a D/S relationship, with BDSM "play". I'm not exactly 'nilla... been around the block one and a half times, perhaps two or even a bit more.

A bit of history on me - I grew up physically and sexually abused... thought it was done with, dealt with, I survived it and was moving on with my life.

I was in a BDSM relationship for four and a half years before I had to leave for my own emotional sanity... that is not saying any thing negative about the life / life style or the people who enjoy it, not at all...

My boyfriend at the time was into extreme BDSM, with me supposedly Domme, he sub. I was informed of this about 2 months into that relationship, and thought why not, something new, maybe fun, may help me work on issues. He described himself as a pain pig... wanted to be beaten (floggers, paddles, crops, cane - didn't matter, the bigger the thud the better) to the point just before his skin would be raw or broken. Okay... I'm not a sadist, but if this is what gets you hot then I do it out of love. This turned into wanting D/S 24/7, which I couldn't do, I can't keep the mind set 24/7 - am basically an Earthmother type at heart - so scenes then had to become more frequent to compensate and more intense, humiliation play, gender play, water sports as part of humiliation play...and if the scene wasn't intense enough I could forget about sexual gratification for me... this worked for a bit and then all sexual gratification stopped for both he and I unless it was in a rape role play situation.

Okay admittedly I had more emotional issues to deal with than I suspected - hind site is 20/20 and in retelling this, a part of me is horrified and angry with myself that I let myself be treated like this... but I know it was of my own doing because of the emotional belief at the time that I wasn't going to find anyone else that would love me, because of all my issues.

Finally he demanded 24/7, and ended up cheating on our relationship, finding a Mistress on line. I walked in on the two of them - told him he and I needed to talk in a not so nice manner, was furious and enraged and had to go for a drive while she left.... 3 hours later I returned, they were locked in the bedroom still at "play" and didn't come out for another hour... At which time she and he tried to convince me this was a good thing and that this situation could help he and I, by the three of us working together to train me into being the type of Domme he wanted. I should have gotten a tattoo that read doormat on my forehead, cause emotionally fucked up me bought into this game for another month before ending the relationship... She stated she would work with me but that he needed to be trained first... he disappeared with her for 2 weeks, drained our bank account, and tried to show up on my door step at 4 am Christmas morning with out so much as a sorry or Christmas card - sorry that on still hurts. 4 1/2 years of trying to please the fucker, he drains our account to give her a good Christmas, and I get his dirty fucking laundry.... he spent the next two weeks trying to explain to me how this was all part of the plan, he loved me, he wanted me...yadda yadda yadda... I left.

5 years later I meet my husband... we fall in love, get married... and life starts kicking us in the teeth and I mean hard... it seemed like every time we recovered from one event another one was right on its heels to try and knock us down again. A year into our relationship, during some very hard times he met someone on line and was attempting to make arrangements to met her behind my back. He was acting weird, asking questions like what would you do if I ever cheated on you? I, not having just fallen of the turnip truck, got suspicious and snooped on our computer. I found the "love letters" in which they made fun of me, found IM’s to his best friend talking about his plans to meet her and hook up at what was supposed to be a trip to attend a friends wedding. I lost it - confronted him with the information I found and for four days he tried to convince me that he needed this to me happy, for four days of emotional hell I sat crying in our room as he would chat with her in IM’s. I feel he only called it off because he found out something about her past that scared him… reminded him of his last ex. He called it off before any actions were taken, so I forgave him and we had talks about his "needs" for more sex partners outside of our relationship. I thought we had come to the agreement that any journeys outside of our relationship would be taken together, 3somes basically. And all seemed well.

We finally have some peace, start our family, and are looking forward to building a new future and this comes out. He now states wants a D/S relationship with BDSM "play"… okay admittedly my initial reaction was not good. But after evaluating it, the head space I’m in now, how much I love him and am happy I feel with him, and honestly want his happiness too… So I say okay lets try this, I’ll try Domme’ing again for you. Again for love I’m willing to try this again. We have a couple of scenes, somethings work, others don’t, it a learning curb… I’m told it’s not working for him, he can’t / will never see me as his Domme. He explains that all of our relationship we’ve been equals, sexually we’ve been equal, he can’t get into subspace with me because he sees me as his equal. He wants a Mistress outside of our relationship. Again my initial reaction was not warm and fuzzy… more like white hot rage. After much journalizing, trying to work through the rage, which is actually masked hurt and emotional pain - I realize this… I ask what exactly is it that he wants.

