Experience, suicide, and truly living life

[KillerMuffin]

Attitude, a thing within you, is what makes life worth it, not anything from outside

Well, freakinhurley makes number 3 in the past month of people on this board who have either attempted or just plain want to commit suicide. Everyone has problems, angst, pain, sorrow, anger, depression, and hurt. Everyone copes with these things differently.

If anyone cares to share, please do, what do you do to relieve your hurt and stress and anger? Have you or anyone else you know ever committed or attempted to commit suicide? Any thoughts on this issue at all?

When I was in my teens I never expected to live past high school graduation. I attempted, and failed miserably (thank Gawd), suicide about 13 times. I was so immersed in my pain and my rage that I thought nothing would ever get better. I hurt. Then I left home and discovered that the world was different than it was at home. I discovered a concept that completely changed my way of thinking. I discovered that I really was a worth while human being. People liked me for who I was, not what I could give them. I found out that my early life had been rather like an emotional boot camp at Parris Island, and I now have this tremendously great inner emotional strength.

My life didn't change, it was still hard, and seems to be getting harder as it goes on, but my attitude changed every bit of my living. I come from a broken dysfunctional family (who doesn't nowdays?) and I was sexually abused ever since I can remember. My father thought I should be anorexic because he is a great fan of Kate Moss, and now Calista Flockheart. My mother actively hated me, her abuse was the worst, she neglected me, I could go for months and not speak to another soul, and I was barely a preteen. It hurt, but it did get better. I'm still dealing with these issues, but they are going away. I have forgiven my father, a blanket forgiveness that took an unbelievable amount of weight and pain from me. I still have to forgive my mother, but that will be harder.

Now I have uncontrolled epilepsy, a StudMuffin with post traumatic stress disorder so severe the stingy tightwads at Veterans Administration wants to 100% disable him for it and goals for the future that totally conflict with mine, financial ruin, and a dog that refuses to be housebroke, it is stuck in the kitchen forever. It would be nice to quit, to not have to deal with all of the stress and frustration, just sleep eternally, but life can't make me quit. I'm strong enough to deal with it, I'm discovering. I can have seizures, discuss bankruptcy with lawyers, not kill the dog, and still enjoy being alive.

This is my pain and stress and anger, I sublimate these things by writing, which helps so much.

 

[Flagg]

I try to revolve my life around the fact that no matter how bad things get at least there will be people here that are a lot worse. I take great comfort in that.

 

[Guest]

Re: Attitude, a thing within you, is what makes life worth it, not anything from outside

If anyone cares to share, please do, what do you do to relieve your hurt and stress and anger? Have you or anyone else you know ever committed or attempted to commit suicide?

I have suffered from cronic depression for many years now. (Though I think I have some valid reasons due to events in my past like finding out at a very young age that I was adopted and that my birth mother attempted to abort me, being raped at 13, becoming pregnant, and then miscarrying...etc. Yes, I could go on, but I really don't want to.) I've never really considered myself to be suicidal, though "society" and my parents thought I was. I used to deal with my anger, frustrations, etc. by self mutilation. I used to take a razor blade (or anything sharp I could find) to the underside of my arm and cut myself to relieve tension. I never cut myself too deeply and never tried to kill myself.

Anyway, after various anti-depressant drugs, therapy, etc. I've learned better ways to cope with stress, tension, etc. One is medetation. I love it! Another is turning down all the lights, lighting candles, and listening to soothing music loudly. And, my favorite one is writing. The majority of the poems I wrote were throughout high school. I used to keep a journal, and would also write poetry and stories.

~Tiggs~
http://smilecwm.tripod.com/sd3/lise.gif

P.S.
If anyone has any questions and would like to talk one on one on this, mail me.

 

[Guest]

One more P.S.

I realize I didn't answer the last question that I added in your quote. Yes, I know someone who committed suicide. I believe I was somewhere around 18-19 (out of school now), and had gone through a lot of teatment. There was a man at my church who killed himself by sitting in a car while running with the garage door down. He was the step-father of a good friend of mine that I had known since elem. school. His death was a big shock to everyone...

(During a college Lit class I wrote about some of those events in a paper.)

