Exhibitionism

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Must be too early in the A.M. for me, I posted this on the poetry board first LOL. Anyway, this is the very first erotic story I ever wrote and I'd really like to hear from anyone who has read my stories how/if my writing has improved. I think I have gotten somewhat better since this first one, which was a dare. After finishing it I was hooked on writing these types of stories. So, enough rambling here it is.
Wicked

The Chosen One

 

[Jocund Day]

The Chosen One
by Wicked-N-Erotic ©

"Thank god it's Friday," (do not place in quotes that which is not spoken, quotes are employed in competent fiction for dialogue exclusively) she thinks as she sits down at the bar and orders a drink. She has had the worst week ever and is looking to unwind. After a bad week she sometimes likes (present tense for an immediate situation) to come to the local club, have a few drinks and see what situations (cut) develop for a (exhibitionist) (such as herself (awkward). She finds it very stress(-)relieving (awkward) to put all her energy into "pleasing the crowd" ( too precious, if your aim is to shock then use shocking language, not quotation marks). So far nothing looks promising, so she orders another drink, flirts a little with the bartender and makes another quick scan of the room. There, sitting in a shadowy corner (was she sitting in the corner or was it the partner?) she picks her unsuspecting partner for the evening(')s entertainment. Never taking her eyes off the dark(-)haired godsend (a bit ecclesiastical for your average wank story, wouldn't you say?) she picks up her drink and heads toward him. She never worries that the "chosen one" (quotes, see above) won't be game, they always are. After all they are "MEN" (see above, you are entirely too fond of this), and men always welcome an opportunity to show off their "ass-ets(,)" (cute) so to speak.

When she reaches (switch entire story to present tense) his table she extended her hand and introduced herself. He looked straight into her blue eyes, shook her hand and said, "I'm Tom, would you like to join me?" Pulling her chair up beside his, she sat down knowing she'd picked the right one. As they sat there making small talk and drinking their drinks(,) she slid her hand under the table and stroked his thigh. (H)e never flinched. Higher and higher her fingers climbed up his leg, stopping just before she reached his manhood (too flaccid, I hate this word, his cock, his dick, his naughty bit, take your pick, his manhood is in his skull, not in his skivvies). Their eyes were fixed on each other, seeing one another's desire(). A slow song began to play(.) Tom took her hand and made their way to the dance floor. "No better place to entice her would be voyeurs,"(quotes), she thought. Tom held her close(), his arms tight around her waist, hers around his neck. She gyrated against his sex as they danced seductively, she felt his hardness lurch against her. His hands moved down to her firm, round buttocks, caressing(). She was looking around to see if they were being watched, (and) to her delight they were. His fingers were kneading her through the thin material of her skirt, pulling it up little by little as they worked. With her skirt just below her cheeks, his hands slid under it to cup them. He looked at her with wide eyes when he touched her bare skin, a smile crept (onto) his face. She kissed him, grinding on his throbbing shaft. His hands slid the back of her skirt up higher exposing her creamy flesh to all. He (dragged) his fingernails across the sensitive skin, making her moan softly in his ear. (Pronoun overload, pare down the his/her thing a bit.)

All to(o) soon the song was over(.) (H)e pulled her skirt down(,) smoothing it out (as) an excuse to keep touching her. There was an outdoor patio just off the dance floor. She headed toward it, summoning him with her lust(-)filled eyes. Walking through the door he saw her sitting at the far end (of what?) on top of a picnic table, she was leaning back on one hand, her long blonde hair falling over her shoulders, (just) hiding the mounds of flesh exposed by her now open blouse. Her shapely legs were slightly open, her skirt barely covering her. He started toward her, noticing (three) men on the other side (, sitting,) watching. When he stopped in front of her she opened her legs a little more and motioned with her finger for him to kneel down. He did as she wished. He was excited by the thought of being with this woman, by the thought of being watched by the envious men 10 feet away. With him kneeling she spread her legs (even) more, letting him know her intentions without () a word. He licked his lips (involuntarily), he could hardly wait to taste her sweetness. He ran his hands up the outside of her silky thighs, leaning in to kiss her knee as he did. (W)asting no time, he planted soft, wet kisses back and forth from leg to leg until he reached paradise (see commentary above on "manhood", say it!, quim, cunt, pussy, love tunnel, genitalia, even, if you must).

Sitting there on the table with this heavenly creature between her legs, she was watching, of course, the three men. They had stopped talking, their undivided attention (had) turned to her and what was happening. She put her index finger in her mouth and sucked it seductively, then r(an) it down her neck to her breasts and around her nipples. She tilted her head back so that her hair uncovered her perky breasts. Pinching her already pert nipples, she could see the () men beginning to be aroused, (and) she loved it.
Tom's tongue began to swirl around her swollen button, he slid a finger into her (hole) making her arch and (buck) into his touch. He moved his free hand up to cup her breasts, she put her hand on top of his. Guiding his hand to her mouth she licked each of his fingertips, slowly, sexily. She was grinding on his finger, (his driving tongue) was making her hotter, wetter. She was ready (now), she wanted his pulsating cock in her, she backed away giving him the unspoken signal. He stood up, caressing her breasts, kissing her so that she could taste her own sweet juices still wet on his lips. She licked (those) lips(as she), reached down (and)unzipped his jeans (She) took his massive shaft into her hand and began to stroke him. (H)e groaned like an animal in heat. She stood and bent over the end of the table, her beautiful ass high in the air. From this angle she could still see her audience and they her. (S)he noticed them getting restless, rubbing their own hardening cocks through their jeans, exciting her even more.

