Exes and kids

[sophia jane]

Without boring y'all with my personal crap, I have some questions for anyone with experience with divorce/separation and kids?
Ideally, in a decent relationship between the parents, how much communication about the kids is normal/good/best? If say, mom lives with kids, should she keep dad informed about trivial funny kid stuff or just stick to the emergencies? What are some good ways to keep both parents involved? Any tips, advice, suggestions, warnings about co-parenting would be greatly appreciated.

 

[cloudy]

Without boring y'all with my personal crap, I have some questions for anyone with experience with divorce/separation and kids?
Ideally, in a decent relationship between the parents, how much communication about the kids is normal/good/best? If say, mom lives with kids, should she keep dad informed about trivial funny kid stuff or just stick to the emergencies? What are some good ways to keep both parents involved? Any tips, advice, suggestions, warnings about co-parenting would be greatly appreciated.

My first husband and I have stayed very good friends since our divorce. I don't talk to him all that often, every couple of weeks or so, but we're able to talk as friends, not just as co-parents.

It took awhile, though, to get to that point. Until you do, keep things polite and friendly, but I would keep my distance, as well.

I don't really have any tips for you, other than being civil even when you don't feel like it.

 

[Weird Harold]

Ideally, in a decent relationship between the parents, how much communication about the kids is normal/good/best? If say, mom lives with kids, should she keep dad informed about trivial funny kid stuff or just stick to the emergencies? What are some good ways to keep both parents involved? Any tips, advice, suggestions, warnings about co-parenting would be greatly appreciated.

As a former non-custodial parent, custodial parent, and grandparent, I'd have to say that keeping the non-custodial parent informed at about the same level you keep grandparents informed works well.

Do NOT limit information to the "emergencies" and problems. Distance is a big factor in how closely youcan keep the non-custodial parent informed and how -- while I was the non-custodial parent, I was often half- the world away from the kids and letters were basicly the only contact I had for most of the year. My ex always made sure to include something from the kids in each letter; letters from them, snapshots, or copies of awards from school (student of the week, etc) and copies of their report cards.

After I retired and took custody of the kids, I made it a point to stay close enough that they could visit their mother whenever they wished -- I actually moved into the same apartment complex when I retired to keep them within walking distance of their Mom (and half-sister.)

Once the kids are in school, letting them tell the non-custodial parent what they want them to know is the best way to keep the lines of communication open -- but it's also important to "tattle" about some of the things kids never want their parents to know about -- dating problems, bad grades, etc.

Finally, it's important to NOT impose -- or even expose more than necessary -- any animosity between the parents on the children. Let them form their own opinions about the non-custodial parent as much as possible.

 

[sophia jane]

Thanks to both of you. That helps. I've tended toward sharing quite a bit with the ex, up to calling him to tell him funny stories of middle child's imaginary adventures. If I weren't with the kids, I'd still want to know what they were up to, which is why I've kept up the sharing.

And I definitely don't ever badmouth ex in front of the kids. My own parents were divorced and very dysfunctional, so I've tried to make things as easy as possible on them, up to actually making things worse for myself in the process.

 

[Guest]

Thanks to both of you. That helps. I've tended toward sharing quite a bit with the ex, up to calling him to tell him funny stories of middle child's imaginary adventures. If I weren't with the kids, I'd still want to know what they were up to, which is why I've kept up the sharing.

And I definitely don't ever badmouth ex in front of the kids. My own parents were divorced and very dysfunctional, so I've tried to make things as easy as possible on them, up to actually making things worse for myself in the process.

Sophia, I just have to applaud you. My own parents went through their divorce, and the following ten years, with much shrieking and gnashing of teeth. My father and I didn't speak beyond monosyllables until I'd been married for five years (they divorced when I was eight) and had two and a half kids. Parents that don't do that to their kids just have my heartfelt admiration, because I have this sinking feeling that if my man and I ever parted ways, I'd become the darker, more gothic version of my mom. Scary thought.

Keep up the good work. If you're oversharing with the ex, he'll eventually let you know.

 

[zeb1094]

My son has been the custodial and non-custodial parent in the divorce with his ex. Right now the children are wards of the state as the mother had custody and made acusation of sexual abuse by dad, then threatened to kill the children infront of the Family Services case work.

At the time my son was not in contact with anyone concerning the children so they were placed with the mothers parents. It's now two years later and the court and the state are still trying to decide who will get them. We, Dad, Grandma and me, see them every Saturday now so we know what is going one with them.

As for Mom keeping Dad informed, nope, really bad feeling between them. The in-laws hate him and would prefer that the court give them the children so there is very little communication there.