 

[teresafannin]

Hi KM, To be honest with you, the main reason that I am still alive is the fact that my family buried 3 of our boys in the last year. My 19 year old nephew in June, 1999, my 17 year old son in September 1999 & my step-brother's 20 year old son in September 2000. As bad as things get & right now they are really bad again, I can't put my family through another funeral. As many people as I know love me, none of them are my son. He is all I ever wanted in this life & now that he is gone, so is my whole reason for being here. I have become an actress of award-winning caliber. I put on the face that others want to see & have done a pretty good job of fooling everyone around me. This board is one of the few places that I have been able to be a little bit honest, probably because I know the chances of actually meeting anyone from this board are non-existant. I don't have any good advice for you, but I can send good thoughts your way & hope that things improve. I am in therapy, but I have a long way to go before I get better, if I ever get better. Keep writing, I know many people who have dealt with trauma by writing. Take care of yourself.

My youngest sister's best friend committed suicide in high school. She was only 17,same age as my son & his death brought it all back, even though he was murdered. Knowing what her family went through has stopped me from doing the same thing.


[Edited by teresafannin on 10-20-2000 at 09:29 AM]

 

[Stormystarr]

If you only knew!

How many times I tried to kill myself. Hell, even I lost count after about 17 (honestly). I have been diagnosed with, and bear with me because of the list...

bi-polar manic depression
I am severly suicidal
borderline personality disorder
anorexia
bullimia (I now eat, but get rid of the food imediately)
By order of the courts I am not allowed to possess any kind of firearm at all

And as a result of me being put into the many hospitals, I have been in the one so much that I am now friends with the staff. Some of them even call me just to tell me about thier shopping trips, or thier childrens accomplishments!
Belive me, I could go on forever with all kinds of sad stories, but I don't want to bore you all to death, which I have probably done already.

To make myself feel better, I write everything down on paper, everything, even the things about me wanting to kill people and actually planning it out (I've come up with some damn good plans too, but never acted them out!). But after I do this, then read it several hours later after I moan, bitch and whine. I feel better, not completely, but a little. Just enough for me to think that there are people out there who have it way worse than me, and some of them seem genuinely happy. Then I take my Seroquel, go to bed, and wake up feeling better. But thats just me, it may not work for anyone else, but try to find something to make you feel better, no matter how small.

 

[CW]

Whew!!!

I, for one, am glad that each and every one of you that has posted are still here,,, certianly this board, and to some extent my life, would be much the worse if you weren't.

I wish that I had some advice or words of wisdom to pass along that could reach deep enough inside you to help, unfortunatly I don't.

All that I can say is that you are much appreciated and would be sorely missed if you weren't here.

and as a side bar,, a very wonderful woman that I was dating killed herself one winters day,,, this was nearly 18 years ago,,, and while her pain is eased, mine still resurfaces to this day.

 

[CelestialBody]

 

[lukyduk97]

I have been on an anti depressant (Paxil, 10mg) on and off since last October (on again). I have been in therapy since last October and am making definite progress. I am managing the anger but I live with stress everyday and have managed to bury the hurt. My ex husband basically stole my 13 year old daughter last August. By the time I got her back in October he had convinced her that she wanted to live with him and she now does. He lives in Florida I live in Missouri so I get to see her eight weeks in the summer and at Christmas for two weeks. He should have just ripped out my heart and stomped on it I think it would have hurt less.

So what do I do - I go to therapy and I spend entirely too much time on this damn computer. I come here and laugh myself silly at some of ya'll's postings. Someone here always manages to make me smile. I don't post much (I'm a newbie, still chicken).

I've done the bankruptcy thing and the dog is still barking and as long as I'm alive I'm an irritant to my ex so that's reason enough for me to keep on going.

Take care

 

[Expertise]

My failing

This is a little bit off your topic KM.

Every persons views on this subject differ a little. Here are mine. If you take offence, so be it.

Life is precious. Life is precious to the point that it should be fought for, tooth and nail, until your last breath.

Whereas comrades of mine having seen and experienced the same things as I, have ended their lives, it has made me want to live. Many have suffered post traumatic stress disorder, severe depression etc. that made their lives miserable to the point where suicide seemed a viable option. I have never seen it that way. This does not make me superior, or less sensitive or tougher just different.

I have seen humanity at its nadir. Lives cheapened to the point where they were not equivalent in worth to a can of coffee or a pack of cigarettes. Instead of it coercing me into a similar view I feel like I have rebelled against it, polarized myself from it. It has caused me to view my life and the lives of others as something of value, something to cherish, something to fight for.

I do not submit to the opinion of some, that suicide is the cowards way out. That is merely one of the many trite little phrases that so many cling to out of pain and frustration and anger at the passing of a loved one or friend. I simply see it as a waste. I have see to many lives wasted in my short time on this rock to wish to see any more.