He wants a Mistress outside of our relationship. He has found one and has been talking with her for about two weeks. He wants two weekends a month he can go get his needs fulfilled. He ideally wants me to have no involvement in this with him, that his time with Mistress and theirs alone. He’d like for Mistress and I to be friends, knowing that it would be important for me to trust her and not feel threatened by her. Maybe have her over for Sunday dinners. He wants to be "collared" to her in a fashion, perhaps a tattoo or piece of jewelry that he could wear showing he’s hers. He wants to be able to "date" her on special occasions - going out to dinner or a movie, what have you for her birthday and such. He swears that he in loves me and while he may care deeply for his Mistress, his love is mine. He swears he wants us together, to continue building the future we’ve been working for with our family

Here’s why I’m writing - emotionally right now I’m a wreck. I am trying to negotiate with him and keep being told I’m being insecure, controlling, and am not getting his needs. I’ve proposed okay to Mistress but I’m apart of this. Your my husband, we’re on life’s journey together, this journey should be taken together as well. I play some part in this, whether its Co-Domme/ Domme in training under tutelage of Mistress / co-sub, what have you. If you want alone time with Mistress no sex - of any sort, that is ours and I place emotional value or link emotions to sex. (BTW he differentiates lovemaking and sex and doesn’t seem to see my point of view - he would concede oral and intercourse when he wants he’s alone time with Mistress, but looks at me like I have three heads when it comes to sexual touching / mutual masturbation, toy play and such.)

He begrudgingly concedes "sharing" Mistress, but only in a sexual context, meaning I would watch as they had there scene and service his sexual needs afterwards. Which then wouldn't be fair to Mistress so he would then have to take care of her sexual needs. And if I’m completely honest with myself, I don’t know that I want to just watch and then service him… first off it feels patronizing, like he’s saying well if you wont let me have this any other way then you can fuck me but nothing else. Secondly they’ll be throwing dirt on cold lifeless body before I watch as he services her sexual needs.

His ideal and what he keeps pushing for listed things above there… My evolved reply is okay, but if I’m not involved I’m not involved at all - there will be no friendship, I would resent her for having this part of your life that I feel is rightfully mine. There will be no tattoo collaring, and if I had my way no collaring at all, because my understanding and what I was taught to believe is collaring is the same as marriage and you’re married to me and me alone. If you must wear some sort of jewelry for her, it won’t come home, I won’t see it because it would build resentment in me again. I would rather there be no sexual contact, but am conceding against my will to no oral or intercourse. And don’t expect me to be happy with any of this because I feel I’m agreeing to this against my will.

Emotionally - my emotional response, is hurt, anger, feeling like he’s cheating again but this time instead of sneaking around he’s hitting me over the head with it and saying look I’m a good boy, aren’t you proud of me, "I didn’t sneak around on you when I could have"(something he’s actually said). I feel like I’m being told I’m not good enough to be a part of this part of his life, its shacking my sense of security in us, because I am feeling so hurt and angry. He states he needs this to be happy, he states if I want the kind of relationship with him that I desire, this would make him happy and he’d be more ready to meet my desires as well. I feel like I’m being emotional blackmailed, that I’m being told well we’re gonna cut off two of your limbs but the good news is you get to decide which two. If he decides to go forward without me on this journey I don’t see how my resentment and hurt are going to lessen and I certainly don’t see how she and I could ever be "friends". I’d have contact with her for his safety only and it would be all I could do to keep it civil I imagine. I don’t believe he is being completely honest with her about my feelings on this because he has stated she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings and she doesn’t want to steal him away from me. Though he states he’s ideal would be to have a life long D/S relationship with her. Again having been down this road and having been apart of the scene, knowing what emotions can occur between people in a long term D/S relationship, I don’t see how he can state he would never care for her as more than a friend or have a love for her that is more than that of a friend. I feel like I’m being lied to, I feel like I’m being treated as if I were stupid, and I feel like it is completely unfair to me. I have so much built up inside of me right now I feel like I’m going to implode. I don’t want our relationship to end, I do love him, our children, and our family and I feel like he’s using that against me to gain what he wants.

Any advise that might help us find some sort of middle ground would be greatly appreciated.