I can only imagine what the children are really feeling. The both love Mom and Dad but have expressed the desire to be with dad. Dad as done everything the state and courts have asked of him to try and prove he is the right person for them to be place with.

I know I'm rambling here! Sophia, I just want to say, I am glad that you are keeping the communication between you and your ex open on what the children are doing and how they are doing. I know how it feels to not know anything about the children and I wouldn't wish that suffering on anyone.

I am proud of you for taking the steps necessary to strike out on your own and that you have chosen to keep Dad in the picture.

 

[impressive]

If say, mom lives with kids, should she keep dad informed about trivial funny kid stuff or just stick to the emergencies?

Um, ask dad what (how much) he wants?

Or -- set up a shared LiveJournal that only the two of you can access. Post there to your heart's content. If he reads it, fine. If not, fine.

 

[sophia jane]

Um, ask dad what (how much) he wants?

Or -- set up a shared LiveJournal that only the two of you can access. Post there to your heart's content. If he reads it, fine. If not, fine.

Well,I did ask. And he said it was fine, what I was doing. I was kinda hoping I could get away with less cuz last night I called to give him a trivial update and he had a girl over and was kinda dismissive toward me and it hurt my feelings, so...I'm being pissy. That said, I don't want to make things bad for the kids or for his relationship with him. I just don't want to keep hurting myself in the process of making things go well for everyone else.

 

[tolyk]

The fact that you care enough to even ask this question makes me respect you all the more SJ..

My ex stopped giving me any info about my kids when she hooked up with her current boyfriend, about 8 months ago. I've not gotten any new pictures, I don't get to see them on webcam anymore.. I get nothing, except the weekly calls that I make... If your ex is trying to be a part of the kids lives, include him.. that's all I can say..

 

[zeb1094]

Well,I did ask. And he said it was fine, what I was doing. I was kinda hoping I could get away with less cuz last night I called to give him a trivial update and he had a girl over and was kinda dismissive toward me and it hurt my feelings, so...I'm being pissy. That said, I don't want to make things bad for the kids or for his relationship with him. I just don't want to keep hurting myself in the process of making things go well for everyone else.

Well don't forget he has to take some responsibily also. If he wants to know he can call you as I'm sure you would be happy tell him anything he wants to know. So I would leave it up to him how much he wants to know. And if he's busy when you call him, don't take it personal, you and he ain't married no more. The only connection you have now is the love you feel for your children.

Crap I hope this doesn't upset you!

 

[sophia jane]

Well don't forget he has to take some responsibily also. If he wants to know he can call you as I'm sure you would be happy tell him anything he wants to know. So I would leave it up to him how much he wants to know. And if he's busy when you call him, don't take it personal, you and he ain't married no more. The only connection you have now is the love you feel for your children.

Crap I hope this doesn't upset you!

Lol. No it doesn't. I think the dilemna I've run into is that we've stayed such good friends through all of this, but the friendship end is very strained at the moment. So, I'm trying to separate our relationship as co-parents and as friends. If that makes sense.

And tolyk- So sorry to hear about that.

 

[tolyk]

Lol. No it doesn't. I think the dilemna I've run into is that we've stayed such good friends through all of this, but the friendship end is very strained at the moment. So, I'm trying to separate our relationship as co-parents and as friends. If that makes sense.

And tolyk- So sorry to hear about that.

*shrug* Can't control the actions of others, and bitching and moaning gets you nowhere.. I don't think she realizes how deeply she's wounded me by it though.. especially since the only thing she told me about my kids last time we talked was that my daughter calls her boyfriend daddy. Gee, "insert knife here"..

 

[WickedEve]

Well,I did ask. And he said it was fine, what I was doing. I was kinda hoping I could get away with less cuz last night I called to give him a trivial update and he had a girl over and was kinda dismissive toward me and it hurt my feelings, so...I'm being pissy. That said, I don't want to make things bad for the kids or for his relationship with him. I just don't want to keep hurting myself in the process of making things go well for everyone else.

Sounds like he is moving on more than you are. How long have you been divorced? When my ex calls, I'll share info with him, like school, what the kids are up to, health, etc. We get along well enough to do that. He seems to have only minimal interest in them anymore, so I don't push it. I will send photos to the grandparents via email and ask them to share them with the ex, but they don't seem have much interest in the kids either. The ex is remarried and trying to start a new family, so I think that is part of his lack of interest. I never make it difficult for him to talk with the kids or see them. I do realize he has his own life now. Though, I really don't understand a dad having such little interest in his own children. I think it's important that you keep your ex update about the important things. Send email or make a brief call. Save the trivial details for when he calls you.