 

[Myrrdin]

During the past couple of years, three people I know, in the same profession as me, people who would stop and pass the time of day with me on the street, have committed suicide.
I think as a result, people are a little more tolerant, less prone to be judgemental, more supportive. We'd all hate to have been the last ill judged remmark, that pushed someone over the edge.

 

[Sparky Kronkite]

I'm with EXP for the most part....

Particularly regarding "waste."

Everyone, no matter how traumatized, by whatever personal experience - who holds even a slight glimmer of hope, hope for any contribution or meaning to their life and therefor others lives too - should only consider, or attempt to consider the positive aspects of their existence - of their life.

And always remain alive.

However - I have a plan - I always have a plan you know - and it's actually a proclamation - I've announced this to my family. They are prepared. I wouldn't want to shock them with anything like this.

I, for humor's sake - call it the Drool Rule.

It is - If and when - I can't "take care of myself" - physically. When I can't feed myself, drink a glass of water, go to the bath room or dress myself. When I might need so much care to do those things, that it might be not only costing my family a small fortune but hurting them, watching me deteriorate toward, "shriveled vegetable'ism" - I will do away with myself in a way that won't be apparent that I did so. Sure, this takes a lot for granted - that I won't previously die in an accident, a war, or from disease. That I won't be maimed but alive. And that I will have the mental capacity to make such a decision. But the genetics in my family tree indicate that unless any of those happen, I will live long and simply wither. Hopefully a heart attack will get me as it has many of my elderly relatives - swift. Then there will be no need for me to even think about this option.

But the Drool Rule is simple - and I will implement its action - if I become a burden to my family.

 

[CreamyLady]

I battle a cyclical depression. It comes and goes, but I will not take drugs for it. It may seem irrational, but it is part of who I am -- and out of the absolute blackest pits come some of my most beautiful dreams and visions.

Have I wanted to die? Not as such. Did I want the pain to stop? Oh, yes -- but not to terminate myself in the process. Somewhere, in the very bottom of me, is a desire to see what happens next, and self-termination would be pretty much the end of that.

The worst part of depression isn't the black pit of pain. It is the anesthetic grey mist that surrounds me in the beginning, preventing me from seeing the wonderful friends and family that are there. When I am in pain, I can reach into myself, seeing them, and climb back out to the sun.

I've known people who have not been able to climb out. I have had friends who have looked for anesthesia all their lives; drugs, alcohol, you name it. I could easily be one of them, except that I believe that feeling is so much better than not feeling, even the pain.

 

[Xander]

I used to just take some drugs, and thus numbing my emotions. I don't anymore, because it practically killed every inch of humanity I have.
I've thought about ending my own miserable existant more times than I care to remember. And was about to self inflict an O.D. on myself.
I'm glad I didn't

I'm with Expertise that life is precious, today.
So what do I do now. I set a goal, no matter what it may be. I'll fight for until I get it. Even if it kills me. I don't care. I want it, regardless of price.
If anybody stands in my way, for having that goal. I'll do anything to wipe their sorr asses out. Friend or no friend. I don't care.
That's my way of dealing with the hurt, the pain, confusion and sorrow.
Moving on, with a vengance.

 

[Sparky Kronkite]

I believe that.....

Any feeling, any feeling at all - hate, pain, anxiety - is better than no feeling at all.

And I feel that any feeling, even the most negative of feelings - are educational toward properly feeling "good things."

I mean for example - once you've really experienced pain - very, very severe physical pain, as I have - well then (if you survive it) other physical pains become mundane - hell, even enjoyable.

The same can be said regarding hate and love or anxiety and contentment.

You know what they say. "You can't climb up until you're all the way down."

Well then I would say that I'd be looking pleasurably forward to hitting bottom - because then I'd know that it couldn't get any worse - and that I could only go up from there.

To me it's that easy. I dig pain. Bring it on. It only makes me stronger.

 

[Expertise]

Although I abhor suicide Sparky. I agree with your "Drool Rule". When it gets to that point where it is a "physical" not mental or emotional ailment, where you are basicly imprisoned within your body or the husk that your body has become. Then suicide seems reasonable and viable even attractive

 

[Sparky Kronkite]

AND.... I forgot.....

There's one really positive thing about dying - something I look forward to - a fact.......

to me anyway.........