 

[CutieMouse]

Honestly? I don't see any middle ground.There are people who are poly (and what he is suggesting, IMO, is a form of polyamory); and there are people who aren't. Getting the two to negotiate a compromise, so one partner can have their poly needs fulfilled while the other has their monogomous needs fulfilled... that rarely works. (take it from a girl who tried to compromise)

It sounds like a *lot* of damage has been done; if you wish to remain married, I'd suggest a kink-friendly therapist, as this appears to have waaaaay bigger issues than your average Joe and Jane can manage on their own.

 

[Netzach]

If he's that good at compartmentalizing he should be able to cope with compartmentalizing sex and SM. The argument that his "sexual needs" and her "sexual needs" MUST be "taken care of" is essentially BS.

 

[the captians wench]

Okay, personnally, I think you have every right to be pissed the fuck off!

This crap about not going behind your back, that's all bullshit. It's a line, don't buy it.

If he really needs this to be happy, and he's happy with you, I don't see why he shouldn't be happy with you being apart of all of it.

And like natz said, there's a difference between sm and sex. I get sm from out side sorces, but very rarely does that ever involve sex. Beat the shit out of me all you like, but when it comes to fucking me, I'm picky who does it.

Sounds more to me like he wants this other misstress, but for one reason or another is afraid to let go of you. maybe she has others and he's afraid that if she tires of him he will be left with no one.

And if he really thought that we'd suport him and tell you yes you're being silly you really should let him have his cake and eat it too, then he hasn't been reading this board.

 

[FurryFury]

My goodness, this situation sounds heartbreaking to me. If you can't be comfortable with what he says he "must" have then it seems pretty clear cut to me that he is pushing you to end the marriage no matter what he says.

Perhaps a good kink aware counselor might help as Cutie Mouse said.

If I felt the way you do and my husband acted and said the things you relate your husband did, that would be pretty hard to overcome.

I completely understand Topping because you love someone and want to make them happy, not because you are a Dom. I also understand all too well, what it's like to do things and allow things you later regret because of your own mental and emotional hang ups that keep you with people when you should leave or say no.

*HUG*

I wish you well.

Fury

 

[myinnerslut]

i feel so sorry for the position you are in and i kind of want to whack your husband upside the head for putting you in this situation. i agree cmpletly with wench, there is a difference between sm and sex. i personally would rather walk out then let my SO go to another for gratification, leaving me behind in the dust.

my advice: ask him to put his misstriss plans on hold untill you both get some counseling. he's not being fair to you niether is his mistress. there is nothing wrong with involving an outside source as long as both you and he are happy and truly comfotable with it. it seems like your not so this does not seem advisable at all.

 

[minx1]

*hugs* goodness you must be so stressed right now. I actually find it quite difficult to post on things like this as I would hate to say anything that adds to your worries. but I will give my opinion...

I have tried to be objective and look at it from his point of view and whilst I accept that he has needs and I understand how strong these needs can be on a personal level, I don't agree with the way he has handled it at all. You know him best and hopefully you will know if he is being honest with you or if you have niggling doubts about his honesty. Something wenchie said had also struck me and that was whether he was hedging his bets slightly and waiting to see how things worked out longer term with his Mistress.

Without meaning to sound harsh again I agree with some of wenchies points and I'm afraid I think that at worst he is not being honest and at best extremely naive. Particularly in relation to his feelings towards his mistress. You are right to be concerned D/s relationships can produce some seriously strong bonds. Though I can also accept that some people are able to compartmentalise their feelings.

My main concern is that there doesn't seem to be much consideration here about what your needs are. He tells you that you are ignoring his needs...but what about you?!

I know you want the relationship to work...I completely empathise with you as I had a marriage that I was desperate to save, but you have to ask yourself the question, at what price? Your happiness, your self esteem? your sanity? For me, all of these were at risk and as much as I didn't want to lose my partner I wanted to keep these more.
I know its cliched to say you only get one life, but its so true. I think you have to ask yourself if you are prepared to or more importantly if you are actually able to spend it wondering about them.... what they are doing and feeling miserable.

I hope you can find some middle ground, but I think for it to work you will both need to compromise and in making those compromises you will both need to be completely honest with yourselves in terms of your ability to cope with them. It will be no good doing it begrudgingly otherwise you will end up resenting eachother.
Its good and healthy to compromise, but don't compromise your life away.

I think mis made a good point about getting him to put his plans on hold temporarily whilst you both see a councillor...I think its completely reasonable and imo his reaction to the suggestion will show you how serious he is about saving your relationship

I really wish you luck with this. *hugs*

 

[Yang4yin]

My goodness, this situation sounds heartbreaking to me. If you can't be comfortable with what he says he "must" have then it seems pretty clear cut to me that he is pushing you to end the marriage no matter what he says.