She felt Tom pressing her from behind, his hardness lurching against her. Reaching behind her she guided him to the steamy opening of her slit (pronoun overload). Slowly he entered her, inch by inch, until she had all of him. They fit together like a hand and glove (cliché alert, find something else). Holding on to the sides of the table, she pushed back into his thrust. She was in no mood for a slow () (say it with me, F-U-C-K), she simply wanted (to cum now). (I think I love this saucy bitch!) Moaning softly she commanded him to pump faster, thrust harder. She was near climax, she could feel his engorged head inside of her getting even bigger, and she knew he was close as well. She glanced at her beloved (too much, you need to set this emotional connection up earlier) voyeurs(.) (T)hey were watching intently (one was actually masturbating ), this added to her own arousal. Seeing how horny they were took her to the edge, she told Tom she was going to cum. (He) was ready, her tightness and contracting muscles brought him to climax at the same time, (and) they moaned and convulsed together(,) riding out the waves of their (mutual)climax. He slid out of her, slowly, cum (running) down her creamy thighs as she pushed her skirt down. Checking to see how her admirers were doing(,) she caught the final twitches of the one who was masturbating to their "show" (stop that!), (and) was immensely pleased. (She) never noticed the other small group of (onlookers) that had gathered by the door, it was the applauding and whooping that brought them to their attention(.) (S)he just smiled().

1. Use quotes for dialogue only.
2. Focus on describing what's happening, not on who's doing what to whom (pronouns).
3. Cut unnecessary words. Don't hold the reins so tightly. Allow the reader to supply some of her own detail.
4. Choose your language set early and then use it consistently. The words "manhood" and "paradise" do not belong in the same story as the words "cum" and "slit."
5. Don't ignore full stops in the narrative. If you want the language to flow as the action flows you must use language, not punctuation.
6. Keep writing. If this is your first attempt then I'd say you've got potential.

JD
"A writer should know too much."
Ernest Hemingway

 

[NoJo]

Hey Jocund, your comment(s) )) are almost (nearly) impossible to read (present tense). Use bold and italics instead of () (parentesies) . (Otherwise--?) nobody knows wha(t) your're saying.
Also don't tell authors what "competent" fiction is. It's rude.

 

[damppanties]

Hi,
I've not read any of your stories so I wouldn't know if your writing has improved. I liked the ending of the story. Lovely twist.

The paragraphs were a little too long. Shorter paragraphs facilitate online reading.

I would have liked more dialogue and murmurs, etc. during the sex or when they were dancing. The story was too short and to the point. A little more detail and background would have been nice to get a feel for the protagonist.

Jocund was right about the quotes bit. However, I have one more thing to add. Thoughts are usually in single quotes. (')

The quotes when you want to emphasise something could be done away with; and you could use italics instead.

Nice story, could be better with a little effort. Keep writing.

-DP.

 

[Maskman]

Hmmm...

Good premise.

A little short on what the characters were feeling. It felt, I dunno... distant. I have a similar problem with my writing, and you might want to consider breaking down the long paragraphs, and beefing up the character's internal dialogue, focus more on their arrousal.

That's all I feel competant to address, and I look forward to your next story.

Keep on writin'!


Mm.

 

[Aurora_s_Flame]

Wicked-N-Erotic, a very powerful start to your writing...

I tend to agree with MaskMan on the whole feeling thing within this one story, but this is probably just personal preference on my part. I have the same problem with long paragraphs, punctuation etc. etc. But really, that is the learning process behind this writing thing.

I must comment that I personally don't think that some of the comment-ees read the question you asked.

...this is the very first erotic story I ever wrote and I'd really like to hear from anyone who has read my stories how/if my writing has improved.

You asked for a comparission between this, your first story, and the stories you have written since then. Instead (in one instance) you got an edit job, which was well done all the same (though hard to read), but was not answering your inquiry.

I have read your other stories, and yes there most definitely is a change for the better. The stories get easier to follow, more emotionally catching and definitely get the blood pumping! Personally I think that your tale Seduction of a Repairman was definitely the style to get one's juices flowing!

With pretty much every skill or talent, practice does make perfect. The more you write and the more you ask questions, the better your writing becomes! I look forward to reading more of your work. Good job!

~ Rora

P.S. Just a lil comment regarding something JD said.

4. Choose your language set early and then use it consistently. The words "manhood" and "paradise" do not belong in the same story as the words "cum" and "slit."

I have to disagree. I'm sorry, yes there is a definite difference from the seduction-style words compared to the mind-blowing-don't-know-you-are-swearing-from-the-top-of-your-lungs style, but sometimes they DO have a place in the same story. The love between two individuals can be completely romantic and heartfelt AND still be rough and rude when passion over-takes you. Yes, I agree that you can't just flip back n forth, but the progression of "manhood" to "cock" is possible within a story. It's all personal preference, and to me, it works. Okay, done with my over-commenting! hehehe

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

WOW, now this is the kind of feedback I have been wanting to hear. I guess maybe I should have posted my first ever story before my later ones to hear the fine points for which I neeeded improvement. Aurora, I thank you for answering the question that was asked. I'm glad you think I have improved since this piece.

, I agree that you can't just flip back n forth, but the progression of "manhood" to "cock" is possible within a story.

I agree with this as well, building up from the words manhood to cock is like foreplay the way I see it.

Maskman, damppanties, sub joe, thank you for your comments also.

Jocund, while I appreciate the time you took to thourghly examine my story I find you missed the question asked. All I can say is WOW, thanks for your thoughts.

Wicked

 

[Aurora_s_Flame]

..."I agree that you can't just flip back n forth, but the progression of "manhood" to "cock" is possible within a story. "

I agree with this as well, building up from the words manhood to cock is like foreplay the way I see it....

Yes! That is exactly the feel that I get from it. Just like in sex, that building of the tension is what brings a story to its climax. Foreplay is VERY important as we all know!

Good luck with your future endevours Wicked. I look forward to reading more!

~ Rora