You can be tortured by pain for years and years and years - physical pain, mental pain, back pain, head pain, ass pain - and when ya die.........

Ya don't remember a dame thing. No pain.

That's why I really don't care "how" I die - flames up my butt, gun shot to the groin, Buck to the kidney or falling from a star....... it doesn't matter.

Ya don't remember it. It's gone.

So, why hasten the process? Enjoy the pain. It can only get better.

 

[kathy stl]

Well this is sure an uplifting thread on a sunny day. Maybe it is uplifting, we are all still here?

Yeah, I've survived multiple suicides, but am afraid of guns and high places, know if I crashed my car I'd end up crippled, so I eat my pills once in a while. Obviously, I am taking the wrong pills causs here I am.

Why all this unhappiness? same reasons you guys have so I won't repeat them.

How I cope? Well, if I do, it's a lot like Tiggs. Loud music, writing, candle light and throw in a best gf who I owe my soul to. She gets to go to heaven twice and that's ok with me. I find writing helps the most, so maybe why I do this, but I write other stuff too. Funney part is, I have what they call TBI, traumatic brain injury, juss means some guy picked up a baseball bat and used my head as the ball. Well, with whatever else this caused, the worst is I can't read. Sounds weird huh? I can write but can't read (well after lots a practice I can read very very slowly) and as weird as that sounds, it isn't all that uncommon they say. I can read what I'm writing, but once I look away and look back, I don't get it. Grrrrr!

Anyway, it's the little things that count. Don't count on anything. Find someone who counts when it feels like you don't. My motto. (Along with the ghost of lectricity thing from Dylan)

[Edited by kathy stl on 10-20-2000 at 12:08 PM]

 

[coaster]

This thread makes my heart tender...years ago I befriended a young lady and we relished our friendship. She loved me but kept silent her longing. Ealy one morning she attempted suicide, helplessly, I just wept. I looked inward, examined our conversations and looked for signs, and my anguish grew. I almost lost a friend and I hadn't noticed she was on the edge. If she had asked me I would have come at a moment's notice. I encourage anyone contemplating suicide to share their feelings with someone.

 

[kathy stl]

hearts

Yes, Coaster, that must have been very difficult, and I am glad you did not lose your friend. The casting of blame and self guilt by those around me is the most powerful thing that keeps me going sometime. I just don't want to do that to my few good friends. They would in no way deserve it, but I know they would feel it. Of course, I have done it to them, but I don't want to do it again.

The looking for signals thing? We can be awfully deceitful. At least for me, being "clinically" depressed, what is the word clinical suppose to mean? I have a person inside, or floating above, who is the real me. You'll never see her. I watch as the person you see goes through life. Sure, stay close and look for signs. But none of it is your fault.

One insight ya prob know. Whenever I've done it, I actually get very peaceful and almost euphoric once I decide. It is all that weight off, knowing it's gonna end. So it ain't simple trying to hold another heart in you hands.

 

[coaster]

kathy, maybe we need we to be more open, remove the barriers. Those people we call friends will be tested with a no-holds-barred clarity. Most of humanity is cut from the same mold...same needs...hopes...desires. When we deviate from the norm, without harming others, our true friends will not reject us. To be a friend requires vulnerability. When a trust is violated it creates apprehension and skepticism. We hold back, making our friends stand at the door...they knock but are rarely invited in to sit. I would rather be disliked for the truth than loved for a lie. Reveal that person inside, let your friends in...

 

[GuyJD]

THE BEST THING THAT I'D EVER FAILED AT

Yeah KM, I tried unsucessfully to end it all for myself. It was a date that I have marked on my calendar. July 21st of this year. Nothing was going right. I was on the verge of homelessness, I had just lost the girl whom I was dating at the time, and I was using a rental car that ate up my bank account til I was broke.
So after shedding a few tears on the way to work, I decided to end it all. I have been using a fat loss supplement for over a decade, eventhough it is banned in most states by the FDA. It totally revs you up and the ban came when several people have died from using it. There are, however, 3 different types (all of which I had): the pure form, the diluted form, and the Chinese form. The majority of the deaths were caused by the individuals taken as much as 8 tablets when 3 is the most that can be taken in a day. I got to work and wrote a note to my family saying that I could no longer take the pain of living in such misery. I took 6 tablets (2 of each form) hoping that, like all of its victims, I would suffer a heart attack while working. Instead, I was so hyped up that I got more work done than normal. It pissed me off but that was, as I saw it, God's way of saying, NOT YET.