My main concern is that there doesn't seem to be much consideration here about what your needs are. He tells you that you are ignoring his needs...but what about you?!

I agree.

I personally doubt that any amount of counseling will get him to change.

 

[Chicklet]

Bewildered,

You are going through a lot for the people you love. A lot of respect in your direction for being as flexible as you've been with what amounts to cheating husbands.

Polyamory only works if both partners are okay with it. You can't have one family member that sleeps around and the other person is uncomfortable with it.

BDSM is also not always polyamorous. I meet a lot of people online who think that because I'm a sub, I'm okay with them having multiple subs... I want a one on one relationship, without anyone butting in, whether it's a D/s relationship or not.

Okay.

I think that the counselor idea is the BEST idea. Marriage counselor, kink counselor, sex counselor, whatever. Another person to sit and mediate between you and your husband. I can only imagine that they'd be on your side, and try to discuss this issue with your husband without the emotion that is involved. If this kind of thing didn't work, I don't know what else would.

It's really really hard to admit that the person you love is doing things that are hurting you. My initial reaction is always to try to accept them no matter what, and bend to whatever is going to make them happy. But at some point you have to recognize that YOU are not satisfied, and that your happiness and satisfaction ARE AS IMPORTANT AS HIS!

Please be well, please seek professional help. There's no shame in it. It can only help you in the long term as well as the short term.

xoxo.

 

[FurryFury]

This thread illustrates what I tend to see as a major difference between most men and woman.

Men - I want therefore I'm entitled.

Women - I want therefore I am selfish, what can I do for someone else?

Fury

 

[Retrieval]

It sounds to me as if you need to learn a little something called "self respect".

 

[Yang4yin]

This thread illustrates what I tend to see as a major difference between most men and woman.

Men - I want therefore I'm entitled.

Women - I want therefore I am selfish, what can I do for someone else?

Fury

I guess I'm not "most men."

Sorry for the hijack.

 

[Toa_lin]

Okay, first off, he was very smart to send you here to talk to us, and it was very smart of you to do so...

Why? Because if he wants to keep you, he's gonna have to learn that when we all take your side in the matter, he simply has to be dead wrong about you acting silly. Your in the right in my oppinon, you've sacrificed alot for him, and recieved nothing but heart-ache in return. Idk if others here would disagree with me, but my idea of a good-relationship, one where there's marriage and a family involved especially, then the guy simply needs the following mind-set.

"Our love for each-other, and our emotional relationship MUST come first, those things are what matter, the sex(BDSM) is, at best, just the icing on the cake."

And as anybody should know, the icing isn't nescesary to make a great cake

But, if u love him as much as you sound like you do, i'm sure you're still going to try and make it work, so yes, counseling seems to be the best option. Sry if I've not been much help.

 

[Little_Kitten]

I just think that if you're going to agree to his terms, it's gonna damage your mentality alot I'm really sorry for you. All this sounds so agonizing.

Counseling sounds like the best idea at the moment. maybe he needs someone to really make him understand that what he's doing is very destructive, and that it will only damage your relationship.
And... For a sub, i must say he's really selfish... I'd probably get so frustrated with these kinds of men that.. well I dunno.. I'd do SOMEthing bad.

I'd either try to solve it through counseling and stuff... or leave him. I know you love him, but is it really worth all the pain and agony? I just hope you'll make the right decision for YOU.. and no matter how much he says that you're just paranoid or silly, it wont make it true. If your feelings are true to you, he has no rights to minimize them. Your feelings are important to you, and it's very important that you follow your instincts and guts than having someone destroy you emotionally.

I hope all goes well for you. i'k crossing my fingers.

 

[Vessira]

There is no middle ground. He sent you here, so we would talk you into being okay with letting him do what he wants since he couldn't do it on his own. There's nothing wrong with the type of relationship he proposes, so long as you are okay with it. You are not. And there's nothing WRONG with you for feeling that way. In my opinion, despite his facade, he continues to disrespect you, and feeds you bullshit to keep you placated. "I can't see you as my domme because we're equals". Absolute horseshit. My Dom is my equal 90% of the time, and my lesser the other 10% because while I relinquish control to him, I am ultimately the one with all the power. Sure in bed and certain areas, he calls the shots. But when it comes down to the relationship, I am the one who calls the shots. I'm the one with "veto" power when it comes to stuff he wants to try. If it's something I'm not comfortable with, it's my right to not do it. It's the same thing with your marriage. He wants all this freedom to be with other people. You are not okay with it, which is your right and in my opinion, the correct response unless it was something you had agreed upon when you first entered into the relationship. You should therefore have veto power. He's attepting to take that away from you, and for you not to have a problem with it. How is that treating you like an equal when he doesn't respect your thoughts, feelings, and opinions? It looks like you're trying to continue making this work, because you don't want him to leave. Sadly, he's already gone. As a former doormat myself, it was very hard for me to learn to be "selfish" and take my own wants and needs into account. Right now all you see is the fact that you want HIM. But what do you want from him? If him having other partners, cutting you out from aspects of his life, and putting another woman before you isn't it, then you don't want this guy.

I understand you have a long history, and have a marriage and children together. You call it a family. In a family, everyone plays a part and has certain rights, privledges, and obligations. For a family to work well, they need to communicate, make sacrifices for one another, and above everything, work together thru obstacles. You are the one making all the sacrifices, and he is the one creating all the obstacles. For your own mental sanity, get out. And get out before he starts having the effect he's already had on you (devaluing your own thoughts, opinions, and self-worth) on your children. I am in awe of what you've managed to work thru with him already and your ability to process your emotions and express them clearly. This isn't like two people who are having trouble communicating. This is you communicating to him and him not listening and not caring. And the fact that he continues to make you feel bad about yourself when you get rightly upset over the things he does and how he treats you lets me know he's very aware that he doesn't deserve you. And he will continue to beat you down mentally and emotionally if you continue to cave to him.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I feel so odd posting this here, writing to faceless strangers whom I strongly feel aren't going to understand my point of view or feelings about all this. My husband thinks I’m being unreasonable and that I should post here to get other peoples feed back, because we’re getting no where on our own with this.

4 months ago my husband, of 6 years, stated he wanted a D/S relationship, with BDSM "play". I'm not exactly 'nilla... been around the block one and a half times, perhaps two or even a bit more.

A bit of history on me - I grew up physically and sexually abused... thought it was done with, dealt with, I survived it and was moving on with my life.

I was in a BDSM relationship for four and a half years before I had to leave for my own emotional sanity... that is not saying any thing negative about the life / life style or the people who enjoy it, not at all...

My boyfriend at the time was into extreme BDSM, with me supposedly Domme, he sub. I was informed of this about 2 months into that relationship, and thought why not, something new, maybe fun, may help me work on issues. He described himself as a pain pig... wanted to be beaten (floggers, paddles, crops, cane - didn't matter, the bigger the thud the better) to the point just before his skin would be raw or broken. Okay... I'm not a sadist, but if this is what gets you hot then I do it out of love. This turned into wanting D/S 24/7, which I couldn't do, I can't keep the mind set 24/7 - am basically an Earthmother type at heart - so scenes then had to become more frequent to compensate and more intense, humiliation play, gender play, water sports as part of humiliation play...and if the scene wasn't intense enough I could forget about sexual gratification for me... this worked for a bit and then all sexual gratification stopped for both he and I unless it was in a rape role play situation.

Okay admittedly I had more emotional issues to deal with than I suspected - hind site is 20/20 and in retelling this, a part of me is horrified and angry with myself that I let myself be treated like this... but I know it was of my own doing because of the emotional belief at the time that I wasn't going to find anyone else that would love me, because of all my issues.

Finally he demanded 24/7, and ended up cheating on our relationship, finding a Mistress on line. I walked in on the two of them - told him he and I needed to talk in a not so nice manner, was furious and enraged and had to go for a drive while she left.... 3 hours later I returned, they were locked in the bedroom still at "play" and didn't come out for another hour... At which time she and he tried to convince me this was a good thing and that this situation could help he and I, by the three of us working together to train me into being the type of Domme he wanted. I should have gotten a tattoo that read doormat on my forehead, cause emotionally fucked up me bought into this game for another month before ending the relationship... She stated she would work with me but that he needed to be trained first... he disappeared with her for 2 weeks, drained our bank account, and tried to show up on my door step at 4 am Christmas morning with out so much as a sorry or Christmas card - sorry that on still hurts. 4 1/2 years of trying to please the fucker, he drains our account to give her a good Christmas, and I get his dirty fucking laundry.... he spent the next two weeks trying to explain to me how this was all part of the plan, he loved me, he wanted me...yadda yadda yadda... I left.

5 years later I meet my husband... we fall in love, get married... and life starts kicking us in the teeth and I mean hard... it seemed like every time we recovered from one event another one was right on its heels to try and knock us down again. A year into our relationship, during some very hard times he met someone on line and was attempting to make arrangements to met her behind my back. He was acting weird, asking questions like what would you do if I ever cheated on you? I, not having just fallen of the turnip truck, got suspicious and snooped on our computer. I found the "love letters" in which they made fun of me, found IM’s to his best friend talking about his plans to meet her and hook up at what was supposed to be a trip to attend a friends wedding. I lost it - confronted him with the information I found and for four days he tried to convince me that he needed this to me happy, for four days of emotional hell I sat crying in our room as he would chat with her in IM’s. I feel he only called it off because he found out something about her past that scared him… reminded him of his last ex. He called it off before any actions were taken, so I forgave him and we had talks about his "needs" for more sex partners outside of our relationship. I thought we had come to the agreement that any journeys outside of our relationship would be taken together, 3somes basically. And all seemed well.

We finally have some peace, start our family, and are looking forward to building a new future and this comes out. He now states wants a D/S relationship with BDSM "play"… okay admittedly my initial reaction was not good. But after evaluating it, the head space I’m in now, how much I love him and am happy I feel with him, and honestly want his happiness too… So I say okay lets try this, I’ll try Domme’ing again for you. Again for love I’m willing to try this again. We have a couple of scenes, somethings work, others don’t, it a learning curb… I’m told it’s not working for him, he can’t / will never see me as his Domme. He explains that all of our relationship we’ve been equals, sexually we’ve been equal, he can’t get into subspace with me because he sees me as his equal. He wants a Mistress outside of our relationship. Again my initial reaction was not warm and fuzzy… more like white hot rage. After much journalizing, trying to work through the rage, which is actually masked hurt and emotional pain - I realize this… I ask what exactly is it that he wants.

He wants a Mistress outside of our relationship. He has found one and has been talking with her for about two weeks. He wants two weekends a month he can go get his needs fulfilled. He ideally wants me to have no involvement in this with him, that his time with Mistress and theirs alone. He’d like for Mistress and I to be friends, knowing that it would be important for me to trust her and not feel threatened by her. Maybe have her over for Sunday dinners. He wants to be "collared" to her in a fashion, perhaps a tattoo or piece of jewelry that he could wear showing he’s hers. He wants to be able to "date" her on special occasions - going out to dinner or a movie, what have you for her birthday and such. He swears that he in loves me and while he may care deeply for his Mistress, his love is mine. He swears he wants us together, to continue building the future we’ve been working for with our family

Here’s why I’m writing - emotionally right now I’m a wreck. I am trying to negotiate with him and keep being told I’m being insecure, controlling, and am not getting his needs. I’ve proposed okay to Mistress but I’m apart of this. Your my husband, we’re on life’s journey together, this journey should be taken together as well. I play some part in this, whether its Co-Domme/ Domme in training under tutelage of Mistress / co-sub, what have you. If you want alone time with Mistress no sex - of any sort, that is ours and I place emotional value or link emotions to sex. (BTW he differentiates lovemaking and sex and doesn’t seem to see my point of view - he would concede oral and intercourse when he wants he’s alone time with Mistress, but looks at me like I have three heads when it comes to sexual touching / mutual masturbation, toy play and such.)

He begrudgingly concedes "sharing" Mistress, but only in a sexual context, meaning I would watch as they had there scene and service his sexual needs afterwards. Which then wouldn't be fair to Mistress so he would then have to take care of her sexual needs. And if I’m completely honest with myself, I don’t know that I want to just watch and then service him… first off it feels patronizing, like he’s saying well if you wont let me have this any other way then you can fuck me but nothing else. Secondly they’ll be throwing dirt on cold lifeless body before I watch as he services her sexual needs.

His ideal and what he keeps pushing for listed things above there… My evolved reply is okay, but if I’m not involved I’m not involved at all - there will be no friendship, I would resent her for having this part of your life that I feel is rightfully mine. There will be no tattoo collaring, and if I had my way no collaring at all, because my understanding and what I was taught to believe is collaring is the same as marriage and you’re married to me and me alone. If you must wear some sort of jewelry for her, it won’t come home, I won’t see it because it would build resentment in me again. I would rather there be no sexual contact, but am conceding against my will to no oral or intercourse. And don’t expect me to be happy with any of this because I feel I’m agreeing to this against my will.

Emotionally - my emotional response, is hurt, anger, feeling like he’s cheating again but this time instead of sneaking around he’s hitting me over the head with it and saying look I’m a good boy, aren’t you proud of me, "I didn’t sneak around on you when I could have"(something he’s actually said). I feel like I’m being told I’m not good enough to be a part of this part of his life, its shacking my sense of security in us, because I am feeling so hurt and angry. He states he needs this to be happy, he states if I want the kind of relationship with him that I desire, this would make him happy and he’d be more ready to meet my desires as well. I feel like I’m being emotional blackmailed, that I’m being told well we’re gonna cut off two of your limbs but the good news is you get to decide which two. If he decides to go forward without me on this journey I don’t see how my resentment and hurt are going to lessen and I certainly don’t see how she and I could ever be "friends". I’d have contact with her for his safety only and it would be all I could do to keep it civil I imagine. I don’t believe he is being completely honest with her about my feelings on this because he has stated she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings and she doesn’t want to steal him away from me. Though he states he’s ideal would be to have a life long D/S relationship with her. Again having been down this road and having been apart of the scene, knowing what emotions can occur between people in a long term D/S relationship, I don’t see how he can state he would never care for her as more than a friend or have a love for her that is more than that of a friend. I feel like I’m being lied to, I feel like I’m being treated as if I were stupid, and I feel like it is completely unfair to me. I have so much built up inside of me right now I feel like I’m going to implode. I don’t want our relationship to end, I do love him, our children, and our family and I feel like he’s using that against me to gain what he wants.

Any advise that might help us find some sort of middle ground would be greatly appreciated.

you've stated over and over that you are not happy about the situation, why are you agreeing to it?? you say you feel like you are being emotionally blackmailed, well, i have to agree that you ARE being exactly that. you are being forced to accept something that you do not want in your life, and that is not fair to you. you keep talking about what will make HIM happy, yada yada yada, apparently he doesn't care about what makes you happy, and i know for me, that's not the kind of relationship i'd want to be in, kids or no kids. which by the way, this is not healthy for the kids either. kids are not stupid and they know more than you think, i can pretty much gurantee they can see you are not happy, staying because you have kids is a BAD reason, i know because i've done it, and we're still paying the therapy bills because of it.

if you don't want this to happen then don't agree to it! yea it might sound easier said than done, but it's truly not. i'm sorry but i'm seeing a pattern the same pattern your ex had, and i'm sure you see it too. i am not Domme, i'm a submissive and Master and i have talked about involving another in our relationship BUT, even as a submissive He has given me the choice of who it is, i will meet her , become friends with her, then introduce her to Master. and again even as submissive He has let me put 'conditions' on the relationship, like, any alone time with them will not have any sexual activity involved, all sexual activity will be done with me included. my point is, this is not healthy and you are not happy, so give him an ultimatum, either it's me and you alone, or it's you and her, you can't have both as obviously that scenario does not make you happy. if you agree to it, then you have no one to blame but yourself when things get really bad.....just my opinion of course

 

[lil_slave_rose]

It sounds to me as if you need to learn a little something called "self respect".

i agree with you, completely. if you aren't even respecting yourself enough to stand up and say 'enough is enough, and i'm not going to do this' then he is not going to respect you either and neither will his Mistress.

 

[minx1]

Though I have to say that sometimes its not that easy to muster if you have had your self worth and confidence eroded over the years. To be fair she hasn't just accepted it....that would be a lack of self respect imo, she has questioned it in her own mind and on here and should be applauded for that, but again thats just my opinion

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Though I have to say that sometimes its not that easy to muster if you have had your self worth and confidence eroded over the years. To be fair she hasn't just accepted it....that would be a lack of self respect imo, she has questioned it in her own mind and on here and should be applauded for that, but again thats just my opinion

i do know how hard it is. i lived with an abusive husband for 10 years. i was told i was ugly, fat, lazy, no one else would ever want me, etc..but there comes a time when you have to stand up for yourself and say NO I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS...and she IS accepting it...she said so that she went along with it but is not happy with it and feels like she's being emotionally blackmailed. she didn't tell him, NO this is the way it's going to be, and that's where i see the lack of self respect coming in. instead she said, ok, i'm agreeing to it begrudgingly and i'm not happy about it, that to me, is not self respect or standing up for yourself. that's saying, well ok go ahead and walk all over me, but i'm not going to be happy about it! i'm not trying to be harsh but that's just the way i see it, she needs to stand up for herself.

 

[HottieMama]

I think there is two sides to every story.

I urge everyone to remember you are only getting one.

 

[minx1]

i do know how hard it is. i lived with an abusive husband for 10 years. i was told i was ugly, fat, lazy, no one else would ever want me, etc..but there comes a time when you have to stand up for yourself and say NO I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS...and she IS accepting it...she said so that she went along with it but is not happy with it and feels like she's being emotionally blackmailed. she didn't tell him, NO this is the way it's going to be, and that's where i see the lack of self respect coming in. instead she said, ok, i'm agreeing to it begrudgingly and i'm not happy about it, that to me, is not self respect or standing up for yourself.

Yes I understand what you are saying Rose and I do agree in part. I also have been in similar relationships and had all my confidence knocked out of me and you are dead right that there does come a time when you have to say enough is enough. But when that time arrives, when that final thing happens that pushes you to make a stand, finally does come, can depend on many things. For me having the support of my friends was key.....it gave me back some confidence to make the break....up until that point I may not have done it.
Sorry I'm not explaining myself well (its late here!) but I guess what I am trying to say is yes maybe she hasn't done it yet, but maybe the fact that she is doing something proactive on here means she is on the way to reaching her time.
(*smile* if that makes any sense at all! lol)

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Yes I understand what you are saying Rose and I do agree in part. I also have been in similar relationships and had all my confidence knocked out of me and you are dead right that there does come a time when you have to say enough is enough. But when that time arrives, when that final thing happens that pushes you to make a stand, finally does come, can depend on many things. For me having the support of my friends was key.....it gave me back some confidence to make the break....up until that point I may not have done it.
Sorry I'm not explaining myself well (its late here!) but I guess what I am trying to say is yes maybe she hasn't done it yet, but maybe the fact that she is doing something proactive on here means she is on the way to reaching her time.
(*smile* if that makes any sense at all! lol)

she only did something (posting here) because he wanted her to so that we would try and talk her into seeing things his way. my friends when i was going through what i went through, got sick of me complaining about what was wrong with my relationship, yet making excuses and refusing to do what needed to be done i.e. leave......like i said i'm not trying to be harsh, but if you're going to allow it to continue to happen, then you have no one to blame but yourself....

 

[skittles_lm]

I am mad on your behalf. he wants to cheat on you...with your consent...after all the things you went through last time?

What about your needs?

What are your needs? do you know?

This is worth a fight if you think it is. Fight for what you need.

 

[Wyldfire]

Okay, this isn't for you but for your self indulgent baby of a husband. The prick needs to get off his god damned horse and keep with his marriage vows. If those vows had included S&M or Poly amoury it would be one thing, but the two bit wanna be cheater needs to get it through his fucking skull that if you're in tears at his ideas of his "needs" (Read his being a fucking dawg that wants his god damned cake and eat it too) then it's not going to work. He has three choices. One is to just try his best to make the good thing he has work and remember that he's not the only one in the relationship. Two is to keep to his guns and make you miserable until you break the marriage so he doesn't seem like a fucktard (Hint here hun, if he goes this route then if there are kids remember that you have "needs" and the kids have "needs". These equate as child support and alimony. Don't lose your spine and let him get away without paying these. See you have "needs" he won't like either.). The third option is that he'll make nice and go behind your back to get his WANTS met. I haven't seen a need listed, just wants. If he does this and you catch him keep evidence of his indescretions and use them to burn his cheating ass to the ground in divorce court. I just know judges LOVE cheating husbands.

Okay, I'm all done on my rant.

Seriously hun, make it clear to him that things aren't going to change in the direction he wants and if he keeps pushing you then just say NO and end the arguements. He wants to fuck around being the "player". He's not giving a shit about your feelings. If I were you I'd kick his ass to the curb. But that's just me.

 

[HottieMama]

Oh Fuck this bullshit!

She posted here because she wanted to. How do I know this? Because she's talking about me. Change "husband" to "female domestic partner," and Mistress to Master...and there you have it. You ARE NOT getting the whole story, and i'm not going to sit here and waste my time telling it. You all think I'm an asshole, GREAT. Think she should leave me? Wonderful... I know everything I have done to make this relationship work. I know what a great parent I am...no matter what I choose to do in my private life. So think whatever you want...I officially don't give a shit.